fallenfaces
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2006 29 January :: 1.47pm
:: Music: Rent Soundtrack
Rent - Without You
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fallenfaces
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2006 17 January :: 1.59pm
:: Music: Bob Dylan - Blowing in the Wind
Everything reminds me of you.
Days like today are hard.
I hate memories.
Some times I wish they could all just go away.
Yeah, it's better to have loved and lost or whatever the fuck.
But, it's not easier. And I miss you every day and think about you every day. I just want you back. To this day I'd still take you back.
And that is pathetic and sad.
It wasn't like that for a while and now it is again.
I'm trying to be strong. Sometimes it works other times it just does't.
I wish I could throw all of what I remember in your face so you could miss me like I miss you. Did you just forget? Does it just not matter to you? Did it ever matter? I have a million questions that I'll never know the answer to.
I just want it to be over with.
When will it all be over with?
Nevermind. It makes no difference.
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fallenfaces
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2006 17 January :: 1.26pm
That's what I want.
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fallenfaces
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2006 12 January :: 6.39am
:: Music: Ani Difranco - Not a Pretty Girl
Sorry.
I'm not a kitten stuck up a tree somewhere.
Don't you think every kitten figures out how to get down whether or not you ever show up?
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cleverlinesunread
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2005 12 December :: 4.59pm
When you're in darkness don't forget what you saw in the light.
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fallenfaces
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2005 3 December :: 9.39am
:: Music: Howie Day - Collide
Just for me.
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fallenfaces
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2005 15 November :: 6.50am
Friends only from now on as well.
For the same reason. Ha!
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fallenfaces
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2005 27 September :: 6.45am
The past..
I'll be the first to admit..
I am so fucked up and ruined.
And it's not my fault.
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fallenfaces
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2005 24 September :: 12.05pm
I love these lyrics.
I cannot pretend that I felt any regret
Cause each broken heart will eventually mend
As the blood runs red down the needle and thread
Someday you will be loved
You'll be loved you'll be loved
Like you never have known
The memories of me
Will seem more like bad dreams
Just a series of blurs
Like I never occurred
Someday you will be loved
You may feel alone when you're falling asleep
And everytime tears roll down your cheeks
But I know your heart belongs to someone you've yet to meet
Someday you will be loved
Death Cab for Cutie - Someday You Will Be Loved
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fallenfaces
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2005 20 September :: 6.34am
I know things get tough.. real tough.
But, I care about you more than you know. Even if I don't always say it or show it, just realize that I do.
You should be used to me by now.
1 Thought |
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fallenfaces
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2005 19 September :: 6.42am
I don't know what to do! I'm crying out to you.
I love you, but I want to be happy.And I want you to be happy.
I'm really at a loss of what we can do.
Just stay together and be miserable?
Or have you leave and me be miserable anyway?
See, you can start a new life with new people.
While I'm just stuck here for another fucking year. Alone.
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fallenfaces
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2005 16 September :: 6.34am
When I look into your eyes I know you're all I need.
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fallenfaces
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2005 8 September :: 6.58am
I love waking up to you crawling into my bed.
I love you.
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fallenfaces
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2005 1 September :: 3.20pm
:: Music: John Lennon
Hypocrite!
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fallenfaces
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2005 1 September :: 10.57am
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fallenfaces
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2005 15 August :: 3.56pm
That girl.
I've realized I have caused this journal to be a very depressing place to visit. The majority of all my writings are ramblings of a depressed, empty girl. And that's not all I am. I am depressed, but not empty at all. I always said there was a difference between being sad and being depressed. I think sadness is a very short period of time. Your cat dying, losing your favorite shirt,or failing a class for example. And depression is when you're happy for short periods of time, but in the end every day closes with sadness. Which is the case for me. That feeling of happiness always fades. But, this is just a phase. I won't be like this forever. I'll be happy all the time and have short periods of sadness sooner or later. So, I have accepted the fact that I am depressed. But, I'm not about to turn to pills or suicide. I know I'm not in the deepest form of depression, hence me not hurting myself physically. A lot of people are much more depressed than I am. So there is a bright side, for me anyway. Not for them.
Church has really been hitting home lately. I hold everything that has been said to be very true and I want to practice it. I have to respect Brad even if he doesn't love me and he has to love me even if I don't respect him. We have to make compromises. He needs days with just the guys and I needs days with just the girls. We have to be okay with giving certain things up for the other. I have to do things for him and he has to do things for me. We have to connect. It's all very hard. Trust me, but I'm willing to do it all. I'm willing to become happy again. I want to be that girl he used to write poems about. That girl he used to get chills from just feeling her touch. That girl he wanted to spend every second with. I want to be that girl. That girl. If I could be her again it'd be a dream. I think I'd be happy again. I long for love and to be loved. I long to feel loved. I long to be in love.
I want him to feel like he's the best thing wearing pants (as the pastor says). I guess I have to venerate and cherish his ego and quirks. I have to show him respect. I have to forget his past and turn his heart back to mine. Because mine's stuck and his is lost. I just want him. All of him.
Anyway, I want to make this a happier place. But, it's hard when I'm not a happier person. School will be starting soon. That could either help or hurt. I hope to God it helps. I'm growing up, now it's your turn.
1 Thought |
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fallenfaces
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2005 12 August :: 1.58pm
:: Music: Elliott Smith - Say Yes
The morning after.
I just want to be happy.
Just make me happy.
Is it that fucking hard?
I hate being stuck here.
I can't wait to be 18 and live.
I'm in love with the world through the eyes of a girl
who's still around the morning after.
We broke up a month ago and I grew up, I didn't know
I'd be around the morning after.
Elliott Smith - Say Yes
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fallenfaces
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2005 2 August :: 4.42pm
:: Music: Death Cab for Cutie - Lightness
I was reading my old journal and there was part of an entry I liked..
"I described the moments I think are most important. I said something along the lines of.. The moments people forget are the ones that last seconds but seem like hours when you look back on them. The times when everything seems right, and you can't stop smiling. The times you don't even know what you're feeling, you just know it's good. The moments that you don't want to stop. The feeling you get, that you wish could last a life time, but goes away in minutes. The way you want to feel all the time.
I said so much more, I can't remember the words.
And Lisa answered with, "You just described so many times for me."
And I said, "And the next day everyone forgot, didn't they?"
She nodded.
I also remember getting to the end of Lisa's driveway, before we started down the road. I felt dead. I was walking, and part of the driveway dissapeared. Like Kate said, "There's a part of your driveway where I can't see anything." I felt dead. I wasn't thinking about anything, there was nothing on my mind, and as soon as I realized that, it went away. And the thoughts appeared.
I remember climbing into bed around 4:30 am, after my shower. Kate was sleeping. Lisa was laying on the wooden floor in the corner, sleeping. Benton Falls was playing. The computer glow was lighting their faces so I turned it off."
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fallenfaces
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2005 1 August :: 11.33am
:: Music: Fleetwood Mac - Monday Morning
I don't want to try to convince you to feel anything or a certain way anymore.
I want you to feel that way all on your own.
I don't know why I can't just forget. I want to more than anything. Dwelling does nothing, but I just can't stop thinking.
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fallenfaces
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2005 29 July :: 6.57am
Do you see me staring at the ceiling?
I can't shake that image.
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fallenfaces
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2005 25 July :: 3.57pm
:: Music: Bob Dylan - It Ain't Me Babe
Born Again.
I just started my life.
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fallenfaces
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2005 20 July :: 3.30pm
My mom threw all the flowers away that he has given me in the past.
I really wish she hadn't. That made it more final.
I know she's only trying to help though.
I'm not mad at her, I'm mad that they ever had a reason to be thrown away.
My family has been great with trying to help me.
But, nothing works.
Next test: If he actually shows up or blows me off.. again!
2 Thoughts |
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fallenfaces
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2005 19 July :: 7.09am
:: Music: Switchfoot - You
"From the day I saw you. You were always there."
This will change the rest of my life.
And here I sit .. clueless.
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fallenfaces
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2005 20 June :: 11.58am
:: Music: Death Cab for Cutie - Title and Registration
These past two days killed me.
I'm not too proud to say I am a terrible person. I'm a sarcastic bitch. I'm mean. I make fun of too much shit. I'm immature, selfish, rude. I'm everything you don't need. I need help.
Please just love me anyway.
I want to scream.
There's no blame for how our love did slowly fade
And now that it's gone it's like it wasn't there at all
And here i rest where disappointment and regret collide
Lying awake at night (up all night)
When i'm lying awake at night.
Death Cab
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fallenfaces
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2005 17 June :: 12.35pm
:: Music: Eisley
To my friend. My only friend.
I love you.
6 months tomorrow. :)
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fallenfaces
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2005 3 June :: 12.24pm
Having memories is good, even if they're bad.
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fallenfaces
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2005 2 June :: 12.02pm
:: Music: Elvis Presely - Hard Headed Woman
This song is awesome.
Yesterday was a good day.
It was a tough, tiring day. But rewarding.
I told him, and it felt good.
Today will be nice as well.
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fallenfaces
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2005 1 June :: 5.58am
:: Music: Elvis Presley - Don't Be Cruel
I loathe you. I hate who you've become. You're everything I never wanted to be. You're a terrible person. You know exactly what you're thinking, but you won't say it. You can't just make someone feel better with honest words. For being such an "honest" person, you sure do lie a lot.
That's to myself.
I want to change, I try.. so hard.
I can't, because I'm weak.
I don't deserve you.
If you fall, I'm afraid I'll be too late to catch you.
I don't want a pity party, these entries are for myself.
I hate you.
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fallenfaces
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2005 31 May :: 7.08pm
I need you so bad right now.
I don't even know why.
You know I can be found,
Sitting home all alone.
If you can't come around,
at least please telephone!
Don't be cruel to a heart that's true.
Baby, if I made you mad
for something I might have said
please, let's forget the past
the future looks bright ahead.
Don't be cruel to a heart that's true.
I don't want no other love,
Baby it's just you I'm thinking of.
Don't stop thinking of me.
Don't make me feel this way.
Come on over here and love me,
you know what I want you to say.
Don't be cruel to a heart that's true.
Why should we be apart?
I really love you Baby, cross my heart.
Let's walk up to the preacher
and let us say, "I do."
Then you'll know you'll have me,
and I'll know that I'll have you.
Don't be cruel to a heart that's true.
I don't want no other love,
Baby it's just you I'm thinking of.
Elvis Presley - Don't Be Cruel
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fallenfaces
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2005 30 May :: 6.59pm
:: Music: Eisley - Golly Sandra
I'm trying to make some use out of this journal.
Lately I've been kind've crazy.
My emotions are all over.
I don't know what it is.
But, I know I'm in good hands. And I'm at a good point in my life. Things aren't bad. Nothing is as bad as it seems to be when I think about it. The little things just get me down. The little things confuse me. The little things fog up my mind.
But, I need you. Every second I'm without you, you're still in my thoughts. I wait for a phone call to hear you're out of work early. I'd wait an hour to see you for one minute.
Every relationship has problems and fights. If a couple doesn't fight, you're not a real couple. You're a fake. You can't angree on everything, so don't you fucking dare tell me something you have no idea about. The point is, is that I'm like every other teen in the world. Stupid.
I wouldn't know what I have until it was gone.
Then I'd realize I'm nothing without you.
You sat there and you told me that you want something back.
You have it back.
You never lost it.
I just didn't know it. I do now.
I'm too weak to say it to your face. To let it fall off the tip of my tongue. To say it first. To cure your shattering heart. To whisper in your waiting ear. To kiss your thirsty lips. To touch your worried bones.
Please know and learn this.
Anyway, two more days and I am a senior. I went to graduation. It was nice to go. I can't say it was nice to see my friends graduate because well.. I don't really have the friends I used to have. I don't want to say how many people I actually count as true friends because if I said only one you'd know who it is...
I'm growing up, I just wish I'd do it faster.
I've lost so much this year.
Yet, I've found a lot too.
I'm so worried about everything.
Mosty about what hasn't happened, but could.
Every entry is the same. Who am I even writing to?
You, only you.
Dear did you know that people love each other, just like we do? Just like they do.
Dear did you know you're all I ask for? So hold on to me, hold on with me here and there are things that follow this quietly to the pass. We've seen all those faces, we won't go looking for trouble. The rain, it tumbled down
through the cracks in the sky which made your hands grow, watch your hands grow. And we still see through their plainshifted laughs, we'll hold the hands of sinners and then we will pass.
Eisley - Just Like We Do
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