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2020 21 September :: 2.55pm
:: Mood: anxious
:: Music: Cascada - Evacuate the Dance Floor
OKay... We'll start small.
Gotta be honest right?... anxious and overwhelmed is not a new new feeling but talking about my feelings intensifies those emotional reactions. I am not even sure anyone will avidly read my posts. knowing people might read them at all intensifies my anxiety.... *deep breath* okay... um. My music is positive. That is a reflection of my emotional state past the anxiety. its not a bad day. Its nice out. I am getting around at some point and taking the dogs up north for a few days. I have no immediate financial concerns or responsibilities to deal with. I have kind of set myself up with a comfortable period for mourning. I know there is no right way to grieve but I feel what I have been doing is not working. I see a pattern of behavior developing that is dangerous for me and I need to try something else... so here this is.... I can already hear the little therapist in my head pushing me to share more... I will try to get there. Today I must start small. Today I miss my brother very much, Today I dont want to cry, but I will. I will also smile and love. Some parts of my day are gonna hurt. It all sucks right now and its so overwhelming.
So here are some of the major thoughts bouncing around my head....
I wonder how my ex is doing in a very passive aggressive way. I have a lot of anger over the person he turned out to be and didn't anything remotely like closure. But given the opportunity I cannot think of anything to say that would be worth the breath. part of me hopes he is doing bad cause I think he is a dickbag and its be nice if karma were real. but, also, part of me hopes he is doing well. Im not a soulless harpie who just stops caring for someone instantly.... I think thats all fairly normal after a break up.
I worry alot about how my younger brother is grieving and what he has lost. I stress about not knowing what to do or say to help him.
and there has been so much change lately I feel like I am left without a direction to move in. I cant even see whats out there my head is so foggy.... and I am afraid Im going to stay frozen... and overwhelmed...and not move anywhere.... and loose time.
time is too precious to waste like that...
so on that note. I am going to go pack for the woods. Just me and the dogs spending a few days in "sanctuary". That is what it is for me. Home. 20 acres in newaygo and a little pop up I renovated. I plan taking the dogs fishing in the canoe on Wednesday. its supposed to 77. post again when I am home.
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2020 21 September :: 2.24pm
:: Mood: curious
:: Music: Mnt Joy - Silver Lining
Hello Ghosts of the Past.
... can you hear me?
I cant believe this place is still a thing.... I am extremely happy it is. I need a safe place to document all the shit floating around in my head before I drown in it.... So much dramatic change in such a short time. So much grief and emotion to deal with. It fucking sucks. That's the nature of the beast. Life carries on. Weather you want to deal or not. Its fucking hard... and this journal holds me grammatically responsible. I love that... no half thought out, momentary, spaz blabbery, posted out to a mass of judgmental, surface-deep, cyber sharks.... okay, maybe. ;)... fucking old school emojies <3.... a safe space. What is safer then an online journal from high school? where some of my closest friends and family could come read if they so choose? forcing me to open up the door just a bit to those who could most certainly be considered safe..... Wow... Where the fuck do I start? lol
Man oh man. Got my old job back :) I start tomorrow. Not a dream job, but it's income. I'm going to have to get back in the swing of using manners and people skills to assholes. Oh well, I did it once, I can do it again.
School, gym, pick up kids, clean the house, get the girls down for a nap, do laundry, feed Andee, finish laundry, Arlee wakes up, put away clothes, get Arlee a snack, feed Andee, pick up room, bring girls upstairs, start dinner, deal with screaming children, have my family eat the dinner that i just cooked and leave me with the dishes...and the baby, feed baby, try to do the dishes, stress....
I can't wait for the holidays to be over this year. Everything has become so cluster fucked its not even funny. Is it so much to ask for to have a normal Christmas, with just my family not having to worry about anyone else. I hate being obligated to get people gifts that I hardly even know or see more than 5 times a year at the very rare family get together. It's become so excessive now that I can only buy my own children one gift each. I'm about three seconds away from just returning their gifts and just not going to these stupid family get togethers. Thad's side of the family I don't mind going to, we all hang out together and talk daily but my side of the family we don't even talk to each other...what's the point? To make up for the fact we don't talk all year here's a 30 dollar gift that you're probably just going to complain about when you get home or discard it to the back of your closet and forget about it. What a waste. A waste of all of our damn time if you ask me. I just want to spend Christmas with my little family and actually enjoy myself. No more worrying about where we have to be at what time, what were we supposed to bring again? Did we pack all the gifts? Bring enough diapers to get us through? Where are we going to let the girls nap? No room in the car? Damn....See all waaay to much to deal with. We have over 5 christmas celebrations to attend in two days. Stupid. It's taking all the meaning out of the day and its really pissing me off.
So I think the Gamez family should disappear this Christmas...We'll see you next year. *sigh* That sounds soo good.
I know I sound bitchy but due to all of this worrying about everyone else my families Holidays have kind of been robbed.
First time ever watching Breakfast at Tiffany's and Sabrina. Good movies. Even better is the company; it's just Andee and I tonight. Baby and I bonding. Love it :)
“By recording your dreams and goals on paper, you set in motion the process of becoming the person you most want to be. Put your future in good hands — your own.”–Mark Victor Hansen'
every accomplishment begins with the decision to try
I've been doing alot better. Yeah, it sucks being secluded in a tiny town with no cell phone, but I now have a job, RJ has a job too, so things are getting alot better. I paint every day to keep stress, anxiety and depression at bay. And as hard as it's been, I still remain smoke free for over 4 months now. Things are coming together nicely :)
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2012 16 June :: 5.27am
:: Mood: calm
:: Music: Turning Pages-Sleeping At Last
I've waited a hundred years. but I'd wait a million more for you. nothing prepared me for what the privilege of being yours would do.
if I had only felt the warmth within your touch, if I had only seen how you smile when you blush, or how you curl your lip when you concentrate enough, I would have known what i was living for all along. what I've been living for.
your love is my turning page, where only the sweetest words remain. every kiss is a cursive line, every touch is a redefining phrase.
I surrender who I've been for who you are, for nothing makes me stronger than your fragile heart. if I had only felt how it feels to be yours, well, I would have known what I've been living for all along. what I've been living for.
though we're tethered to the story we must tell, when i saw you, well, I knew we'd tell it well. with a whisper, we will tame the vicious seas. like a feather bringing kingdoms to their knees.
After going through postpartum on my own I finally believed it was over, but the whole getting pregnant again I think just thrust me back into it. The feeling isn't as bad as it once was but I have my days. Today is one of those days. I had a wonderful morning and afternoon but as soon as 3:00 hit I just was stressed and overwhelmed and couldn't control my feelings anymore. I ended up going into my room and shutting myself off until Thaddeus had to go to work, and of course he left thinking that I was upset that I couldn't find the sundress at the store that I saw online that I fell in love with. Please. I just feel so.... unhappy right now. I want someone around but alas all my friends are gone. Gone with the coming of a baby. Its funny to think everyone would still be there after having a baby, like you were there for them and then they just don't have the time for you or care for you anymore. Sad to think about. Especially how many of my friends left after having her. Oh well. I have Hillary and our Wednesdays that I live for lately. That and Sunday night so I can watch the new episode of American Gypsy. I love that show.
So I just ordered pizza because no car means no going out and getting groceries, which really sucks because I would love to cook right now but I'll have to settle for breadsticks and a personal pan.
I neeeed a change. In something. I've been changing myself and I'm happy for the most part its just not enough. I think the best change would be another car but we can't afford another payment and insurance note. Blah. The joys of a stay at home mom.
Lifes crazy. My daughter is almost 6months old, I'm almost halfway through my second pregnancy and by baby brother is off to college in a couple months. I used to hate change but now I'm beginning to embrace it.
I have all that I ever asked for. A close family, my own family. With the man of my dreams. Although I had always thought I'd want to work while having kids I realize now that its way more important to me to stay home with my babies and watch them grow up. Make sure I do everything in my power to let them know that they're loved and make sure they are raised to be productive God fearing members of society. That is my job now. The hardest job I've ever done in my life.
Thaddeus does an amazing job supporting our family but in doing so I'm left with many sleepless nights and met with aggravation in the morning because though he may work a 12 hour nightshift I have a 24hour job with no break.
Time has done well for me.
Now I'm working on myself. I've been changing my eating habits, doing a little more for myself, a little more for my husband, and love it. One day I may even get back down to the size I was when I met Thaddeus which I would really like.
I cannot wait for spring! Why? cause that is when construction on our new apartment begins. I will finally be able to paint, put down carpet, help mom build a bathroom with a rainfall shower and a kitchen area. Not to mention the our own front door complete with lock. I am so excited and so tired of this basement!!!
My mom took me tanning for 10mins today. She thought it would help with my seasonal depression. Nope. I'm burnt. My back is on fire and I just want to go lay in the snow.