is that why they say people 'fall' for each other?
journal is going to be 9 years old this winter.
way to be fucking old, journal. you should try harder.
--------------------------------------
i keep seeing all these people getting together. i suppose it's all part of the annual cycle. as gunnie said, it's the time of year when i really start wanting a girlfriend.
it seems like summer's all about being single, and going out and playing the field. but now that it's fall, people are all getting ready to settle down and prepare for the winter hibernation. plus i think there's just something romantic about the leaves and the harvest and all that. it's a nice time of year to appreciate the coziness and warmth that can be had in a relationship - especially a fresh one.
the more i see people shacking up (and for the first time ever, my sister is one of them... don't think i haven't noticed that she's been hiding him from the family), the more left out i feel. not that i want to be a part of the herd necessarily, but i like the coziness and the warm fuzzies. and it's really hard to get that by yourself. after all, i should know.
speaking of The Herd; chuck and i have begun writing our Cultural Revolution Manifesto, or CRM. it's currently a very rough first draft. once we do some editing, augmentation, and revisions, i will start posting up the revised copies as we finish them. neither of us is very motivated, so who knows how long it will be. but at least we're getting started.
peace out, mr. j. it's been a pleasure, as always.
p.s. went to visit mike yesterday. he's doing incredibly well, considering that 3 weeks ago he was as good as dead. seems to know what's going on for the most part, but still gets confused occasionally. at least his nurses are cute. that should make things more tolerable.
If I die young bury me in satin
Lay me down on a bed of roses
Sink me in the river at dawn
Send me away with the words of a love song
Oh oh Oh oh
Lord make me a rainbow, I'll shine down on my mother
She'll know I'm safe with you when she stands under my colors, oh and
Life ain't always what you think it ought to be, no
Ain't even gray, but she buries her baby
The sharp knife of a short life, well
I've had just enough time
If I die young bury me in satin
Lay me down on a bed of roses
Sink me in the river at dawn
Send me away with the words of a love song
The sharp knife of a short life, well
I've had just enough time
And I'll be wearing white when I come into your kingdom
I'm as green as the ring on my little cold finger
I've never known the lovin' of a man
But it sure felt nice when he was holding my hand
There's a boy here in town says he'll love me forever
Who would have thought forever could be severed by
The sharp knife of a short life, well
I've had just enough time
So put on your best boys and I'll wear my pearls
What I never did is done
A penny for my thoughts, oh no I'll sell them for a dollar
They're worth so much more after I'm a goner
And maybe then you'll hear the words I been singin'
Funny when your dead how people start listenin'
If I die young bury me in satin
Lay me down on a bed of roses
Sink me in the river at dawn
Send me away with the words of a love song
Oh oh
The ballad of a dove
Go with peace and love
Gather up your tears, keep 'em in your pocket
Save them for a time when your really gonna need them oh
The sharp knife of a short life, well
I've had just enough time
::
2010 30 September :: 4.58pm
:: Mood: cheerful
:: Music: The Eels
Just a quickie...
Been busting my ass lately. doing lots of digging, building, chainsawing, etc. at the boss's house. cut down a pine tree with the neighbor here at the house last weekend. busy busy busy.
but i have tomorrow off. i am sleeping in, goddammit.
it feels good to have been accomplishing stuff. and my muscles are really sore, but that should be a good thing, right? right.
last weekend our friend mike was in an accident. he was drunk, supposedly driving home, which doesn't explain what he was doing out on lincoln lake rd. when he was in GR, and lives in Grant. he hit a firetruck, which then rolled down an embankment. but at least he had prompt first aid. he's still unconscious in intensive care, but he seems to have stabilized a bit, and is even improving in some regards. it was pretty touch and go for awhile, and there's still the likelihood of paralysis, and a slight risk of brain damage. i guess at least he didn't kill anyone. it's weird, because mike has always driven drunk. i'm not sure if it's more surprising that it happened at all, or that it took this long. but, if you pray, he and his family really need it. i have been, in my own way.
sorry if that brought you down. just the facts of whats going on.
otherwise, it's life as usual. i actually have a bit of money in the bank, which blows my mind. and it's not a lot. so, i'm just waiting for something expensive to happen. but in the meantime, it feels good to have a little cushion. and gas in the truck.
now, to work on whittling away at some of that money and starting off my long weekend properly....
Its so hard to let you go
Its so hard to watch you leave
I try to speak up
I try to talk things out
But I can never find the words...
I've always been a pro when it came to talkin' till now.
*sigh*
I almost saw something in you last night. I almost saw that man I fell in love with, and God knows how badly I truely wanted to grasp onto you and not let you go...but I watched as you faded to black.
You didn't want this...right?
I don't.
I never will be okay with this.
But I'm tired.
And you haven't cared for awhile.
In this life I've had a lot of " me's, and I's" but everyone knows I put You first. And God knows I would bend...but there's a difference between bending and breaking for you...and I've done both.
I lay on an old couch waiting for the night to be over, without you there nights are so unbearable. I hate admitting how much I need you. But for the first time in 6 years I got sick - horribly sick- and you weren't there.
Still not.
You call yourself a Freeman
Well tell me this
Does a freeman bear the chains you have strapped to you?
Didn't think so
Why can't I just be mad at you and be 'better off without you'
So, I've concluded that watching Medical Miracles or whatever the name of the show is on Discovery Health, is not condusive to a good nights sleep..
There was a woman who was pregnant, but they kept telling her that it was just a cyst.. Well, after 9 months, she indeed had a child. However, that baby had a mass in its stomach that was an 18 week old fetus. It had a head, legs, and arms, with fingers and toes..
Trying to sleep with that in your head, is not easy.. And doesn't help when you already have strange dreams..
Never knew I could feel like this
Like I've never seen the sky before
Want to vanish inside your kiss
Everyday I love you more and more
Listen to my heart can you hear it sings
Telling me to give you everything
Seasons may change winter to spring
But I love you until the end of time
Come what may Come what may
I will love you until my dying day
Suddenly the world seems such a perfect place
Suddenly it moves with such a perfect grace
Suddenly my life doesn't seem such a waste
It all revolves around you
And there's no mountain too high no river too wide
Sing out this song and I'll be there by your side
Storm clouds may gather and stars may collide
But I love you I love you until the end of time
Come what may come what may
I will love you until my dying day
Oh come what may come what may
I will love you oh i will love you
Suddenly the world seems such a perfect place
Come what may come what may
I will love you until my dying day
i spent some time today tearing the mower apart, cleaning it out, replacing the fuel line, and then reassembling everything. it still ran like shit, but at least it still ran - i didn't break anything! which also means that it's probably the spark plug. i pulled it and it's pretty well fried, i think. sometimes it's hard to tell with those; they can look all crudded up and still fire okay. but since it's not running and i already checked pretty much everything else on the engine, process of elimination mandates that it is indeed the culprit. a new one will either confirm or deny the theory, at any rate. it's kinda dumb that i tore it all apart, and still didn't fix the problem, but the fuel line needed to be done anyway, so it worked out.
kinda taking a hiatus from the painting thing so i can help watch joe while he's up for the week. i do have to run and put in a bunch of screens at another house tomorrow afternoon. apparently the new tenants really want them. i have no idea if that hare-brained scheme of the hooks and latches is going to work, but there's only one way to find out.
dropped bruce's boat off at van's today. we'll see what they come up with. i wasn't there when he encountered the problem, so i have no idea what might be going on with that thing. invariably, it's something to do with the fact that he's left it sitting in the woods for the last two years, and has only taken it out on the water a select few occasions in that span of time. he's not very neat or clean or proper with that thing, all of which are kind of requisite. outboard motors are notoriously finnicky and demand special attention... which is why his never run correctly.
i did feel really dumb, though. i had to use chuck's truck to tow it down there, since i only have an 1 7/8" ball on my truck, and it's a 2" hitch on that trailer. but chuck's truck only has the round trailer light jack, while the trailer has a flat plug. so i drove it all the way to alpine without trailer lights, because i was running out of time and didn't know what else to do. i just had to get it done and get his truck back to him. after i drop it off, bruce calls to see how i'm doing. i explain about the plug thing, and he says, "isn't the adapter in that orange bin?"
"what orange bin?"
"the one i gave you with all the trailer hitch stuff in it"
". . . oh. that one. yeah, maybe. didn't think to check there."
i get home (sans trailer), and sure as shit, it's sitting right there in the orange bin with all the trailer hitch stuff. i felt like such a dumbass. and driving that thing over there without lights was no treat, let me tell you. people on alpine will tailgate and cut you off simultaneously, without warning; especially if you're towing something. and that's dangerous when they don't have any way of knowing you had to slam on your brakes for smiling Jack Asshole, who realized at the last possible second that this was his turn, so he darts across two lanes of traffic halfway through the intersection. yeah, alpine.
::
2010 9 August :: 8.23pm
:: Music: A Rocket To the Moon; Like We Used To
I haven't seen you in days.
I'd miss you
...if I could
I've been working a lot, I know.
But seeing your face at the end of the day has always felt so right.
Why don't you look at me, or greet me at the door like you once did?
(is this the beginning of the end?)
A question a dread to ask.
You glue yourself to the television as if it were God himself standing there before you...I don't even get a glance.
I smile at you and jokingly ask if you've missed me...'No'
(did you realize that it has been 5 days...now 6)
Honey what's wrong? Long day at work? ' Nothings wrong. '
(I'm sure)
I'm so numb to you. And I know that its a defense mechanism but that's the only way I can protect myself from you now. What happens from here on out is.... I wish I knew.
I'd miss you
....if I could
It has become hard now to miss something unresponsive and blank.
But oh, is it easy to miss the one who once would drive 20 miles to see me, even if it meant not leaving the driveway, or the man who would wrap his arms around me when he thought I was asleep and whisper in my ear 'I love you' then give me a squeeze before a kiss on the neck.
Yet in the same breath I am not dense I know he's not there anymore.
But in all fairness
...neither am I
The only difference is - how long will it take for you to notice?
A guy called me a bitch at work today. He looked 16, didn't have an ID so I didn't sell him chew. So he called me a bitch. And I don't know why, but I laughed like it was the funniest damn thing I have heard in a long time.