suicide is painless.
lately i've been wishin i had one desire
something that would make me never want another
something that would make it so that nothing mattered
all would be clear then.


My eyes burn. Ashley does not talk to me. She lays in my arms and cries. She's worse than me. I know things i've done wrong when i see someone else doing them. She won't answer me at all. She doesn't say a word. She doesn't respond to my questions. It's like she does not hear a word i say. I finally love her and she makes me regret getting this close. She is suddenly not spending as much time with me, being meaner, and all kinda shit. Of course this didn't happen until i decided that i REALLY cared about her. I should've known it was coming and now it's too late. It's just...i don't know. On top of that...i am finally starting to get to the point where i'm trying to deal with losing Rene. I never did. The day we broke up...i just went and hung out with Ashley; we kissed like three hours into my singleness. She kissed me. Ah...i can't type this out.

don't say goodbye, don't break tonight.
Moorland CD is done. I'm listening to it. Makes me proud. I hear we're pretty good.

I wish i had something else.Still got that void in my life. Wish i knew what the hell i could do to fill that bitch.

/done/

call me a safe bet...i'm betting i'm not...
not sure if tour is happening. it could i guess. but it's not 100% sure now. i guess our purevolume site is up but not working for some reason. I'm hoping the tour still goes down. i need it. we need it. i need to be out of this town. out of this state.

um...i guess i'm off to the beach now with Ashley and stuff...

bye...

great escape.
started working on a song about a week ago at the beach. To no surprise...it's about a girl. I continued work on it last night. There's a girls name in the title who surprisingly has nothing to do with the song. It's named after an old pirate ship. Meh.

Two or three weeks and i could have a car. I dunno though, it doesnt ever happen...why would this time be any different? I guess times the only thing that can tell.

I surprisingly want school to start back up. The summer is just not as fun anymore. It's good times and all...but i quickly came to the realization that it's not really me. I'm "happy" or whatever...it's ignorance really in all honesty. Trying to replace something that i know i can't...nevermind. I've still got alot of summer left. I wish Moorland would practice though. We never do anymore. It's discouraging. Things will work out though. We just finished recording our EP. Tour excites and scares me. But yeah...once school starts i know i'll be REALLY busy with that, but maybe i'll be able to have a scheduled/organized life at somewhat. To like...where i can know what day of the week it is. Plus it'll give me something to do and it's senior year. After that is college. I really think i'm going to Western. If i don't get accepted...whatever.I'll just go to MCC or Baker or something for a year or two and transfer there.I got a lot of school left. I think i might be staying in Michgan too. Like...i think this is home. I want to travel alot...but this is home. I want it to be the future now. Hence the keeping as busy as i can.

"i've become what i'd always hated...when i was with you then"

i never wanted.
Girls are so fucking lame sometimes. I hate sounding like an emo kid or whatever. They just are so freaking lame sometimes. I wish that Rene had enough time for me or whatever right now. She's such an awesome girl. The one girl that i want alot of time with i don't get it. Ashley can be cool...VERY cool...but she can get really freaking moody sometimes for no reason. Cathy...ah...i hate Matt i love Matt i hate matt i love matt...it gets really fucking old with them two. I just don't even want to fucking go on about this because it pisses me off how DUMB this is. It's nothing and i'm just fucking complaining...that must be all i fucking know how to do. God damn it.

FUCK YOU.

i just want a minute of your time.
so the summer is now in session. Thus far...all couple days of it have been really fun. For the most part. Some drama caused in a large part by alcohol. Other than that i've been having quite a bit of fun. I love the beach and regret not having spent more time there in past summers. Frisbee...yeah. I had this song in my head to write yesterday while there and i forgot it by the time i got home. It sucks...it was really good. Then it was just gone. That's not good. Lake Harbor last night. I think Rene was there at the same time but again...no seeing or talking to her because i'm just a bad boyfriend. I hate it. Grr...

No school to talk about anymore other than i got pretty good grades. Not as good as they should be...but i passed all my classes.

I think i'll be getting my car soon too because some stuff happened with the conservator and now i dunno...there's a good chance it will happen. Not what i had previously wanted...but i think i'll just need a little "whatever" car for now. I don't really care. I just need to get around. So lets hope that ball gets rolling.

I miss Rene unfairly. I miss Linsey too. I seem to be the only one affected by this. I could be wrong...but i have no real way to know. Oh well...there's really not much that can be done about it for now. I can just miss them and hope that times go back to being spent with them.

I'm gonna go find something to do now.

I find a need to be the demon
Geez...been feeling a little lonely for some reason lately. I am constantly around people and everything. I dunno...i really don't know what it is i don't think. Who knows...

Hung out with Sami tonight. I've never had a girl be so shy about talking to me and stuff. She's a pretty cool girl though. She likes me. She knows i'm all taken and stuff so that's good.She's just being really cool. It's good to meet someone who respects relationships like that. She's just being a cool friend. Good. It's goodness.

Obviously i've been hanging out with Ashley alot. I don't want to talk about that because...i just don't want to. Things are getting said that isn't true and really...it's just not anyone's buisness. At least not the people who are trying to get involved. As easy as it would be right now for me to just develop a crush and just try to convince myself it's something more...i'm not. I kinda wish you could help who you fall in love with...but ah...i don't want to get into all that shit right now.

I'm just gonna go.