silentcriez
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2005 19 April :: 1.27pm
BlckTangldHrt35x: throughout our entire relationship, ive always felt.. less important than the guy who was in the room. because when theres a guy im invisble which i guess is selfish. but i know that i wouldnt do that. and if i ever have itd probably have happend with dana, and you never once told me it bothered you, as i have. i also told you that
BlckTangldHrt35x: i didnt want to be the cause of you having to change plans with cj or anything because id feel even worse making you plan around me. i just also didnt want to have to win the attention of my friend. you can look at it your way and think that im being selfish and have no right to be sad, but if thats what you think then i guess i really dont care anymore.. or you can look at it through my eyes and see that what im seeing.. see that i dont wanna be second best, see that maybe im jealous.. and see that maybe i dont want to have to be around two couples who cant keep their hands off eachother..
BlckTangldHrt35x: so maybe im jealous.. maybe thats wrong of me.. but maybe you could see that im depressed and it doesnt help.. it doesnt mean that you have to plan around me it just means that maybe once in a while you didnt have to be sucking face with cj in front of me is that too much to ask? is it? its not that i dont want you to be happy.. its just a thought of mine.. in order to be happy do you have to be sucking face every second? is that what happiness is to you?
::I::Saw::Red::
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xoxchubbyxox
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2005 18 April :: 6.44pm
:: Mood: blah
:: Music: if i aint got you ~ Alica Keys
blah...
i try to update as much as possible but i have nothing interesting to say.... :-/
im going to FL next week, which should be fun.
things are getting somewhat better as time passes here. i feel good about things in general with a few worries i guess.
everyday i still find myself missing all of the things i had. and i wonder will i have that again? in some senses i think i will but in others i guess i don't see it happening. id like to come close.
summers almost here...2 more months or so... i wanna visit you guys...itll be like last summer which now seems like yesterday. the year is going by so fast...i cant wait to see you guys soon...i miss you alot.
::I::Saw::Red::
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silentcriez
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2005 17 April :: 11.27pm
something fucked i wrote!!!! read!
Evils Last Breath
I had only known nick or Andrews, as his "followers" would call him, for about two weeks when it all happened. He aproached me at the corner of the local hangout, the cross between the intoxicated reality, and my own views. Groups of tainted youths congragated to bask in the beauty of marijuana. An escape, a release, maybe even to consume time. whatever the reason, in this town, there always was one. Andrews had been eyeing me out for the past couple of interactions. i could see it in his eyes that there was something he wanted, some sort of impure intentions. deep down i couldnt say i denied feeling the same, but there was something in the peirce of his stare that sent chills down my spine and an unsettling kurtle in my stomache. This instance was slightly different, i found myself entertained by his dangerous games. I liked the feeling of his warmth in the middle of winter. i liked the way he looked at me, the way i could feel his eyes trace my body, along my supple breasts, down to my navy blue flipflops, or black stillettos, whichever i had happened to have chosen that day. as the heat began to rise, and the smoke engulfed the room, i found myself intoxicated. My new toy was Nick Andrews, and i was the bait for his biggest scheme. In his black mustang, we sped like an arcade game down the winding streets of Berham, each turn hugging the curb. Our destination was an open house, i had been to parties before, but parties with my friends not ones that Nick brings his most recent bait to. i stepped into the stifled room and noted the sparatic beer kegs placed about the room. each persons eyes scanned the room like an airforce radar would an enemy. I had remembered seeing Amber, and Teri somewhere huttled near the doorway, sparking a joint. i wandered aimlessly through the house which was packed wall to wall. After smoking a few joints with them, Andrews came to carry me away, as if i was a princess. i scurried away with him, my toy, to the last vacant room in the house. we sat on the desheveled bed, which looked like it had been used recently. as he began to inch closer to me, a million thoughts spiraled through my head. his strong, captivating lips carressed my cheek, and his powerful hands slid down my pants, and into my silk black thong. Before either of us got riled up, i quickly reminded him to get a condom. he swore under his breath and left the room breifly, frantically searching for the antibaby material. He rentered the room with a condom in an electric green wrapper, and a red plastic cup filled with only god knows what. he handed me the cup and told me "Youll be in a whole new world any minute." my lips quivered as i chugged the mystery liquid. Andrews slowly pressed against me, so as to show me what i had done. i felt his hard cock against me, and once again a surge of thoughts were spewed. for a split second i happy, and wanted, thats when i began my ever increasingly fast downfall. my hearing was the first to be affected. the mumbling of the party which i had heard before was now gone, and i could no longer hear Nick's dirty fantasies being whispered into my ears. Next went my sight. the room began to swirl, i was distracted by the glow of Nicks cigarrette as he continued to rub my breasts, now so forcefully. as the room began to fade, i noticed a sudden demonic glow come about Nick. the kurtling feeling in the pitt of my stomache began, and i no longer felt i had control of my actions. I woke up and i was lying on a couch, in a dirty house, which reaked of beer. bodies were passed out on each square inch of the house. i stumbled across the dark room, still seeing double. i made my way carefully to the bathroon which enveloped the stench of puke. i hunched over the toilet and gagged, wanting to rid myself of what i had swallowed. i tried to remember if i had taken any pills, or drank anything too strong. suddenly i remembed Nick's distict words. "Youll be in a whole new world any minute.." The obvious sorce of this false insanity was in the red plastic cup Nick had coerced me into drinking. i felt around the wall to find the light switch. a dim buzzing light flickered on and i stared at myself in the mirror. what was i? i felt like a ghost, like a demon, empty of any emotions. my face was swirling in the mirror and i felt as if i wasnt alone. these drugs, whatever i had been given had surged some sort of uneasyness in me. i was jumpy, irritable and trembling due to my constant thought. i cornerd myself in the bathroom, locked the door, and flicked off the already dying light. rummeging through the cabinets, i violently threw pills, bandaids and soaps in a tornado in the room. i felt as if the walls were closing in on me. i noticed a shining slice of silver on the sink, it was a small shaving razor which had fallen loose when thrown in my fit of rage. i coudlnt tell whether it was the drugs, or the alcohol which caused my bouts of anger but i didnt know how to deal with it. i sat myself in the corner of the bathroom, and slowly dragged the blade across my flacid pale arm. Repeatidly i ripped away the skin on my wrist. the blood began to pour. i stared at what i hated in the mirror, what was used by Nick, what was niave and vulnerable enough to get drugged up. my arms began flailing as my nails gouged away at my pristine features. The blood was more unbearable than anyone could fathom, my sight now faded out again. the echoes of my thoughts were all the was heard. My body lay propped against a wall, drenched in blood. After sitting several hours lifelss, a drunken slut stumbled into the bathroom to find my body, mutilated and cold. Her blood kurtling scream awoke the rest of the house, with the exception of a few poisoned partyers. The stench of death permeated the house, and it was quickly evacuated. i hoverd above the room and watched as people cried with fear, and some even lauged with amusement. They couldnt do much else, they were under the influence. My body was suddenly lifted, Nick had carried me onto the porch. I watched as he prepped his car for a second ride in his mustang, only this time i would be riding in the trunk. At this point neighbors had notified the police about the screaming and underaged drinking. Cop sirens could be heard in the distance, which frightened Nick. As he sped up he failed to show any sign of incomposure. He seemed ready, he seemed experienced, which lead me to believe i wasnt his first. Nicks car absorbed each bump, and my flacid body was tossed around the trunk violently. as Nicks car strained up the hill he sighed with releif as he could see the bridge up ahead. just as he began to think he was in the clear, he spotted the blue flashing lights, creeping over the crest of the hill. Fear stricken Nick sped up, this car hit a patch of ice and nick and my dead body were thrown. The car veered to the right, and straight through the gaurdrails of the rickedy wooden bridge, chosen as the route of escape. Nicks car slowly sank to depths of the river, each window filling up fatally every second. the police screeched on their breaks and flew out of their cars, flashlights in hand. the beams of light hit Nicks fading face, and watched his last moments of life. His hearing was the first to go, the muffled screams of the police were the last he heard. Next was breath, and lastly his sight. Nicks guilty eyes saw the last of me, as we rotted slowly in the bottom of the river. Lights flashing, water rushing, the world spinning, he watched it all.. as it faded into the black of his heart.
1 ::More::Secret::Lovers::That::I::Shot::Dead:: |
::I::Saw::Red::
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silentcriez
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2005 14 April :: 11.32pm
and you know that i want ya
and you know that i need ya
is that any way to be?
just have your way with me..
ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
::I::Saw::Red::
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silentcriez
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2005 14 April :: 6.25am
my birthdays in 8 days!!! ahhhhh
so whats the plan for vacation? i wanna go down to the cape and partayyyyyyyyy
ahh i cant write right now
but i need what i wanted all along..
::I::Saw::Red::
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xonixieox
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2005 13 April :: 9.46pm
:: Mood: complacent
:: Music: american idol
lately..
lately i have been having a hard time.. i dont really want to talk about it.. but there seems to be noone else to tell.. i fell like the 2 people i thought i could tell anything to are the ones that are drifting away the quickest... :/
i dont really want to talk..
comment
1 ::More::Secret::Lovers::That::I::Shot::Dead:: |
::I::Saw::Red::
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xoxchubbyxox
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2005 13 April :: 6.36pm
:: Mood: bored
:: Music: almost: bowling for soup
im really that bored...
yeah....
The Generic Teenager Stereotype | Do you drink [alcohol]?: | not regularly | Do you party a lot? How often?: | lol yes i have so many friends to party with in merrimack lol | Do you use drugs for recreational purposes?: | nope | How often do you use the word like in an average hour?: | prolly around 20 | Do you skip classes? How often?: | no im a good kid | Do you have casual sex? Protected?: | not me lol | Do you steal?: | noo | Do you wear inappropriate clothing?: | i dont think so | Do you drool over celebrities?: | like physically drool? no lol | Do you watch a lot of TV?: | yes i do | Do you ever watch the News?: | when im wathcing for a snowday lol | Do you even care about world issues?: | some | Do you read books often?: | sometimes | Are you failing a lot of your classes?: | nope | Do you spend most of your time with your friends?: | i used to :( | Do you smoke cigarettes?: | nope | Do you hang out a lot in malls, or at Seven Elevens?: | i used to | Do you often find yourself with a crush on someone?: | i guess so | Do you cuss a lot?: | no...i think it makes you look ignorant and dying for attention or soemthing | Are you desperate to fit in?: | ...not really | Are you intelligent?: | at times | The Goth Stereotype | Black lipstick?: | oh everyday lol | Black eyeliner?: | yeah | Black eyeshadow?: | no | Black trenchcoat?: | no | Black boots?: | no | Black fishnets?: | no | Black nail polish?: | i have some | Cigarettes?: | lol no | Heavy metal music?: | nohpe | Marilyn Manson?: | lol wow im sucha loser no | Kittie?: | nope | Cradle of Filth?: | nope | Constant frown and perpetual angst?: | lol no? | Do you like to be seen as: | ?? | Are you an intellectual?: | not so much | An atheist?: | agnostic | Horrible home life?: | lol no | Hopelessly depressed?: | nope not me | Suffering with suicidal idealations?: | yeah no... | Self-mutilation?: | no | The Punk Stereotype | Plaid?: | lol no | Big black boots?: | no | Mohawk?: | not lately lol | Excessive piercings? [Especially facial]: | no | Loud, confident and opinionated?: | that i am | Wild hair colors?: | no | NOFX?: | no | Rancid?: | no | Well versed on political scandals and outrages?: | not many | A: | A to u too | The Jock Sterotype | What's your IQ?: | it was 142 in eighth grade | Do you watch a lot of sports?: | i hate wathcing em | Play a lot of sports?: | no im lazy | Talk a lot about sports?: | lol no | Do you do anything, really, but think about sports?: | i prefer sitting on my ass | Are you arrogant?: | whos gunna admit to that? | Are you a male or female whore?: | lol both..no... | Are you homophobic?: | no! | Do you tease other people a lot because you want to seem confident?: | noo | But really you're a quivering mass of insecurity?: | o yes ofcourse | Boobs = yes?: | YES! lol wtf? | Parties = yes?: | why not | Dropping out of high school and flipping burgers = yes?: | no | The Girl Stereotype | Do you spend a lot of time on your appearence?: | i guess on makeup...not too much tho | Have you ever been on a diet?: | sort of...i started running | How much did you lose?: | 5 pounds... | Was it not so much a diet as it was an eating disorder?: | no...i couldnt not eat | Make yourself throw up?: | ive done it before when i was sick | Make-up?: | yep | Low-cut tops?: | not many | How big are your boobies? [Cup size]: | full A small B (its sad) | Do you flip your hair when you talk, even if you don't realize it?: | i wouldnt know if i didnt realize it | Giggle a lot?: | i laugh...not giggle | What's the deal with boys?: | im not sure what the deal is lol | Thongs?: | no one wnats to see that on me | Pretty bras?: | sure | YM, Teen, Cosmo, et al?: | i like cosmo | Who's the weaker sex?: | hermaphrodites | Are you a feminist?: | not really lol | Do you think Brad Pitt is hot?: | yes i do | How often do you shave your legs?: | like every other day in the winter and everyday in the warmer seasons | How about your armpits?: | i have like 3 and ahalf hairs but i shave them | Are you emotional?: | noo | Especially when on your period?: | noo | This Or That [Oh, that old coconut.] | Originality or Acceptance?: | somewhere in between | Independence or Companionship?: | companionship i guess | Stability or Freedom?: | or those eveb opposites? | Personal or Interpersonal?: | i dont get it | Introvert or Extrovert?: | extrovert | Popularity or Isolation?: | in between | Unique or Loved?: | u can be unique and loved | Understood or Individual?: | both | You or Them?: | you? lol |
::I::Saw::Red::
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silentcriez
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2005 13 April :: 12.05am
i need your sex!
::I::Saw::Red::
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xonixieox
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2005 10 April :: 9.03pm
:: Music: hollerback girl x gwen stefani
wicked good weekend
well i had a really good weekend.. me trace, and jan were supposed ot sleep at ashleys last night, but she got in trouble so we slept over janets.. we decided to be the cool kids that we are and went to CHUCKIE CHEESE! woot woot.. lol erik met us there and we all played in the tubes until we got yelled at! lol it was hilarious.. then we just ate pizza and went back to janets.. we took soooo many random pictures.. nd we watched my FAVORITE lifetime movie! (odd girl out)
ya so anyways it was really really fun.. then today we went to papa ginos for lunch.. and then east school to play at the playground, because again. we're just that fucking cool.. ! lol
ya so anyways i have picutes at http://worldisround.com/home/xonixieox/index.html
XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX
Boy:
I remember every little thing
As if it happened only yesterday
Parking by the lake
And there was not another car in sight
And I never had a girl
Looking any better than you did
And all the kids at school
They were wishing they were me that night
And now our bodies are oh so close and tight
It never felt so good, it never felt so right
And we’re glowing like the metal on the edge of a
Knife
Glowing like the metal on the edge of a knife
C’mon! hold on tight!
C’mon! hold on tight!
Though it’s cold and lonely in the deep dark night
I can see paradise by the dashboard light
Girl:
Ain’t no doubt about it
We were doubly blessed
Cause we were barely seventeen
And we were barely dressed
Ain’t no doubt about it
Baby got to go and shout it
Ain’t no doubt about it
We were doubly blessed
Boy:
Cause we were barely seventeen
And we were barely dressed
Baby doncha hear my heart
You got it drowning out the radio
I’ve been waitin so long
For you to come along and have some fun
And I gotta let ya know
No you’re never gonna regret it
So open up your eyes I got a big surprise
It’ll feel all right
Well I wanna make your motor run
And now our bodies are oh so close and tight
It never felt so good, it never felt so right
And we’re glowing like the metal on the edge of a
Knife
Glowing like the metal on the edge of a knife
C’mon! hold on tight!
C’mon! hold on tight!
Though it’s cold and lonely in the deep dark night
I can see paradise by the dashboard light
Oh it’s cold and lonely in the deep dark night
Paradise by the dashboard light
You got to do what you can
And let mother nature do the rest
Ain’t no doubt about it
We were doubly blessed
Cause we were barely seventeen
And we were barely --
We’re gonna go all the way tonight
We’re gonna go all the way tonight’s the night
We’re gonna go all the way tonight
We’re gonna go all the way tonight’s the night
We’re gonna go all the way tonight
We’re gonna go all the way tonight’s the night
We’re gonna go all the way tonight
We’re gonna go all the way tonight’s the night
Radio broadcast:
Ok here we go, we got a real pressure cooker going
Here, two down, nobody on, no score, bottom of the ninth, there’s the wind-up,
And there it is, a line shot up the middle, look at him go. this boy can really
Fly! he’s rounding first and really turning it on now, he’s not letting up at
All, he’s gonna try for second; the ball is bobbled out in center, and here
Comes the throw, and what a throw! he’s gonna slide in head first, here he
Comes, he’s out! no, wait, safe - safe at second base, this kid really makes
Things happen out there. batter steps up to the plate here’s the pitch - he’s
Going, and what a jump he’s got, he’s trying for third, here’s the throw, its
In the dirt - safe at third! holy cow, stolen base! he’s taking a pretty big
Lead out there, almost daring him to try and pick him off. the pitcher glances
Over, winds up, and it bunted, bunted down the third base line, the suicide
Squeeze is on! here he comes, squeeze play, it’s gonna be close, here’s the
Throw, here’s th
E play at the plate, holy cow, I think he’s gonna make it!
Ii. let me sleep on it
Girl:
Stop right there!
I gotta know right now!
Before we go any further --!
Do you love me?
Will you love me forever?
Do you need me?
Will you never leave me?
Will you make me so happy for the rest of my life?
Will you take me away and will you make me your
Wife?
Do you love me?
Will you love me forever?
Do you need me?
Will you never leave me?
Will you make me so happy for the rest of my life?
Will you take me away and will you make me your
Wife?
I gotta know right now
Before we go any further
Do you love me !!!?
Will you love me forever !!!?
Boy:
Let me sleep on it
Baby, baby let me sleep on it
Let me sleep on it
I’ll give you an answer in the morning
Let me sleep on it
Baby, baby let me sleep on it
Let me sleep on it
I’ll give you an answer in the morning
Let me sleep on it
Baby, baby let me sleep on it
Let me sleep on it
I’ll give you an answer in the morning
Girl:
I gotta know right now!
Do you love me?
Will you love me forever?
Do you need me?
Will you never leave me?
Will you make me so happy for the rest of my life?
Will you take me away and will you make me your
Wife?
I gotta know right now!
Before we go any further
Do you love me?
Will you love me forever?
What’s it gonna be boy?
Come on
I can wait all night
What’s it gonna be boy yes or no?
What’s it gonna be boy yes or no?
Boy:
Let me sleep on it
Baby, baby let me sleep on it
Let me sleep on it
And I’ll give you an answer in the morning
L
Girl:
I gotta know right now!!!
Do you love me?
Boy:
Let me sleep on it!!
Girl:
Will you love me forever?
Boy:
Baby baby let me sleep on it
Girl:
Do you need me?
Will you never leave me?
Boy:
Let me sleep on it
Girl:
Will you make me so happy for the rest of my life?
Boy:
Let me sleep on it I’ll give you an answer in the morning!! morning!!!!
I’ll tell you in the morning!!!!!
Girl:
Will you take me away, will you make me your wife?
Girl:
I gotta know right now
Before we go any further
Do you love me?
Will you love me forever?
Boy:
Let me sleep on it
Girl:
Will you love me forever?
Boy:
Let me sleep on it
Girl:
Will you love me forever?
Iii. praying for the end of time
Boy:
I couldn’t take it any longer
Lord I was crazed
And when the feeling came upon me
Like a tidal wave
I started swearing to my God and on my mother’s
Grave
That I would love you to the end of time
I swore that I would love you to the end of time!
So now I’m praying for the end of time
To hurry up and arrive
Cause if I gotta spend another minute with you
I don’t think that I can really survive
I’ll never break my promise or forget my vow
But God only knows what I can do right now
I’m praying for the end of time
It’s all that I can do
Praying for the end of time, so I can end my time
With you!!!
Boy:
It was long ago and it was far away
And it was so much better than it is today
Girl:
It never felt so good
It never felt so right
And we were glowing like
A metal on the edge of a knife
::I::Saw::Red::
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xoxchubbyxox
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::
2005 10 April :: 10.40am
:: Mood: blank
:: Music: what you waiting for? gwne stefani
a survey...
havent done one of these things in a while :)
What is your name?: | darien | How old are you?: | 15 | When is your Birthday?: | 11/22/89 | What is your zodiac sign?: | sagittarius/ scorpio depending on the magazine | Where were you born?: | plymouth | Where do you live now?: | merrimack nh (sadly) | What color eyes do you have?: | light brownish | What color hair do you have?: | blonde | How tall are you?: | 5' 2" and ahalf...maybe? | How much do you weigh? (Be Honest Ladies): | im excusing myself form that question | What is your race?: | white | What is your worst fear?: | being driwned or burned alive or something...? | Do you smoke?: | nope... | Do you drink?: | not regularly | Do you cuss?: | on occasion | Do you use drugs?: | no | Have you ever or will you ever steal?: | idk! | Are you dependable and/or trustworthy?: | yes, if i like you | Do you play in a band or play an instrument?: | ohh no | Do you have any tattoos and/or piercings?: | just my ears but i plan on more | If you had a favorite serial killer who would it be?: | jack the ripper? idk wtf? | Do you suffer from depression disorder?: | not lately | If you had a choice about how you wanted to die what would it be?: | in my sleep...poisoned...i never really sat down and though about it lol | Have you ever tried to commit suicide?: | no... | Have you ever purposely caused harm to yourself or someone else?: | i guess so...if i know what u mean? | What subculture do you belong too?: | what? | Are you evil?: | whos gunna say yes? | Do you believe that you can be possesed?: | i hope not! | Are you a paranoid person?: | all the time | Do you ever get jealous of somebody else?: | everyday | Are you obsessive and/or compulsive?: | no | Are you a violent person?: | o so violent... | Do you take your anger out on other people?: | no...i dont get that angry | Do you blame other people for your mistakes?: | i try | What is your favorite game?: | scene it is purty fun | What is your favorite movie?: | the breakfast club | Who is your favorite band?: | i just dont know | What is your favorite song?: | colt 45 haha idk? | What kind of books and/or magazines do you read?: | cosmo... | What is your favorite color?: | red | What is your favorite food?: | i just cant decide | What is your favorite drink?: | diet pepsi or coke | Do you own a pari of converse?: | noo | Do you own a pair of dickies?: | noo | Would you ever kill yourself or someone else?: | someone else if i had to | Are you a virgin?: | why yes | Are you kinky?: | a kinky virgin? of course | Do you like biting?: | love it | Do you masturbate?: | as often as i can...wtf? | Do you watch pornography?: | snowwhite doe sthe seven dwarfs is my favorite | Have you ever dyed your hair an unusual color?: | never dyed my hair | Have you ever shaved your head in a socially unacceptable way?: | not recently | Are you hyper active person?: | noo | Are you religious?: | definitely not | Do you have any self inflicted scars?: | not that i know of | Does pain turn you on?: | most definitely | Do you stand for originality and creativity?: | do i stand for it...what? | Do you like meeting new people?: | i guess i have to | What do you like most about life?: | being alive...? | What do you dislike most about life?: | moving! | Do you believe in love at first fright?: | ... | Have you ever pierced a body part yourself?: | no | Have you ever had to beg for dinner money?: | oh yes | Do you own a car?: | not yet | Have you been to jail, yet?: | no | Are your clothes held together with safety pins?: | not really | Do you have actual scars from punk rock shows?: | not me | Have you ever vomit while making out?: | whatever ur in to | Have you held a job for less than a day?: | no | Do you own more than two pair of jeans?: | haha yes | Have you ever had to fuck stuff up for no good reason?: | i dont know what u mean | Have you ever been kicked out of your parents house?: | no | Have you ever been fired from your job because of your attitude?: | no | Does the world piss you off?: | im really not that angry |
About Me Personality Quiz brought to you by BZOINK!
::I::Saw::Red::
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silentcriez
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2005 10 April :: 10.27am
i need you right now.. i need you somehow..
i think i might be crazy.. i just never stop thinking ever... and i bet you all know what about.. but it just consumes me and i can put myself in the worst of moods..
lizzy and i are in a fight i guess.. i havent talked to her all weekend...
things are getting fucked up..
gr..
::I::Saw::Red::
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xonixieox
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2005 9 April :: 8.47am
:: Mood: cranky
:: Music: colt 45 x afroman
bad night last night
well lets see.. i went to the mall alst night with traci.. it was fun.. so basically my night was good until i got home at fucking 10:30 to find my Drunk ass family all sitting downstairs watching a movie. so i sit down with melissa and watch it too.. but then mellie starts to complain because shes tired, and im the one who gets yelled at for everything seriusly my family has some issues.. then my aunt like nik come here i want to talk to you.. now let me rmind you that shes drunk right.. and so im like no.. just watch the fucking movie.. then shes like are you on drugs.. are you high.. did you somoke pot.. are you on crack.. what the fuck is wrong with you.. so then im just getting pisses so im flip... shes the fucking one who is a CrAcK wHoRe! like no joke.. she has no right to say im on drugs.. wen by the way i was completely straight.. when shes a fucking grrrrrr.. im getting pissed just typing this.. ok so anyways after i flipped out my dad and his friend start yelling at me even more so i just got up and screamed really loud " this family is a fucking wate of my fucking time" .. you all know me.. i need the fucking last word.. like always.. lol.. then i slammed my door and called traci and went to bed.. ya it was a great night..
comment if you care
1 ::More::Secret::Lovers::That::I::Shot::Dead:: |
::I::Saw::Red::
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xoxchubbyxox
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2005 8 April :: 2.47pm
:: Mood: bored
:: Music: holla back girl: gwen stefani
blaaaah
well i havent updated in a while.
i have absolutely nothing to say
that is how completely boring my life is...:(
a comment is always nice :)
2 ::More::Secret::Lovers::That::I::Shot::Dead:: |
::I::Saw::Red::
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silentcriez
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2005 7 April :: 10.20am
im so sick of being lonely..
a scent attatched
to the whispering wind
hits me like brick
i feel it land on the tip of my nose
and trail into my memory
a quick glimpse of what used to be
now circulates in my veins
its a part of me
now as it trickles into my lungs
it is encapsulated by tar
by hate, by envy, and by grudge
the connections are now made fully
and i see what keeps these things memories
and not the present
its the pain of how it was
its the thought of giving up
my stubborn thoughts spew out this scent
rid myself of what resounded in my mind
although i may push it out of my thoughts
i cant deny the scent
attatched to the whispering wind..
---
i look in the mirror
and i dont even see myself
just a blurry image
left dusty on the shelf
abandoned beauty
torn to peices all alone
she lives in a pristine picture
a painting hanging on a wall
of a broken home
shes crying another glass
half empty again
pouring herself
another shot of gin
she wont stop hurting
until she smells his scent
you wont catch her smiling
until she aint by herself
(chorus)
all alone in a world
that teaches us not to feel
we alienate whose different
and blame the one whose real
we idolize the incomplete
we love the one thats fake
yet we walk right by the ones like you
the ones who suffer through their days..
she wants to kill
the one who put her here
she screams her unmuttable screams
for everyone to hear
she points the bloody gun
towards her picture perfect face
plunging silently
to her imperfect fate
a soul wont go to heaven today
it wont be free from pain
shell wait around, watching those she loves
be showered with salty rain
forever with the burden
of the guilt on her shoulders
to take a life, couldnt deal with strife
couldnt move lifes giant bolders
(chorus)
her acid tears trickle down my cheek
eroding the beauty that people see
they want to be what they cant have
they want to be something just like me
but irony strikes again
as im bleeding for you now
what people want to be in me
slowly starts to drown
envied lover dying in your hands
couldnt be what you wanted
couldnt be the perfect ten
couldnt smile like the sunrise
couldnt be your heaven sent
withered leaves in the month of may
pain that never goes away
it eats away your pale white skin
and burries itself deep within
(chorus)
almost made it,
i almost climed up in your heart
but almost doesnt mean a thing
almost doesnt even start
i see an silent movie
a vision of your face
along your guided cheekbones
with my fingers i trace
i want so bad to be with you
i want so bad not to cry
but i wont ever get better
unless i rewind goodbye
i look in the mirror
and i dont even see myself
just a blurry image
you left dusty on the shelf
When I came along
You see it's good for nothing, good for nothing
A close look at something
so close
you never stop needing
you never stop needing..
It's too much of not enough
When all we need is just a taste
I strapped myself in for a safe second ride
Before it started I tried to be anything I saw fit
And it all seemed to fit but you came undone
When I came along
Blind white lies and shallow truth
Broken strings and stolen youth
I've seen too much of not enough but
You came much closer than they had before
You never stop needing
And it's good for nothing
::I::Saw::Red::
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silentcriez
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2005 4 April :: 12.23pm
:: Mood: artistic
:: Music: annoying ppl talking in study hall
"Why not? Why would you wanna die?
Okay, you have feelings inside your head, okay
I understand that
Feelings lead to depression
When you have depression, you have a lonely void inside of your heart
Okay? And your heart means everything to the world
Okay?"
evrything falls down just as i suspected.. i dont know what to do i dont know what to say i dont know whose "side" to be on obviously lizzys my best friend and shes dumb for doing this i told her that from the beginning, and obviously gonchas my friend and shes taking this a little too far too.. like it has come to yelling in the lunchroom.. i hated the fact that my friend was getting yelled at but what scared me was that i agreed with what goncha was saying.. she said "you were supposed to be my friend" and its right.. lizzy was supposed to be gonchas friend, she was supposed to care about her.. she was supposed to stay away from her boyfriend, i mean i know theres no written law, or any commitment between them. ive always just figured that ex boyfriends were always off limits.. cuz there will always be emotions attatched you know?
i cant stop thinking about everything and i cant stop thinking about him.. i hate it.. i hate how im stupid.. i hate how i got myself into this, and i hate how i dont want to lose it.. i want sex, i want kisses, i want a friend.. but i just dont want it to be over.. or different.. or non existant.. cuz i dont know what i would do if i completely lost him.. im so, changed?
i think i should start telling people how i feel.. i really havent.. hum but i wonder, if i did would i lose my gift of writing? would i not be able to write so deeply if i didnt keep everything so deeply hiden inside of me, only to be exspresed through words never spoken? i confuse myself all the time and i just dont think i can handle all of this.. not now.. ick.. im so disgustsed by myself and by the actions of others..
i dont know where im at anymore..
my life is like a broken bone
growing back from being unsewn
its lose and jaded and complicated
but i still need you around
i cant think anymore
i cant breath anymore
im hanging on the verge of insanity
am i really alive?
am i living in a dream
i guess ill never know
this world is so crazy
i feel i should just let go
i dont know what i think
i dont know what i know
you know that i love you
you know that i care
but its all nothing to you
im always just there
its useless to want
its painful to need
it kills me to look at you
off your kiss i feed
but you wont touch mine anymore
you wont love me like i do
because im useless
and naive
you dont love me
you dont love me
im alone
and you dont love me..
::I::Saw::Red::
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