Wondering how i could get so deep...and you could still get sleep...
So this song made me think of my lady.We were in my room tonight and i heard it and had to hear it again.About the 100th time i had heard it but this time i felt it...

"She Paints Me Blue"

Tonight I watch the lights go out in your house
Wondering how I could get so deep
And you can still get to sleep
In vain I blame my trembling on the cold air
And I can't hide that I relied on you
Like yellow does on blue

And your my good feeling, I'm kneeling
Inside her room she paints me blue
And you are my reason for breathing
Inside her room she paints me blue

Atlanta started raining on me
And teenage love was underground
Tonight I break the surface
Atlanta started raining on me

And no young girl was claiming me
And naming me
And destiny gets nervous and

And your my good feeling, I'm kneeling
Inside her room she paints me blue
And you are my reason for breathing
Inside her room she paints me blue, again

And your my good feeling, I'm kneeling
Inside her room she paints me blue
And you are my reason for breathing
Inside her room she paints me blue, again

Atlanta started raining on me
on me
Atlanta started raining on me
on me

Andrew never ceases to amaze me.I swear me and this guy share a heart and a mind.

Friday night.
So the thing about Friday nights spent at home.You get your mind so set on finding something to do that you can eventually just do nothing productive.I say this because this is currently my case.I have things to do.Really...I do.Like...clean my room...do homework...shower...write...read...practice.But i'm so set on not just sitting here that i'm not doing any of it.

Perhaps i'll start a band called The Shaded Raisin.

Thirsty...i damn well know that.

I can't find a college...i can't find a car.

My friends confuse me.I had a long talk with Annie today.She's been taking/snorting pain pills and smoking alot of pot.We talked alot.That girl...i don't know.Why is it that with her and Brandon and my mom...when they do that kind of thing...i don't get pissed.Whereas if Rene does anything remotley like that it eats my insides?Actually for once...i have an answer...

I do honestly look at her as the embodiment of what i wish i could have.She is.So yeah...i see this...and then i realize that she has done alot of shit that i just can't see the girl of my dreams doing.The kinda things that honestly just...i'm like ashamed of.Don't get me wrong...i judge her MUCH harsher than i judge anyone.But i also treat her much better than i treat anyone else.I really am starting to...

wait...she reads this.Ha.Bet you thought i was gonna say something huh love?

It's nothing you shouldn't have realized by now.

College...looks like two big choices.Oakland University in Rochester Michigan...which for some reason sounds really familiar...i think we went through there on our way back from connecticut.And the second and big choice is Western Michigan in K-Zoo.I guess that one is the big part school...and Rene was worried about MSU. Heh.I'm not the partying type.I don't wanna live on campus anyways.And if i do i won't be there long.i want to live in GH.I WILL live in Gh.I have this awesome dream about living in GH.It involves a life similar to that of Chris and Katie.It is dependent upon my relationship status.If i'm still with Rene...she's in my plans.Otherwise...it all changes.

I could go so deep into that...

i don't delete on here unless i mis spell something.

I'm leaving with Scott and Jordon.Woot :)

the mistakes i'm dying to make.
So tonight i played with Rene all night and it was amazing.Other than my constant getting emo all the time lately for reasons that no one really knows...

Anyways.We went to chilis (sick...i don't like) then we watched Steve Martin aka God in The Lonely Guy.Awesome movie.We watched some BS show on "Xtina" aguleria.I can't stand her and i never realized that.

I know Rene's smell and taste and i'm about dying for both again right now.She's seriously an awesome girl.I do love it so.Best friend.


Sex?

School better look FARTHER up than it has...i need to raise my cummulative GPA by at least .7 so i can get into Western (hopefully).I dunno...i have no one to talk to about so much stuff.It's weird.AH.Anyways...i'm outta this beast.

falls apart again.
Ah.Ann and Serra.What the hell...

Rene...wow.how the hell...

Sleep now.Dream now.Write now...

writing...dreaming...same thing...

dreams.
Ick...

i hate days like today.you know the kind...plans fall through...people just don't seem to be there no matter what...you just want new friends.new band maybe.new home.new beginning.new life...

i'm not depressed right now.I just really am pretty discontent.like...bleh...but i'll go for now.see ya.

Friends.
So my whole friend situation tends to fluxuate.Did i spell that right? Whatever...anyways...yeah...like i was saying...my friends never seem all too permanent.Whoever is at fault.Me or them.Brandon just gets on my nerves flat out sometimes.I like a bit of seriousness in people.He has it it's just sometimes...i just can't stand him at all. And Annie never contacts me...especially when she says she will.They're my band and they annoy me sometimes.Like...to the point where i question if i wanna be in the band with them.No doubt...musically this is what i want my focus to be...but as far as members...i doubt that sometimes.Hopefully that's natural.

Today it just seems like all of my "friends" are annoying the hell out of me.In one way or another so i'm thinking that it's just my mood today.But not all of em.Rene didn't.Of course.But Amanda,Brandon,Ann not calling...so many people.I wanna talk to a friend that doesn't make me feel like i wanna just like tell them to fuck off.I wasn't yesterday with like Brett and Lins...but today i was just like "ahhh.." and i only talked to Brandon. I don't know what it is.

I'm half watching Benny and Joon.That's a good movie.

that's all for now.i have a fucking headache.

you could sell your baseball cards just to pay the rent...

when was your first...
kiss...:	8th grade
with tongue?:	not the FIRST...later that night
handjob/fingerbang [received]?:	recieved...sometime last...march i'd think...or april
handjob/fingerbang [given]?:	same
fuck?:	april for sure...april 26
oral experience [received]?:	march/april again
oral experience [given]?:	around there
anal experience?:	none
do you like...
coital sex?:	dunno what that is
oral sex?:	oh wow...BIG time
anal sex?:	never tried
making out?:	much so
handjobs/fingerbangs [receiving]?:	it's nice yes
handjobs/fingerbangs [giving]?:	yeah yeah
being submissive?:	yes
being dominate?:	not so much...but i have to be
this or that
lube or spit?:	spit
condoms or rhythm?:	i don't really like condoms so yeah...i'd assume the second one
missionary or cowgirl?:	cowgirl...i do NOT enjoy being on top really
doggy or standing?:	doggy
food or ice?:	ice
thick or long?:	huh? i don't like penis.
basic
age::	16
sex::	m
sexuality::	straight
number of partners::	1...i wish i could say 2 just cuz...yeah.

sex SEX sex brought to you by BZOINK!

What makes you laugh?:	various types of humor...from burlesque to satire and back around again.
Who is your hero?:	Gavin Rossdale and or Johnny Depp
Who would you want to be tied to for 24 hours?:	Rene.That's easy...
How many pairs of shoes do you own?:	like 5 i think
Seriously... Where does the other sock end up?:	making up for my lack of bulge.
Who do you blame for your mood today?:	Rene.
If the Internet were sex... I would:	be a total whore.
Have you ever seen a dead body?:	yes.
What is something scientists need to invent?:	100% accurate contraceptive.
What should we do with stupid people?:	group them together
Have you ever broken a bone?:	yes.
Do you watch local news? Why?:	not really...i don't know
What happens after you die?:	i don't know
How big is your bed? Big enough?:	Big...it's good.
How long do you think you will live?:	the whole time.

Random Thought Provokers brought to you by BZOINK!

Romance
People you've kissed?:	Cyndie,Jaimee,Serra,Rene,and Ann...just kidding...lol.All those except Annie...that's just weird.
People you've touched?:	romantically...two or three in REAL romance.
who's pants do you wanna get into?:	Rene's...fo real.
Kiss. muah!
like it or hate it?:	LOVE it.
a little or alot of tounge?:	i dunno.
do you like biting?:	i like to be bitten somewhat.
OPOSITE SEX
hard or easy to get?:	easy to get.
you get together at their house or yours?:	either way.
do you like to touch?:	yes.
like to be touched?:	YES.
if both which is better?:	equal amounts.

invisibleshyness's Untitled brought to you by BZOINK!

Whoa...that was quite a few of those.Tonight i hung out with Rene and she makes me worth caring.I really really really love the way she is...especially lately.She seems so open and caring.She's a huge tease...lol...but it's kinda okay.I just get REALLY REALLY horny.Which is odd.But i mean like REALLY big time. And she's not very dominate...which is kinda bad because i am not either...and if i am i am then uncomfortable about it.But she's been being so sweet.It's like she's reading my mind.She's so freakin' awesome.I love it and i love her and i agree that her and I should be togther for a long long time.I love living this amazing fairytale with the best princess i could imagine.

love,

Corey.

scarring the beautiful ones.
So i don't know what i have to say but there feels to be alot of it.I'll try to tackle something that i only THINK is there.Here's a bit of what's up.

The oppourtunity for Glossul seems to grow and grow everyday.I just don't see myself not taking this chance.This band could be my life.Above all. I didn't intend on making this band fully my life but i feel like if i don't i'll regret it.Recording,tours,radio play...among so much else.This is the real fucking deal and it is practically being handed to me.All i have to do is show that i really want it.Is it? What if i fail?What if nobody likes our music?There's so much doubt in my mind but i'm still going for it.I think that when i doubt big things they turn out good.That's how it worked with Rene.I still doubt it sometimes.Never that i want to be with her...i know it's what i want.It's her.I feel like i'm holding her back sometimes.And i know she's not holding me back from ANYTHING at all.She is nothing but supportive and amazing.I didn't ever used to think that this was my kind of girl.And in a way i was right.Only because i could never imagine this.It's hard for me to admit that i can't really see a life without her.I could see a sort of life...but it's not the way my life should be.I know i'd be miserable and i know i'd be changed. I couldn't see her with another guy. I never really could. The idea that she was with someone else is still so weird to me.I always wonder if there is more to her than i'm catching on to.She says there's not...i dunno...it's just so hard for me to believe.Like maybe she doesn't know it.Like...does the idea of Serra and I having done things afffect her at all?It affects me even.A year and a half or so ago i was worrying that i might be a dad.Now i hear my sisters kid and my brothers kid and think that i would've had one right now.I can't imagine that.It would've been Serra and I's kid.And now i don't even talk to her.After we shared that.I am so fucking afraid for that to happen.Sex means alot to me.It's so much more than just an orgasm.It's not a joke...i mean...yeah it's fun and it should be fun but it shouldn't lack romance.So yeah,i'm not a dad and that makes me happy.For now.Marriage is another story.Why am i thinking about this stuff?Who knows...I mean yeah i'm in a relationship that i wonder about sometimes but never worry.That is...where it's headed.Like...is this for real commitment or is it a highschool thing.I'm not looking for answers but an idea would be nice.

I'm never gonna feel that i measure up to some peoples past.I don't want to be equal...i don't even want to be similar...but i don't want to feel like i'm being compared and am still lower.Don't put me in an akward position and for christ sakes would you realize that some things hurt me that i won't say?

So tomorrow/today is chicago. That excites me.For whatever reason i am inclined to stay up and hear something i don't want to hear.I don't know what i'm talking about but that's what i feel like.I feel like i'm waiting for a let down or bad news.I'll let you know if this premonition has reason later i guess....i'm gonna go for now.

out of tune...as usual...
so yeah.i hate waking up in moods like this.IT SUCKS.more exams today.One for a class that regardless of what i do...i fail.Government.That means this semester i fail two required classes.Two SOPHMORE required classes.Anyways...there's nothing i can do but take the classes next year and hope for better.Good luck to me on the 3rd and 4th hour exams today.One of them is watching a movie...good stuff...

The Band.
Yes.I'm tackling a subject that is very important to me.Glossul.My band. I have a pretty good amount of hope for this band.Really...i think we could do something if we try. Rene and I discussed me being in a band the other day and she said if i was in a good band she could find that to be attractive...ha ha ha.Weird but that's a little bit of motivation.She already inspires me as far as my music...and for her to think i'm more attractive because of my music...that's awesome and i actually think that when that is the case...it's awesome.Maybe it's the rockstar in me but the idea of her as my personal groupie is cool.Anyways...back to the band.The band as of now is Ann,Brandon, and me. We all switch/play all of the insturments with Annie being the primary vocal focus. I do alot of the lyrics and we all combine for the music. Brandon of course...he's Brandon.If you're one of us...you understand why we need him.He's the backbone.haha...i'll give you the breakdown as the other members see the other members.

Annie: The leader.Regardless of what she thinks she is the primary vocalist,and without her...there would be no Glossul.She is also an emotional part of the band.We need her in here.

Corey(ME): The talent. That's what they both tell me. As far as all the insturments and lyrics...they say that i'm the "star" of the band.I know i'm needed for this band.

Brandon: The backbone...as i said.He named the band also.Whatever it is...we need this kid BIG time.

However...all of us have thought about maybe a 4th.I don't think it will happen and we really don't want to. If it comes down to it...who knows what it will be. It could feel so weird and it would be akward for the 4th.Really.We don't really need one i don't think.Maybe the occasional guest musician though. That can never be a really bad thing.For the most part though...Glossul = Ann,Brandon,and Corey.That's the way it is.

We start band practice regularly as soon as i get a car. This is going to alter our lives alot but really not too much. Brandon has a life such as his other friends and church.Annie will just be moving back and has dedication.She does however also have The Decettes (which don't matter much at all) and her other little scenester life. I don't have much to give up.I won't really have to "give up" anything. I don't see Rene that much at all anymore (at least it seems that way) and she's got a job,Sarah, marching band again eventually, among many other busy little things. She's a really busy girl and i don't really mind...it just seems like i see less and less of her and i miss her.She doesn't seem to mind and that's fine...just observing. I've got school...which really is second nature lately to disregard other than enough to do good and it can only get easier.So that's hardly an issue.I might try to get a job...but there's not really a need.I'll have my music and i won't focus anyways.So i'll just pretty much focus on that pretty much.Also my friends.I want to be a better friend. I am making great strives in that. I know i'm still going to look back at high school a year from now and have a thousand regrets in some ways but really it has not been the worst ride.More on that later...

so much on my mind.

corey.

1 1/2 years to graduate...that's so little after 13 of them.

eff off.
fucking friends and all that kinda shit piss me off.people say that the friends you've kept through high school at this point are the ones who will stick around.Don't ask me who...there've been too many.If this is the case however...i hope something else fills up the time that i spend alone.That being alot obviously.I don't enjoy this much alone time.That leads to thinking and in my case it leads to depression which i don't enjoy.The bad thing is that i'm not just feeling alone when i'm alone exactly.I felt complete solitude most of the time i was with Rene yesterday and before that as well.Just the around Rene part was weird because there were all kindsa people.And Rene.So i mean...come on.If she is there and i'm sad and feel alone there is something wrong.I blame the lack of sleep and food.Life is not bad right now.That's really in big part thanks to my parents being awesome,my bandmates (only real friends) being awesome and finally dedicated and moving back.And of course my lady.Rene seriously is unreal and i'm still partially waiting for my heart to break because this is way to good to be real.I can't say i'm madly in love or whatever but i can say i'm...yeah.I'm afraid to say it.But i do love her.Really.Regardless of what ends up...i love her.And she is probably the best friend i have and could ask for.But for now i think that i'm gonna have to stop writting.There's alot more on my mind and i just don't have the time to say it all right now.Plus this is just a freakin' journal.I go into deeper detail on here but really...it's not hard to say it...just nobody knows how to ask and i don't really know how to just say these kinda things to people.I need to shave.Shower tonight...then home and a little alone time.Maybe that's a good thing.Who knows...

gray sweatpants no make up so perfect.
In 3rd hour the other day we had to write three of our new years resolutions. one of mine was to be a better friend.Doing this by spending less time with my music.If i want this NOW i'm not sure. Hopefully i can just balance them a little better.We'll have to see.I haven't done much with my music lately.But quite a bit with friends.

I'm overprotective of Rene lately. I'll chill out i hope. I trust her.That's weird.I TRUST my girlfriend.Maybe stupid...maybe a REALLY good thing for what could remain an amazing relationship. I'm afraid to find out. All the songs that describe how i feel about her generally end up sad like how she's gone now. Not a first heartbreak...or anything like that. Just everything you want gone.I can't imagine that. But hey...maybe Dustin's dream will come true. Glossul might make it happen. To bad i'm ugly and can't write and or sing. Maybe i can leech off brandon and ann.Ha.

Glossul owns you.

more.
Rene reminded that i had written in here.let me attempt to continue with this...

-new guitars.new equipment.i want ALL new guitars.New electric,new acoustic (top priority),new bass.also acoustic amp...maybe a PA.that would be nice. A Bass amp.umm...yeah.all kinda stuff.

-learn to sing.I WiLL do this.really.i already am.

- read more.learn more.

more later.

Happy New Year to you all.
Really i have decided Rene to be the most beautiful individual i have ever come in contact with.She amazes me beyond a kiss.beyond anything.she is beyond anything i can say...really.she's like something out of a love song.i don't know how to say it.so i'll go on with something else.

This year i'm gonna try to live up to expectations i set for myself.Last year i did horribly.This year i want to do so much better.So here are some things:

-Progress with my music. I do so much (or at least it feels like it) to make my music be good or at least liked and/or desired by even just one person and it's gotten nowhere.Maybe a little bit of somewhere...but not near where i want it to be.

-Relationship.Last year i wanted to stay with Serra.At the time i thought i meant it but shortly after deep down i knew deep deep down that she was not the one i would end up with.There was something more to be had as far as love.She gave me alot of memories that i regret creating now because they ended in such an explosive series of lies that i'm afraid in a way to feel that kind of a memory again.Regardless of how hard i try not to feel what i'm feeling about Rene...it is so there. I don't know if it will be there a week from now,let alone ten years from now. I was always looking to find a girl i knew i could be with years from now and i don't get that with Rene.I don't get to feel that i know she's going to make a good mother someday. i don't get a girl who says she's gonna wanna be with me forever.I don't get a girl who i thought i needed and i couldn't be happier with what i have. She treats me better than any girl ever has. She has this way of doing things that make me feel how i need to.She does hurt me. I need that. I really really do. If it's not there i'll make it be.So she really still inspires me for songs and stuff.But she makes me damn happy.

i'm tired...i'll add on next time.for now...

love.

corey