silentcriez
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2005 3 January :: 11.18pm
my 3rd update of the day..
i dont know what the hell is wrong with me... im nothing but nice to people.. i would give everything i had to someone just to feel appreciated, and cared about. why dont people realize that i would give up everything i am just for their happiness.. just so i could be the one that they care about.. just once i wanna feel the way everybody else does.. i just wanna feel like someone cares about me.
i cant sleep theres way too much on my mind and everytime i start to think about it, i just start to cry and i feel the tingle of teardrops start to burst from my eyes.. endlessly like summer rain falling on a dry, dead land.. my cheek, empty, pale and cold...
im sorry that im empty.. im sorry that im too full, im sorry that im useless and broken and im sorry that i want so bad to love and be loved in return?
no
not even to love, just to care..
no
not even to care, just to have fun with someone who wants to have fun with me..
to be appreciated..cared about, thought about, saught after.. somebody that somebody remembers...
i just wanna be somebody to anybody...
but i know things dont change..
::I::Saw::Red::
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silentcriez
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2005 3 January :: 8.06pm
BlckTangldHrt35x: do u ever feel like you hate everything
BlckTangldHrt35x: like nothings right..
Pimpin In 1869: sure
Pimpin In 1869: im all fucked up i know mad shit
BlckTangldHrt35x: im fucking crazy
Pimpin In 1869: not as crazy as me
BlckTangldHrt35x: dana you dont know what goes on in my head
BlckTangldHrt35x: and how bad i feel more than half the time
BlckTangldHrt35x: nor would anyone want to
Pimpin In 1869: you dont know what goes one o my head
BlckTangldHrt35x: but the thing is
BlckTangldHrt35x: id like to understand what goes on in your head
BlckTangldHrt35x: nobody wants to figure me out
BlckTangldHrt35x: or understand what goes on in mine
I see you're leaving me
and taking up with the enemy
The cold comfort of the in between
A little less than a human being
A little less than a happy high
A little less than a suicide
The only things that you really tried
This is not my life
It's just a fond farewell to a friend
It's not what I'm like
It's just a fond farewell to a friend
Who couldn't get things right
what is it you see through your brown eyes
that isnt there when you stare back at mine
shes nothing in the scheme of things
id break her if i tried, for all the tears you made me cry
and the lies you made lie, and i never asked you why
but why must we divide, this time we spend
i thought it was on me you depend
but im broken in two
i geuss i needed you
(chorus)
theres a void in my heart
and losers everywhere
a nip to the air
as you run your fingers through her hair
ive got nowhere to go
and i know soon ill be walking alone
but you wont see me going nowhere fast
looking at the world in a shade of black and whites
i know you didnt mean those words i know you didnt mean to fight
ugh i cant finish this
- more later
being in love
being in love with someone who is not in love with
you, you understand my predicament.
being in love with you, who are not
in love with me, you understand my dilemma.
being in love with your being in love
with me, which you are not, you understand
the difficulty. being in love with your
being, you can well imagine how hard it is.
being in love with your being you,
no matter you are not your being in
love with me, you can appreciate and pity
being in love with you. being in love
with someone who is not in love, you know
all about being in love with someone who is not
in love with you, which is
being in love, which you know only too well,
love, being in love with being in love.
-marvin bell
August
this is one way to say it.
the girl left, you left.
and this is another.
last year in august i hung
my head between my knees, looked up
and flirted with the atmosphere
but you were here
and the sky had no gravity.
now love falls from me,
like walls of an empty city.
my symptom
is the earths
constant rotation
eveything i say about desire or
hunger is only lip service
in the face of it.
still there were days i know
your mouth gave that last taste of blue.
-esta spalding
"you said, there are women
i know whose presence
changes the quality of the air...
...i am not one of those"
lightness
it was your lightness that drew me,
the lightness of your talk and your laughter,
the lightness of your cheek in my hands
your sweet gentle modest lightness;
and it is the lightness of your kiss
that is starving my mouth,
and the lightness of your embrace
that will let me go adrift.
- meg bateman
1 ::More::Secret::Lovers::That::I::Shot::Dead:: |
::I::Saw::Red::
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xonixieox
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2005 3 January :: 1.40pm
:: Mood: amused
:: Music: none
in ms navarros!
Survey..
Best _____ of the year:
- party: new years eve baby
- show: one tree hill
- new show: summerland
- Comeback show: ?!?!?!?
- Reality Show: highschool reunion.. i guess.. mabye
- TV moment: who knows..
- cd: Eminem: ENCORE
- song: when the sun gos down~ kenny chesney
- remix: dunno
- movie:cinderella story.. its so cute
- videogame: wouldnt know
- experience: hmmmmm..
- concert: kiss concert 04' with janet and erika!
- book: uggg :/ lol
- month: october
- day: i dunno
Worst ____ of the year:
- party:Kimmi's cuz me and christina had to go home
- show: im not sure
- new show: i dunno.. hard questions
- Comeback show: ?
- Reality Show: BMOC
- TV moment: ????
- cd: hillary duff
- song: i dont listen to bad songs
- remix: ?!?!??!
- month: january
- day: august 1, 2004 RIP Gene i love you :(
Hopes for 2005:
- predict something that you think will happen in 2005?: not sure
- what do you hope changes about your country?: prices of things lol
- what do you hope for yourself?: to loose weight.. i dunno
- what do you hope for your family?: maybe to fucking get along
During 2004:
1. where were you when it began?: Christina's house
2. did you stay up?: obviously
3. what was your new year wish?:dont remember
4. how many boy/girlfriends?: ohh god im not sure..
5. broke up?: ummm?
6. have any crushes?: hehhe yes
7. care to mention names?: no thank you
8. new friends?:Virginia.. me and brittany got close again baNg 4 life baby
9. had to say goodbye?: dont make me cry.. yea i had to say goodbye
10. missed anyone?: Gene
11. win anything?: dont think so
12. best place you went to?: bahamas
13. worst place you went to?: a wake
14. happiest moment?: all the baNg sleepovers hahhhahhahhaha
15. how was your birthday?: good i had a sweet 16 that was awesome! got lotsa present!!
i felt like donig this becasue i found it somewhere.. lol ya so im in ms navarros and im bored sooo...
well thats all for now
-Nik
4 ::More::Secret::Lovers::That::I::Shot::Dead:: |
::I::Saw::Red::
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silentcriez
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2005 3 January :: 6.52am
im sitting here updating my journal at 7:00 im such a weirdo lol
well... its a new year and with that comes new changes, new events, new people, new me. my resolutions this year are to be nicer to people ive been a dick to..and to get in shape.. hummm any others? to do well in my competition :-)
i just hope things wont change as drastically as they have in the past year.. goodbye 04' you were well spent and well remembered..
<3 amanda
2 ::More::Secret::Lovers::That::I::Shot::Dead:: |
::I::Saw::Red::
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xonixieox
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2005 2 January :: 11.55am
:: Mood: calm
:: Music: big star x kenny chesney
vacation
vacation was amazing... even though i didnt have a very good christmas, and there were alot of fights between me and my family.. this has been the best winter break by far! wow it has been about baNg! i love you girls.. lol and partying with the boys! im happy that everything is slowly coming together again ! M5B!!!!!!! yay! im so excited.
we're going back to school tomorrow and i have decided that im going to start over.. im actually going to try in my classes.. i have detention on the 4th but w/e.. im even going to try to get on honor roll.. this is my new years resolution.. to do good in school and to actually try!
i dont want to go to schhol tomorrow becasue this vacation was amazing but theres nothing i can really do about that.. i cant wait till summer.. even though i have a job and im fully commited to that this summer is going to be amazing.. im gunna make it the best!
ok thats my wisdom for the day
-Nik
::I::Saw::Red::
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silentcriez
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2005 1 January :: 3.02pm
its officially a new year... damn this ones coem and gone so quickly its scarey how different things are and how much theyre changing
thistles was funnnnnnnn ill write more about it later
im at lizzys and i need to go home and shower haha ill update later
2 ::More::Secret::Lovers::That::I::Shot::Dead:: |
::I::Saw::Red::
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xonixieox
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2005 1 January :: 6.40am
:: Mood: cranky
:: Music: too early for music
2005
wow new years was pretty fun.. well the begining was.. so let me see.. it was me amanda gini kevin dj cam bill anthony and chris.
ya so it was suprising and pretty fucking interesting! ya so then they drank but wouldnt let us girls drink so that was kinda gay!(even though we drank a little anyways) lol then we all came upstairs and watched the ball drop on the fuzzy tv that barley works lol.. that was fun.. then my mom made all the boys go downstairs and the girls stay upstairs .. so then we all went to bed and now we're here in the morning feeling quite lovely lol
ok so now amanda just left.. and me and gini are trying to convince the boys to bring us to bickfords! yay!
-Nik
::I::Saw::Red::
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xonixieox
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2004 31 December :: 8.21am
:: Mood: bored
homewrecker x gretchen wilson
well i had a doctors appointment yesterday and got put onto prozac instead of zoloft :/ whatever as long as im happy i dont care what medicine im on.. anyways.. i was thinking.. anyone who is depressed just put on cmt or 99.5 or vh1 country.. guarenteed to put a smile on your face.. i think thats bang are like the only people at NHS who listen to country music .. with the exception of Katie and Dj! lol
ya so its new years eve and hopefully baNg is coming here.. but i hope my brother is having a party so that alcohol will maybe be involved lol! hahahahhahah im so funny.. hahaha i wish that i had kodak on here but w/e if ya'all wanna see my pictures go to..
picturessss!!! click!!
ok thats all for today..
Remember when___________________?
(fill it in)
comment now bitches ! lol
-Nik
::I::Saw::Red::
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silentcriez
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2004 30 December :: 5.06pm
Don't stray
Don't ever go away
I should be much to smart for this
You know it gets the better
Of me sometimes
When you and I collide
I fall into an ocean of you
Pull me out in time
Don't let me drown
Let me down
I say its all because of you and here I go
Losing my control
I'm practising your name
So I can say it to your face it doesn't seem right
To look you in the eye
And let all the things you mean to me
Come tumbling out my mouth indeed its time
Tell you why
I say its infinately true
Say you'll stay
Don't come and go
Like you do
Sway my way
Yeah I need to know
All about you
And there's no cure
And no way to be sure
Why everythings turned inside out
Instilling so much doubt
It makes me so tired
I feel so uninspired
My head is battling with my heart
My logic has been torn apart
And now
It all turns sour
Come sweeten
Every afternoon
Say you'll stay
Don't come and go
Like you do
Sway my way
Yeah I need to know
All about you
Say you'll stay
Don't come and go
Like you do
Sway my way
Yeah I need to know
All about you
Its all because of you
Its all because of you
::I::Saw::Red::
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xonixieox
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2004 29 December :: 7.38pm
:: Mood: cheerful
:: Music: dont be rediculous x shania twain
do it!!
well i was reading peoples journals i came across a cute little thing..
so..
in honor of emme...
remember when_______________________?
(fill in the blanks)
ya so amanda and gini are sleeping over right now so im gunna go but i just thoght that that was wicked cute and i wanted everyone to comment to it and stuff!
-Nik
3 ::More::Secret::Lovers::That::I::Shot::Dead:: |
::I::Saw::Red::
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silentcriez
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2004 28 December :: 12.10pm
in the heat of the night, im playing our song
while hitting the resin you left in the bong
im so lonely now, as i smoke you away
were so distant now, as im driven insane
you coat my lungs with a venomous tar
like a cancer to the heart you kill from afar
your holding me back, im blocking you too
your smoking me black, and im broken in two
(chorus)
devilish, deviant is the look in your eye
burning deep into me as your waving goodbye
suck the life right out of me, ill be fine
everytime..
in the dark of the room, im playing our song
while hitting the resin you left in the bong
like the organ at a funeral you eat me away
booming with anger, and fury and rage
peircing my skin, with the bite of a leech
take me down and bury me deep
show me another one of your new tricks
and slip me some more toxin, i need a fix
(chorus)
in the heat of the night, im playing our song
while hitting the resin you left in the bong
im so lonely now, as i smoke you away
were so distant now, as im driven insane
bite through the flesh bleed out my veins
youve corrupted my mind, and spoon fed me pain
im distant and hollow at the mercy of you
you bite and you practice your wickid voodoo
suck the life right out of me, im telling you i will be fine
everytime..
::I::Saw::Red::
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xonixieox
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2004 27 December :: 6.16pm
:: Mood: gloomy
:: Music: its 5 oclock somewhere x alan jackson and jimmy buffet
blah ass day
well last night i slept over Gini's house w/ julie.. lol we had a ton of fun.. we pansed julie and she just stood there for like 10 mins.. hilarious let me tell you! lol.. then we went ot practice and good thing i went becasue coach needed my help!
ya so then me and Gini went to the mall and met britt and amanda there!! BAnGin' at the mall lol! ya so then gini's mom wouldnt let her sleep over.. she never lets her do anything here.. its always at her house or nowhere.. its kinda gay.. and she always lectures virginia about gay ass shit that is irrelevent to her life.. honestly she needs to let virginia live her fucking life.. that girl gets leff freedom than fucking people in lockup and shit.. its really fucked up..
ya so now im sitting at home by myself.. and my parents are gay so im petty lonely! ya thats all.. not like anyones gunna read it..
comment please!
-Nik
1 ::More::Secret::Lovers::That::I::Shot::Dead:: |
::I::Saw::Red::
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xoxchubbyxox
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2004 27 December :: 12.32pm
:: Music: ...
...
well christmas is over already. its liek you wait for it for a month anbd then it passes by like nothing. idk lol. i got lots of presents and money...it was an awesome christams but it made me miss natick alot too. it feels so different from what i imagined back 5 months ago...its sad thinking about it, so i dont. ill never have what i had there, and what remain are only memories. i guess im better than i was when i first started out, and im glad for that. ive lost so many more friends and people than ive gained...and i dont know how to deal with that.
the few friendships i have held on to have faded so much with the distance. and the feelings i once had have been lost forever. but it was all inevitable, i knew it but i refused to accept it.
please comment.
-darien
3 ::More::Secret::Lovers::That::I::Shot::Dead:: |
::I::Saw::Red::
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Cocopuff
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2004 26 December :: 10.24am
:: Mood: cold
:: Music: Matchbox 20- "3 am"
Merry Christmas
Wow!! Christmas has already come and gone... its weird becasue it doent even feel like december.. this year has flown by, but so much has changed...
i didnt get much for christmas under the tree but thats cuz i got my class ring and i went to St Martin with Manda.. but i got a few things.. including 300$ on scratch tickets and a 500$ pack of corvett stuff...
yea so its the day after christmas.. and what are manda and i goann do... duhh stuff are faces go get high and stuff are faces again... so bubye
~Lizzy
::I::Saw::Red::
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xonixieox
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2004 25 December :: 3.08pm
:: Mood: angry
wow its fucking christmas and my family still treats me like shit.. every single one of them.. Dj is the only one who is ever nice to me but hes not even here right now... at least when he gets home maybe he will take me to gini's or something! man.. what would i do without bang? i would be nowhere.. i would fucking kill myself if i didnt have them or julie.. those girls are my fucking life!!!
thats all
ohh and quotes for my aim so i dont loose them when i go to my computer
"A failing love is like desperately hanging on to something precious; not wanting to give up, but your hands feel the pain. And, when you finally let go, you're free from any pain, but your hands are empty."
x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x
"Not all scars show, not all wounds heal, somtimes you can't always see the pain someone feels."
x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x
a million words couldnt bring you back i know because i've tried, neither could a million tears i know because i've cried
x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x
"When it rains, look to the sky and think of the drops of water as tears from angels."
x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x
"Kissing you is like dancing in the rain; it is an exciting kind of sensation that you can't help but fall in love with."
x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x
anyone who thinks sunshine brings pure happieness has never danced in the rain
x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x
ok thats really all now!
*edit* ohh ya and im getting so pissed at people breaking plans and shit.. and being like oooohhh ya i cant do this.. i cant go here.. i forgot to tell you! grrr i hate when people change plans last min. or dont give an answer right away and then you get all excited and then the plans get ruined! that really pisses me off.. thats one of my pet peeves and now im just gunna not make plans with people becasue whats the point.. for like 3 days in a row they have been ruined or changed or some shit like that so w/e im done with that shit now! ok needed to get that out ! *edit*
-Nik
::I::Saw::Red::
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