Speak Now.

:: 2004 3 July :: 10.32pm

Something new.

3 Thoughts | Thoughts?

:: 2004 3 July :: 8.15pm

I miss.
I read this entire journal today. It interested me in a way I cannot explain. It was like my entire year was being thrown in my face. All the happy expierences and all the things that never turned out. All the emotions. All the hate. Everything just combined.

Frustration. Once again.

I made all my entries public. No more hiding. Slowly I'm letting people in. Maybe at the end of this all there will be no more secrets.

:: 2004 2 July :: 11.38am
:: Music: Sugarcult - [untitled]

The dryer woke me up twice.

And the answering machine kept me awake.

My alarm clock didn't even get a chance.
*shakes head*

:: 2004 1 July :: 1.00pm
:: Music: Kill Hannah - Welcome to Chicago Motherfucker

I slept in.
I'm so.. frustrated.

With everything.

You make me come
You make me complete
You make me completely miserable : Lit - Miserable

:: 2004 29 June :: 9.21pm

I have decided and..
I hate people.

:: 2004 28 June :: 12.04pm

I have to keep telling myself..
Everyone is allowed to be annoying.
Everyone is allowed to be annoying.
Everyone is allowed to be annoying.
Everyone is allowed to be annoying.
Everyone is allowed to be annoying.
Everyone is allowed to be annoying.
Everyone is allowed to be annoying.

:: 2004 27 June :: 12.46pm

Yesterday.
On the way to church:
I forget my notebook because everyone is in such a big fucking hurry to get there twenty minutes early to get "good seats." It's not a fucking movie, we'll get there in time. Bleh..
My CD players batteries are dead. Which automatically angers me because mom is playing church music. Dustin says he has batteries, gives me two. I happily put them in, only to find they are dead. Now instead of two dead batteries, I have four! Yay.
I tell my mother that I lost my wallet with my permit in it. She starts yelling at me and telling me I have to find it. When I explain to her I have looked she yells more.
Half hour ride listening to my mother and grandmother talk about crap.
Radio is on, playing shitty music. Finally it is changed to wgrd, which I still hate, but luckily Smashing Pumpkins is playing, and it's all 90's music which makes me smile.

It doesn't seem like too bad of a trip, but everything was annoying me yesterday. Everything. Just one of those days.

So we go and sit down. The annoying band starts playing their stupid music. I feel the need to just start writing how much this annoys me, so I ask my mom for a pen and she tells me to wait as I search for something, anything to write on. I sit down while everyone is standing and singing. I find a pen, begin to write. This is what I got:
I look around and all I see is clones. Raising their hands, reading words off a screen. This rant is bigger than me having to listen to church music. It's about society, this environment that has been created. Everyone shakes eachothers hands, smile, pray, read out of a book once a week then they go home and sin. When you go home you're still that drunk, or that mom that doesn't know how to raise your kids. Whatever you are, church won't change you. I won't bow my head, or clap for you. Each message is made to sound like it relates to you, when in reality it relates to anyone who can breath and live. Then they collect money, that they oh so desperately need. Robbing my mother of money we don't have. 'Hallelujah.' It's just a word. Saying it doesn't make you any better than someone else who swears. Chances are you do too.

I would have written more, but this was all on scraps of paper I had to find.

Don't get me wrong. If you like to go to church and it helps you, go for it. I'm not against or for church. But.. I don't like being forced.

Maybe I'm making too big of a deal out of it. But it has happened too many times. I need to relax.

Well the end of the day made the rest of the day worth it.

But.. I have this headache that just won't go away.

God.. I need to shut up.

:: 2004 27 June :: 12.40am
:: Music: Brand New - Play Crack the Sky

I know this is what you want.
"I just want everyone to love me."
"Everyone can't love everyone."
"Everyone loves you."
"Haha.. a lot of people hate me."

It's funny how society does that to people. Feeling the need to fit in or be wanted. Sad. Not much I can do. Just wait.

I'm at a loss for words. I can't find them, maybe I will tomorrow.

:: 2004 26 June :: 3.52pm
:: Music: Nothing, because my fucking speakers hate me.

A neverending battle with myself.
Church. I don't see the point. I don't think I ever will.

"You should want to go." -My mother
"Well, I don't." -Me
"Then something's wrong with you." -My mother

A conversation I have had a million times with her. I hate it. I hate people forcing me to do something. It defeats the purpose. I'm sure God wouldn't want me there if I didn't really want to be there and if there is a God, he knows I would rather be somewhere else.

I still don't know what I believe. It seems way too out there for me. I have written about this sooo many times, writing once more seems pointless so I'm gonna stop.

I'm gonna just go. And stand and pretend to enjoy the music, put a smile on my face when I shake peoples hands I don't know, pretend to listen to the message. I'll just write in my notebook for an hour.

:: 2004 24 June :: 5.29pm

You are my air.
I felt the water scald my fingertips and the air freeze my toes. As I stepped out, the coldness attached to my skin and sucked the life out of me. I washed away every inch of dirt from the words you threw at me.

Everyones messed up. Others just hide it better.

Right now everything is an inspiration.

I love these days.

And it's raining.

*sigh*

:: 2004 24 June :: 12.33pm
:: Music: Dashboard Confessional - Screaming Infidelities

I have no safe zone.
I can't fucking write anywhere without someone reading it and making some wild assumptions. I write for myself, I write so I understand, I write so I remember, I write for me. Selfish? Maybe.

Just please, don't ask me what my entries are about. Everyone asks me. Always. Which is normal, if I don't know, I also ask. But please do me the favor and just wonder, because I don't want to lie.

I'd rather write in my paper journal. I like the looks of it, I like the little lock on the side, I like the art, I like how it's my actual writing, how I choose for it to look.. but it's not comfortable. It doesn't take up enough time. I guess it's not me.

I'm rambling. Because. I'm so messed up inside. I didn't realize it until a few minutes ago. I was reading through someones journal and I felt their pain. I felt their frustration, hurt.. something that resembled me. The hate. How they just hate. Everything. That visits me repeatedly. Just the overwhelming amounts of anger. I'm glad I don't own a gun because at some of those times I was ready to shoot a best friend enough to kill them.

Stacy is so emo.
I am so emo.
She needs to chill out.
I need to chill out.
It's true.

Life for me right now: pretty close to perfect.
Ignoring the facts that I went behind one of my best friends backs and now everything is messed up, my ex boyfriend hates me, I feel like I stole something from another person, she is never happy and does things I'd hate a person for doing, my dad is an asshole, my mom won't get off my case, my life isn't going anywhere.. why am I writing this? Who cares.

I'm not sad, at all. I feel like I should be falling apart because my insides are so tangled. But I'm not. It's teenage life. No one is ever satisfyed.

Everyone needs a reason to bitch. Everyone needs to be mad at someone. Someone has to be a liar, someone has to be the bitch, all I know is someone told someone else something and now their secret is out.

Bla bla bla.

I'm ok, it's ok.

I want to keep writing, just never stop.. fill pages upon pages of words that no one cares to read. I feel like I could define myself in a million words and you wouldn't begin to understand a second of my life. Everyone thinks their life is worse than someone elses. Everyone thinks their parents are more unfair than anyone elses. Everyone puts their own problems before anyone elses.

I can tell you now. The times I feel the most pain is when I'm thinking about someone else. Not myself.

Rambling once more..

Let me repeat. I'm content. I'm not sad, I'm not angry. I'm just.. me. My emotions are mine, my strengths are mine, my weaknesses are mine, my secrets are mine, my thoughts are mine. My life, it's mine.

I'm in control, and I choose to watch. Everything and everyone.

:: 2004 22 June :: 11.13pm

It's only you, beautiful.
People change.

Things change.

Life is funny like that.

:: 2004 20 June :: 5.27pm
:: Music: Dashboard Confessional - The Best Deceptions

I guess I should have heard of them from you.
What are you supposed to do when nothing seems right?

Nothing.

:: 2004 16 June :: 9.51pm

I dare you to move.
You seem to think really maturely and profoundly.

It's nice.

:: 2004 14 June :: 4.33pm

It didn't bother me until I was there.

In the exact place where he asked me out. The same car, where he sat, the same surroundings. I wish memories could wash away easier.

Funny. The day after, and I'm there.

I gave a little bit of myself to him. I'm really careful with that. *shrugs*

It's over, and.. I think I'm glad.

:: 2004 14 June :: 12.41pm
:: Music: Switchfoot - Dare you to Move

So this is what it feels like. Hmm..

I hope you're miserable. Because I'm not.

You're probably not either. Oh well.

:: 2004 13 June :: 11.53pm

If you're not a knife stabbing into my heart you are unwelcome.
Well glad that lasted long. Oh wait, it didn't.

Also glad to hear I'm not worth a fight. I'm really fucking sick of everyone giving up on me.

Pretty soon, there's not gonna be anyone left. For some reason, I'm ok with that.

:: 2004 13 June :: 2.25am
:: Music: wonderwall - oasis

Beautiful liar.
I'm a horrible person.

And it sucks.

It is also my fault.

Lovely.

:: 2004 12 June :: 12.59pm
:: Music: Brand New - The Quiet Things That No One Ever Knows

This song has somewhat of a significance. Actually it makes me smile.
I could not agree more.

I'm torn between two places. I have a choice, that I need to make, but I won't. I have to give it a chance, even though it doesn't feel the same anymore. When I started to lose the feeling, it was too soon. When I said okay, it was too soon. When I started having doubts, it was way too soon.

It's only highschool. So I'm gonna let this take it's course, and when it's over I hope I have someone waiting for me. Unless they get tired, or find someone else. It's ok.

It's ok.

I can't help but feel guilty. This brand that has been put on things stops me from what I want to do, but I feel like I'm crossing the line more and more. I can't help it. Well I can, but I don't want to. I really.. don't.

I just don't want to become someone I never wanted to be. I hope throughout all my changes I'll always have someone. That's simply all I ask.

It's just..
You seem too perfect.

:: 2004 11 June :: 12.20pm

You've already won me over.

:: 2004 9 June :: 10.02am
:: Music: Taking Back Sunday - Timberwolves at New Jersey

we're both such magnificent liars
and it's slowly killing me.

:: 2004 7 June :: 8.20pm

I'm glad you lost hope, because I did too.

And there you are..

:: 2004 7 June :: 5.13pm

I'm sick of this honesty shit.

Do me a favor and just lie, it'll make things easier.

Sadly, I don't even care all that much. It could be over.. and I don't think I'd even care. Allow me to quote "honestly."

3 Thoughts | Thoughts?

:: 2004 7 June :: 10.25am

You make love feel like war.

:: 2004 6 June :: 2.35pm

One thing's true; there's always a brand new day.

3 Thoughts | Thoughts?

:: 2004 5 June :: 6.13pm

Anytime you want to be captured, just ask me. please.
I'm content. It's an odd feeling. Since school has been out I have been busy, and hanging out with people that don't annoy me, in fact they make me rather happy.

I hope the entire summer is this good, I actually hope it gets even better.

The first day was awesome, it only got better. I needed this, I was ready to die a few days ago. I was more than ready.

2 Thoughts | Thoughts?

:: 2004 1 June :: 7.15pm

It's like a bird, trying to swim. With a fucking broken wing nonetheless.
I hate it here. I can't pretend I don't. I fucking hate it. I hate everything about it, I hate the people in it, I hate the fucking school, I hate the fucking birds that sing.

I can't see myself happy here, ever. Yeah, I'm happy from time to time, but actually staying happy. No.

Two more days. I can't fucking wait. I'd rather be home, bored to death.

Stacy:
I need new people.
Michelle:
new york people
Stacy:
Anywhere but here people.

fuck, fuuuck, fuck. [add the word fuck about a zillion more times and you won't begin to feel my frustration]

:: 2004 29 May :: 12.16am

I wish I could explain how I feel.. the truth is I don't even know.

So I can't.

:: 2004 26 May :: 3.32pm

It's me, ya know the dramatic bitchy girl?
"I need to grow up."
"Stacy.. we all need to."

:: 2004 25 May :: 10.05am

you're my wonderwall.
Everyone has to wake up from the deadest dreams with the coldest hands.

Someone wants me dead.