silentcriez
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2005 26 May :: 6.34am
went for a cruise today and got lost lol in the pouring rain and ended up in medfeild lol!
then went out for kaitlins birthday to a great thai restaurant yum yum yum i cant believe shes 19!
it scarey to think about...
well i gtg finish getting ready for school.. ill write more later
::I::Saw::Red::
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silentcriez
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2005 25 May :: 1.07am
another fucked up late night..
and i wish you were here...
::I::Saw::Red::
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silentcriez
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2005 22 May :: 1.30pm
some poetry...
the walls come tumbling down
turn the world around
blackened clouds steal my day
theres people all around
but they dont make a sound
they assume it'll all just go away
but what is lost
may not be found
someday someone walking away
might not turn around
the sun may set but never rise again
but until then i walk alone
the earth moves in patterns around me
dancing stars they taunt my dreams
while tears pour down my face
like rushing water finally set free
too many people fall too fast
too many people sit and watch life pass
old memories are lost at sea
and you and me know how it feels..
----
there is this place inside me,
i cant reach it,
cant feel it, or even understand it
but its in my veins and its in my lungs
its all around
theres this place inside of me
its in the place you used to be
now im only hypnotized sitting wasted,
crystalized
deceitful ive been tempted to your trap
and in that place, i feel a crack
my certain spot begins to break
im on the earth, and my body quakes
i cant fix it, it cant be touched
come on and break me if you must
there is this fragile kind of entity
living here inside of me
it makes me cry it makes me smile
while breaking me down all the while
i keep my darkest secrets in
but it eats away me inside out
i want to pour it all out now
this place inside me is filled with times
slowly fading with the tide
but all ive ever known to do
is try so hard to hold on to you
should i swim here on my own
paddle crazy, never make it home
thie place inside me doesnt know
i couldnt even let it go
i feel it all come tumbling down
i feel the world that i surround
i take their pain and make it mine
i would do it for you all the time
but im filling up to the brim
its a game of sink or swim
if i cant win this fight alone
i better make my way back home
theres this place inside me
i cant reach it, cant feel it
i cant control it.
cant tame it, but i make it
and it controls me
it controls me silently..
---
the ocean screams its loudest cry
as the sun slowly starts to die
i feel the water splash my face
i wave goodbye to this old place
the fire nipping at my nose
the embers falling to my toes
im wishing all will come and go
but i know, were all alone
time is coming to an end
down below we must descend
the beauty of life has lost the touch
we need it all, its not enough
life around us falls appart
as we enter eternal dark
may light be found inside us all
may we feel no pain before we fall
kiss goodbye to the one you love
my heart beats louder so you can hear my voice
this isnt my fault, this wasnt my choice
the sky breaks down in shades of black
weve brought the greys and lost the blues
just like my mind in thoughts of you
negative chills drift down my spine
we reach the depths, the end of time
the end of all this worlds creation
the end of an unhappy nation
rock the boats with forceful rage
release thehumans from their cage
emancipate my love for you
id rather die than be untrue
ill scream my lungs out
ill kill the crying dove
id rip my heart out just for love
but all thats wasted til today
weve all been bad were on our way
fall into destruction, we wont leave a path
theres nothing out there, no reason to turn back
the erath trembles as it quickly starts to fade
goodbye to pain, goodbye to love
goodbye to all these wasted days..
::I::Saw::Red::
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silentcriez
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2005 21 May :: 12.55pm
"i know your wise beyond your years but do you ever get the fear..that your perfect verse is just a lie you tell yourself to help you get by?"
grrr i dont know i cant even grasp whats onb my mind but its heavy and its weighing me down.. ive gotta get it out.. somehow...
ah..
update later
::I::Saw::Red::
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silentcriez
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2005 20 May :: 6.27am
well i had a bad day...
but jimmi and dana came and picked me up and i was happy again..
i dont unserstand myself.. and i dont think i ever will..
how is it that i can understand everything and everyone but myself and my own problems?
ugh..
1 ::More::Secret::Lovers::That::I::Shot::Dead:: |
::I::Saw::Red::
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silentcriez
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2005 19 May :: 5.10pm
ive come to the conclusion that this is all my fault. i ruined everything for myslef.. i lost my friends i lost my best friend.. my emotions lie to me.. my brain thinks things up and i begin to believe them.. im crazy and ive ruined eveyrhitng i had a chance at.. i lost everything..
pSyChOpAtHiC366: get ur fuckin shyt 2getha
pSyChOpAtHiC366: u wonder why every1z bailin on u
pSyChOpAtHiC366: itz cuz ur not amanda maltz nemore
pSyChOpAtHiC366: ur not the easy goin girl i knew
pSyChOpAtHiC366: ur diffrent
pSyChOpAtHiC366: so dun sit there n ask urself why ur loosin thys person or that person
pSyChOpAtHiC366: itz cuz allz u do now is complain
pSyChOpAtHiC366: but b4
pSyChOpAtHiC366: b4 u helped the kids that complained
pSyChOpAtHiC366: u were like what i am now
pSyChOpAtHiC366: uve changed
pSyChOpAtHiC366: dun sit there wit the dumbfounded expression on ur face "why did every1 leave"
pSyChOpAtHiC366: cuz u drove them the fuck away
i dont know how to help myself.. i dont know where to turn to.. i dont know how to vent.. i dont know how to control my emotions.. i dont know what i have... i dont know.. i dont know...
im stupid..
im stupid...
im stupid..
::I::Saw::Red::
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Cocopuff
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2005 17 May :: 9.42pm
::I::Saw::Red::
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silentcriez
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2005 15 May :: 5.02pm
so yesterday i was bored all day until around 10.. i had a sucky hang over and felt shitty all day.. and then dana came over and we got high and chilled n watched tv.. haha we fell asleep and my dad woke us up at like 3.. oh gosh.. haha
well today has been borring but its been good to relax.. im really excited about my story its gonna be so good <3 thank you brendan
hmm well i dont really know what there is to say haha
update later
::I::Saw::Red::
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silentcriez
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2005 14 May :: 3.02pm
the beginning to my new story
The welts are finally going down, and I can begin to see again. I look around and I see a small lamp dangling from the ceiling. They locked me in the closet this time. Better choice then the dark musty basement, I guess. Ill just sit and wait for them to open the door and drag me out to clean or help their lazy asses. I’m sick of living in this shithole town, i’m sick of Louisiana, and i’m sick of me.
All at once the door swung open hitting my face on an already tender bruise. "Get up you dirty little tramp. Next time I ask you to get me a drink you will wont you?"
"Yes" I replied reluctantly. Since when was it okay to treat a 16 year old this way? I thought to myself.
"Yeah that’s right, now get out of my house, go see your damn senile grandfather or your little druggie friends nobody wants you here" I walked out of the house and wandered aimlessly for a while. I know any normal girl would be in tears at this point, but it’s nothing new. I’m used to it all; i’m used to being nothing.
I finally reached the center of town where I saw Traci and Zim on the train tracks smoking a butt. Thank god I thought to myself, am I in need for one of those. As I approached them they handed me an already lit cigarette.. Damn do they know me well. "What the hell happened to you" asked Zim.
"She hit me again, knocked me out. But I don’t want to talk about it"
"Cady you really need to talk to people about these things, it helps you know." Traci paused after she saw an annoyed look creep onto my face. "I mean its okay to cry once in a while"
"What’s that song again?" I asked sarcastically.
Zim and Traci broke out into song "big girls don’t cry"
I don’t know how but we manage to turn the darkest of skies into paintings of turquoise oceans with sunlight reflecting off of each radiant bead. I mean sometimes ill lay in bed just praying that I wouldn’t wake up in the morning. Wishing I could stay in my dreams. I mean it’s almost disgusting in a way to think that my dreams are more comforting than reality. I don’t know who I am. I don’t know what I want. And I sure as hell don’t know where I belong.
"Where are we going?" I asked inquisitively
"I don’t know maybe just down to the reservoir, we can get high there and just chill." replied Zim
"Maybe watch the stars?" I yelped
"Of course"
The world swirls around me when i’m starring up at the stars, it’s like everything I can’t have floats above me just waiting for me to grab it. Just waiting for me one day make it there.
“Someday you’ll have to get over your pride Cady. It’s not always gonna be this way, its not always gonna be this hard.” Traci explained. “I mean your almost 18 just imagine what kinds of things there are to see. What kinds of people there are to meet. It can’t stay this bad forever.”
“You’d never understand my life guys… far worse than anything I’ve ever told you.”
“I know but you won’t talk to us…”
“it doesn’t help to talk about it” I interrupted.
“whatever you say Cady..”
Zim rummaged through his pockets to retrieve the green substance known as pot. Mamma calls me a druggie but I’m not, and neither are my friends. Its just we smoke because of boredom, we smoke because of pain, we smoke because there’s nothing else in life that we give a damn about. It’s really all we have sometimes, and it’s always there. The sun slowly hid itself and the moon took its place. It was a small crescent moon which sat way up in the night sky dancing with the stars. We sat silently starring up at the sky while taking long, harsh hits from Zim’s perfectly rolled joint.
This was our normal routine, our parents didn’t care much about us so we’d spend most of our time wandering our small Louisiana town, and smoking pot to pass the time. It was the only thing that really ever got my mind off of the pain in my life, aside from visiting my grandpa. We all used to live together, things weren’t always so bad, then my grandmother died leaving my grandpa with shares, and trust funds. He moved out and bought his own house, so he now lives alone. My selfish parents refuse to visit him. And refuse to drive me, so I’ll walk miles across town and into the city to his house on the main strip in New Orleans.
A nip in the air forced us to our feet, so we made the journey back to our dysfunctional homes. I stepped in the door quietly; I wished that I would be unheard. My mother walked through the living room with a box in her hand. She had been looking through my room, rummaging though all of my things.
“I found your damn stash.” She screamed at me
“Mamma I don’t know what you’re talking about...”
“Don’t play dumb with me missy, who buys you these cigarettes, where do you get these drugs?”
“I uh...” I stuttered and was abruptly interrupted.
“I said where did you get these.”
Mamma starred at me with her vicious eyes, waiting to pounce on me. I could see it in her expression, that she wanted me dead. I had no explanation for her so I walked out of the room and slammed my bedroom door closed. I could hear her screaming obscene phrases at me, but I didn’t care. I felt safe in the comfort of my room. I laid on my bed starring at the ceiling for what seemed to be hours. I waited patiently for the house to quiet down and for the small morning hours to approach. I crept down the hall to the bathroom and reached into the cabinet to find my small shiny razor. I’d sit by myself and hold the razor in my hand praying for the courage to press down.
The morning sun quickly engulfed the sky and I took off before they had the chance to bother me. School was boring and full of dramatic teenagers with problems no bigger than a field mouse. I wander down the hallway of this ratty old school, the musty smell permeates in my nostrils and I am reminded it will all soon be over. I glance across the hall to see a few freshmen. It amazes me how I could have ever filled their shoes. As I've seen the many different “types” of kids flow through this school, they seem to get sluttier and sluttier as the years fly by. I remember walking into this school like I owned it. We all thought we were god’s gift, when we were rudely awoken.
We dressed how we wanted, and lived how we saw fit. You see, there were 4 major groups; Preps, stoners, straight edged weirdos, and just plain queer antisocial kids. I of course, fell into the pothead category. We listened to the music which altered America, smoked the best bud cheap, and were envied by all. I guess you could say people wanted to be us. But mostly they just wanted to live the life, not giving a fuck and feeling fine about it.
I continued to pace down the hallway keeping my focus on each ceramic square. I kept a slight grin on my face, as I looked at all of the people. I looked into their eyes and saw fear, pain and naivety. They were so young, and so unexpecting. They’d whine and cry over their new shoes not being in style, basically things that don’t matter in the long run.
I was just about to dose off in history when I heard my name called over the loud speaker. “Will Cadence Nardone please report to the front office at this time?” Without dispute I walked out of class and made my way to the office.
“Dammit another detention...” I mumbled under my breath as I approached the office. The secretary was on the phone with her boyfriend, I could hear they’re pointless conversation which kept me waiting. Finally she hung up the phone and attended to me.
“Mrs. St. Stephen is waiting to see you. I’m so sorry sweety… I’m so sorry.”
I couldn’t understand why she was apologizing to me, maybe just the fact that I was assigned yet another detention. That wasn’t the normal response she usually laughs in our faces, so I was confused. The heavy oak door of the principle’s office swung open and the equivalent to the devil stood in its opening. I stumbled in and sat in the leather chair placed before her desk. “I hate to have to break the news to you Cadence.” Mrs. St. Stephen spoke in a lulling voice. “Your grandfather has passed away. We didn’t have a home number to reach your parents so we decided to call you down personally.”
My world froze; the one thing in my life which I cared about was gone. He was ripped away from me and I wasn’t able to say goodbye. How would he ever be able to know I cared so much about him? He’ll never get to know that I looked up to him. He’ll never see me get married; drive a car, and none of the monumental moments in a teenagers life. “Alright well, will you be needing a pass back to class?”
“yes” I replied.
And that was that, she kicked me out of her office, and back into the whirlpool of hate in the world. I wasn’t about to go back to class so I paced the hallways finding Traci’s classroom. I waved in the window for her to leave, so she met me in the bathroom. We decided to ditch school and go down the reservoir and drink to get my mind off of death. We had a handle of vodka and some beers left hidden down there. Zim met us shortly after we set up our blanket and radio and began binge drinking. The last thing I remember was the music playing loudly… lyrics echoing in my head.
“I look inside myself and see my heart is black
I see my red door and its heading into black.
Maybe then I’ll fade away and not have to face the facts
Its not easy facing up when your whole world is black...”
The stars blurred together as I drifted into a sleeplike state. My eyes closed and I passed out with Zim and Traci at my side.
I woke up the next morning to the bitter reality that my grandpa was gone. I trudged home and through the door to find my mother and father seated at a table with a lawyer. “Oh sweety your home, the gentlemen is discussing something personal with us would you please go to your room?” spoke my mother in a fake tone. I headed to my room and pretended to go inside. I sat in the hallway listening to what they were saying.
“The will clearly states that the remaining funds go to Cadence, as well as the deeds to your father’s home in New Orleans.” Said the Lawyer in a sure voice.
“That can’t be possible, she’s a minor she can’t get those kinds of things.” Barked my mother
“That’s for you to debate on your own time, you can go to court and get the money transferred to you but that will take about a week. So until then it’s under her name.”
What was this? I was left his money and his house, my grandpa did love me. That night I packed up and decided to stay at his house. I took a box from under my bed and took with me some cash, a pair of clothes, a bottle of vodka, a pack of cigarettes and a piece of paper with the lawyers name on it. Walking to New Orleans never seemed to be such a short walk before tonight. I decided that in the morning I would go to see the lawyer about the money.
Wednesday was always my favorite day of the week. Half way to the weekend, half the way away from the weekend. Which ever way you looked at it, it was the same, but different. I liked the enigma attatched to it. I sauntered down the road ready to speak to the man who held my happiness in his hands. I approached a large brick building with large spinning doors, I charged through them and walked up to the secretary. She pointed me in the lawyers direction.
..... ill put it up when its finished..
2 ::More::Secret::Lovers::That::I::Shot::Dead:: |
::I::Saw::Red::
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Cocopuff
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2005 14 May :: 12.07pm
booo
::I::Saw::Red::
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silentcriez
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2005 12 May :: 11.15pm
so here i am again back where i was months ago and all of the progress i have made is nothing.. im alone and i have nobody.. nobody who cares about me im worthless and pointless and deserve no place on this earth all that i have is my pot and my poetry.. its the only thing thats always there for me.. i mean i know this is all stupid talk but even if it is stupid its how i feel and i cant lie about how i feel.. everything sucks EVERYTHING
the only people i really feel care about me are jimmi, dana, kelsey, steph and i dont know how sarah and anna feel about me ive prolly fucked up all that shit like i fuck up everything else.. i mean i know lizzy doesnt care i was easy enough to replace..
i dont see why im not some bad person who deserves this.. ive tried so hard to make sure that i wasnt mean to anyone who didnt deserve it.. why are ppl so heartless why does no one care about how i feel why.. why does it not matter.. why do i not matter why?
what the fuck is so terribly wrong with me
its all my fault huh everyones blaming all this shit on me like i did something wrong because i said what everyone was dying to say.. but whatever im the fucking bad guy..
::I::Saw::Red::
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silentcriez
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2005 11 May :: 9.18pm
:: Music: summer of love x jefferson airplane
The Summer Of Love was something special
We were so young and so free
The Summer Of Love that I was a part of
We had so many dreams
And even a few of them came true it seems
I still believe in all the music, whoa, and it's still playing
I still believe in all the words, yeah, I'm still saying
I still believe in all the people, ooh, they were really great
And I get to thinking back to where we all once were
The Summer Of Love had special people
Everybody was together so it seemed
The Summer Of Love had lots of changes going down
Looking back's like yesterday
And you can say it all was just a dream
I still remember all the good times
Boy, let me tell ya we sure had a lotta them
I still remember the world was changing all around us
Oh I feel like we could do it all again
The Summer Of Love was just the beginning
That's when the light started breaking through
The Summer Of Love is just a memory now
But even though those times are gone
The Spirit still goes on in me and you
I still believe in all the music, whoa, and it's still playing
I still believe in all the words, yeah, I'm still saying
I still believe in all the people, ooh, they were really great
And I get to thinking back to where we all once were
The Summer Of Love was something special
We were so young and so free
The Summer Of Love that I was a part of
We had so many dreams
And even a few of them came true it seems
Mmmm, that Summer of Love
Yeah, that Summer of Love
Sixty-seven was heaven
::I::Saw::Red::
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silentcriez
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2005 8 May :: 2.54pm
:: Music: the grateful dead x they love each other
im scared of change.. but im finally comforted in the fact that ill be remembered.. ::sigh::
today is the worst day ever.. ew mothers day..
my emotions are so eratic.. sometimes i feel like i have no control over them.. like i cant help but feel what i feel.. like get angry or sad.. i just cant control it.. and it scares me
i took care of jessy n sarahs kitties this weekend theyre so cute
TAURUS (April 20-May 20). A temporary setback does not deter you from your goal. Being stubborn is in your favor. A less determined person would have jumped ship from this project, but you have no intention of failing.
Merry run around
Sailing up and down
Looking for a shove in some direction
Got it from the top
It's nothing you can stop
Lord, you know they made a fine connection
Chorus
They love each other
Lord, you can see it's true
Lord, you can see it's true
Lord, you can see it's true
He could pass his time
Around some other line
But you know he chose this place beside her
Don't get in the way
There's nothing you can say
Nothing that you need to add or do
[chorus]
It's nothing, they explain
It's like a diesel train
Better not be there when it rolls over
And when that train rolls in
You won't know where it's been
You gotta try to see a little further
[chorus]
Though you'll make a noise
They just can't hear your voice
They're on a dizzy ride and you're cold sober
[chorus]
Hope you will believe what I say is true (note 1)
Everything I did, I heard it first from you
Heard your news report
You know you're falling short
Pretty soon won't trust you for the weather
When that ship comes in
You won't know where it's been
You got to try to see a little further
well im off to go play cinderella.. and clean more
--
new song..
the beauty in the breakdown
makes it all too hard to bear
there he is waiting
for you to take his hand
another woman wants his heart
doesnt know just where hes going
she knows where hes at
shes falling without knowing..
said "i wont be no slave"
shell lay down the line
said "ill get up and leave
all in good time"
so she sits and she waits
for the times to change
but the winds only bring
his true love back again..
(chorus)
and it aint she..
the one he needs
shes just a dime
he need to pass the time
he said "darling please
dont you wait for me
im not the man you need
i think you should leave.."
some would say
that she shoudlnt stay to play
but her hearts got other intentions
then her head..
common sense means nothing
when your hearts got something
to prove, to show something it wants to say
no she cant walk away
though hes pushing her towards the door
she looks at him so longingly
wishing that hed take her back
but what can you do
when youve given all you can
away to someone elses hand
and all you wanna do is feel her touch?
theyre aint much..
(chorus)
(bridge)
falling hard, aint a pretty game
shes a fallen angel without a name
beat and torn hes all shes looking for
shes got bruises up and down her heart
and shes dying every time theyre appart
but hes in the arms of the one he loves
babies blue eyes fill with tears
his heart is filled with love and cheers
the ones he missed while she was gone
its like old times when theyre touching
its like ecstacy when theyre loving
but you never see the storm
thats coming your way
his love is gone again
hes all alone and then
he tries to call her up
but she dont have the time
all the night he thought she was crying
she was out and she was trying
to get a boy like him for her own..
(chorus)
the moral of my story
is not to be in a hurry
when your playing with fire in your heart
the pain of destruction
vows as a reason, a caveat
to steer you from acting this way
so lovers dont be hasty
be careful what you say..
you might be turning the only one
for you.. away..
2 ::More::Secret::Lovers::That::I::Shot::Dead:: |
::I::Saw::Red::
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xonixieox
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2005 6 May :: 3.59pm
wow i havnt updated in so long.. well a bunch of shot has been going on lately.. but really nothing that i want the whole fucking world to know soo.. ya.. anyways uhhmm i got a myspcae lol :) and well i got my liscence and a job if i havnt written that in here yet. And im going to see house of wax with janet and Erika tonight.. ashley cant go becasue shes going to main.. im gunna miss her till tuesday :( lol ya and we might see TRaCiI and allison there becasue they're going too !! woot woot! lol im getting ready to be scared shitless.. Anyways janets working till 8 so until then im gunna be bored! uggggg!
ya thats all
<3333 NikkiE
this totally reminds me of myself!!!
or these cuter ones
2 ::More::Secret::Lovers::That::I::Shot::Dead:: |
::I::Saw::Red::
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