::
2009 22 December :: 7.56am
:: Mood: bored
:: Music: "Sometime around midnight" By: The Airborne Toxic Event
And it starts...
Sometime around midnight
Or at least that's when
You lose yourself
For a minute or two
As you stand...
Under the barlights
And the band plays some song
About forgetting yourself for a while
And the piano's this melancholy soundtrack
To her smile
And that white dress she's wearing
You haven't seen her
For a while
But you know...
That she's watching
She's laughing, she's turning
She's holding her tonic like a cross
The room suddenly spinning
She walks up and asks how you are
So you can smell her perfume
You can see her lying naked in your arms
And so there's a change...
In your emotions
And all of these memories come rushing
Like feral waves to your mind
Of the curl of your bodies
Like two perfect circles entwined
And you feel hopeless, and homeless
And lost in the haze
Of the wine
And she leaves...
With someone you don't know
But she makes sure you saw her
She looks right at you and bolts
As she walks out the door
Your blood boiling
Your stomach in ropes
And when your friends say what is it
You look like you've seen a ghost
And you walk...
Under the streetlights
And you're too drunk to notice
That everyone is staring at you
And you so care what you look like
The world is falling
Around you
You just have to see her
You just have to see her
You just have to see her
You just have to see her
You just have to see her
Yeah!
We finally have our internet turned back on, and a new number and all that comes with it. So, that's good. Today though, not much internet time, I have lots of cleaning to get done. People from Amway who adopted our family for Chrsitmas are coming over to drop off food and christmas presents. So this house has to be spotless. Better go get started. Bye.
I'm getting a whole new look here on Saterday. Hopefully I forgot to check the scheduale. I hope someone could cover for me at least for a little bit just so I can get my hair done.
I have no idea how long this will take.
I'm going platnium blonde with purple streaks throughout.
Its different.
And needed.
I think we all need change.
Everyone, at this moment.
I have been wishy washy, doing things I dont want to do (like everyone else) working, seeing friends when I can, taking care of Cleo, and trying to spend time with Thaddeus, even though its a rarity anymore.
I've watched my friends go through the scariest, greatist, most cherished, most feared time of their lives, and I along with them every step. For everything I dreampt about and everything I thought I wanted is now just a confusing blob. And I've noticed this year has almost been like a foreward to change. Where we're all lost, confused, vexed, and determined, and not at the same time. Maybe what we all need is to make that jump. That one big stride instead of baby steps. Instead of sitting here in Holland hating where I live, my situation, I should just get up and actually do something rather than going through the motions waiting and hoping something will happen. Maybe I should move, find a job, start completely over with a whole new identity. (not in that order)
I'm pretty sure the coming year can go one of two ways. First is that this whole year of confusion was not in vain and things will begin to make sense and begin to work in a clearer order. Or two this year was but a prelude to the struggles of next year and we'll be tested like never before. But be better for it in the end.
I personally hope it'll be the first one. I need a break. :D
Next year will be a whole new experience for me, I'll be married, moving, trying new things, and meeting new people. Maybe I'll actually find what I love and find a way to translate that into a career.
Maybe Hillary will find peace and realize she's been working hard and its actually not in vain. Hopefully she'll see that her work ethic, her mind, and even her indesisiveness is actually a blessing that's going to send her to where she really belongs. Trying new things to figure out where she's supposed to be. I hope she gets a moment every now and then to stop and look into the mirror and see the woman she's become over the passed two years. And realize that she's further along than most people in their 30's. Working two jobs at times three, knowing what matters to her and realizing when time gets crazy she takes things in stride and moves on. There's so much more but I dont want to ramble.
I have high hopes for this year. But moreso for myself and the ones I love. I dont want us to wait for good things to come anymore. I want us to move towards what we want and not settle.
...so that's how I feel at the moment. . . . How are you guys.
For those who don't understand, well...I just don't care.
We're getting things ready, and set.
We have our minds made up
We're walking down the ailse and thats enough
Enough for us right now, thats what we want
It was his idea at first
And I now agree
I know it sounds stupid
and its not all about the money
But there are things I need and things he desires
And no I haven't tried to rhyme throughout this thing
But it kinda played out that way...now for the awkward pause in your reading because the flow has completely stoped.
I guess what I am trying to say is, please be supportive. We have our reasons for this and its not like we're not having our wedding later as well. But we're going through the Justice of the Peace, next month or early January. I dont want to feel like people are talking Thaddeus and I out of this. It is our desicion and thats final. Yes we're young, yes we aren't having the proper wedding, yes we are a bit ignorant to things. We all are. If we were born in marriage marriage itself wouldn't be a big deal. I want people to understand that Thaddeus and I have been in the workings of this for years and now it seems like the perfect time to act. So dont be worried about not going to a reception, or going to see the magical moment, and blah de blah, there will be a time. But right now its right for us. You got questions? Well then ask them. Dont be so judgemental before you get it.
If I could have a dream wedding tomorrow I would, but the fact of the matter is we cant and WE dont want to wait that long. Things have come up that make it a bit more difficult to save up money for the wedding unless we're already married. Haha. I know how that sounds but its true. I think people wouldn't even understand if I explained it to them. Really. I'm stressin' out as is. Please just give me a fuckin' break. I don't need to hear it. If I wanna listen to someone preach I'd be sitting in church right now or upstairs listening to my father.
You can block comments? Me too.
How do I start this? This is not the first time you have blown me off. I stand by, making sure I do not have plans, for YOU. I make sure I don't leave the house because YOU are supposed to be coming over. Fuck that, I'm done. Everyone knows that it's just common courtesy to call and say "Hey, I can't make it" or at least answer a goddamn phone call. This has happened so much, it's ridiculous. This is the reason you have to fill your life with new voices, memories, and laughs. Because the old ones are sick and tired of your shit. I'm stepping up and finally saying what I have been thinking for quite some time now. No more defending you, No more keeping your secrets, No more pretending I think it's okay that you sleep with a new guy every other week. DONE. I don't care if you don't answer your phone, because I won't be calling anymore. And if you call me, expect the same thing. I'm tired of your bullshit.
I began to think last night about what is truely going on in my life.
Kind of like an outsider looking in.
I've realized somethings about myself.
Like I'm a sap
a giver
I'm that loyal bestfriend that never wavers
I'm your worst enemie
and a passionate lover
a devoted Christian
a horrible sinner
I'm that person you call at two a.m when no ones around and you need a friend
I'm that person that will say I wasn't asleep when I was far away and dreaming, so you dont feel bad about you venting
and through it all I begin to see that the closest people to me, havent an idea at all. Not about whats going on with my life or how I'm feeling. I never want to burden. Or give away my issues. And it at times leaves me with the feeling I'm being taken advantage of. Its my own fault for not opening up. But again, its me that becomes the blame, not them. Ever. I wish I could point the finger and scream and not care. Not in the slightest about how they feel or what the outcome may be. I wish I knew how to let my guard down... Who knows if I ever will.
Its amazing and scary at the same time, in exactly a two years from now I will be Mrs. Thaddeus Gamez.
Its hard to believe really, I know its the right decision because of how much I love him and how there is no one else in the world that I could possibly love more, but still I"m soo young and I'm soo scared. I dont have the first clue of how to be a 'wife' and I dont even know how Thaddeus is standing on the whole deal. I mean I know he wants to get married but he's not that romantic 'I love you because...' kinda guy. I want so badly to have everything go right for us, and I'm scared that it wont...I know it wont. I miss him soo much when he's gone and I haven't the slightest clue if he feels the same or remotely similar. We dont talk like that. Never have really. Mrs.Gamez. Thats a horrible last name...I'd prefer Winningham any day. I dont know. There is so much to do in such little time. I dont know how I'm going to do this. I feel so confused and just completely and utterly vexed.
Whatever, I'm going to bed. Or try to anyway. Sorry for the slightly pessimistic post. I hate it when my mind gets going like this. It never stops.
I pulled in some extra hours at the Hut this week, ausome!
I also have my first shoot coming up in the coming month. I'm so excited and soo nervous, doing the what if nothing turns out right, or what if their not satisfied with the final product or if the child is uncooperative? Ahh
Nerves I'm tellin' ya
But I'm more excited than anything. Its just getting over that first initial hump I guess. I've done photos for friends, done friends senior photos... Not so much people I don't know and have to feel out myself in the course of a couple hours.
Tonight I lack the strength to even move,
When you walked, now watch me die
But I know this is harder for you,
For love has let you down
yeah C'mon
I am not alone
The road ahead is lined with broken dreams,
So walk, yeah walk on by
And I failed to give you everything you need,
For the fears, behind your eyes
When I can’t feel you,
I’m not alright, I’m not alright,
When I can’t feel you,
I’m not alright, I’m not alright
When I can’t feel you
Jesus as you throw me on the rocks,
For love I left your side
'cus I believed in love and beauty’s wiles,
Where heaven shone from your eyes
Chained to your tree
I wanted you to say
I wanted you to say
I wanted to believe
Chained to your tree
I wanted you to say
I wanted you to say
Tell me that it wasn’t all for naught,
It’s such a waste now, It’s such a waste now c’mon
I know your scared but baby don’t you hide,
It’s such a waste,
You'll stand alone now, you'll make it somehow
::
2009 20 October :: 9.45am
:: Mood: content
:: Music: "The Underdog" By: Spoon
Picture yourself in the living room
your pipe and slippers set out for you
I know you think that it ain't too far
But I hear the call of a lifetime ring
felt the need to get up for it
oh you cut out the middleman
get free from the middleman
You got no time for the messenger,
got no regard for the thing that you don't understand,
you got no fear of the underdog,
that's why you will not survive!
I wanna forget how convention fits
but can I get out from under it?
Can I gut it out of me?
It can't all be wedding cake
It can't all be boiled away
I try but I can't let go of it
Can't let go of it,
Cause you don't talk to the water boy
and there's so much you could learn but you don't want to know,
You will not back up an inch ever,
that's why you will not survive,
The thing that I tell you now
It may not go over well
And it may not be photo-op
in the way that I spell it out
But you won't hear from the messenger,
don't wanna know bout something that you don't understand,
You got no fear of the underdog,
that's why you will not survive!
After talking to Hillary tonight I have the perfect vision of what my wedding should be like, though in all honesty to find the extra money for all of this may be a little far fetched but hey a girl can dream right?
I want an out of this world wedding after all you only get one right? Hah
Well this girls only gonna get one and you bet your silly little fanny I'm gonna be throwin' down some hoopla.
This is a very surprising turn from my whole negative swoop this weekend after my car was stolen. But hey I've got a wedding to plan no time to be a negative nancy.
Finally the hills are without eyes
They are tired of painting a dead man`s face red
With their own blood
They used to love having so much to lose
Blink your eyes just once and see everything in ruins
Did you ever hear what I told you
Did you ever read what I wrote you
Did you ever listen to what we played
Did you ever let in what the world said
Did we get this far just to feel your hate
Did we play to become only pawns in the game
How blind can you be, don`t you see
You chose the long road but we`ll be waiting
Bye bye beautiful
Jacob`s ghost for the girl in white
Blindfold for the blind
Dead siblings walking the dying earth
Noose around a choking heart
Eternity torn apart
Slow toll now the funeral bells
”I need to die to feel alive”
Did you ever hear what I told you
Did you ever read what I wrote you
Did you ever listen to what we played
Did you ever let in what the world said
Did we get this far just to feel your hate
Did we play to become only pawns in the game
How blind can you be, don`t you see
You chose the long road but we`ll be waiting
Bye bye beautiful
It`s not the tree that forsakes the flower
But the flower that forsakes the tree
Someday I`ll learn to love these scars
Still fresh from the red-hot blade of your words
...How blind can you be, don`t you see...
...that the gambler lost all he does not have...
Did you ever hear what I told you
Did you ever read what I wrote you
Did you ever listen to what we played
Did you ever let in what the world said
Did we get this far just to feel your hate
Did we play to become only pawns in the game
How blind can you be, don`t you see
You chose the long road but we`ll be waiting