Thaddeus was sent from heaven to make sure
I don't loose my mind I swear.
Without him I go nuts.
Not because I miss him
or because he's all lovey dovey (because he's totally not)
but he grounds me
He reminds me that I'm no superwoman that can do it all
and he believes in me deeply
more than I do myself most days
Out of nowhere I come up with all of these ideas, all of these
aspirations. I want to do everything - then a week later
nothing.
One day I want to take the world head on
then the next I wake up and realize I cannot do everything as easily as I'd like
Then I don't want to do anything at all and settle
But its not like I'm settling I just dont know what I want to do
It is not being indesisive
Its more so I just dont know what I'd be happy with
I don't know what kind of job would make me happy
everyday
I don't know how to go about it
But what I do know scares the living piss out of me
I know if I stay in the job I have now
The job I enjoy
That's like a family
With the ups and the downs
I wont be able to get by
I wont be able to live off of it
there would be no savings
no new car that I so desperately need
no chance for promotion or progression in my job
no security
even for a top chef
no raise
I'm sick of Thaddeus being the bread winner
and soul provider
I once took care of him and now the roles are reverced I hate it
I hate him giving me an 'allowance'
because all my money went to bills and I have absolutely nothing left
I hate having to ask if I can buy papper towl
I hate it!
But he does it in stride
He doesnt mind because he knows I try
and I guess because he loves me too
He never complains
and never yells
What have I done to deserve him
'cause God knows that I yell
I scream
I tell him no when he wants to buy stuff (that he buys anyway)
Speak of the devil
Its time to go pick him up from work right now.
I'll update later.
so yeah. think i have a cold of some sort. that's pretty bitchin'. shan tomorrow, dad friday, kevie-poo early next week. weekend's pretty open, but the neighbors might be having a fire. that'd be fun. i like fire. and stars.
actually, i made a very important (personally) discovery tonight about the stars that i often look at. if you know the constellations cassiopeia and orion, then you can find what i'm talking about. because right in between them, there is this weird curvy group of stars. these are all visible to the naked eye on a clear night. when i first saw it, i was most struck by its resemblance to a parabolic curve. and ever since then i've wanted to figure out what constellation it is, and if i could find a mathematical equation for the curve that would best fit that group of stars (have them all be on or very near it). i'm lazy so it'll probably never happen. and i'm discouraged by the likelihood that someone else has already beat me to the punch. anyway, i discovered tonight (through the use of theseprograms) that the stars i was looking at belong primarily to the constellation perseus. obviously, there are some stars of perseus that i have omitted from "my" grouping, and may have stolen one or two from somewhere else, but it's still a cool pattern.
but now i'm pissed because the entire time i was trying to watch for perseid meteors, i had no idea where in the sky to look. i guess now i know for the next time. but it's frustrating that i would have been able to, had i known the name of the constellation i've been looking at for the past couple of years already. but now i do, so there.
It's god damn 2010 and people still don't know how to do the most simple things on their work computers. Now I could understand if you don't use a computer much, but these people, it's a part of their damn jobs. The company gives them these machines that are a part of doing their jobs, they don't know anything about these machines so really they don't know how to do their jobs. Do your damn job.
::
2010 16 February :: 6.57pm
:: Music: Life After You - Daughtry
Life.. it happens whether we want it to or not..
I feel like I have hit a stand still in my life.
I don't feel like I am moving forward or backward.
I am completely happy with everything that has happened.
I love my life, just feel like it's too straight and narrow.
I hate my job; getting up at the same time, leaving at the same time, doing the same thing everyday, and seeing the same people.
I hate the repitition.
I understand that no matter what job I will end up doing, I will be doing the same thing over and over.
But after 2 years, I need a new scene. I need a different atmosphere.
I need to be able to go to work, and know that I'm not going to get into an argument with my boss over something petty.
I need a drastic change on the job front, like yesterday.
Something where I will see different people everyday.
I might be able to handle getting up at the same time, and leaving at the same time, if i had a different atmosphere to go to, and enjoy.
Having my nights to myself is lonely, and although I should be filling it with my homework, I don't.
I don't have the ambition to do my homework, because I am too caught up in being exhausted from work, and thinking about how I am just going to be going home to an empty, well almost empty house.
Remember all the things we wanted
Now all our memories, they're haunted
We were always meant to say goodbye
Even with our fists held high
It never would have work out right, yeah
We were never meant for do or die
I didn't want us to burn out
I didn't come here to hurt you now I can't stop
[Chorus]
I want you to know
That it doesn't matter
Where we take this road
But someone's gotta go
And I want you to know
You couldn't have loved me better
But I want you to move on
So I'm already gone
Looking at you makes it harder
But I know that you'll find another
That doesn't always make you wanna cry
It started with the perfect kiss then
We could feel the poison set in
"Perfect" couldn't keep this love alive
You know that I love you so
I love you enough to let you go
[Chorus]
You can't make it feel right
When you know that it's wrong
I'm already gone, already gone
There's no moving on
So I'm already gone
Ahhh already gone, already gone, already gone
Ahhh already gone, already gone, already gone
Remember all the tings we wanted
Now all our memories, they're haunted
We were always meant to say goodbye
[Chorus]
You can't make it feel right
When you know that it's wrong
I'm already gone, already gone
There's no moving on
So I'm already gone