the end is the beginning is the end

the end is the beginning is the end

:: 2003 10 November :: 10.29 pm
:: Music: the smiths

craig's roommate had this in her profile

An old Cherokee was teaching his grandson about life:

"A fight is going on inside me," he said to the boy.
"It is a terrible fight, and it is between two wolves. One is evil - he is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego. The other is good - he is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith. This same fight is going on inside you and inside every other person, too."

The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather, "Which wolf will win?"

The old Cherokee simply replied, "The one you feed."

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:: 2003 10 November :: 1.49 pm
:: Mood: curious

nature is a language - can't you read?
shyness is nice, and
shyness can stop you
from doing all the things in life you'd like to

so, if there's something you'd like to try
if there's something you'd like to try -

ASK ME!

i won't say, "no."
how could i?

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:: 2003 9 November :: 12.55 am

relevance isn't important
maybe different
but remember winters
warm there, you and i
kissing whiskey by the fire
with the snow outside
and the summer comes
the river swims at midnight
shiver cold
touch the bottom
you and i
with muddy toes

stay or leave
i want you not to go
but you should
it was good as good goes
stay or leave
i want you not to go
but you did

wake up naked
drinking coffee
making plans to change the world
while the world is changing us
it was good good love
you used to laugh under the covers
maybe not so often now
the way i used to laugh with you was loud and hard

stay or leave
i want you not to go
but you should
it was good as good goes
stay or leave
i want you not to go
but you did

so what to do with the rest of today's afternoon?
isn't it strange how we change everything we did?
did i do all that i should?
that i could've done?

remember we used to dance and everyone wanted to be you and me
i want to be too
what day is this, besides the day you left me?
what day is this, besides the day you went?
what to do with the rest of the day's afternoon?
isn't it strange how we change everything we did?
did i do all that i could?

remember we used to dance and everyone wanted to be you and me
i want to be too

what day is this, besides the day you left me?
what day is this?

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:: 2003 4 November :: 11.27 pm

"People meet and make love and part without ever really touching." - Ian Frazier

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:: 2003 28 October :: 3.03 pm

"What passes for optimism is most often the effect of an intellectual error."
- Raymond Aron

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:: 2003 26 October :: 10.06 pm

I AM:: no one
I THINK:: all the time
I KNOW:: nothing
I WANT:: a girl
I HAVE:: more than what i need
I WISH:: for peace
I HATE:: hate
I MISS:: my childhood
I FEAR:: prejudice, war
I HEAR:: beauty in music and in nature
I SEARCH:: through paper clips, rubber bands, and memories
I WONDER:: what i've missed
I REGRET:: not being there
I ACHE:: when i think about people who have died
I CARE:: about everything and everyone

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:: 2003 15 October :: 11.49 am
:: Mood: energetic
:: Music: pearl jam - corduroy

it's like the imprint it leaves on your skin
the waiting drove me mad
you're finally here and i'm a mess
i take your entrance back
can't let you roam inside my head

i don't want to take what you can give
i would rather starve than eat your bread
i would rather run, but i can't walk
guess i'll lie alone just like before

i'll take the firmest path
and i must refuse your test
push me and i will resist
this behavior's not unique

i don't want to hear from those who know
they can buy, but can't put on my clothes
i don't want to limp for them to walk
never would have known of me before

i don't want to be held in your debt
i'll pay it off in blood, let i be wed
i'm already cut up and half dead
i'll end up alone like i began

everything has changed
absolutely nothing's changed
take my hand, not my picture
spilled my tincture

i don't want to take what you can give
i would rather starve than eat your breast
all the things that others want for me
can't buy what i want because it's free
can't buy what i want because it's free
can't be what you want because i'm...

it's supposed to be just fun
to live and die, let it be done
i figure i'll be damned, all alone like i began

it's your move now
i thought you were a friend
but i guess
i, i guess i [edit: don't really like] you

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:: 2003 11 October :: 5.27 pm
:: Music: the white stripes

thinking of a day i'll be too old to throw a ball this heavy
i smelled grass today and thought of summer and everything that went along with it.
while i was mowing the lawn, my brain did its normal thing of thinking about everything except the current task at hand - meaning i got a little crooked crazy with the lawnmower - and i thought about danielle. and then i thought of something danielle told me. she said i need to be with the right person. and off of that studded my thoughts of relationships and love, and couples in movies and how it's the music in movies that makes me sad at sad parts. and i started thinking of movies that contain the death of one of the character's loved ones, and how it helps the audience appreciate their loved ones a little bit more. branched from that thought was the idea of appreciation and deserving things. and i don't think anyone really deserves anything they inherit, or are born with. you don't deserve anything given to you for free, because you don't appreciate it. you never appreciate what you have, and especially not the things that are free. you can't compare your life of having the things you've always had to your life of not having them, because you don't know that life. when you're born into a certain time period of life, you assume that this is how everything is, was, and will be. these things, not intentionally, are taken for granted. therefore, you can never truly appreciate something that you didn't even have to lift a finger for. you only realize how important something is when you have to fight for it. you only recognize the worth of anything when you don't have it. you only deserve what you work for.

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:: 2003 10 October :: 7.38 pm

it must be nice, being perfect and being normal and being the majority
"How can gays be expected to have loving and committed relationships, if all they do is drink, party, and go to bathhouses?" - Robert Klein Engler

"It's just asking too much to elevate a scripturally forbidden relationship to the sacred level of holy matrimony. To do so would make a mockery of procreative marriage and drive the final nail in the coffin of the American family." - Jack Ellis

"No same-sex union can realize the unique and full potential which the marital relationship expresses." - The National Conference of Catholic Bishops

"Oh, you're one of the sodomites. You should only get AIDS and die, you pig. How's that? Why don't you see if you can sue me, you pig. You got nothing better than to put me down, you piece of garbage. You have got nothing to do today, go eat a sausage and choke on it." - Michael Savage

"Marriage is a critical social institution. Stable families depend on it. Society depends on stable families. Up to now, with all the changes in marriage, the one thing we've been sure of is that marriage means monogamy. Gay marriage will break that connection. It will do this by itself, and by leading to polygamy and polyamory. What lies beyond gay marriage is no marriage at all. Gay marriage will almost certainly weaken the belief that monogamy lies at the heart of marriage." - Stanley Kurtz

"Unless we get medically lucky, in three or four years, one of the options discussed will be the extermination of homosexuals." - Dr. Paul Cameron, speaking at the 1985 Conservative Political Action Conference

"When lawlessness is abroad in the land, the same thing will happen here that happened in Nazi Germany. Many of those people involved in Adolph Hitler were Satanists. Many of them were homosexuals. The two things seem to go together." - Pat Robertson

"You know, really, when you think about it - let me just be blunt here - when an individual 'comes out' and proclaims their homosexuality, really, what they are doing is standing up and saying, 'I'm a sexual deviant, and I'm proud of it.'" - Michael Johnston

"Not only is homosexuality a sin, but anyone who supports fags is just as guilty as they are. You are both worthy of death." - Reverend Fred Phelps

"It is [a sin]. You should try to show them a way to deal with that problem, just like alcohol... or sex addiction... or kleptomaniacs." - Senate Republican Leader Trent Lott

"Homosexuality is a decision, it's not a race. People from all different ethnic backgrounds live in this lifestyle. But people from all different ethnic backgrounds are also liars and cheaters and malicious and back-stabbing." - Reggie White

"These people [homosexuals] are intellectually dishonest in just about everything they do or say. They start by pretending that it is just another form of love. It's sickening." - US Senator Jesse Helms (R-NC)

"What kind of craziness is it in our society which will put a cloak of secrecy around a group of people whose lifestyle is at best abominable? Homosexuality is an abomination. The practices of those people is appalling. It is a pathology." - Pat Robertson

"The acceptance of homosexuality is the last step in the decline of Gentile civilization." - Pat Robertson

"It's one thing to say, 'We have rights to jobs... we have rights to be left alone in our little corner of the world to do our thing.' It's an entirely different thing to say, 'We're not only going to go into the schools, we're going to take your children and your grandchildren and turn them into homosexuals.' Now that's wrong." - Pat Robertson

"The radical left is doing everything they can to destroy the moral fiber of America. They want to do away with the family. I am absolutelypersuaded one of the reasons so many lesbians are at the forefront of the pro-choice movement is because being a mother is the unique characteristic of womanhood, and these lesbians will never be mothers naturally, so they don't want anybody else to have that privilege either." - Pat Robertson

"Gays seek to destroy all Christians." - Pat Robertson

"[Vice President Gore] recently praised the lesbian actress who plays 'Ellen' on ABC Television. I believe he may even put children, young people, and adults in danger by his public endorsement of deviant homosexual behavior. Our elected leaders are attempting to glorify and legitimize perversion." - Jerry Falwell

"If we do not act now, homosexuals will own America! If you and I do not speak up now, this homosexual steamroller will leterally crush all decent men, women, and children who get in its way - and our nation will pay a terrible price!" - Jerry Falwell

"There is a strong undercurrent of pedophilia in the homosexual subculture. Homosexual activists want to promote the flouting of traditional sexual prohibitions at the earliest possible age... they want to encourage a promiscuous society - and the best place to start is with a young and credulous captive audience in the public schools." - Robert Knight

"One of the primary goals of the homosexual rights movement is to abolish all age of consent laws and to eventually recognize pedophiles as the 'prophets' of a new sexual order." - Homosexual Activists Work to Normalize Sex With Boys (Family Research Council [FRC] publication)

"[Homosexuality] is the opposite of love for God. It is a rebellion against God and God's natural order, and embodies a deep-seated hatred against true religion." - Steven A. Schwalm

"Militant homosexuality is fundamentally opposed to religion, family, and anything that presupposes a natural moral order, a transcendent God, or something else higher than ourselves. The activist homosexual agenda and worldview are fundamentally incompatible with Christianity or any form of true religion, because homosexuality is ultimately narcissism." - Steven A. Schwalm

"The sexual revolution, of which homosexual activism is a key part, has laid waste to countless lives, destroyed families, and shattered hope for people who have been cast adrift into a deadly carnival of excess. It's time to reaffirm the permanent things of marriage and family and sexual sanity. It's time to throw people a life preserver instead of a life destroyer, which the homosexual subculture surely is." - Robert Knight

"Homosexual behavior hurts people, families, and communities."- Robert Knight

"Monogamy is not the norm for the average homosexual." - Robert Knight

"You don't have to eat the stale crumbs off the dirty floor, which is basically what lesbianism is."- Yvette Cantu

"Legally destroying the exclusive territory of marriage to achieve a political end will not provide the real benefits of marriage to homosexuals, but it may be the blow that the shattered American family does not survive." - Kristi Hamrick

"Homosexuality is not merely about a harmless personal preference. It is about a lifestyle that involves having sex with another person of the same gender. More often than anyone would like to admit, it's about promiscuity - and even violence. It is about unnatural, unsafe, and unhealthy behavior." - Laurel L. Cornell

"For the sake of our children and society, we must OPPOSE the spread of homosexual activity! Just as we must oppose murder, stealing, and adultery! Since homosexuals cannot reproduce, the only way for them to 'breed' is to RECRUIT! And who are their targets for recruitment? Children!"- Don Wildmon

"Homosexuals aren't born that way, and they don't have to stay that way." - American Family Association "Action Alert" via email 4/25/97

"Satan uses homosexuals as pawns. They're in, as you know, key positions in the media - they're in the White House, they're in everything, they're in Hollywood now. Then, unfortunately, after he uses them, he infects them with AIDS and then they die." - Anthony Falzarano

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:: 2003 6 October :: 9.57 pm
:: Music: tori amos

sounds like me, doesn't it?
The Idealist Temperament
Idealists want to search for Self, to become themselves, to have a goal, a purpose in life, to be self-actualized, to be and become real, to be what they are meant to be and to have an identity which is uniquely theirs, to become self-actualized into a perfect whole and to have an identity which is perfectly unique, to have meaning, to have their significance appreciated, or at the very least, recognized as existing, to have integrity, that is unity, with no facade, no mask, no pretense, no sham, no playing of roles, to be genuine, to communicate authentically, to be in harmony with the inner experiences of self, to avoid a life of bad faith, to live a life of significance, making a difference in the world, to experience life as a drama, to be sensitive to the subtle gestures and metaphoric behavior in relationships, to help others become kinder, warmer, and more loving human beings, to reform the world, to romanticize their experiences, their lives, and the experiences and lives of others (Keirsey, 1984, pp. 57-66; cf., Heineman (NF)).

Positive attributes: altruistic, analytical, authentic, behaved, believing, benevolent, calm, caring, chart maker, communicative, compassionate, compliant, conscientious, considerate, creative, cultured, deep, deliberate, dependable, detail conscious, detailed, disciplined, emotional, empathic, enthused, enthusiastic, ethical, even-tempered, exacting, faithful, fervent, genuine, helpful, idealistic, industrious, inspired, intuitive, loyal, musical, nurturing, orderly, organized, perfectionist, persistent, personal, planner, pleasing, precise, prophetic, psychic, relating, reliable, respectful, scheduled, self-sacrificing, sensitive, serious, sincere, spiritual, subjective, sympathetic, systematic, thoughtful, understanding, unifier, unworldly, visionary, warm, well-behaved, well-organized.

Negative attributes: alienated, bashful, confused, credulous, critical, depressed, detached, difficult, estranged, exacting, fussy, guilt prone, hard to please, hypochondriac, indecisive, inflexible, introvert, judgmental, loner, moody, moralistic, mystical, negative attitude, overly sensitive, perfectionistic, pessimistic, picky, resentful, too sensitive, skeptical, self-absorbed, self-critical, self-righteous, stuffy, suspicious, touchy, unforgiving, unpopular, unrealistic, withdrawn, worry prone.

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:: 2003 6 October :: 2.20 pm
:: Mood: lethargic
:: Music: zwan

there's never the time to write down these lines
matter can neither be destroyed nor created. nothing is ever really gone. in much the same way, no one is ever really dead. as soon as you meet a person, they're etched in your head. they're inside you. and they never leave (even if you "forget" them). death is just a separation of matter, not an end to it. and death isn't always the end of life. someone can still be alive, but if you never talk to them again, they're dead. because everything is relative to you.

some people get out of bed because their jobs excite them. that doesn't really make sense to me, because when i hear the word "job," i automatically associate it with negativity. i don't want my job to be a job. i hope that there will be something so inspiring, so exciting, that i'll look forward to doing it everyday. with me, it's going to have to be. i'm serious but i don't take myself so seriously as to believe i'm living just because i'm making money.

my head hurts. i'm glad billy corgan is going to do solo work. kaprice. that'd be cool. i'm scared though. that was such a good movie. i don't know what the hell is going on. slow, like the growth of a mountain. zwan reminds me of february.

i've been crying more easily for the past... year (?) i think. i don't know if it's because i'm older, wiser, more experienced in relationships with family, friends, etc. or what... but movies and songs affect me more than they used to, or more than i ever allowed them to in the past. i never cried. i cry sometimes now, while watching a tv show or a movie. perhaps i've just been more aware of the delicate nature of life, how quickly and randomly things can change. a lot of that has happened in the past year. maybe i'm lying, not intentionally of course, but maybe my memory is all screwed up. cuz it's not like i was ever some robot numb to all emotion. i mean, let's not kid ourselves. i just feel way more sentimental nowadays. maybe i was always this way but never noticed, or cared. i don't know what i'm saying. neither does a chinese man. i guess that doesn't do much for the betterment of hamburgers.

i wrote about 4 entries since the last, but i put them all under "private." i never followed through in writing something worthwhile about what i meant to - i've been sick and out of it. and i don't believe i should write something if i'm not feeling it at the moment - that's such a lie, it's so fake. stuff is building up in my head though, so one day, i'll write it down.

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:: 2003 1 October :: 3.43 pm

ever heard of sarcasm?
the use of "i" when written doesn't always mean me, or isn't always from my point of view. just remember that when you read certain things i post (i.e. lyrics and poems).

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