Twitchy
|
::
2004 23 February :: 8.54pm
:: Mood: working
:: Music: The Unforgiven II, Metallica
Day 9
movin downstairs
into the main room
it had no use but my own devious plans
gotta do a speech tomarrow ... sucks
she seemed really sad today, and I can't help but think it was me ... or him ... that was the problem
hurts me to see her like that
she shouldn't have to feel like that, not now
it hurts me to see any of them like that ... it really hurts
and I wish I could help
but I know I can't
some I can't help, some I won't and ... some won't let me
heh
Blake: "Hey ... you look really creepy today."
... but I don't know why I want to help, why I want to help .......
But I want to .... it really hurts me to see their pain... and I want to take the metaphorical dead weight off their backs ... I want to help them by taking on the pain myself
Helping them hide, helping them cope, helping them run, helping them confront ...
maybe I just don't want them to end up like me ..............................................................
Shit ... I need help and I want to help them ... I'll fall soon ... and maybe things will be better without me
You should..comment..
|
|
Twitchy
|
::
2004 22 February :: 1.10pm
:: Mood: irritated
:: Music: Back In Black
Day 8
Ah shit my foot hurts
In fact, my leg hurts
I feel like shit and this place smells like shit
Yes, I'm irritated
And in slight discomfort
And something is nagging me in the back of my mind
It may slowly drive me insane, and that pisses me off
Bad day
ow ... shit that hurts
You should..comment..
|
|
Twitchy
|
::
2004 21 February :: 10.45am
:: Mood: nostalgic
:: Music: none
Day ... same as last entry
"Maybe I just can't understand emotion"
"No, you just don't want to feel"
Maybe you were right
You were right
And I backed away
Because you were the only one who really cared, and it scared me
And now I might never see you again ... and you can never help me again
I miss you
I don't care about how it sounds or what everyone else thinks
I miss you and I may never find another person who really cares
I miss you and no matter what you think I actually cared about you .. but you scared me when you took an interest and I backed away and now you're gone
You should..comment..
|
|
Twitchy
|
::
2004 21 April :: 9.48am
:: Mood: groggy
:: Music: Can't Stop, Red Hot Chilli Peppers
Day 7
got another question thing
i think I'm so bored I'll fill it out
[1 minute ago] found this in inbox
[1 hour ago] rolled out of bed and counted up from the last holiday to figure out what day it was
[1 day ago] sitting in English
[1 year ago]. Still hated valentines day
[words to decribe the situation of now] want sleep ... gimme sleep brain
[things I want] ... to help (see last entry)
[songs listened to] All my Metallica and Red Hot Chilli Peppers
[windows open] earthlink and media player
[things around the computer] the floor, some cords, trench coat, a cd or two
[thoughts of now] I feel weak and I feel like crap
[e-mails] spam and chain mail
[lyric] tried to say I'd be there waiting for
[people online]none
[people away] none
[people idle] none (not even on myself ... oh I am, now I'm not)
[random] wrenching pain and a monkey
[Spell your name backwards] ... hctiwt
[Where do you live?] Washington
[Describe yourself in three words] useful, lonely, messed up
[Who is your worst enemy?] anyone I don't like ... about 6 billion of them
[If you could have ANY animal for a pet, what would it be?] just a dog
[Have you ever used a spork?] yeah
Do you even know what a spork is?] that thing you use for the stuff, right?
[What is the latest you've ever stayed up?] somewhere over 50 hours
[Ever been to Belgium?] been over it if it counts
[brush] twice a day and my breath still sucks
[toothbrush] crest
[jewelry worn daily] celtic necklacce that no one ever sees cause I wear shirts that hisde it
[pillow cover] I have a pillow?
[blanket] green sleeping bag right now
[coffee cup] not a coffee person
[sunglasses] very Matrix, make me look like neo
[underwear] ... um ... yeah
[shoes] combat boots
[nail polish] none
[handbag] laptop case
[favourite top] black chambray
[favourite pants] black jeans
favorite perfume] none
CD in stereo right now] listenin to stuff on media player
tatoos] none
[piercings] none
[current music] Red Hot Chilli Peppers
[wearing] black bathrobe
[hair] black and messy, kinda longish, can get it to look really freaky
[makeup] none
[in my mouth] my horrid breath ... gotta go brush my teeth
[in my head] depression batteling with sanity
[after this] go to Will's ranch, look over the horse and plan the office hours
You should..comment..
|
|
Twitchy
|
::
2004 20 April :: 10.40pm
:: Mood: confused
:: Music: Smells Like Teen Spirit, Nirvana
Day 6
I want to help. I want to help. I want to help. I want to help. I want to help. I want to help. I want to help. I want to help. I want to help. I want to help. I want to help. I want to help. I want to help. I want to help. I want to help. I want to help. I want to help. I want to help. I want to help. I want to help. I want to help. I want to help.
And I don't know why. Who'll help me.
I want to help them all, make the pain go away, but I can't.
For some reason I wish all their pain on me, like I deserve it, like they should be happy and I should have the weight of all that is ... evil ... on my shoulders.
I want to help. I want to help. I want to help. I want to help. I want to help. I want to help. I want to help. I want to help. I want to help. I want to help. I want to help.
I really do. And I don't know why. I know I'll break down too. And I know no one wants to help me. I know I'll be all alone when I break down. And I know it's all my fault.
And I know that I have to be at least slightly strong, or I'll never last. But I'm weak.
I've been hangin on by a thread for so long. And I don't think anyone can save me. Maybe I want to do one last good thing before I go down. Maybe I won't let anyone help me. Maybe it's all about redemption for being me.
If you read this, don't let it change what you think of me. I'm still the same stoic me you know, or whatever you think of me ... but I know I'm goin down alone, I accept that .... and before I go
I want to help.
I just want to do whatever I can for the few people I care for, you know who you are.
I know I might not be able to help. But I want to. If there is something I can do to at least take some of the pain from at least one of you ...
I want to help.
I really want to help and I don't know why.
You should..comment..
|
|
Twitchy
|
::
2004 20 February :: 8.20pm
:: Mood: mischievous
:: Music: Lithium
Day 6
Sweet new trench coat ... oh yeah
love my glasses to
...... shit, I'm turnin into the Matrix
eh, gotta do somethin tomarrow
oh well
decent day
loves my new coat
You should..comment..
|
|
Twitchy
|
::
2004 19 April :: 9.00pm
:: Music: none
Day 5 again
Wonder if I left all those years on 2002 .... whatever
funny thing:
T=Twitch C=Cory
T "Why don't you get the answers of someone else?"
C "(points at anya) stupid, (points at Matt) never talks, besides he gets the answers from you anyway. Besides, you're deranged like me."
Thanks Cory, one of the best compliments all week. Yeah, guess people are beginnin to warm up to me.
... eh
You should..comment..
|
|
Twitchy
|
::
2004 19 February :: 7.40am
:: Mood: sleepy
:: Music: damn clock ticking
Day 5
Missed day 4
Oh well, had stuff to do
Went to honor roll reception
Played at it, and sucked
Not much else to say
I'm beginning to feel like shit for reasons I don't know, maybe just the depression ... oh well
You should..comment..
|
|
Twitchy
|
::
2004 17 February :: 7.00pm
:: Mood: sore
:: Music: hum of some machine in this basement o' mine
Day 3
Been a good enough day
Knees been actin up
Really sore..... shit it does hurt
I think people are warmin up to me ... just a little
I'm still ... hard I guess, don't like people in my head, but I haven't been tryin to hide everythin I feel. It's no use, the people I hide from seek me out, and the people I wish to be with draw away. So, why not just give up and show the emotion. So, that's good, but not great, because some people don't like open me. Some people pity open me, and some people fear him. And I feel like shit, and I feel paranoid.
Been a good day though
You should..comment..
|
|
Twitchy
|
::
2004 16 February :: 8.41pm
:: Mood: mellow
:: Music: the washing machine clanking around
Day 2
So ... actually a lot happened in the void of ... just over 24 hours.
First I find out I'm going on a Euro-trip this summer, England, France, Italy, maybe Austria and all that, good, but it's with my father (jack-ass) and his girlfriend (my violin teacher, yoga loving, good but obsessive Chinese woman) and her son (Mr. Ivy League college genius). Still, I take waht I get and this is good.
Second I find out I might be goin on another trip to France, good relatives, crazy aunt, philisophical distant family, sounds good. Bad news it's in September and I might not get to go. Eh, one trip is more than I should get right.
So I see Equilibrium, great movie, not sure if I spelled it right, but thought I had to mention it, good stuff, loved it. "No, not without complication."
Got some new cloths, my trench coat was fallin apart, so that's good eh? Guess I needed more, but I feel wasteful.
Next I'm sittin around and the local vet comes by. Long story short I find out I can put in some time at the vet's office, good experience, and he also got a new horse who he wants to be good to ride ... so I'm gonna learn horse lore and horseback riding. Cool, good, but once again I feel to lucky.
I guess I feel to lucky for all this. I have to much, and I want so little. I like living in a bare bones room, maybe on the floor sometimes. All I need, two meals a day, non-deadly water, a few sets of cloths and some basic shelter. I guess I feel like my life is to good. I shouldn't be depressed, but I guess I don't care about my material posessions, I like em, and I feel guilty about that. I care more about emotion, and my emotional life sucks, so I guess I'm not ungreatful. Let's face it, I have a good life, I got a good home and good food, I should be thankful. I see much and I get much. But none of it is actually ... none of it makes me happy. I should be and I feel bad about being unhappy, I'm ungreatful. I just want to be around people who will listen and accept. I know I can never have that so I should make do, and I try, but here I am ... and the fact that I shouldn't be depressed for my good life makes me even more depressed.
Wow, this shit makes no sense. Long and short I got a good life, but not a good emotional life, and that's all I want, and all I knwo I'll never have. I'm just ranting. Maybe I should keep myself busier so I can't rant. Keep your mind of crap eh Twitch?
Well, that's enough for tonight.
By the way I don't know much about this journal thing, so that's why it's now on deafuly, on everything. ... yeah
You should..comment..
|
|
Twitchy
|
::
2004 15 February :: 10.00am
:: Mood: discontent
:: Music: Nirvana, Lounge Act
Day 1
Yeah, guess I did actually start this thing on the 14th, but that's not a good day to do anything, so I guess let's look at the aftermath of my life thus far with one of those things you get in your e-mail that you never fill out
....... got one
1. WHAT IS YOUR FULL NAME? meh, just call me Twitch
>2. WHAT COLOR PANTS ARE YOU WEARING? I'm in a black bathrobe right now, but usually black pants
>3. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW? Nirvana, Lounge Act
>4. LAST THING YOU ATE? reheated chicken burrito
>5. IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE? black
>6. HOW IS THE WEATHER RIGHT NOW? I haven't looked outside in nearly a day ok?
>7. LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE? Eric/Joseph
>8. THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT THE OPPOSITE SEX? do i really need to say it (actually it's the face)
>9. DO YOU LIKE THE PERSON WHO SENT YOU THIS? I don't even know who sent me this, how the hell did they get my e-mail
>10. HOW ARE YOU TODAY? same as always, kind of depresssed, but trying to do things to hide it
>11. FAVORITE DRINK? honestly, pure ice water
>12. FAVORITE ALCOHOLIC DRINK? hum ... kinda weak but wine, mostly plum wine
>13. FAVORITE SPORTS? hell, I don't care
>14. HAIR COLOR?black
15. EYE COLOR?brown
>16. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS?glasses, if I feel like it
>17. SIBLINGS? none
>18. FAVORITE MONTH? .... October
>19. FAVORITE FOOD? right now I could use a Catalina Paninni, but that's a thirty minute drive away
>20. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED? Underworld
>21. FAVORITE DAY OF THE YEAR? Anything really windy and in late fall, maybe a little rain
>22. ARE YOU TOO SHY TO ASK SOMEONE OUT? eh, yeah
>23. SUMMER OR WINTER? fall
>24. hugs or kisses?hell, I'll take either
>25. RELATIONSHIPS OR ONE NIGHT STANDS? relationships
>26. CHOCOLATE OR VANILLA? Vinilla actually
>27. DO YOU WANT YOUR FRIENDS TO WRITE BACK? no, didn;t send it to anyone, forgot to delete this one
>28. WHO IS MOST LIKELY TO RESPOND? no one
>29. WHO IS LEAST LIKELY TO RESPOND? no one
>30. LIVING ARRANGEMENTS? week in fathers house, weekend in mothers house
>31. WHAT DID YOU DO LAST NIGHT? talked on IM for a while, watched a movie, read a book, slept
>32. FAVORITE SMELLS? ... first rain of spring
>33. WHAT INSPIRES YOU? to live, nothing, to write and talk and work ... walking through the woods
>34. BUTTERED, PLAIN, OR SALTED POPCORN? buttered
>35. FAVORITE CAR? as long as it can go over 60
>36. FAVORITE FLOWER? rose, classic
>37. HOW MANY KEYS ON YOUR KEY RING? two house keys, key to my safe and key to the shop .... and another one I don't know
>38. CAN YOU JUGGLE? .... no
>39. FAVORITE DAY(S) OF THE WEEK? Saturday
>40. RED OR WHITE WINE? plum, kind of white I guess, can't stand many reds, so white
>41. WHAT DID YOU DO FOR YOUR LAST BIRTHDAY? went to a movie, met with a few friends and .... had to wear a plastic flower in my hair for two blocks, they made me
>42. DO YOU OWN A DONOR CARD? If they want em they can have em, but not now
>43. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU THINK OF WHEN YOU WAKE UP IN THE MORNING?
shit, gotta wake up, where am I? what do I have to do today?
>44. what is the last thing you think of when you go to sleep at night?
I don't know, took me hours to sleep last noght so I don't remember
That's it really, just gonna use this as a vent, tryin to get one for a while, got one, gonna use it
You should..comment..
|
|
-nightsloth-
|
::
2004 11 February :: 7.43pm
lyrics sound good.
Lyrics to: Green Day, Jaded
Somebody keep my balance,
I think I'm falling off
Into a state of regression
The expiration date
Rapidly Coming up
It's leaving me behind to rank
Always move forward
Going "straight" will get you nowhere
There is no progress
Evolution killed it all
I found my place in nowhere
I'm taking one step sideways
Leading with my crutch
Got a fucked up equilibrium
Count down from 9 to 5
Horray! We're gonna die!
Blessed into our extincion
You should..comment..
|
|
-nightsloth-
|
::
2004 2 February :: 12.30am
Your Heart is Grey
What Color is Your Heart?
brought to you by Quizilla
heres something fun. . . my results are extremely true. . . i guess ill tell you later. . .
2 white |
You should..comment..
|
|
-nightsloth-
|
::
2004 1 February :: 11.55pm
:: Music: Green Day, She
Thoughts on Judge Trudy
Hello judge trudy viewers,
FUCK OFF!!! you wanna know why? its a crappy show! some cracked out loser comes onto the show saying "my mom tryed to prosecute me for abusing my child that i had when i was 16 and now im prosecuting her!" you know what? no. your just some drugged up whore, proving to the world that youre a loser by going on TV to sue youre boyfreind, AND GET CUT DOWN BY A SADISTIC REDHEAD WHO DOESN'T EVEN COME TO A CONCLUSION ON THE CASE!!!!!! i mean how stupid do people fucking get?GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!! but alas, my point made, I have no more to say. . . goodbye world. . . . fuck you judge judy. . .
You should..comment..
|
|
-nightsloth-
|
::
2004 29 January :: 11.39pm
:: Mood: Slightly. . . how you say. . . PISSED
:: Music: Breen Day, Basket case
thoughts on "jo mama"
this is to all you FAGS who think jo mama is the best comeback in the world. you know what? your a fucking idiot! i mean i just said yor stupid, and you said jo mama. WHAT THE HELL!! YOU FUCKING RETARD! THAT DOESN'T EVEN MAKE THE SMALLEST AMOUNT OF SENSE!!!! AND APART FROM THAT ITS JUST OVEREALL A CRAPPY COMEBACK!!! MY MOM? WHAT THE HELL A BOUT HER YOU LITTLE FUCK! I mean seriously!whoah my mom is stupid. you know what? your a fag. you're venting your tiny feelings through the most insulting simple two words you can think of. and apart from comebacks, all the latest insults have to do with the insultee fucking his mom. LOOK! IF THE ONLY THING YOU CAN CRAM INTO THAT TINY CLUSTER OF CELLS YOU CALL YOUR BRAIN IS SEX RELATED INSULTS TO MAKE YOU LOOK BIG, THEN THAT'S FINE WITH ME! BUT IF YOUR GOING TO USE THEM ON ME, EVERY FLAW WILL BE POINTED OUT IN YOUR PITIFUL MIND THAT I CAN SO EASILY READ BY YOUR WORDS, LOOKS AND EXPRESSIONS! AND AFTER YOUR SITTING THERE SLOWLY DEDUCTING THAT THE WIMP MUST BE A GEEK NOW BECAUSE HE'S SMART, YOU'RE PROBABLY SAYING JO MAMA TOO.
amen!
You should..comment..
|
|