I feel like I need to talk to someone, dont get me wrong its not like I don't have friends here but they have their own things to worry about and are very much concerned about only having a good time. I dont need to be troubling them with my issues.
I guess that's what brings me here, again.
It seems like no matter how many times I try to tell someone something its always 'the wrong time' and 'maybe we'll talk later'. Its sad when I rely on an old site that no one reads as a comfort, an outlet. One unlike I have in the 'outside world'.
I've been working on getting into college wich is quite frankly, a pain in my ass. Essays, transcripts, meetings. BAH!
If only it was a simple interview a few questions they acess you and then BAM you're in.
God hates me
Went out and watched HANGOVER toinght and it was AMAZING!
New favorite movie
Yeah I got kind of side tracked when I get a chance I'll be back to write more.
You tell me you know you have a problem
it doesn't seem to matter much, seeing how you hit the bottle
You make a fool of yourself and you don't even realize
You seem to think no matter how many nights you come home to scream and yell and hit I'll stay
Well you have another thing comin'
I'm not going to live worried if you're coming home from the bar tonight, if you're going home with someone, or if your locked up
I'm not the person to be torn down excessively and think 'oh he'll change' no, I've learned
and the sad thing is you don't even know, or at least pretend not to
I'm done with being scared and all around unsettled by you
I've had my chances with other great men but I always come home to someone who doesn't even know I excist
I look out for you, care for you, clothe and feed you
yet you disreguard it all
I know I'm not perfect but I work on my imperfections but not just for you, for me
So when you get home tomorrow, I wont be here - but the note will be
It'll tell you to call me and I'll explain
but you're packing your bags
and I dont need you to be a bottom feeder on my family and that I need a real man and until you become one you need to find a new host
to feed off of because I'm drained - completely
and the funny thing is I think you'll understand
I think you know that your time here is running short - is that why you were with her tonight?
I'm not an idiot
your slip-ups have become quite apparent
I hope you find yourself in a place where they make you work and pay for everything, I hope you realize what you missed out on, and I pray you think about it every day and all night until you loose sleep and it makes you ill, and I also hope you think about your kid every single fucking day and wonder 'what if I were there'
What are you going to do now that everyones gone? Now your friends are all in the army and moved away, now that you're alone?
I know I'm saying this out of anger but hell I know I'll say it again
::
2009 24 May :: 7.25am
:: Mood: calm
:: Music: "Thinking of you" By: Katy Perry
It's early.
Well, today I am going with Kayliegh, Grandma, Dan, Chase, Derek, and a friend of Chase's choice on a "surprise vacation" thing. Kayliegh will probably be over around 10 to pick me up. I still have some packing to do, although I did most of it last night. I mostly have to just pack my pillows, a blanket, some clothes, and maybe some other things, I'm not sure.But, we'll be gone until late Tuesday. It should be fun. I don't know why, but I am feeling pretty sick to my stomach right now. I just feel like at any mintue I could throw up, nauseous. Or however you spell that. HaHa. I got to talk to Brendon for a couple minute last night, he said camping sucks without me. Well Brendon, you should have let me talk to Ryan directly so I could know the real time line of this camping trip. Unfortunately it wasn't from Saturday to Sunday, it was from Friday to Monday. Yeah, my mom was already having a hard enough time letting me go with boys over night, but 3 nights, no way in hell. So Brendon, your loss. HaHa. But, I better go. I have to switch over the laundry and pack some of my remaining things. Bye.
Birthday!!!!
Well, it's my birthday. Brie and Dylan got me presents and gave them to me last night. Here they are:
Brie- Vanilla Sugar candle, Orange cranberry candle, and a card.
Dylan- 2 starbucks vanilla coffees, cotton candy, 8 pack of fun size snickers, and a card.
Aubri also came over today and gave me a book, a canvas panel, tubes of acrylic paints, and she straightened my hair. Brendon's supposed to come over, but I called 20 minutes ago and guess what...he's sleeping. I told him not to sleep late. But, I knew he would. Whatever. I'm kind of bored though. I already painted on the canvas panel. The background is black and I painted white and purple flowers all over it. My mom loves it. I'm pretty proud of it. Aubri said it's gorgeous, so, ego boost for me. HaHa. I'm all done up, hair, make up, dressed, but I have nowhere to go. I'll probably call Brendon again and have them actually wake him up. But, we are having my birthday dinner and brownies tonight. Then I am opening the presents my mom and Doug got for me. My mom keeps teasing me, making me over-excited. She keeps saying "You're going to love your presents". HaHa. But, better go. Bye.
But through all of this insanity there are the little things in my life that make the storm calm and it gives me the time to just really be able to sit back and admire what great things God has given to me.
Like my family.
for instance...
My grandmother had cancer spread throughout her entire body she had two or three more months to live, she's gone to church twice a weak her entire life and was devote in her faith. Now only two kimo treatments later and the results are amazing the cancer is gone!
Now tell me that isn't devine intervention.
and of course
The small family get togethers to celebrate birthdays
Two year old
Evey Lewin
Opening her first bubble lawn mower! I'm so jelous.
Her first sandbox, she really didn't know what to make of it at first.
And the giant red ball thats about her height that she wouldn't let out of her sight.
She didn't want her dress to get dirty so her mission was to scoop all of the sand out of the sandbox so she could play in it. :D
After awhile she forgot about the dress
Then her and daddy played together
Now that it was nap time she wanted to go to bed, with her big red ball, her shovel, and her sandbox. :D
Sometimes I forget about the important things in life and get caught up in my own bullshit and neglect what all is really going on. I guess this weekend has been something of a wake-up call for me.
::
2009 16 May :: 2.00pm
:: Mood: creative
:: Music: "Full Moon" By: The Black Ghosts
Birthday Fun
Well, last night was a bomb ass night. Me and Kayliegh had Taco Bell for dinner, then we went to the movies, then came home and played video games. We saw "X-Men Origins: Wolverine". I looooooved it. Especially when Hugh Jackman was butt naked running around, HaHa. The movie was pretty badass, if you ask me. Then, I'm not sure what the name of the video game is, but it has to do with Samurais and fighting, and that was a kickass game. I ate too much though. HaHa. I ate more than half the bag of Medium popcorn to myself, then continued eating donuts and soup at Kayliegh's. It was an awesome night overall. And I want to say Thank you sooooo much again Kayliegh. I had alot of fun and I really appreciate it. Even when you were calling me whore and bitch, it still made me happy. HaHa. But, tomorrow is my birthday, and it's the only time where I will actually be opening wrapped presents. Everyone else took me shopping, went to the movies, or gave me money. Nothing wrong with that though, just stating that my mom actually wants me to open presents. I told her just going shopping would be fine with me, but, she wants me to open something. Then, even though I'm not supposed to eat it, we are having chili for my birthdy dinner. And I'm not much of a cake person, I like brownies more, so we are having those brownies with cream cheese mixed in them. But, my birthday is going to sort of be celebrated again in June. Like I have wrote before, me and my Grandma H. are going shopping, and I don't know when, but my dad is still taking me to get inked. So, pretty excited for those too. But, I better go. I have laundry that needs to be done. Bye.
Well. the Garage Sale is in 2 days. I hope the weather cooperates. We just have to grab a couple things from the basement and the attic, then make signs and we are done. Well, aside from having to set up and what not, we are done. I definitely feel a hundred times better than I was the other day. My cold started late Saturday night, and it got worse, the calmed down alot. My nose is still somewhat stuffed and I do cough up crap, but, it's definitely gotten better. I'm sure my smoking doesn't help with the phlem in my throat, but who cares. It's just phlem. HaHa. I'm around chapter 12 in that White Oleander book. The book is definitely better than the movie. That's usually how it turns out. Except How to Deal.The book sucked hardcore and the movie was a million times better. One of those rare cases where movies outdo the books. But, since I got that book, I have a nightly ritual. I wait until all the kids and Doug go to bed, so it's quiet, and then I make a cup of tea and just sit at the dining table and read anywhere from 2 pages to 4 chapters. I'm glad I got this book. It's nice to have something that allows me to escape from reality for however long I choose. But, I better go. Bye.
Birthday Shopping.
Well, I went Birthday shopping yesterday with my Grandma T. We went to Goodwill and Wal-Mart, both in Ionia. I got a pearl necklace(for my Marilyn Monroe costume), 2 shirts, a new cute wallet, and Gladiator sandals. I used to looks at those things and say "ewww. Horrible fashion trend", now, I love them and I wear them all the time. HaHa. My dad is still taking me to get the claddagh tattoo around my wrist, but he wanted to get me something to open. So...he got me the claddagh ring. I now have the necklace, earrings, and ring. And soon I will have the tattoo. I love it. It has my birth stone. But, my birthday is in a week exactly. So, Saturday night I plan on going to Kayliegh's to hang out and celebrate it early in a sense. Because I can't have fun on a Sunday night.....because Sunday is LAME. But, my Grandma H. is having a hard time exactly trying to find out a time to take me shopping for my birthday. They are starting to go camping a bit, so, she had to plan on a day where they wouldn't be camping or anything. So, we set it for Father's Day weekend. It's a little ways away, but I can wait. She said that there's a new coffee shop opening around that time in Lowell, so she said we can go get coffee there, then we can go wherever I want to. We are for sure going to Goodwill and this store in Ionia that has cute clothes, and they never go over a certain price. Then we can go pretty much wherever else I want to. I'm thinking I might also want to go to Meijer, Wal-Mart, and a bookstore, if we can find one outside of the mall. I love the mall, but, I just don't want to go there this time. But, I am going to go. Bye.
-Samm
P.S.- Let the Birthday count down begin. 7 days until my Birthday!!!!!!!
The weekend.
The weekend is sort of here. I just have to stand doing chores until about 7pm. Me and the kids(except Brie) are going to our dad's for the weekend. Saturday my Grandma T. is picking me and Tanna up to go Birthday Shopping. I'll probably ask to go to goodwill, maybe Meijer. So, that should be fun. The Sunday, we are getting picked up early by my mom, Doug, Ava, and Brie and we are going to my Grandma T.'s for Mother's Day. But, Jenny brought me "The vampire chronicles" yesterday, that will help me with the empty parts of the weekend. THANK YOU JENNY!!!! :] Have fun up North. HaHa. But, we went to the new Meijer here in Cedar the other day.....wow, totally different set up from every other Meijer I have been to. Guess what they have....come on guess. Okay...they have a HALL of bread. No, not an isle.....an actual HALL. It's loaf upon loaf of bread. Along with Hostess cupcakes and more. But a hall of bread. It's strange, but it's cool. This Meijer isn't as big as Rockford's, so, it has everything except a Jewelry center, shoes, Juniors clothes, and I think one more thing. But, it's pretty cool. They also have a TON of books. The books were the first thing I saw when we walked in, and I just gasped. My mom didn't know why I was gasping so she assumed something was wrong. "What's wrong??" I just pointed and said, "They have books. Lots and lots of books. And I see a few I have, want to read, or look interesting". Yes, I said "look interesting" from afar. I am a person that does the opposite of what they tell you. They always say "Don't judge a book by it's cover"....yeah...well.....I can't do that. If it looks like a cheesy 80's advertisement on the front, I won't read it. The picture and description have to grab me. If one doesn't, then it's not going to be read by me. But, I have to go vacuum....Ava's teacher is coming over for a home visit. Bye.
-Samm
P.S.- Yesterday Brendon and Kayliegh were over...there was a Gardener snake, Brendon picked it up to throw it in the woods...and as he threw it, the snakes tail came off. HaHa.
See this girl? The one of dreams and ambition?
I tore her down.
Made a mockary of her.
Fed her the shit that's been on my shoulders.
As our grandparents pass I take care of the family. I cook, clean, monitor pill consumption, and talk to doctors. I travel far out of my way every day and stay into all hours of the night to make sure mee-ma is comfortable and safe. Before I leave the house I lock every door and window, then travel down the cellar and lock the door from the inside and out. Once home I deal with the struggle of being an ansomiac, tossing and turning laying in bed in the dark staring upwards wishing to sleep before my alarm goes off, then once I feel as if I'm asleep the alarm clock rings. I've only been asleep for 25min. looks like I'm missing school again today.
I try to keep a positive outlook. Keep everyone happy. But sometimes she can be so pissy and tries to bring everyone else down, so I stay positive until she does something so incredibly stupid that I can hardly take it and today the devil came out of me.
I told her how consumed in herself she was. How she is so far down into her own web of self pitty that she doesn't realize what everyone else is doing and what a burden it is for her when we ask anything of her. How when someone is taking on a full time job, parenting, taking on a cancer pacient can really be stressful and when she plays in our sisterly drama into everything it could possibly be a breaking point.
I heard her cry
and though I care
I think she needed to hear what I said
There hasn't been much to say lately, nothing that hasn't already happenned again and agian.
I've been stuck in the same ol' rituals
Get up
Miss school
Go to my grandmothers
Do laundry
Make sure gram takes her pills and checks her blood sugar
go home
Realize that I may not be around Michigan for much longer
Get upset with Thaddeus for being a complete mind fuck
Make up
go to bed
Oooh! Does anyone know where I can get my camera lense fixed? And how much it may cost? I'm going crazy with my zoom lense, its good for landscape but I really would like some options.
I'd really appreciate some feedback. Thanks
::
2009 6 April :: 1.27am
:: Mood: Fuck Off
:: Music: "Almost Lover" by: A Fine Frenzy
Flower pot painting and crazy movies.
Well, Girl's Night was a success. It was fun. We got moneys and went to Dollarville and each got flower pots and painted them when we got back to Kayliegh's house. Mine is Ocean themed, Kayliegh's was flower themed, and Jenny's.....I don't even know. I know there was talk about splotches and snails. HaHa. Afterwards, Jenny and I headed to her house to grab some movies. We watched "Shrooms" and "Requiem for a dream". Crazy movies. But, part way through that second movie, it was time for me to rest my head and my tired eyes. The next morning I was seriously dragging though. I got over 8 hours of sleep, yet it felt like I pulled an all nighter. Then...the worst part came. I went home! *Dun Dun Dun* I wanted to just lay down and sleep or just play Pokemon....no no. Impossible. The kids blew the Dining room and Living room to all hell. I had to pick that mess up; Repeatidly. Then we had a talk. Not going into that right now. Then the rest came. I played Pokemon for a total of 5 hours. Yeah, that's right...I am a huge nerd. But, I better go. Bye.
She's back!
Well, Kayliegh came back last night. And I was super excited to see her. I missed her alot for the past couple months. But, we hung out today at her house; Her, Jenny, and I. I came home from her house with 2 boxes and a giant Kohl's bag of stuff. So, I am going to have fun figuring out what to do with what. HaHa. But, for the rest of the week, we are pretty much busy. Tomorrow apparently we're having like a birthday celebration for Grandpa, we're making burgers on the grill and everything. The Friday, Mom, Doug, and Kayliegh are going to a bar with a bunch of people for Grandpa's surprise party. Then on Saturday, me and Jenny are going to Kayliegh's house for a "Girl's night". So, it's going to be fun. But, I don't have much to write about. Bye.
