So I totally just noticed, after going through my books, that I took a loss for the wedding shoot I did. I knew I wouldn't be getting that much of a profit for it but the place I do my printings at I found want me to pay over 70 dollars for the prints. Which is completely unacceptable especially for such few prints, and the fact they want to crop all of my pictures.
I woke up next to Thaddeus and Kleo and actually felt alive (contrary to most mornings) I got up on me feet and called a client of mine and am so motivated. I swear I've never been so in my life.
I've had two photoshoots this week going on my third and biggest one ever. It deffinetly puts my nerves on edge but I am very very excited! I'm doing what I love for a change and actually getting paid decent money for it. Though I gave her a large discount for being in our military, why charge those who litteraly would give an arm and a leg for you? Plus just recently having my own wedding I understand the whole budget thing, I couldnt even begin to imagine how it would be like trying to plan a wedding in Afghanistan!
Its amazing how different 'work' feels when you do what you love. I'm attracting more visitors to H&A more and more frequantly, and having more and more people interested in shoots. Most of the time I would do it for free but I suppose the adult way to put it would be 'If people want it, why not charge 'em for it?' lol. But without these little things in my life here and there I know I would go mad. Been there not as fun as people think. Damn Mad Hatter making people get the wrong idea...I guess that's what makes him absolutely mad...
Now I'm not making any sense am I?
Its funny I have to work very veerrry shortly but here I am talking nonsence on a blog that no one reads and has most likely forgotten all about.
I guess that's my que to get ready
Thaddeus was sent from heaven to make sure
I don't loose my mind I swear.
Without him I go nuts.
Not because I miss him
or because he's all lovey dovey (because he's totally not)
but he grounds me
He reminds me that I'm no superwoman that can do it all
and he believes in me deeply
more than I do myself most days
Out of nowhere I come up with all of these ideas, all of these
aspirations. I want to do everything - then a week later
nothing.
One day I want to take the world head on
then the next I wake up and realize I cannot do everything as easily as I'd like
Then I don't want to do anything at all and settle
But its not like I'm settling I just dont know what I want to do
It is not being indesisive
Its more so I just dont know what I'd be happy with
I don't know what kind of job would make me happy
everyday
I don't know how to go about it
But what I do know scares the living piss out of me
I know if I stay in the job I have now
The job I enjoy
That's like a family
With the ups and the downs
I wont be able to get by
I wont be able to live off of it
there would be no savings
no new car that I so desperately need
no chance for promotion or progression in my job
no security
even for a top chef
no raise
I'm sick of Thaddeus being the bread winner
and soul provider
I once took care of him and now the roles are reverced I hate it
I hate him giving me an 'allowance'
because all my money went to bills and I have absolutely nothing left
I hate having to ask if I can buy papper towl
I hate it!
But he does it in stride
He doesnt mind because he knows I try
and I guess because he loves me too
He never complains
and never yells
What have I done to deserve him
'cause God knows that I yell
I scream
I tell him no when he wants to buy stuff (that he buys anyway)
Speak of the devil
Its time to go pick him up from work right now.
I'll update later.
Remember all the things we wanted
Now all our memories, they're haunted
We were always meant to say goodbye
Even with our fists held high
It never would have work out right, yeah
We were never meant for do or die
I didn't want us to burn out
I didn't come here to hurt you now I can't stop
[Chorus]
I want you to know
That it doesn't matter
Where we take this road
But someone's gotta go
And I want you to know
You couldn't have loved me better
But I want you to move on
So I'm already gone
Looking at you makes it harder
But I know that you'll find another
That doesn't always make you wanna cry
It started with the perfect kiss then
We could feel the poison set in
"Perfect" couldn't keep this love alive
You know that I love you so
I love you enough to let you go
[Chorus]
You can't make it feel right
When you know that it's wrong
I'm already gone, already gone
There's no moving on
So I'm already gone
Ahhh already gone, already gone, already gone
Ahhh already gone, already gone, already gone
Remember all the tings we wanted
Now all our memories, they're haunted
We were always meant to say goodbye
[Chorus]
You can't make it feel right
When you know that it's wrong
I'm already gone, already gone
There's no moving on
So I'm already gone
::
2010 21 January :: 11.36pm
:: Mood: calm
:: Music: Johnny Cash.
Cocaine Blues.
Early one mornin' while makin' the rounds
I took a shot of cocaine and I shot my woman down
I went right home and I went to bed I stuck that lovin' 44 beneath my head
Got up next mornin' and I grabbed that gun took a shot of cocaine and away I run
Made a good run but I run too slow they overtook me down in Juarez Mexico
Late in the hot joints takin' the pills in walked the sheriff from Jericho Hill
He said Willy Lee your name is not Jack Brown
You're the dirty hack that shot your woman down
Said yes oh yes my name is Willy Lee if you've got the warrant just aread it to me
Shot her down because she made me slow
I thought I was her daddy but she had five more
When I was arrested I was dressed in black
They put me on a train and they took me back
Had no friend for to go my bail they slapped my dried up carcass in that country jail
Early next mornin' bout a half past nine I spied the sheriff coming down the line
Talked and he coughed as he cleared his throat
He said come on you dirty heck into that district court
Into the courtroom my trial began where I was handled by twelve honest men
Just before the jury started out I saw the little judge commence to look about
In about five minutes in walked the man holding the verdict in his right hand
The verdict read in the first degree I hollered Lordy Lordy have a mercy on me
The judge he smiled as he picked up his pin 99 years in the Folsom pen
99 years underneath that ground I can't forget the day I shot that bad bitch down
Come on you've gotta listen unto me lay off that whiskey and let that cocaine be
Well it seems this is my first post of not just the year but as a married woman. Wow. Its so strange to say. Married. Wife. Thad's bitch fo' Life. Its still so uncomfortable to say but it doesn't feel any different. We still get into arguments, we still do the same things everyday, but I have noticed Thads become a bit more deffensive over me, about freakin time. It scares me at times the whole forever thing. But it only freaks me out when I fixate on it.
I feel better now though. It feels like Thad and I are doing things right for once, not just in the eyes of society but in the eyes of our God. I know it may sound a little preachy but it feels good. Really its an undescribably feeling but it just feels like everythings okay. No remorse, or paranoia. Its all good.
We're moving into our first house on the first of Feb. Its soo exciting! An actual house where Thaddeus and I can just roam. Its not big by any means but its perfect for the two of us and Klieo. We moved in our Sofa, chair, and rug. It already looks like a home. The first cannot come soon enough. I'll be an aunt, moved into a quaint little house, doing a photoshoot. Things are going to be great, but I'm soo impacient and even though its only two weeks away I want it now! If we wanted to we could have moved in earlier but Thaddeus doesnt want to move in yet. Which in my opinion is lame. Thad's been living in my dads basement for two years! Its time for him and I to get out! I'm nervous because there has been soo many broken promises about houses and whatnot, getting a house, an apartment, a duplex, he's milked living off of my dad and now its time my dad just kicked him out so he has to live on his own. Dad doesn't have the heart to kick anyone out but he has said that he couldn't wait until we moved out so he can save money. Wow, rambling... but I have alot on my mind.
::
2010 6 January :: 5.16pm
:: Mood: contemplative
Ultrasound results.
Well, my Doctor called me today and told me what they found on my ultrasound. As I figured, cysts, they keep appearing, then bursting, appearing, then bursting, etc. It's getting ridiculous. And because I'm still feeling some pain, she said I need to be monitored, cyst-wise. So, I'm making an appointment and talking to her about a possibility. I'll let you guys know what's going on.
Early.
Well, it's early, and I didn't sleep very well last night. I slept in the recliner. Talk about uncomfortable. But my plan for today is to call my doctor's office, check out the results of my ultrasound, and make another appointment. I am so happy to have this routine back. Doug back to work, Kids back to school. No one here to bother me, yell, scream, fight, whine, or nag. So, that's good. Luckily my pain level has gone down a bit, I can now stand up straight. I'm not all hunched over like some old woman. Still can't lift anything heavy, or stretch. I miss stretching in the morning, it's nice. But it hurts too much, so I don't dare do it. But most of the pain is now in my left side, and its the exact same pain I get everytime a new cyst appears, or bursts, or both at the same time. Ugh. But I better go wake Ava up for school. Bye.
-Samm