Out of the dark I heard you; your voice soft but strong.
You have never been a man of many words, but lately what you
say when you think I cant hear you, when you think I've been fast asleep for hours, are the words I hold so close to me.
Last night after checking the nursery one last time, sneaking into
our bedroom and turning off the lights, you slid up next to me whispering in my ear that you loved me. That alone can bring me
to my knees sometimes. As you ran your fingers through my hair (like I've told you not to do 100x over) you leaned in and kissed me on my forhead while telling me you were so blessed to have me as your wife and couldn't be happier about our 'evil spawn'. Marrying that man was the best thing that I ever did for myself.
We're not the lovey dovey type.
Really we're not.
Just at night...when we think the other one is asleep. Thats when
we talk all lovie.
Its so much more intamite.
In public we walk next to one another but I couldn't possibly tell you the last time we kissed in public...if ever. (aside from him dropping me off at work but we're in the car and if people are around forget it)
We're strange.
Old fashioned.
And believe that our love is just that ours.
We dont need to put on a show for people to prove how much we
love one another....No hardcore makeout sessions at Walmart or anything...Thats what kids do these days right? Makeout at walmart?
I digress.
I hate the nights your not home. For some reason when your gone
things dont feel right. Its like I've put my shoes on the wrong
feet. Its just not right.
You and I have our seperate lives with our friends, I see my friends quite frequantly and you have your alone time that you cherish so much. But its when your unuptainable is when it kills me.
Blame it on the pregnancy.
My hormones are all over the place.
Really I'm probably one of the most stable unstable wrecks you've
ever seen.
But for once in my life I feel like even though we've been through
hell and back this year its been the best year for us yet.
Not just because of our daughter, but because of how
both of us stepped up and really worked at our relationship
and stopped reading so far into things.
I'm proud of us.
I'm scared that the stress of the baby may change that.
But Lord I hope and pray it doesn't.
I hope she just brings us closer.
Anyways this really wasn't a nessasary post. I just felt like writing and I dont have microsoft word on my computer; so woohu is the next best thing. No one reads this crapola anywho.
::
2011 11 September :: 9.12pm
:: Mood: contemplative
:: Music: Scott Butler (i need to get a hold of him....)
Fuckin' Fall!
it's getting to be that time of year. we're not quite there yet, but getting steadily closer. it's cooling off. the kiddies are back in school. hell, the trees were starting to turn colors when i went up north last weekend.
it's coming, people. and there's not a damn thing you can do to stop it.
every year, when it gets to be about this time, i get... weird. well... even weirder than normal. but i like it, okay? this is probably my favorite time of year, and a large part of that is because it makes me feel this way. i'm not entirely convinced i'm alone in this, either. i mean, i seem to recall posting this spring about how i'd seen all these people breaking up because the weather was turning nice, and it was time to go out and play the field for the summer. and now that things are winding down, everyone's looking to snatch up somebody (or has already... they've had all bleeding summer) to hunker down with and spend the winter months together. i could be imagining all of this, and probably am, but it seems like an interesting theory, just in the nature of humans.
as fixated as i am on this possible phenomenon (if it is in fact more than in my head), i'm not sure that it applies to me. i'm in a constant state of oscillation between looking for someone to hunker down with, and looking for nothing but my own satisfaction (which would invariably be complicated by involving another person). this inability to settle on one option or the other primarily causes me to want to beat my head against a brick wall. which, in all actuality, would probably be about as productive as the running in circles i usually wind up doing.
but fall makes it different. it's more intense. the smells. the sounds. the way the air feels. it all means that it's time for introspection and reflection. soaking up nature, and all of the bounties of harvest time. quiet time alone to think about shit. lots of shit. to think about. i get nostalgic. i have ridiculous romanticized fantasies for the future. but they're all hypotheticals. because i like the subtle ache of watching everyone else be happy together. i was never a part of their happiness. even if i pretended awhile. but theirs isn't what makes me happy. i'm happy alone in my head. it's where i spent the first 7 years of my life. and all the bullshit of this world that i've encountered since has succeeded in doing nothing but confuse and depress me. why can't i go back and just think on things, and feel the ache, and have people leave me alone.
but the rest of the world won't let me do that. i guess that's why they say i get weird this time of year. because, to them, it is weird. sucks to be them. i like it this way. it's the way my brain was designed to be. if that's not good enough for you, then go suck a bag of dicks. because that's as good as it's ever going to be.
itīs getting dark... too soon... a threatening silence...
surrounding me... a wind... comes up from the islands...
when distance fades to stormy grey
washed out from the deep of the ocean
here i will stand to face your wrath...
while all the others are praying
*****
Another year of trials and tribulation; hasn't it been darling?
I've stretched myself to my limits and although I'm pretty sure you can see my mangled body you watch as I dig deep and grunt into one last stretch.
The pain resides so deep now that its made an imprint of itself that spells out your name.
Please tell me; is this fun
Please tell me; is this amusing
Please tell me; is this love
I waited for you love, why didn't you come?
Has it ever mattered less?
In your loving way tell me you'll replace what you stole from me
... then turn from me again
Remember the sick way you loved me
Now love me again
Draine me baby;
Take your leftovers
******
calm down my heart... donīt beat so fast...
donīt be afraid just once in a lifetime
calm down my heart... donīt beat so fast...
donīt be afraid just once in a lifetime
no rain can wash away my tears
no wind can soothe my pain
you made me doubt, you made me fear
but now iīm not the same
you took my wife, my unborn son...
torn into the deep of the ocean
i donīt pretend that i love you
īcause there is nothing left to lose
*******
I thought...
It doesn't matter what I thought
It matters what I think now
And if I could write a book
My Gospel of our relationship
How would you respond
and in my scripture I would have written
"alike Judas; she betray me with an embrace and a kiss"
Time can change so much cant it
**********
and when silence comes back to me
i find myself feeling lonely
standing here on the shores of destiny
i find myself feeling lonely
i had a life to give... many dreams to live...
donīt you know that youīre losing so much this time
beyond the waves... i will be free
while all the others are praying
****
For the longest time I felt alone
Torn down so far
And held there by your lies and contradictions
You watched me as I sank
I reached out to you
The sting I felt
The sting I felt when you turned away
But no more love
I cant feel that anymore
You made sure of that
*********
calm down my heart... donīt beat so fast...
donīt be afraid just once in a lifetime
calm down my heart... donīt beat so fast...
donīt be afraid just once in a lifetime
no rain can wash away my tears
no wind can soothe my pain
you made me doubt, you made me fear
but now iīm not the same
you took my wife, my unborn son...
torn into the deep of the ocean
i donīt pretend that i love you
īcause there is nothing left to lose
*******
There is no eligant way of expressing what you've done to me
There is no argument you can possibly have for yourself
How is it that the people closest to me over the past years are the ones that have turned so far from me now I need them?
I'm not going to pretend like I haven't changed
I'm a mother now
I live for my baby
And I Will protect her from liars
...like you
I cant hardly say that I wish we could sweep this under the rug
Because God knows that I've done it for years
But that was just me
Now its my husband and daughter your messing with as well
It wont happen
I wont let it
You've done so much wrong to us already
When will you just stop?
*****
the love in you, it does not burn,
there is no lesson you can learn
and there are sounds you cannot hear,
and there are feelings you canīt feel
calm down my heart... donīt beat so fast...
donīt be afraid just once in a lifetime
*******
Tell me again your sorry
That you would give the world to make things right
Let's watch as you screw me all over again
Then its not a big deal anymore....right?
Then your sorry and we'll play this game over and over AND OVER AGAIN!
I'm so drained of you, love. I really am.
If you haven't realized this is for you
How far can you push 'til their slipping off the edge
How much love can you give
How much poison can you inject
Tell me
Your the snake in my Eden
Its sad my baby girl wont see you for what you once were
This beautiful amazing person who loved life
But when she starts to form her own opinions...
she'll see the liar Thad and I see now
That everyone else refuses to acknowledge
I'm more so angry because it feels so much better than being hurt
I honestly think I'm out of tears when it comes to you
Sorry
Life I guess
*************
i donīt pretend that i love you
and this time iīm not scared of you
internet memes and why i don't understand them
apparently we have a rapist?
i'll take the rapist for $200, Alex.
you should hide yo:
a. Kids
b. Wife
c. Husband
d. All of the above
maybe someday the world will make more sense to me. in the meantime, i'm just doing my best to enjoy the ride and not fuck shit up too badly. which i seem prone to doing at times.
i may be an idiot, but at least i'm not from the projects?
