can u feel the cold tonight.. ( i love this song lol).. ahh lets see its been a really long time since ive written in here.. at least it seems that way.. i got a book-journal. sorry, i know, im a trader. lol. it gives me more freedom though!! so this week, like, sucked academically. but socially it was good and thats all that matters lol. i almost have a c in math.. and probly a b or maybe a c in bio.. but i think its a b. and history.. i duno lol we all like failed that test.. literally!. w/e schools not everything.lmao today in history lawrence was like sleeping and i was eating goldfishes and i stuck one up his nose and he like freaked out and then he sneezed on adam and adam jumped up likE OMG WTF WAS THAT!!!!!?!?!?! lmao rach i almost pissed on myself i was laughin so hard.. then the bus was fun too.. daniel has a new way of greeting people.. (daniel ur quite an... a.. unique person lol) and celine and rich were showing some affection that the rest of us really didnt care to see... we poured water on them n thye seemed to think it was saliva or somethin lol. liz u missed another good bus ride! and me and natalia concluded that we arent good at IB academically...or physically lol.. we cant fucking play frisbee!!!! how pathetic is that lol.. i threw a boca tantrum agen lol rach u missed it.. well they were multiple ones. then i came home.. and daddy took me to get pizza and a movie from blockbuster.. and then rachie came over and we got fat together ( i think it worked more on me though..) and watched a walk to remember and part of road trip.. it was fun! then she left and i blasted my music to piss off the neighbors.. teehehe it was fun.. thats all for now.. not too much else is new.. well sean kinda started talking to me again... online tho. and me and emy are good again:0) cept for the fact that i miss him.. o well ill see him soon..i hope! k im sleepy...going to sleep.. nighty night

wow i have a lot of energy today lol. today was good! in history i was just like cracking up at everything.. even if it wasnt funny lol . lawrence seemed to perfect the skill of staring and drooling. on me. lol gross. andrea was really giddy today too. like FREAKISHLY giddy. lol . bio i snoozed. didnt pay attention. amy can i have ur noteS!! and PE was fun lol we learned how to play ultimate frisbee.. only me and natalia shouldnt ever be allowed to possess one of those things lol.. annnyways. got a new set of invisalign today, bleh. set 2 of 35!!! yes, 35!!!!! ahh. k well thats all for now. and me and liz think theres a new love on the bus. lol.. maaaaaaybe! k .. later

everybody go see darkness falls.. its so good lol. SCARY but gooD! i didnt exceed my limit of 10 screams.. at least i dont think i did.. i couldve been screaming unconciously lol rach. soooo whats been happening these past few days.. i made my decision and i feel really good about it no matter what people say and how much they dont approve! i think its the right choice. omg yesterday was the funniest fucking PE class ever. lol natalia man i havent laughed that long and hard since that PE class wen wats her face got trampled.. and actually this was partially because we were talking about it lol.. and my ass got stepped on.. dont know how that one happened.. it was just a funny class. had to b there. and i think i failed like every test i took.. like i get it and im like.. um we learned this? so yeah this 9 weeks isnt gonna be too hot grade-wise lol.. ooooo well.. k well im gonna go sleepy.. nitey night ( i dont even remember what i typed in here so it may not all make sense or be at all relevant lol)

eyyyyyyyy im really hyper today lol.. again. ! PE was so funny today.. man i dont think ive laughed that hard in a long time lol natalia.. ive kinda sorta maybe come to a conclusion about my little "situation" but i dont even know lol.. (sigh). god i swear my mom like fucking hates me. she and my dad ALWAYS criticize me about something .. like my dads usually attacking the way i look. but my mom, ok i walk into the house, i dont even get a hi, i get, your shoes are dirty, so are ur feet, whyd u wear that bag to school? why didnt u wear a backpack??? i dont send u to school to make a fashion statement ur there to learn and i was like umm whatever shes like why do u have such an attitude with me i dont understand why u hate me so much im like ok wtf. all she does is criticize me and bitch about school.. and yet she wonders why shes in the dark when it comes to my life.. i mean sometimes yeah she tries but god everytime she talks to me i just have a grudge cause all she every does is complain about my school n stuff n that makes me kind of like annoyed with her cause honestly schools the last fucking thing i care about.. if she cant handle me and all that crap that pisses her off then whyd she fucking have a kid???? w/e she can be pissed all she wants.. shes like ok have a nice life.. yeah i bet tomorrow shes just gonna come back n yell at me more. k well im gonna go watch some tv n cool off lol toodles..
PS FOR ALL U SHMUCKS THAT MISSED A WALK TO REMEMBER ITS ON AGAIN TONITE AT LIKE 9!!!

what a long crappy day. at least my song was #1 on trl!! k now that my attentions back on this thing.. long, shitty shitty day. it started off good, talked to a bunch of people this morning.. usually dont have time to lol.. n then in spanish we went to meet the new foreign exchange students.. (ayyyyy ) lol liz.. i know im complicating myself! oh well its the story of my life lol.. then history was ok i guess.. pretty boring.. bio...mannnnnnnnn.. god i failed that test so bad today.. probly cause a certain someone kept me from studying last night lol.. w/e.. then we got quizzes back and i got a 40 and an 80 lol startin this semester off great...... w/e i think people are just destined to fail biology. then in pe we had to run another mile.. i only did 3/4 tho lol natalia u were right. and we had to do PUSHUPS! wtF! i think shes tryin to kill me. and something else kinda went down the drain.. not really wantin to publicize it tho lemme know if u think u can help.. i kinda froze up w/something :( o well.. g2g get started on the crapload of work mr mcmanus was kind enough to give me.. and math and french too.. boy this day keeps gettin better n better.. hey at least me and andrea are on good terms again!

christini is confused. i dont know what to do. i was so convinced today that i could move on from emy, and i felt really good about it. but then he came on and apologized for being a jerk and stuff and it was like old times. but then he told me he had to go and he loved me, and i mean i was kinda resistent to him during the whole conversation cause i cant just go back to how things used to be with everything thats been going on. but when he told me he loved me, i mean yeah hes said it before, but now im not sure whether to believe it or not. cause him loving me in the past apparently was being a jerk to me and making me feel shitty about myself. and everytime he apologizes i always just forget about it in hope that things will change, cause he seems so sincere, but then things go back to normal. so i dont know whether to believe him this time when he says he loves me, or not. cause i mean those words are thrown around so much nowadays that u dont know when to believe it or not. and i dont think im ready to go back to that with him, its like a sudden change from lets not talk for 3 weeks to oh i love u, thats just weird.
and i guess thats not the only thing thats bothering me. i know i have to tell him but i dont think i can.. its only fair though. i guess lately with us not talking anymore and separating ive tried to move on, and hes always in the back of my mind, but i think i kinda started to like someone else.. but im not sure yet. and this guys really sweet and i feel like i should give him a chance.. but then part of me still wants emy, so i guess i have to chose between the two. cause the sensible thing to do would be to move on from emy cause hes hurt me numerous times now, shouldnt i give the other guy a chance? but i still have feelings for emy so its really not fair to either of them.. i think for now i just have a lot of thinking to do and think of what I really want. not what other people want from me. but i know that if i were to tell emy, even though its the right thing to do, i think hed just take it as an i dont love u anymore get the fuck out of my life dont talk to me ever again kind of thing. cause thats the kind of reaction he always seems to have. and i dont want that, i just wanna make him understand that the way that weve been for a while, like him maybe not showing me he cares that much made me think that i should move on to someone who in fact does care..i dont even think im making sense.. i just need to get things straight.

OMG i havent been this pissed off in a long time. ok WTF.
ok emy sends me an email saying how hes sorry for being a jerk and all this sweet stuff so i stupidly go thinking maybe things will get better, so i email him back yesterday. nice email. i come onto my computer today and i have a message from him, hey sleeping beauty u up yet, i think yay hes being nice today maybe well work it out! as for the emails, i check my mail and he replied with something like this..
well uve changed so much, u dont care about us anymore at all, i wanna trust u but with all the people at ur school .. blahblahblah. basically a blame it all on christine letter. ok wtf. first of all, IF I DIDNT CARE WHY IS IT THAT I, I AM ALWAYS THE ONE TO TRY AND MAKE THINGS BETTER, AND SOLVE THINGS, if i didnt care why would i try so hard to make us work?!?!! and emy its either u trust me or u dont, under any circumstance, ur the one thats always talking about all these girls after u, and how much they like u and they stalk u and all that crap trying to make me jealous or somethng, dont u think i should be the one worried? but no.. i go and trust u. i think that it wasnt me that doenst care, but him, all along, since like november, cause i always tried to solve everything, never him, i was just too in love with him to wanna face the facts and see that he doesnt give a fuck about me, cause if he really did, then he wouldnt always have made me feel like shit, he wouldve actually tried to see me, hed call me, he just wouldnt wanna give up. the emy i used to know and fell in love with wouldntve done this to me, but i guess people change. and the thing that pissed me off most, was that he tried to prove to me that i dont care, because we havent talked in like 3 weeks, yet hes the one always telling me how busy he his, how much he hates the fone, wtf am i supposed to do about that?? and i tell him that, and eh comes back withe, well if someone told u they didnt love u and they wanted to break up wouldnt that make u a little saD? ok. ONE, yes, i made a mistake, but that was a fucking 3 months ago!!! i realized i made a mistake, i apologized.. if u were so mad at me for it then whyd u forgive me!!! i mean seriously , whenever we fight, and i defend myself, he either brings that up, or april, when i didnt talk to him cause i was mad at him, yeah emy im not perfect, i make mistakes too, but the difference between me and you, is that i realize that they were mistakes, and i try and make them right, but when u make a mistake, god forbid u admit ur wrong, a guy being wrong, oh no, so u just go and pick something up from the past that i did wrong, and try and use that against me. wow thats mature. all along everyones told me to get over him and that i can do better and all that crap but he was what i wanted, the OLD him, but silly me thinking hed come back. he was probably off with some tramps while i spent my nights crying over him trying to think of ways to make it work, god why do i have to be so fucking blind to not see something like this, its so obvious too. he didnt care about me all along. he just cared about himself.

wow today was a boring day. all i did was like eat sleep and watch tv. i talked to sean for like 5 hours that was entertaining! we actually have a lot more in common than i thought.. hes cool. anyways thats like all i did today.. who knows whats in store for tomorrow..

this ones gonna be a long one lol. lets see. synopsis of the weekend so far:
friday i came home and i was planning on spending the afternoon sleeping cause i was so tired and not in too good of a mood. then i wanted to go out. so i was gonna do something with rach n natalia but then missy asked me to go 2 santaluces with her so i did.. we watched an oh-so-exciting wrestling match thingy lol and spent our time freezing our asses off outside with matt. then we walked back 2 his house for a while, now THAT was gay missy lol no way am i going back there again... we got back at like i guess 12 or soemthing and we watched tv n stuff n then on saturday we went to get breakfast n to get her nails done n then we went looking for ski clothes (my u looked sexy missy lol) and then i went home.. and hung out for a while and ate crap and then i got bored so i called rachie and we were gonna hang out.. i THOUGHT we were meeting at like wendys and that whole thing across from loggers run so i walked there n i called her n i was like ok where are u? n shes like oh im at the park where are u? and i guess we got kinda confuzzled cause we were in 2 different places lol so i walked to the park and we hung out there.. it was fun!!! right rachie!? i miss being a little kid lol .. we played on the swings, and climbed up the slides, and i climbed a tree!!! and we played on the drawbridge thingymabbobber and then i had the bright idea to slide down a slide head first.. lol .. it was fun though.. and these little girls thought it looked fun n tried it n i was afraid theyd get hurt and theyr mommy would yell at us for setting a bad example for the little ones lol.. then we went back to rach's house and ate some pizza and watched legally blonde, and trading spaces, wow thats a good show lol. (sarcasm..) and rachie made me a hemp bracelet! its so cool lol.. n then i went home.. and went to sleep... and today my daddy apparently fixed my computadora but its still kinda screwed up like i cant get all the settings right.. rr .. w/e lol.
anyways, today i got up and i was laying in bed thinking about the whole emy situation. yes here we go with that again.
so, i know everyone wants me to get over him and move on, but its really hard for me. i mean when i think about what we had, it was so special, and i cant just forget about it. when i was with him everything was so perfect, but then when we just talked online and stuff he could be a real jerk and make me feel really bad about myself, and i realize that i dont need that, and i need someone who cares about me and makes me feel good about myself, but he used to do that, and i dont know what made him change, whether it was me, or maybe he just lost interest, i dont know, but i miss what we had, a long time ago, it was so special, and now we dont even talk anymore. i dont understand what happened. i just wish i knew how this would turn out like in the future, sometimes i feel like just giving up and moving on, but other times i cant, rrr. life was so much easier when clothes didnt match and boys had cooties. lol rach.. its true.

:0( christinis sick! oh no! today was ehhh. my daddy was running late and he was bitchin at me for everything possible.. my clothes. my shoes. my music. my nails. that im sick. EVERYTIHNG its like all he does is find stuff to yell at me for. rr pooface! then in spanish i saw lizzys teeth braces-free! lol they look good hunny! n french was... french. sucked like usual. and mcmanus was a drag and so was math. but i got a 104 on my quiz that i studied for for SO long. the bus was umm i duno i had my cd player on most of the time and supposedly there was flashing going on.. glad i didnt see that lol.. and then i heard the word cookie and i was like WHAT WHO HAS COOKIES! lol rach, of all things to hear.. k well im all sick and tired so im gonna go .. i wanna do something tonight just not to sure as to what it is right now.. and i really wanna go to the south florida fair this weekend so if anyone wants to go lemme knoe!!!

ahh nice relaxing day. i had a really stuffy nose last night n i couldnt breath so i didnt get any sleep, and my daddy let me stay home today ! i still feel sick-ish but not too bad. i got up half way thru 2nd perioD! yay lol. i heard we all got moved around though.. soo anyways i watched a lot of tv. save the last dance was on! and i changed around the pictures in my frames.. they were gettin old lol. and i cleaned my room, and i talked to lizzy! she got her braces off today! lol little things excite me. and i did a little homework too..emy sent me an im saying that he cant believe hes wearing the neclace i gave to him.. and then signed off. after not talking to him in like, over a week, im kinda confused.. if its a good or bad thing. w/e not gonna dwell on it. k well gots ta go.. toodles

simple plan was on TRL today! yay! i was like look mommy i hugged him! lol yeaaaaah.. well anyways.. today turned out better than i thought. spanish was easy, but tomorrow liz wont be there n i might have to work with oleg (tear) lol lizzy.. i was actually planning on sleeping in today and not coming to school cause i had a french quiz and a math one too.. french is easy but math i didnt know shit.. even last night after 4 hours of studying i didnt really feel like i knew it but i think i did really well on the test! so thats good.. and mcmanus' was just like usual.. pretty boring not too eventful.. bus was eh.. so i guess it was a normal day.. lots on my mind though. k well g2g do some stuff..

dodododododo
another day..it was okie.. spanish test (pooey).. boring history..boring bio.. pe i actually had to DO something for a change lol natalia.. so used to just sitting on my ass the whole running around the track thing was so new to me.. Natalia I WILL make u jog with me, every saturday! lol yeaaaaah... k well not too much to say today, rach i dont knoe if i told u but i dont think im gonna do the whole letter thing. i duno w.e lol i really dont care right now so ill see later. k well i gotta go get started on my oh-so-exciting algebra.. yucky french people tomorrow too...aaaaaaaahhh stab me now natalia lol! k toodles

i was so excited i herad that song all the way through for the first time on the radio today!! lol i know.. im gay. w/e . lol welll today was a typical monday. exept half way thru third period it felt like the middle of the week. i guess its cause french is so damn long, and boring, and filled with, yeah.. lol natalia. then english comes around and i got mcmanus to move our project till next week! yay! and math was a typical math class too.. confusing and i tuned out.. i actually accomplished something i cleaned out my binder lol. but us having a quiz next class i probly shoulda been paying attention.. w/e ill worry about it tomorrow. so boring day all in all, g2g do some stuff n take a shower! so byebye