:boogiefever:
Rm62587: but yea... I'm giving up Dustin

I didn't expect that to overall feel good.It's not just that.I really feel like...we grew tonight.Like...we talked about things and it helped.I'm gonna...

yeah...

this girl.

nothing is helping.
I don't fucking understand this.Nothing is working.Nothing is helping.I can always handle this.I guess i haven't really tried the whole music thing...and this Rene singing thing is helping a little bit.Other than the enhanced fact of me not deserving her.Whatever.I don't even want to hear or say that anymore...and i sure as fuck don't want to feel it.I guess it's time to go beat on the drums and smash the shit out of my guitar...sometimes i wonder what the fuck i'd do if i didn't have my music.It's like the perfect girl...only it's name isn't Rene.If it wasn't for my fucking being completely in love with her i could just leave.I didn't even get my chance after Serra...because though it killed me...Rene was ready.She didn't make it better...and don't get me wrong i'm still not 100% over Serra...but Rene was there to keep me going.She's my best friend.Speaking of best friends....

I see Ann tomorrow.We sing.I'm not really as nervous as i am embarassed.I know i'm not too good.But that's okay...Rene said i'm good at guitar.She's smart.So that's sweet of her to compliment me on.But being me, i of course, think that she's just being nicer to me now because she know's that i'm really sad lately.That's prolly it anyways.

Gotta go though...phone calls to make.

the difference.
i write in this thing so much lately.I have so much i don't want to say out loud or directly to anyone.Dustin is online and i want to say something to him.I want to tell him to quit talking to my girlfriend until the day he's not in love with her.It just kills me to know they're talking and i'm just going to keep on doing like i have been when i don't know for sure...which is that i'm just going to keep assuming the worst.

I'm making myself be distant from Rene.It's on purpose.I am too fucking scared to let myself get too involved now.I love her.I want to be with her.I just don't want to lose her and at this point i can't convince myself that that isn't going to happen.I'm trying to savor every moment i'm with her but not become used to having her like this.I'm pretty much slowly reaching hopeless...

I am honestly afraid of Rene's feelings.She is so amazing...

On to a less deep subject...kinda.

Sex life=non exsistant.I feel like Rene thinks that anything that involves me not wearing pants will lead to sex.That doesn't make sense because i'm not ready for sex.The last time we did anything...she just stopped.Then on Vday we started to do...yeah...and stopped and nothing happened.I,however, have done things to her multiple times.I hate sounding like this...but whatever i guess.Lins and I talked about how sex is part of a relationship and all aspects of a relationship should be 50/50 so i'm just gonna have it be that.It makes sense really.I dunno...i'm too tired for all these fucking emotions...

Cleaned.
So i just cleaned the effin' kitchen.Today i just might go see Rene's little band concert...prolly not.I think i'm gonna go to my dad's instead.I need to earn cash so...yeah.Dad's i think it is.But after that i'll play with Rene.She calms the emoness in a way.In a way it can also make it worse though...probably more than before.I don't want to go in her room...i know that.I kinda want her to just keep doing like she's been doing and keeping everytime that she sees Dustin or talks to him...just to not tell me.It's just gonna worry the hell out of me knowing that he feels like that about her and they're still talking and everything. Just...makes me worried.My feelings aren't changing...they're just settling in.I dunno...it's weird to think this.

Sarah told me the other night that i was lucky to have Rene.In a way i agree...but i don't like to think of being with someone as "luck".My luck could run out any day and i wonder myself if i'm trying to sabotage myself having this.I know i'm afraid...but i'm getting better.I don't want to be without her...i know that.

Yesterday Rene and I went to Russ' like one of the old couples...i want to be one of the old couples someday.I don't care how...i just would like to keep this girl in my life forever.

"you say that alot don't you corey?"

yeah...felt this before?

Nope.

Thought i did?

Yup.

Lost it?

God damn right...

Tear me apart inside?

Pretty much.


Got a best friend?

Her name's Rene...



Weird...

:i said said said it out loud...but what do i know?:
I just don't know what to do with myself...really.I'm doing nothing but trying to hurt...i swear.I tell people over and over that i know what i want in life...but i've got so much growing up that i really don't know.I want to know...but i have a strange feeling that's gonna change.Like...what i want right now is to end up staying with Rene,going to college for...a long time...for psychology and creative writing and living in GH.The second way that things could go down is not that unrealistic but so...not the person i am right now.I'd end up somewhere along the east coast i'm sure.Music.Really...what else would i REALLY need.I keep feeling like i'm losing something behind my back.I'm just hoping that that something behind my back isn't a knife waiting to be driven in.I am afraid of that so much.I'm such a paranoid little fuck.

I think i do need just a little walk around...sounds like a plan.Roosevelt Park...here i come.

:too sensitive:
I feel stupid/insuperior and i hate that feeling.Sometimes people say the wrong things at the wrong times.It can seriously ruin a good mood.I suck...

On The subject of success:

I will have little if any.bleh...

walk anyone?
better than the nails or candle wax or any of that crap...

i'm sorry.it's not your fault.

yeah i'm not that dumb.
i feel like the wool is over my eyes.like...the attempt has been made to just make it so i can't see what's going on...i know the truth...i'm not that dumb.

And i know the majority of the time i won't/don't get my way...i won't/don't have people to turn to and i know that i'm not trying to place blame for that...i just know that's how i feel because that's how it is.

I THINK that i understand though...it's pretty much fine...

Glossul...

I can't expect Ann and Brandon to be as dedicated as i am.I shouldn't expect that...i don't know why i ever did.They do love it...they do have at least somewhat dedication...just not as much as me.They've got lives to live.They've got more than the band.

My friends...

They've got their own lives. They've got their relationships and other friends,jobs,school....it's pretty selfish of me to expect them to always have time to hang out with me.Even my best friend. I get all frustrated because i always think i'll have time with just her...and that's so scarcely the case.I do get it occasionally...it's just generally on a time limit...like " 2 hours after work" or "An hour before class"...that kinda thing. It's nice...it's just not like...i don't know.

Glossul feels like it has a future when it's all together.When we're playing or something...outside of that...there's not much there.Alot feels the same...

I dunno...i think i'm done writing for now...

see ya.

yeah i'm not that dumb.
i feel like the wool is over my eyes.like...the attempt has been made to just make it so i can't see what's going on...i know the truth...i'm not that dumb.

And i know the majority of the time i won't/don't get my way...i won't/don't have people to turn to and i know that i'm not trying to place blame for that...i just know that's how i feel because that's how it is.

I THINK that i understand though...it's pretty much fine...

Glossul...

I can't expect Ann and Brandon to be as dedicated as i am.I shouldn't expect that...i don't know why i ever did.They do love it...they do have at least somewhat dedication...just not as much as me.They've got lives to live.They've got more than the band.

My friends...

They've got their own lives. They've got their relationships and other friends,jobs,school....it's pretty selfish of me to expect them to always have time to hang out with me.Even my best friend. I get all frustrated because i always think i'll have time with just her...and that's so scarcely the case.I do get it occasionally...it's just generally on a time limit...like " 2 hours after work" or "An hour before class"...that kinda thing. It's nice...it's just not like...i don't know.

Glossul feels like it has a future when it's all together.When we're playing or something...outside of that...there's not much there.Alot feels the same...

I dunno...i think i'm done writing for now...

see ya.

after the release...
i fucking hate myself.Honestly.In every aspect of my life...i make myself sick.

I'm the worst boyfriend in the world...or at least among them.

I'm physically unreasonably unappealing...sexually,casually...just in general really.

I can't say anything i need/want to.

I can't control my own life.There is one thing in life that i could control...a couple i guess.

I want control in my life.I'm not a control freak...but i want to control my life to an extent.

Cutting myself...i could control that.Losing weight...i could control that.

I hate this.I could not get myself to talk to Rene tonight.I never have that problem.I could not do it no matter how hard i tried...i had so much to say.I don't know what i was waiting for and i don't know what the hell my problem was...but now i can write it in here no problem.She doesn't get me yet and she handles that wrong in my opinion...but i'm sure it's my fault.Honest...i'm so ignorant sometimes...i can't take myself.Not often do i get like this...but today i feel like i'd be doing the world a favor by not being a part of my life anymore.I feel like everyones obligation.Like, some kind of chore.Like...obliged to hang out with me...obliged to talk to me...obliged to...love me.

I'm done with this for now...

after the release...
i fucking hate myself.Honestly.In every aspect of my life...i make myself sick.

I'm the worst boyfriend in the world...or at least among them.

I'm physically unreasonably unappealing...sexually,casually...just in general really.

I can't say anything i need/want to.

I can't control my own life.There is one thing in life that i could control...a couple i guess.

I want control in my life.I'm not a control freak...but i want to control my life to an extent.

Cutting myself...i could control that.Losing weight...i could control that.

I hate this.I could not get myself to talk to Rene tonight.I never have that problem.I could not do it no matter how hard i tried...i had so much to say.I don't know what i was waiting for and i don't know what the hell my problem was...but now i can write it in here no problem.She doesn't get me yet and she handles that wrong in my opinion...but i'm sure it's my fault.Honest...i'm so ignorant sometimes...i can't take myself.Not often do i get like this...but today i feel like i'd be doing the world a favor by not being a part of my life anymore.I feel like everyones obligation.Like, some kind of chore.Like...obliged to hang out with me...obliged to talk to me...obliged to...love me.

I'm done with this for now...

Blah...
how's that for a broad statement? that's life right now...