could be my last entry? hope not.
So a few things have happened lately i guess that i just don't know what to do about. I guess i'll start with the most serious one...

I told my dad to never call me again until he was ready to start acting like a father and being a man of his word. He seems to honestly think that it's because of his car. Yeah...that was the last straw...but that's not what it is at all. It's for the past 17 years. He gives me his word, i believe him, and he breaks it. I have yet to find a single person to love who DOESN'T do that. But my dad is really the route of it. My mom gives more of an attempt. I love my parents...i really do...they're just not the best parents in the world. Half the time my mom treats me like an acquaintance. My dad says things a dad should say and treats me like a son...he just can't follow through with any of it. I don't expect it all...i just think that he should at least try. He lies. That's the only part of it he does. He SAY'S he'll do things...he's a letdown as far as the follow through.

I've been hanging out with only friends alot lately. No Rene. No old friends. I mainly hang out with Ashley. I've seen her almost everyday this week. I also hang out with Cathy,Matt, and Josh alot more. Anyways...what i'm getting at is that these people really make me feel content. At times far beyond content. Josh and I seriously...i dunno...he's awesome. Really. So is Matt. Matt and I have always kinda had this connection that seems very natural. Cathy is Cathy. That's it. She's still my Cathy. There's not other way i really know how to explain that.

Moorland has a show today. Tonight, really. We're recording tomorrow. Then begins the constant practice. Then the mini-tours. Then the tour. There will be alot more than that....but those are the plans. I'm sure we'll record some higher quality stuff before the tour as well as getting all kinda merch and stuff. Cupid Stunts is still going through...though the only show i know we have is August 7th. And it's at a party. We plan on recording too. But i just can't see this being the band i could go anywhere with anymore. It's not the same. I'm also being part of a Jazz quartet and all that kinda stuff. Which, is promising for a good time... but Moorland is highest priority.

Oh yeah...i traded in my Squier Strat. I got a Magnum acoustic. It's a no name brand but it sounds pretty good. Good enough for me. I should still be getting my strat sometime soon. Not soon enough...but soon. Then i think i'm gonna trade my amp in somewhere and get a smaller amp...hopefully tube.

I've written enough for now i think. I do still have alot more to say due to the things in life right now...but i just really don't have the time or know how. I'll just save it for another day.

sick of a lack of trust.
when i was in the 8th grade Cyndie and I were at her aunt donna's house. We were in this room...i don't remember who's room it was but she kept hitting me and then kissing it to make it better. She did that and then finally hit me in the mouth. That was my first kiss. We kissed alot that night.

The next girl i kissed was Jaime. I had a girlfriend at the time. I hung out with her all day before that and then i dropped her off at her grandmas and hugged her goodbye then i was like "wait..." and grabbed her and kissed her. We ended up dating for two weeks eventually...only kissing a few more times.

Somewhere around the same time i was still hanging out with Cyndie. We were in her room in the basement and she told me i should be nice to her. I asked her how nice. And she said "nicer". And then "very nice". And then i asked her if i should be "this nice" and then kissed her. She was very shocked. We ended up dating again...

Serra eventually moved back to Grand Haven. That was something that i never thought would happen. Candace and I had talked alot about her and i had a crush on her before i met her. Serra and I dated for awhile and one night we hung out with Candace at her house. To say goodbye we hugged and then i kissed her neck and somehow our mouths just ended up pressed together. I left and just walked past Candace without a hug or realizing it. I felt bad about that part. Serra and i ended up staying together for just about 1 year and 9 months.

during that year and nine months i meant to Rene...

When Serra broke up with me...i was in bad shape and Rene wasn't even completely THERE for me...she was in a sense...but not actually here. While we talked i wanted to kiss her. I always had a thing for her...and tried not to. I didn't want to believe for a second that i never really truly loved Serra. But Rene completely proved me wrong. I guess people are right and LOVE WINS. I tried to fight it as much as a bad idea as that may have been. It's still winning though. Anyways...Rene came back home and we laying on her couch as we had gotten in the habit of doing. Then she said "okay lets just kiss"...sounds forced when i say it...but it felt more like at the time an i waited long enough.

That's all the girls i've ever kissed. That's it. I don't regret one, i don't feel dumb that that is all at all either. That is the fucking truth. I am sick of all the issues in my life surrounding love and relationships as far as truth and trust. It's fucking stupid and i never want to have to worry about it again. Ever. I know i will. No matter what the outcome of whatever is happening with Rene and I. I know that the feelings i have for Rene are something i've already tried not to have. More than anyone knows. They are here.



you've watched all my dreams come apart at the seams.

xoxox

corey

don't you feed me lies about some idealistic future
maybe im that person you want to feel nothing for.


so last night was a bonfire at my place and Josh stayed the night. Throughout the night Cathy, Matt, Brett, Janelle, Josh, Ashley, Sarah, and Johanna all showed up. Though Brett, Johanna, and Sarah didn't show up until after the fire was dead. It was a good time...really.

Today was Moorland stuff. Good stuff. Planning out the tour more. Looks like mid into late august...then i'll get back and go to connecticut for a few days and then school will be started...senior year. Wow.

Well...i'm starting to think and to feel...so that's how i know it's bed time.

kill me now before i kill myself.
so i went to Pops tonight. I made it this year. and i got to see Rene...and i was amazed. She tends to do that. She's so beautiful i don't stand a chance with her...i swear to god. she's so far above me it's ridiculous. i don't know...Pops was really good. There are some really talented people at that school.

I walked home though. I looked for Rene afterwards and i couldn't find her. Then i tried to call my dad because he said he'd be there...and he wasn't...so i was left...i waited til everyone was gone though...i was looking for someone to give me a ride.no luck...so i walked to 7 11 and called my dad again and he finally answered. Yeah...i think he knows i'm kinda pissed...

Moorland is awesome. Really. We record sunday...

I'm gonna go for now...i've got alot to say though.

i love you rene...really...

especially exhaling.
i wrote this thing last night. i think i might post it in a seperate private post. I just really don't know how i feel about people knowing exactly how i feel anymore. I'm feeling a bit too weak to accept any letdown. I don't know why. It'll be better soon. I feel like it's a psychological cold. Like...my emotions are just temporarily a little hindered. I'll be okay. I'm not really depressed or anything. I've had the feeling to cut again a couple times just today/last night. It's not even out of depression. And i hate when people try to place the blame of any cutter cutting on themeselves. Those are the people who REALLY don't understand it. YOU NEVER CUT BECAUSE OF SOMEONE ELSE. It's all you. Cutting is an act of vanity. Self Centered. It's a matter of self satisfaction. Some people do it for control (i know because that tends to be a big reason for me), some do it for the scars (again...i do that too sometimes), some do it for the pain,some do it for the beauty, some do just do it out of pure ignorance, some do it because other people do it. I just hate some people sometimes. Not all the time. But i do just hate sometimes. It's not healthy.

Prom was last night. Though i think my date set the new record for least amount of time spent with her date throughout the night, at least of couples, i managed to have a good time. Again, band mates come to the rescue. Darby, Pat, and Matt were there. Justin as well but he's just a cool kid. It was a beautiful prom. I just really wish my date would've been more of my date throughout the night i guess, no big deal though. Really. Plus it's in the past so why worry now? Fuck the past . It'll kill ya. I did see a couple other cool people though such as Andrea, her and i danced i think more than Rene and I did. No slow dances though.

I get to feeling sometimes and i get the feeling, that...

good people.
so i'm talking to johanna and ashley right now. i hung out with Ashley tonight. Along with Lori and Janelle. They're a few awesome people. Ashley is exceptionally sweet. She's becoming one of my favorite peoples.

My hair is short again and Prom is tomorrow. I finally saw Rene and we hung out this past Thursday. I love being able to see her in person. She's so lovely. I wish i knew...i dunno. I just wish i knew i guess.

Speaking of i wish i knew...College is starting to make me wonder. I don't even really wanna get into that when it's just me thinking about it to be honest. I'd love to imagine it's all based on what i want and everything but that's so not true. Damn it. Damn it damn it damn it.

i'm tired damn it.

murder what matters to you then move on to your neighbors and kids.
So here i sit. Yup. Just sitting and thinking. I keep seeing things. Still weird. They're never scary...i just don't like seeing things that arent there. It can be...it can make me feel a little off balance.

I've been talking to my friend Ashely alot lately. She's a very positive thing in my life. Very good friend. She's a sweetheart and her motives are out there in the open. She's just nice to me and a good person who i have a lot in common with. She's a vegan though...so that's a shame. I think i'm hanging out with her like...Friday. And maybe tonight. I'm gonna see if she wants to at least. She gets her lisence today and she has her car...it's a red mustang.That's awesome. I talk to Johanna more often now too. Not ALOT...but yeah...like...once every couple days or so. She's a sweet girl. Who else...hmmm...i don't talk to many other new people that i can think of...if any. Losing friends kinda makes you talk to more people i think...i mean...Chris and Katie moved and they were two of my best friends...Jordon and Scott don't talk to me anymore...Rene and I don't hang out much anymore at all...but really the only ones i've LOST lost are Jordon and Scott. Which does bother me alot. But what bothers me most is that nothing can really be done about it and i don't feel that i did anything wrong...oh well. That's all i can really say...ob la di ob li da...life goes on.I've had more time to spend with guys...and i like that. Mainly the guys i'm in bands with though(i.e. Matt,Jaime, Anthony, Darby, and Pat). Josh too. Josh is very much an awesome kid. Cathy i hang out alot with too. And Lins when she can. Two of the cooler girls as i've thought for a long while now.

Moorland is recording this weekend. I'm FINALLY in a band that is doing something. Two actually. Just Moorland has more...something. I don't know what it is. It seems more sure of what it is.

I need to lose weight...i need to better myself.That's just the truth. I've become an increasingly unattractive person...

Musically though...i guess i'm getting better and more confident with all of that. I need to go practice actually. My motivation for practice lately? Pretty much everything. Still an escape...still feels good...now i want to be better...i want to...impress...that's the truth...i want to be good...i want...i just love music.

I don't write in this in the same way as much anymore.I still have more to say...i just don't want to say it right now in this way. I don't even want to think about it...

ignore your problems.

learning to sing...better
i've been teaching myself to sing now. I don't know really if i'm doing it right. I mean...it can't be too wrong really i suppose. I was doing it wrong at first yesterday but i'm fixin' any problems i encounter. Wish me luck with the singing thing.

MEAP today. Damn the MEAP...it's the Science part i think. That shouldn't be too hard.

I think i might have practice today, if not i think i might hang out with Cathy and maybe see if her mizom will chop the too long of hairs off of my head. Then tomorrow or wednesday i think i'm gonna hang out with like maybe Matt and Lins and Justin and stuff..not sure who will all be involved with those shenanigans. Then Wednesday maybe hang out with Ashley or Lins or something else. Then Thursday...prolly end up with Moorland practice or something. Friday i'm not sure about. Saturday is Prom though. So that's those plans. Then in 8 days it's my birthday. I will be 17. That's a little strange...but not really too strange i suppose. My mom gets all sad or whatever when i mention that kinda stuff. She doesn't want her baby boy to grow up. I think i'm the one she's afraid will succeed. She doesn't think i'm gonna even stay in Michigan. I guess deep down she has faith in me...she just chooses not to show it. I dunno...i don't think she goes about it right. I wish my parents were more traditional sometimes. Just a little more traditional though.

Self Centered stuff has been periodically getting glued together. Secret projects make me happy a little. I just found some old lyrics yesterday and disposed of many of them.

Well...it's time for me to get ready to go.

xoxo