:: 2005 16 March :: 7.47 pm
:: Music: Head Automatica - Beating Heart Baby

1 Ghosts | Fade Into Memory

:: 2005 14 March :: 10.47 pm

I'm not really dead but my computer was which is why I haven't been heard of for almost exactly a month. So I unintentionally ended up going back on my word that I'd be around more frequently. It took me this long to fix the machine because I haven't any money to send it to a repair shop and had to wait for someone to do it for free and that kinda happened this weekend when my Chinese friend decided he wanted to try and fix it.

I hate my school... They blocked all the web journal sites from all the school computers so you can't access anything and god forbid they catch you in your e-mail account... Its like a recipe for instant death.

Emerson is suspending and kicking people out for the shittiest reasons but that's only because our new student relations 'dean' thinks he's god. In fact I think I'm on his hit list because I cut class in order to eat (I went about a week and a half without eating in my household because I refused anything my mom gave me) and I'm late frequently.

I FINALLY got a new keyboard! But I can't see what I'm typing too well 'cause my contact came off.

Now that my computer is all better (I don't know how the hell Tao did it but he fixed it) I WILL be online at least a couple of times a week starting tomorrow (not today because I feel like shit due to an infection spreading from my left cheek down to my throat) and hopefully *crosses fingers* an absense like this won't happen again.

Fade Into Memory

:: 2005 14 March :: 10.47 pm

I'm not really dead but my computer was which is why I haven't been heard of for almost exactly a month. So I unintentionally ended up going back on my word that I'd be around more frequently. It took me this long to fix the machine because I haven't any money to send it to a repair shop and had to wait for someone to do it for free and that kinda happened this weekend when my Chinese friend decided he wanted to try and fix it.

I hate my school... They blocked all the web journal sites from all the school computers so you can't access anything and god forbid they catch you in your e-mail account... Its like a recipe for instant death.

Emerson is suspending and kicking people out for the shittiest reasons but that's only because our new student relations 'dean' thinks he's god. In fact I think I'm on his hit list because I cut class in order to eat (I went about a week and a half without eating in my household because I refused anything my mom gave me) and I'm late frequently.

I FINALLY got a new keyboard! But I can't see what I'm typing too well 'cause my contact came off.

Now that my computer is all better (I don't know how the hell Tao did it but he fixed it) I WILL be online at least a couple of times a week starting tomorrow (not today because I feel like shit due to an infection spreading from my left cheek down to my throat) and hopefully *crosses fingers* an absense like this won't happen again.

Fade Into Memory

:: 2005 13 February :: 8.03 pm

Went to the Pizza Hut by Cliffton, NJ today... Ate alot and got hit on by the waiter boy there. It wasn't so bad since I got bread sticks, a salad, and a pizza with everything on it for free. Yup. Free.

Rilly (the waiter who's name and number I found out from a piece of paper he slipped me while I was coming out of the restroom) asked my dad if he would let me go out with him. It was excellent that my dad said something akin to no because that meant I didn't have to. It was the weirdest thing that has ever happened to me and because of that I guess I will give him a call not that I'm at all interested but he was the only guy who's ever been that straight forward to my dad and for that alone he deserves props but I'd never go on a date with him or anyone else 'cept Sye (I love you Sye *hugs*).

Winter break started on Friday but I still had to go to school yesterday from 9 til 12 pm for H.S.P.A. math review. The H.S.P.A. is New Jersey's high school profficiency assesment that basically tests to see if we actually know anything and are ready for college and from what I hear its going to be cake. What sucks though is that I have to go to school from Tuesday to Thrusday from 9 to noon to review what may be on the stupid math portion and if I don't go I may face automatic suspension (Not to mention they're starting operation 'clean sweep' whatever the fuck that may be but from the sounds of it it won't be pretty).

Blah. Oh well I guess I can take that oppurtuity to stop by the Argentinian bakery and ask Stefan (my friend who's mom owns the place) for free pasteries. mmmmmm pasteries! ^__^

I got to hang out with my baby cousin Loren today which was awesome because I love kids (all except my little cousin Nicole >=0!) so I was just there running around and parading her all over the place and taking pictures of her. Oh yeah! I recently bought a digital camera so now I have pictures! Yay! Now the only problem which isn't much of a problem at all is getting them in the computer which may I add has been threatening to crash on me for the past week. Grrr!

Since of a couple of days ago I'll be able to sign on a bit more frequently 'cause I'm a good girl. You do realize this means I have to go to church and do all these other icky things but its well worth it.

Fade Into Memory

:: 2005 13 February :: 8.03 pm

Went to the Pizza Hut by Cliffton, NJ today... Ate alot and got hit on by the waiter boy there. It wasn't so bad since I got bread sticks, a salad, and a pizza with everything on it for free. Yup. Free.

Rilly (the waiter who's name and number I found out from a piece of paper he slipped me while I was coming out of the restroom) asked my dad if he would let me go out with him. It was excellent that my dad said something akin to no because that meant I didn't have to. It was the weirdest thing that has ever happened to me and because of that I guess I will give him a call not that I'm at all interested but he was the only guy who's ever been that straight forward to my dad and for that alone he deserves props but I'd never go on a date with him or anyone else 'cept Sye (I love you Sye *hugs*).

Winter break started on Friday but I still had to go to school yesterday from 9 til 12 pm for H.S.P.A. math review. The H.S.P.A. is New Jersey's high school profficiency assesment that basically tests to see if we actually know anything and are ready for college and from what I hear its going to be cake. What sucks though is that I have to go to school from Tuesday to Thrusday from 9 to noon to review what may be on the stupid math portion and if I don't go I may face automatic suspension (Not to mention they're starting operation 'clean sweep' whatever the fuck that may be but from the sounds of it it won't be pretty).

Blah. Oh well I guess I can take that oppurtuity to stop by the Argentinian bakery and ask Stefan (my friend who's mom owns the place) for free pasteries. mmmmmm pasteries! ^__^

I got to hang out with my baby cousin Loren today which was awesome because I love kids (all except my little cousin Nicole >=0!) so I was just there running around and parading her all over the place and taking pictures of her. Oh yeah! I recently bought a digital camera so now I have pictures! Yay! Now the only problem which isn't much of a problem at all is getting them in the computer which may I add has been threatening to crash on me for the past week. Grrr!

Since of a couple of days ago I'll be able to sign on a bit more frequently 'cause I'm a good girl. You do realize this means I have to go to church and do all these other icky things but its well worth it.

Fade Into Memory

:: 2005 8 February :: 9.21 pm
:: Mood: crappy

I'm sick yet again and I guess it doesn't help that these past days I'm being chased afterschool while being pelted with ice-snow balls.

Saturday was by far the most interesting day out of these past two weeks. I found out from an old pal that my ex best friend goes around telling people I betrayed her, that I'm a whore because I was sexually taken advantage of?, that I'm trying too hard to be just like her, OH - And better yet - That I tried to take her ex boyfriend away from her. I don't know what her issue is but this quarell has been going on for about a year, however it was just now that I found this info out (except for the calling me a whore part... That one I've known).

These past couple of weeks I've had testing in all my subject areas and it was the closing of the second marking period so not only did I have LOTS of cramming to do but alot of work I was too lazy to complete before the closing of the marking period so I had to do it all in a couple of days.

Yesterday and today I had history mid-terms going on and my teacher Mr. Arauz switched our seats around so now I practically sit next to Christopher Rivera and its just more then I can stand.

How dare Nano come up to me and tell me that Christopher has changed, that he's sorry and doesn't know how to tell me?! Why does he want my forgiveness anyway? So I can blindly trust him again just so he can abuse of me like he did before? Fuck no. No way I'm not falling for it. I'd much rather throw myself into a vat of acid then even attempt a conversation with his rapist ass.

Just when things are getting better something always has to happen to ruin everything...

Fade Into Memory

:: 2005 8 February :: 9.21 pm
:: Mood: crappy

I'm sick yet again and I guess it doesn't help that these past days I'm being chased afterschool while being pelted with ice-snow balls.

Saturday was by far the most interesting day out of these past two weeks. I found out from an old pal that my ex best friend goes around telling people I betrayed her, that I'm a whore because I was sexually taken advantage of?, that I'm trying too hard to be just like her, OH - And better yet - That I tried to take her ex boyfriend away from her. I don't know what her issue is but this quarell has been going on for about a year, however it was just now that I found this info out (except for the calling me a whore part... That one I've known).

These past couple of weeks I've had testing in all my subject areas and it was the closing of the second marking period so not only did I have LOTS of cramming to do but alot of work I was too lazy to complete before the closing of the marking period so I had to do it all in a couple of days.

Yesterday and today I had history mid-terms going on and my teacher Mr. Arauz switched our seats around so now I practically sit next to Christopher Rivera and its just more then I can stand.

How dare Nano come up to me and tell me that Christopher has changed, that he's sorry and doesn't know how to tell me?! Why does he want my forgiveness anyway? So I can blindly trust him again just so he can abuse of me like he did before? Fuck no. No way I'm not falling for it. I'd much rather throw myself into a vat of acid then even attempt a conversation with his rapist ass.

Just when things are getting better something always has to happen to ruin everything...

Fade Into Memory

:: 2005 1 February :: 10.17 pm

I don't believe I hate anybody quite as much as I hate my litle cousin.

I know I know, shame on me for picking on little asshole kids.

Fade Into Memory

:: 2005 24 January :: 12.47 pm
:: Mood: intimidated

I don't think I like my cat anymore, in fact I don't think I'm liking cats anymore period.

They stare at me like they KNOW oh I don't know what they know but they fucking know. And it really creeps me out when their eyes glow.

My cat scratched me in the nose just because he was staring at me and I was staring back... Moody bastards.

I detest cleaning litter boxes and all the cat hair on my clothes that is impossible to get rid of! That settles it... I am never EVER having a cat EVER again.

This rant originally started because there was a cat hair in my soup. Yuck.

Fade Into Memory

:: 2005 24 January :: 11.32 am

The day that I was supposedly posting a second time I was taken away by the school social worker/ therapist person during my free periods to disscus things. As for the retarded sentence in parenthesis, that was Yeslenny's doing. You see, on Thrusday 5th period my teacher was absent so we were free to use the computers. Apparently everyone else beat me to one so I was stuck asking Yeslenny to share with me. So when I was typing up the entry she kept on saying," OH! OH! LEMME SAY HI! LEMME SAY HI! I WANNA SAY HI!".... So I let her say hi but I was going to erase what she said when she got up or something but to my immense luck the bell rings and then she says, "Ok you're done and we gotta go!" and she hits the update button. All everyone in the room heard next was a loud, "NOOOOO!" erupting from my throat as I hunched over the keyboard and hit the desk. Yeslenny was quite taken aback by my reaction but whatever.

On Friday my parents picked me up early from school and we headed over to the New York Presbyterian Hospital to see the doctor who performs the type of surgery I need to correct the problem with my sternum. After years and years of bitching the doctor finally sets a surgery date which will be May 16th. He warned me that the pain was going to be excruciating because they will be inserting a metal bar into my chest and then fliping it making the sternum pop out, that's probably not even half of it but I'm not inclined to write anything else in regards to the operation unless I'm personally asked.

This weekend my entire family came down with some strange bronchitis (I don't know if I spelled it it right) but everyone is doing better so they're all either at school or work. I'm however grounded at home because I worsened. Pretty soon (I think) I'm going to have to go to the hospital because it feels like I'm developing yet another pnuemonia.

Fade Into Memory

:: 2005 20 January :: 11.44 am

Urgh after a hundred million years later I'm finally able to update from school again. Woopie...

I have given runing away much thought and made several plans but I end up in zero every single damn time. I despise my household and being trapped between those walls is making me relapse in my depression and I am not making any progress. I am beginning to think that my only means of escape is suicide but I refuse to go through with it. I'm trying to pull through with this all for one person (yes Sirus that's you).

n me too yeslenny her long lost friend from russia (<-- Yeslenny, she's an odd one (daz not tru im jus normal n ya aint lol so dont hate appreciate) ... o__o;... Don't ask just... Don't ask.)

I'll probably update again later today if given the oppurtunity

1 Ghosts | Fade Into Memory

:: 2005 11 January :: 11.11 pm

Things are looking up
AHAHAHAHA my doctor yelled at my mom today, she told her off and told her I needed to go out and live if she wanted this depression shit to stop. So it looks like I'm going to be allowed out pretty soon or else my parents get in trouble.

On another note, today was a bad day, I stayed home from school because I worsened and my parents were being pricks as usual.

I still want to run away but I've no destination and no one to run with/to... Besides who's going to want me around pestering them anyway?

Urgh I'm going to go before I fall asleep on the keyboard.

2 Ghosts | Fade Into Memory

:: 2005 10 January :: 8.44 pm
:: Mood: accomplished

Mother downtairs 'cause of her soap opera + Computer magically on + Annoying cousin gone = Me updating

I had a HUGE arguement with mother dearest a couple of days ago were she confessed that she thought I was a rotten person who did horrible things and who doesn't know bad from good. She's also saying that I'm steering Katherine (my little sister) in the wrong direction. Worst part is somewhere during the confrontation I became emotional and started crying... I've become so weak ever since I came out of that stupid place and it angers me so much. Whatever. My mother told me she doesn't trust me at all... At times the way she stares at me really bothers me, its like she's deeply dissapointed, like I've wronged her somehow, like she's disgusted. I don't understand what I did wrong and perhaps getting removed from the family is still an option... I have to look into that.

I'm ill again. This whole weekend I spent it sounding like something between a man and a woman that went terribly wrong. My voice has imporved a bit... Now I just sound like I'm about to croak.

Ragu came back from Sri Lanka today and he seemed okay which I'm really thankful for, he had me really worried. He'd gone back to visit his homeland during Christmas vacation and was caught in the tsunami. When I saw him I tried to give him a hug which he refused and even though we were only able to speak for about roughly four minutes I noticed there was something different about him, he however did a damn good job of hiding it from everyone and was happy around us but I could tell there was something really off about him. *sigh*

This should've been posted earlier but when I was finally able to go to the media center there was a class there and yeah... I'll try to post again tomorrow, if not then I'll try the day after that and so on. Blah its nine... Off I go to take my happy/knock out pills.

Fade Into Memory

:: 2005 5 January :: 2.24 pm

I'm finally able to update from school, there's been classes going on in the media center all these past days so I haven't been allowed on the computers.

Erm, things at home are worsening... My means of escape were the computer, napping, reading comic books, reading, and drawing but now everything has been taken away save for reading and drawing. *sighs* Its like my parents want to suck the joy out of everything and they are succeeding.

Oh yeah about that New Years party I was bitching about... They made me dance on not one but four occassions (they have me on camera too)! My aunt caught me the first time playing chess and, promtly pulled me away and literally made me dance. The other times were her fault too save for the time my dearest parents pulled me out to the dance floor.

While at the "party" I was finally able to speak with an older cousin of mine who is also quite strange and found out he's pretty cool, other then that I was bored out of my damn mind.

That's it for now (there is someone next to me who's perfume is inducing a massive head ache) I don't know when I'll be updating next, hopefully its sometime soon... I miss being on the computer, I miss you guys, but above all I miss Sye :'(

Fade Into Memory

:: 2004 31 December :: 2.04 pm

So it seems that this time around I'll be doing something "fun" for New Years.
We (my immediate family and I) will be going to Plainfield, New Jersey to spend the final hours of 2004 with my distant uncle and a large portion of the family here in NJ. At least there will be lots of food but boo to the loud salsa & merrengue music they will be blasting into my ears.

I am going to feel so completely out of place and I'm going to get pointed and jeered at again. -_-

Oh well I guess it can't be so bad... That is, until I'm literally forced to dance. The minute I get there I am going to look for a hole to hide in and will only be coaxed to come out when its feeding time (I am making myself sound like some sort of animal kept at the local petting zoo... Joy) then its back to my happy place. Yeah, that sounds like a good plan.

Have a good new year everyone.

1 Ghosts | Fade Into Memory