I am unsure if i am going to support the ufc as much as i have after that horrible decision vic for couture, shit is bullshit. Vera won the fight hands down. shit is retarded and frustrating.
For those who don't understand, well...I just don't care.
We're getting things ready, and set.
We have our minds made up
We're walking down the ailse and thats enough
Enough for us right now, thats what we want
It was his idea at first
And I now agree
I know it sounds stupid
and its not all about the money
But there are things I need and things he desires
And no I haven't tried to rhyme throughout this thing
But it kinda played out that way...now for the awkward pause in your reading because the flow has completely stoped.
I guess what I am trying to say is, please be supportive. We have our reasons for this and its not like we're not having our wedding later as well. But we're going through the Justice of the Peace, next month or early January. I dont want to feel like people are talking Thaddeus and I out of this. It is our desicion and thats final. Yes we're young, yes we aren't having the proper wedding, yes we are a bit ignorant to things. We all are. If we were born in marriage marriage itself wouldn't be a big deal. I want people to understand that Thaddeus and I have been in the workings of this for years and now it seems like the perfect time to act. So dont be worried about not going to a reception, or going to see the magical moment, and blah de blah, there will be a time. But right now its right for us. You got questions? Well then ask them. Dont be so judgemental before you get it.
If I could have a dream wedding tomorrow I would, but the fact of the matter is we cant and WE dont want to wait that long. Things have come up that make it a bit more difficult to save up money for the wedding unless we're already married. Haha. I know how that sounds but its true. I think people wouldn't even understand if I explained it to them. Really. I'm stressin' out as is. Please just give me a fuckin' break. I don't need to hear it. If I wanna listen to someone preach I'd be sitting in church right now or upstairs listening to my father.
I have come to the conclusion that the human race is pathetic.
We're everything we say we're not, and we pretend to be the things we say we are.
I guess not everyone, but generalizations are always much easier than the specifics.
We're childish.
No one is every really as strong as they admit to being.
Everyone has a breaking point.
It is all part of pretending.
The truth hurts, life is hard, and people are pathetic.
....
So lately, my life has consisted of working during the day, and being alone at night.
I've been hanging out with Chelsea quite a bit lately, and it's a blast.
On my weekends I spend them with Mike, because thats really only the time I get to see him and it definitely sucks.
I am definitely excited that my sister is coming up Saturday and will be here til Thanksgiving.
You can block comments? Me too.
How do I start this? This is not the first time you have blown me off. I stand by, making sure I do not have plans, for YOU. I make sure I don't leave the house because YOU are supposed to be coming over. Fuck that, I'm done. Everyone knows that it's just common courtesy to call and say "Hey, I can't make it" or at least answer a goddamn phone call. This has happened so much, it's ridiculous. This is the reason you have to fill your life with new voices, memories, and laughs. Because the old ones are sick and tired of your shit. I'm stepping up and finally saying what I have been thinking for quite some time now. No more defending you, No more keeping your secrets, No more pretending I think it's okay that you sleep with a new guy every other week. DONE. I don't care if you don't answer your phone, because I won't be calling anymore. And if you call me, expect the same thing. I'm tired of your bullshit.
I began to think last night about what is truely going on in my life.
Kind of like an outsider looking in.
I've realized somethings about myself.
Like I'm a sap
a giver
I'm that loyal bestfriend that never wavers
I'm your worst enemie
and a passionate lover
a devoted Christian
a horrible sinner
I'm that person you call at two a.m when no ones around and you need a friend
I'm that person that will say I wasn't asleep when I was far away and dreaming, so you dont feel bad about you venting
and through it all I begin to see that the closest people to me, havent an idea at all. Not about whats going on with my life or how I'm feeling. I never want to burden. Or give away my issues. And it at times leaves me with the feeling I'm being taken advantage of. Its my own fault for not opening up. But again, its me that becomes the blame, not them. Ever. I wish I could point the finger and scream and not care. Not in the slightest about how they feel or what the outcome may be. I wish I knew how to let my guard down... Who knows if I ever will.
Its amazing and scary at the same time, in exactly a two years from now I will be Mrs. Thaddeus Gamez.
Its hard to believe really, I know its the right decision because of how much I love him and how there is no one else in the world that I could possibly love more, but still I"m soo young and I'm soo scared. I dont have the first clue of how to be a 'wife' and I dont even know how Thaddeus is standing on the whole deal. I mean I know he wants to get married but he's not that romantic 'I love you because...' kinda guy. I want so badly to have everything go right for us, and I'm scared that it wont...I know it wont. I miss him soo much when he's gone and I haven't the slightest clue if he feels the same or remotely similar. We dont talk like that. Never have really. Mrs.Gamez. Thats a horrible last name...I'd prefer Winningham any day. I dont know. There is so much to do in such little time. I dont know how I'm going to do this. I feel so confused and just completely and utterly vexed.
Whatever, I'm going to bed. Or try to anyway. Sorry for the slightly pessimistic post. I hate it when my mind gets going like this. It never stops.
I pulled in some extra hours at the Hut this week, ausome!
I also have my first shoot coming up in the coming month. I'm so excited and soo nervous, doing the what if nothing turns out right, or what if their not satisfied with the final product or if the child is uncooperative? Ahh
Nerves I'm tellin' ya
But I'm more excited than anything. Its just getting over that first initial hump I guess. I've done photos for friends, done friends senior photos... Not so much people I don't know and have to feel out myself in the course of a couple hours.
Tonight I lack the strength to even move,
When you walked, now watch me die
But I know this is harder for you,
For love has let you down
yeah C'mon
I am not alone
The road ahead is lined with broken dreams,
So walk, yeah walk on by
And I failed to give you everything you need,
For the fears, behind your eyes
When I can’t feel you,
I’m not alright, I’m not alright,
When I can’t feel you,
I’m not alright, I’m not alright
When I can’t feel you
Jesus as you throw me on the rocks,
For love I left your side
'cus I believed in love and beauty’s wiles,
Where heaven shone from your eyes
Chained to your tree
I wanted you to say
I wanted you to say
I wanted to believe
Chained to your tree
I wanted you to say
I wanted you to say
Tell me that it wasn’t all for naught,
It’s such a waste now, It’s such a waste now c’mon
I know your scared but baby don’t you hide,
It’s such a waste,
You'll stand alone now, you'll make it somehow