billyfan
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2003 29 December :: 8.58am
:: Mood: awake
:: Music: my grandma is watching fuckin tv
ouch
Hey ya guys, for once i woke up late today, i got up a eight o clock. I have to sit with my grandma all week it sux fuckin dick. but hey i still have a few friends that might want to come over i think, well tow i guess Angelica and Ariel, but i already went to thier house and spent the night and blah blah blah. I am feeling pretty shitty right now i really dont feel alive, i kinda feel like i am dead. we went and saw cheeper by the dozen, it was okay. um it is really raining, i meanlike hard! i want to take to one of you face to face if i could but ya i guess you guys would not want to right. i am not saying you hate me you probably just need to cool down and drain all those bad thoughts about me out. I dont know if i told you about my knew book called Freak Story, oh yeah i did but not in depth, well it is going to be good not a a series, i dont think, it is probably going to be a single, witch is weird, because i have never writen a single before only serieses. oh well what the Fuck, gotta try new things right? well stupied time limit gotta go and think of what friend i could call to save me from my grandma bye!
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billyfan
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2003 28 December :: 7.46am
:: Mood: AHHHHHHHHHHHH!
:: Music: my birds just woke up Fuck you birds!
umm
Hey Sara all you guys i am not very happy either. You guys think i should be happy because of all the hella nice shit i got for christmas and Gooser comin to mah party. But those are all material things, things i could do without, you guys dont see it, I could have everything in the world right now but still be unhappy because i have and never willl have anyone to share it with! I dont really need all the material stuff i need the spiritual, mental, emotional stuff. Of subject, i was shopping yesterday(with mah own money! Damm!) We were at the VANS store and there they were, the cutest pink and black old school vans, like mine now only pink and black, i searched for mah size no only up to size seven Fuck them we were at mervens and there they were black hitop converse on sale Woooooo! yaaaa! but no only sizez all around ten but no fuckin tens!!!! Fuck! then my mom got mad and we went home and i went in my room right as the fight began. i knew it would make its way to me soon so i got on my computer and blasted the music on my headfones and began typing more in mah book. My parents yelled a lot and argued about me and me and stuff i did and me it made me sad. I am writing a new book it is called Freak Story, it is really cool i would say more but my parents r gettin up now and i have to go! Bye love ya all give me a hallar on my email!
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billyfan
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2003 25 December :: 7.09am
:: Mood: wierd unexplainable
:: Music: my brother got some loud video games!
hey
Merry Christmas to all! I had a semi small christmas, my brother got more than i but i dont care the very few i got were the best! I got a Cell Phone WHOOOOOOOOOOO!! Whoooooooo! i would tell you my number but then you would all call me and my dad would get mad because creepy poeple that just see it and call me, ne wayz i willl tellyou guys personally later. Then i got a five megapixle digital camera/video camera, it came with a cool printer that hooks up to the camera, and it has a fax machine and copy machine and a computer screen that pops up so i can look at my pictures on the disk i put in the printer and print them out!!! i also got new head phones, and a CD holder! Christmas dinner was okay not that good but i ate a little so my mom and dad would be happy! THey are at a movie right now so i can be online and they cant see what i am doing He HE HEee HEEEEEEEE! I called angelica, my friend at like seven o'clock this morning on my new cell fone, it is a flip fone and it is really small and it is silvery!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OH, sorry sara but i will rite about this you dont have to read it. I have a Guini pig show coming up!!!!!! It is in January!! on the seventeeth! OMFG! this just hit me, my birthday party is the 16 and my show is early in the mornin oh fuck, fuck fuck fuck! oh well i will work it out because i no you guys wont believe it but if we can find a place for them to play Gooser is going to play at my party!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! We just have to find a Hall to rent for the evening, so they dont have to play at our house and drive my nieghbors crazy! It will be soooooo cool, and Sierra you were bragging that you got your picture taken with one of them, wel if they are there and you come, i will have all of them take a picture with you!!!! But i still have to find a place and if i dont then they cannot come and play darn, well i am looking frantically and typing here at the same time. Oh Sara just for you there is one thing that you dont no about and no you dont no what i am going through with that! Thank you SIerra for that kind comment I no you love me and all of my other friends it is just that sometimes i no that but there are other peple who would like me gone. My pigs are gettin all ready for thier show i have been taking pictures of them and they look better in the picture than in real life! Ha HA AH HAAH. Hey guys i got this Fuckin GOdamm stoopid pile o shit time limit and i have to find a hall Jus so ya no i am not pissed at ne of you and i hope you all have a lovely holiday, and i look foreward to speaking with you, hey email me if you havent already at courtneymail@aol.com TTYL Bye!!!!
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billyfan
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2003 24 December :: 12.00am
:: Mood: sad, tired
:: Music: Korn CD blasting in my ear!
ya
I know I am not the only one in this world with problems i never said i was! But i am the only one in the world so far as i know with my problems, problems and worries you guys dont know about. You guys act like all i want is our attantion it is the opposite, i like being by myself and when i am home alone, wich is almost all day, all the time i turn out the light in my so it is pitch black then i make up pomes and say them aloud but quietly, then i cry, i cry for hours at a time, over different issues, over different things said over different bad situations. But ya know what I dont give a Goddam Fuck about it either way I dont care if you guys care, if you never asked me about what goes on in my life i would be fine with that, i dont like the attention as much as you think i do. Oh and also you guys are why did you cut yourself, you should not have done it well, you guys think i regret doing it but sadly i dont, it made me happy it gave me the Ha when im gone you'll be sorrry feeling and that felt good. I am sorry but even now i do not regret doing it i no that will make you mad but you would not understand and i am sure nowone will ever understand, but that is okay i am fine by myself. I will not do it again i can promise you that but i do not regret the times i did!, and afterward i actually had a feeling of pride and happiness. I cant pull it across ou guys enough times to tell you that I will not do it again! Oh and Siearra, Mr. B. if you are reading this it is not for you i only meant this for them S&R they know who they are! On a ligther note, i spent the night at Angelicas last night but first we went to her club and well it had a swimming pool and her mom was practically begging me to go in but i could not i am not complaining i am just writing in my journal what happened then we made little rose kisses things that you sell for Valentines day and then we played Sims and a lot of other stuff! Then i had to come home to My Grandma and I asked her if she would drive me to drop off the rest of my Christmas presents and she said no.
Well guys i have to go now but let me tell you i dont care if you care i actually dont really want you to i no i am actually pretty Goddam special but not ne more than ne of you! By Maybe see you later............Bye
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billyfan
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2003 23 December :: 12.00am
:: Mood: annoyed
:: Music: my grama is watching tv
lallalalalalalalalalalala!
Sorry but I wont ever do it again i have not done it since i promised Sierra! I really have not! Sorry Sara i cannot make you happy like your other friends do, i dont watch much tv, only MTV, i have never ever had a guy that liked me or even looked at me differently to talk about and the only guy i love you guys allthink is stoopid. And to top it off you hate it even when i mentoin the word Guini Pig! and when i try to talk about my problems you get mad or sad. I always i guess have been kinda shy and when i do get talking i act more adult like, well you wanna know why? becuase i had to be a sixteen year old when i was five! I had to ake care of my brother i had to feed him nd i, i had to pack all the families lunches in the morning before we went to school! I took care of all of our animals, i got up as a five year old at five o'clock to feed the dogs and pick up the stuff, even in the rain!!!!!! Okay and on top of that i was a genuis as a child i was very smart i could have skipped almost three grades(maybe) if i did i would probably get the same grades i did in the grade i was in. I also had no friends so all that me time was spent on books and writing and drawing i was and am a great artist i won frist place in the arts festival three years in a row 1stgrade, through third, then i just did not feel like winning ne more it got boring! SO there ya go that is why i probably cant make you happy i raised myself not my prents because they were not there! They bought foo and paid for the house, I bought my own clothes (and i still do) I am not angry at you becuase you did not know but now you do and i am sorry i cant make you more happy i will just have to try harder! Wel i have a fuckin God forskaen dam time limit on this computer and i cannot hack into the guardian server but i will get soon i think! well by guys have a nice Christmas all of you and I love you i have not grudges against ne of you!
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billyfan
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2003 22 December :: 8.40am
:: Mood: really sick!
:: Music: tick tock of the clock
ummm......
Wel ya i am sick. I am also back from Ventura!!!! My back has been giving me lots of trouble lately it really hurts and i should see a doctor but i cant. The reason when you see a doctor you have to take off all your clothes and then the doctor and whatver parent is there with me will see my cut marks up both of my arms that would be a disaster! So i am just going to tough out the pain as long as i can Gotta go i have a fuckin god damm time limit! aw Shit my mom Byeeeeeeee!
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billyfan
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2003 21 December :: 9.29am
:: Mood: crappy
:: Music: none ahhhhhhhhhhhhh!
mmmmmmmmm
Well we are leaving my gramies house now and i just thought i would post something for the heck of it. well ya gotta go grandma wants me walk the dog first bye!
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billyfan
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2003 20 December :: 7.51am
:: Mood: crushed
:: Music: none
huh
Um well I just got back from my mom's friend Karens cookie baking party, and it was really fun and there were some cute guys there and I took one of them James, out on the balcony to talk because he was really sort of cute and he had long hair and he was quite and shy but when we talked it was like magic, but then Porsha Karens neice who is fifteen came out with all the other boys and he really likes her so left me and walked off with her and now I feel like crying ecause he did not even say by to me when he left, by the way he was 18 but he really did not ook that old or act that old I thought he was like 16 but ne way and then later that night I was underneath the balcony watching cars go by and Porsha dumps a bucket f water on me and I was all wet and after tat we had to go to dinner, I wassoooooo mad at her! I almost had to take off m sweatshirt to because Karen offered me a tee-shirt and I had to show her my scars in front of all the people there it would have soooo embarressed. Well um I am still delivering all my friends gifts on monday r tuesday and well I will deliver Sara, and Ronnies but i dont think tey want to even know me ne more and that makes me sad and well I no I ruined both of your christmases and I know that you both are excited to not have to see me........ so I wont ever have to bother you agin......it will be as though I was never there and I bet you will be happy! No I wont comitt suiceid, not now, but I will not even bother talking to you guys until.....I dont know.......but well I dont think you guys love mene more and dont get a all pissed beause I know you really dont really care and I dont want you to, I have other people I can talk to so youguys can go on with your lives without me. That does not go for you siearra, i have nothing againsst you, because you cared and you were not mad! I love you....and oh sara and Ronnie if i am not at school on monday, maye it is because i ran away...but if i am theere dont even give me the bitchy snott face i hate you look because if I was gone i know you would not even care and that makes me sad.......well i gotta go be i am crying all over the keyboard and my grandma is walking up the stairs!
um well ya........uhhh.......bye.
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billyfan
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2003 19 December :: 10.01am
:: Mood: sick
:: Music: My teacher is yelling
well uh....
My snake died this morning. I got a few presents today from some of my friends and I am delivering thiers to thier houses before christmas, over break. You guys all no I love ou, and I promise I write something in my journal everyday and if I dont then maybe something is wrong but dont get histarical and freak out. My mom was off yesterday and she went shopping and well she never came and my dad got worried and at about six she called and she was sixhundred miles away and she said she was "lost" I dont think so, because like totally why would she be there in the first place? What was she doing, I dont no maybe leaving us again, she did a couple times when I was younger, she said she left because of me........ that made me sad. I think my parents should get a divorce because for a couple of years andyway i have thought of them as if they were because they always fight and yel and then thye will fight over me and yell at me and well call me names and say am worthles, and on drugs and stuff, and OMFG! What if I am like they would even care they usually are not home, and that is why i have so much time to cut myself fet high, throwup and all that wich I have sopped cuttig myself I told you guys that! and also they dont acknowledge me when I do good only when I do bad. They dont about all the times i have just been in the wrong place at the wrong time, like all those times guys have tried to pick me up off the street, and it makes me sad because sometimes i think that it would have been better to go with them..... well I have an assignment in computer I gotta do bye!
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billyfan
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2003 18 December :: 12.42pm
:: Mood: I have a head ache
:: Music: Some kid is talking about how he is "Queen of the ocean"
Huh?
MY baby guini pi last night was really sik and well I put it on a towl in its cage, so i could go and check my email, and when it was born the mom chewed off to of its toes on what i thought was an accident. i came back ten minutes later and she runs to the corner and the blind deaf baby is sitting there andits whole front arm was gone, and its back foot was gone and was squirming and bleeding and it was sooooooo grosssss and soooooooo sad I cried and cried and called my friends and cried and sook and i just went into shock. I picked it up on the towl and put it in a bucket and waited two hours for my dad to come home and put it out of its missery because i loved it to much to do that myself......... so he thumped it and I put it in a kodak film box and threw it in the trash! I was soooooooo upset and now we are going to put the mom down because she is a canable and she even tried to chew on my finger.. well gottat do some report G2G
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