lalalala...
so i just read the last entry of my journal and oh my god that was a really long time ago.. me and jake are together now.. i love him so much!! we have been together "technically" for almost 3 months.. but me and him see us as alittle over 3 years.. he said he fell in love with me the first time he saw me and met me.. thats kinda the same with me.. so its weird.. i mean we have been through so much but we never gave up on eachother.. i mean yeah we didnt talk for almost 6 months.. thats just one of the bad things we went through.. but you know its all better now and im so happy being with him.. heres a secret.. i think he is going to get me a promise ring in a couple weeks.. :) he just started his job and he is getting his pay check next week.. and the ring is only like $80 on sale.. but not on sale like $180 or something.. but if he dont get me a ring its okay i will still love him more than anything.. but okay im going to leave now.. i just wanted to update that last entry..

him.
why, i ask. i dont understand. if i was dead he'd be happy, if i was suffering he'd be happy.... but when im there... when im there hes misserable. i thought he loved me..? i thought i loved him, no i know i love him.. but i hid it.. i didnt want him to know, i didnt want anyone to know.. but you know the saying "you dont know what you have until its gone" thats true.. this isnt the first time i've lost someone, and it wont be the last.... but i feel like i've lost everything. i feel like something is missing now. *crying* he wants time- i'll give him time. im done. its over. all this is telling me that he hates me and never ever EVER wants to have anything to do with me anymore. i just want to go back in time, and fix whatever i did... i want someone to kill me because jake would be soooo much happier if i was dead i bet. thats what he act like- who cares that i cry everynight right? he dont! i have so many things on my mind, so much to say about all this.. its just i dont know how to say it ever....... so im leaving it at this- if you love someone tell them before its to late..... i wish he knew.

....?
i hate being sick. i love my angel (my kitty). i hate how i got grounded. i want to cry. i need someone. i want someone. i have a wonderful friend. i like this guy and mostly everyone knows it-but i dont know. this song [NIN-Something I Can Never Have] brings back so many memories. KaCey. Deppression. Phillip. Jake. Guys. Life. Music. ........... i just typed what was on my mind.... so sorry if it doesnt make since......?

i have cried all day long..

guys are all assholes..

and i hate not being able to talk to my best friend..

4 days until my bday!!!

long time.
I LIKE JAKE SOOOOOOOOOOOOO MUCH!!

okay, i feel better now.

so its been awhile now.... with my grounded so far... i have earned the phone the internet and my allowence back (its soooo stupid)... my parents are way to strict.. oh well

my bday is in 14 days! i will finally be 17.. lol

[Blink 182 - Lost Without You] <<< love that song

i really cant write im thinkin of jake.. and its hard to concentrate.. lol :p

?
so...... im just chillin over at my grandmas house again..... lots has happened this week.. last sunday i got grounded till im like 80 because im stupid and got caught in a lie.. i said i was gonna spend the night with dugan but i went to scotts house and stayed the night... yeah scott got back last saturday.. i am grounded from everything, it sucks.. wednesday my grandpa died of a heart attack.. and the family has been together ever since.. i took it alright, being the first person to die in my family that i was close to.. but today we went up to the funeral home to see him and give the guy some papers.. and i cried then.. first time i had cried... i kept it all in.. i still have alot in... the funeral is monday at 2.. its an open casket.. its gonna be so sad.. its already sad now.. i am thankful for everyones help to my grandma they have been so nice and kind.. i love this song by queen it rules.. but yes, im gonna go now.. and like lay down or something... so yeah... ? bye

something.
wow, its been a long time again.. alot has happened once again.. hehe.. i dont feel like explaining i just wanted to say hello.. and i have changed AGAIN.. so yeah, like ill write back later when i have the time.. because im over at my grandmas house at a cookout/bday party.. so um.. bye?

so, its been almost a month huh? alot has happened.. friday myranda told me that she talked to scott thursday night and he said he was getting on the bus november 11th!!! he told her to tell me that he will see me when he sees me.. haha i just cant wait.. me and ryan have been going out, sunday will be a week.. kc and dugan are now going out.. they started going out the same time me and ryan did and.. today me and ryan kissed for the first time.. and so did kc and dugan.. this is gonna be weird.. lol oh well i can handle it,, god i am so tired, i have to stay up until 2 something to talk to sam.. its worth waiting for though.. i love talking to sam, i love everything about him.. he loves everything about me too.. but right now i want to be with ryan.. weird huh? then i dont know... im gonna go to sleep for about 2 hours and then wake back up.. so yeah bye

*tear*
so.. good news: NONE ... bad news: me and kacey broke up.. it was thursday when i broke up with him but before that.. wednesday he broke up with me and we got back together 9 hours later but before that monday we about broke up but we didnt, and on tuesday night on the phone we was talking about him breakin up with me (he didnt want to do it over the phone) so he broke up with me wednesday morning.. so this was a 4 day thing but acually its been going on for awhile in our heads without tellin eachother.. i have cried myself to sleep monday, tuesday, wednesday, thursday, and friday.. now i will probably end up crying myself to sleep everynight for awhile.. he is my bestest friend in the whole entire world.. and i am his.. i wrote this thing for me.. about him.. i read it to him and he told me that it was really good.. i say it sux.. but iono i say that to everything i write.. i called it "memories"..........

oh wait there is good news acually...... SCOTT HICKS is coming back in november! i cant wait..

im so f*ckin depressed.. i want to die.. someone please shoot me or something my heart feels like its in a million pieces and will never be whole again.. its true.. he is my life, my love, and my best friend in the entire world.. i love him more than anyone knows.. more than i even know.. i hope and pray that he isnt happier with another girl.. because i couldnt be happier with another guy.. (one reason we broke up-about happiness) okay i need to go no one cares about me and my stupid life and my stupid emotions.. and my depression.. bye

...
just wanted to say something..

not sure what aggravated really means, but i say it means that im about to get pissed off... i just know it!
man.. alot has happened in the past two week.. i cant really say it all.. i love aqua teen hunger force!!! they rule.. my desktop wallpaper is MEATWAD!!! yay :p **owww i just bit the side of my lip** *singing.. SHES A BRICK...... HOUSSSSE... SHES MIGHTY MIGHTY JUST LETTIN IT ALL HANG OUT, SHES A BRICK..... HOUSSSE!* haha... man, my dads gf and her two kids are commin over.. i dont like them... grrr.... man i feel like shit.. i should throw up or something.. but i dont wanna make myself because i use to be like that.. and i dont know.. it hurts.. BREAKING BENJAMIN RULES!!! man, i have listened to alot of songs.. and i havent even wrote that much.. man.. today i told Sam Colvin to kiss KaCey when he saw him and he did...... i was just kidding when i said it.. but he didnt know that.. lol.. he said i owe him.. i called kacey a bit ago and asked him if he got a kiss.. and he was like YEAH!! lol it was funny.. and sam was over there and i said tell him i was really just kidding.. and kc did and hes like.. "she still owes me" lol... Thursday kacey told me that he loves someone else too.. and after he told me that i felt like we werent going out anymore.. i dont know but it made it feel different.. because now everything im with him thats all on my mind.. is that he loves someone else.. but ya know what.. it dont make since.. he said he loves me with all his heart.. wtf.. how can there be room for another girl then? lol.. oh well i love someone else too.. but shhh!.. lol... his name is forever SCOTT!!!!! :D blah blah blah... uhh.. man, i miss him.. but ya know what.. i may love him still.. but i love kacey alot more.. i mean although i did have greater feelings for him than i have had with kacey so far.. i have other feelings for kacey i never had with scott.. you cant have the same feelings altogether with another guy as you did with another one.. (god i love this song.. the best of me..) did what i just said about feelings make any sense? hmm.. anyways.. *singing.. tell me what you thought about when you were gone and so alone the worst is over you can have the best of me we got older but we are still young we never grew out of this feeling that we wont give up* man, i wanna see KaCey.. this commin weekend im going to Noel, Missouri.. gonna go camping and float the river in a canoe.. we do it every year.. this year kayla is gonna go with us.. but sadly laura is not.. she said she dont feel like going.. i keep beggin her... but nope.. she still says no.. uhhh.. anyways.. i guess im gonna go cuz i dont know what all to say anymore.. or im just to lazy to type it all.. iono.. bye

donno
man, i woke up not even 30 mins ago.. and im dead tired.. yesterday i said "oh shizzle" Kayla just laughed at me... i have no idea why i just said that.. it was funny though.. "that was the shiznet!" haha.. (matchbox 20 - push) good song.. i fuckin hate the high school.. cant wait till i graduate.. cant wait till my 18th b.day because my dad might get me a tattoo.. and im gonna beg my mother to get my lebret pierced.. (soil - halo) VERY good song.. god, im annoying myself.. . .. . ..... .. . . . . .... ... ... . . . ...... . . . . ... . . . . .. .

i am so worried.. i hope it isnt true (only certain ppl know what im talking about)... today was Jessica's birthday, it was purty fun... i put cake in her face.. haha.. and Sam and Aaron threw her in the pool.. and she drove sam's truck.. we all about died! but it was great.. KaCey is in Tulsa until sunday afternoon... so i dont really got anything to do... :( ... oh well :p i'll live.. anyways.. okay, im gonna go.. i forgot what all i was about to say..................

i love this song!
"up on the rooftops, listening to punk rock, nobody believed us, this could be our one shot" man, im tired.. i went to bed after 2:30 and woke up at 10:30 thats not enough sleep.. lol.. oh well.. i've gotten lot less than that.. this summer sux ass.. i wish i lived alone in my own house (kacey can come and live with me) but i hate having to watch my brother.. it sux.. drugs are bad! haha.. sex is bad also!!! haha.. thats the worst of them all.. big things can come from little things like that.. (oh god, that sounded horrible..) lol.. man, this song reminds me of the time i was going out with this dude named jonathan, he was so fuckin hot! i mean, id ont know.. but he was like a jock kinda guy.. iono..... anyways its a good song though.. its like a love song.. i havent heard it in along time.. yeah, anyways.. im gonna go i feel really sick.. and im gonna go and take a shower.. bye

i learned a few new words.. yay!
Recumbent means relaxed.. wooohu!.. anyways.. SCHOOL IS FINALLY OUT!!! this year went by alot faster than my freshman year.. hmmm, oh well.. my hair looks so freakin awesome today!!.. 6 days and me and kacey will have been together for 5 months.. it would be longer but no, i had to be stupid and break up with him the first time.. lol.. this is a good song (verve pipe - the freshman) wow, this guy just said he is going to kill me, first hes going to rape me then kill me.. and he laughed about it.. and i said wow, i cant wait.. and i said when and he said now, im right out your window.. and i said yeah, okay.. stupid ass.. lol he is one of my friends so yeah.. but im going to leave now.. because i forgot what i was going to say.. byeeee

im tired... i woke up 30 minutes ago.
I hurt myself today
to see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
the only thing that's real
the needle tears a hole
the old familiar sting
try to kill it all away
but I remember everything
what have I become
my sweetest friend
everyone I know goes away in the end
and you could have it all
my empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt
I wear this crown of shit
upon my liar's chair
full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair
beneath the stains of time
the feelings disappear
you are someone else
I am still right here
what have I become
my sweetest friend
everyone I know
goes away in the end
and you could have it all
my empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt
if I could start again
a million miles away
I would keep myself
I would find a way....


this is me and my friend mohammed's song..

whoa.. i havent wrote in here for an hour.. oh well.. i just downloaded the new yahoo messenger.. the BETA version.. its kinda kewl.. but yeah, i forgot was i was going to say. so bye...

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Age at death	102
Type of sex you die during	Woman on top
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Favorite Color
Gender
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Your Name
Your Gender (m/f)
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Username
Age
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Name:
You will conquer:	the United States of America (except for Texas).
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Your Enforcers will be:	Orcs (millions of them! nothing beats orcs!).
Your first act as ruler:	Hire Stephen Spielberg to direct a movie about your life story.
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Name
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Your first full name
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Username
Favorite Color
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your name
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Sex
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Age
Gender
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age
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Name
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im tired and i have a headache.. not a good mix.
my name is finally on the list, so i dont have to pay now.. woot!.. i have a headache..

I Love KaCey Rockett Forever

i really have nothing to say. so yeah, im going to bed.

no. yes. maybe. i dont know.
okay, i cant talk.. im leaving. but i finally sent in my 2 dollars! i told ya i was gonna send it today.. lol.. anyways im going to kaceys bye!

im bored.
hmm.. donno.. i have nothing to say really. i just wanted to put an entry in.. i hope i send in that 2 dollars soon enough.. well i hope it gets there soon enough.. hmm.. maybe ill go and send it tomorrow.. yeah, that sounds good.. i guess.. iono.. man, kacey went to see Van Helsing tonight with john for his birthday, and i was gonna ask him to go with me this weekend to see it.. hmm.. oh well.. he said he will go and see it again.. if not, then oh well. i wont see it.. i wanna see kacey.. im gonna go.. i love you kacey!!! byeee..

what does optimistic mean anyways?
Yo. "expecting the best in this best of all possible worlds" thats what optimistic means.. i just looked it up.. um.. i dont know if im optimisitc? am i? i dont know.. anyways oh well. today is a weird day. im freakin hungry and i want to go home and sleep[wink wink]. i cant wait till 3:30 i finally get my hair cut. i have been waiting for a long ass time. im gonna get it thinned, straighted, and trimmed. thank god. i wanna put some color in my hair, but i dont know what color. hmm.. oh well. we have a long time in here, 15 mins!!! wooo.. lol it will go by slow. im leaving. bye

blah
today has been a bad day already, i have found out something. i never wanted to find out about me. well i dont know if its true, its just i think. and i dont know. i just nevermind. i have only told one person about this. and i hope and pray to god [if there is one] that she doesnt tell a single soul. im gonna try and forget about it, and hope that it isnt true. i have been such an ass to kacey today i think. at the pep rally me and whitey were talking and laughing. but me and kacey werent, we hardly talked at all. and him and john were talking, so i was like okay, ill talk to whitey.. and yeah.. lol. my back is soooo soar. well, my whole body is soar. it sux. we have alot of time left in this class, damn it. whoa, i just got a cold chill. thats weird, because its freakin hot in here. at the pep rally i took whiteys permenent marker and wrote IM GAY on his arm.. lol it was funny. today i get to go to kaceys house right after school, thank god i dont have to go home. i dont wanna go home, its boring. and i have a feeling im probably going to get introuble because im already short tempered today, and when i go home its gonna be hell. im gonna get yelled at and everything. last night i about got introuble because chad got me some nasty shit from sonic, he knows i never have gotten cheesy tots or whatever they are called.. their fuckin gross.. lol well not that gross. but still. but i gave him the dirtyest look ever [donno how to spell] when he handed them to me. anyways. i dont know what more to say. man, i need to send two dollars. i just read about it. see i read about how people need to send two dollars and all that shit. but i never knew what they were talking about. but now im like, OH! maybe if i read things you know. well i need to go, we have like 5 mins left or something like that. bye. i love kacey forever and always.
-heather

worried, yes.. im worried about everything.
man.. i havent felt like this in along time(i dont know how to explain it, just my inner feelings about things)..

anyways.. tomorrow im going to the movies.. hopefully whitey will be able to go.. then im gonna ask alot of other people to go.. we are gonna go and see mean girls!!!! wooo.. lol.......... that was funny i said some mushy shit to whitey and he logged offline.. and i left him an offline messege saying "all that mushy shit scared you away, i dont blame you.. lol" it was funny.. and then he logged back online.. yeah.. said his computer screwed up.. well yeah im outta here.. bye i love kacey very much! (....*inside thought**....)

hi.
Guess what!?!?! Scott told Myranda that he misses me and to tell me he says hi.. when she told me that i was happy for the rest of the day.. because i had thought he forgot all about me.. he isnt coming down this summer, so no telling when the next time i will ever get to see or talk to him. it would be nice to talk to him again or hear from him.. hmm.. i need to get my mind off of him, i love kacey.. man.. nevermind.. i just dont know anymore.. i feel.. like i dont know nevermind.. i just wanted to say hello.. and i have to go because i cant think straight.. bye

this is me and kaceys song..
i feel like kacey has been lieing alot.. hey, if you see or hear anything.. please let me know.. im not acusing him of anything.. but i have been getting stong feelings about it hear lately.. and i dont know.. i feel bad because i wrote him an email.. i was really pissed off in the email.. and i dont know.. maybe i overreacted to the situation.. okay, what happened was well we was on the phone and it was 11:40pm.. and he goes "me and sam are gonna go drop by my cousins house" okay, does that sound suspecious or am i just imagining it?.. i dont know.. he might of been telling the truth.. but still.. i have been feeling like this, and that did NOT make me feel anybetter..
kacey is my life, my friend, my companion, my love, my everything.. yes, that is very cheesy but its what i feel, and what i feel is very true..
i have been talking to jake.. and you know, i dont understand him.. he has done sooo much for me as a friend and i feel like i have done nothing.. i have turned my back on him so many times.. i have treated him sooo badly.. and he is still the same.. i guess thats what you call a true friend, right? i told him thank you for being there and everything.. cuz he is, hes always got my back, no matter what.. and i told him.. even though i may not act like it.. i care about him, and i love him as a friend.. me and him have been through so much.. and a simple little thing broke us apart.. and i also reinsured him that he is still my best friend.. cuz i knew he thought i didnt think of him like that anymore.. i have turned my back on him to many times..
this is a good song, BLINK 182 - I'M LOST WITHOUT YOU..
man i have the worst headache ever.. i have been wanting ibprophen since this morning.. but i still havent went and got it.. its sitting right over there by my door.. but im just to damn lazy.. lol..
i keep thinking about kacey.. i dont ever want to lose him, how many times have i said that? i dont know.. i just feel like he is going to leave me for someone better, MUCH better.. earlier i asked jake if he thought kacey would ever leave me for someone better and this was his response.. "u know what i was going to say something i dont think he would leave u for anything or anyone if he does u can kill me with all ur anger but i really doubt he'll leave u Heather theres no one better then u ur funny active nice all the things u can think of that i cant right now"..... i just dont want to get hurt again like i have in the past relationships i have been in.. i want him to be different.. i want to stay with him forever.. i dont want him to leave me like everyone did.. or anything to end up like it has in the past.. i love him with all my heart.. and i'd do anything for him.. and i mean anything.. i use to be unsure about that, but i now know the answer..
me and jakes convo...........
Jake:
so what r u thinkin bout?
Heather:
about kacey leaving me..
Heather:
**about kacey leaving me and finding someone better..........
Heather:
**New and better
Jake:
he wont leave u
Heather:
god, i hope not
Jake:
theres not anyone better than u
Heather:
yes.. there is...
Jake:
nope
Jake:
i dont think there is
Jake:
it be ok
Jake:
just dont think bout it
Heather:
alright.. ill try not to
Jake:
ok good
Jake:
ull be ok

anyways.. im gonna go.. its 1:15am and i want sleep.. and while im up hopefully ill remember to get the ibprophen.. lol.. byee

im tired.
im soo tired, i had to get up at 5:15 and come back home cuz my dad called me over at lauras house and told me to come home and watch aaron cuz he had to go to work.. so i came home.. fell back asleep about 5:45 or something.. and woke up at 11.. ahhhh! lol i feel like shit.. and right now i have the stupid hiccups.. not helping my stomach.. and i have a headache, and my neck hurts.. rrrraaaaaaw...... lol... gurupo.. hardyharhar.. man.. this hiccups are so gay.. i hate these things.. lol.. anyways... blah.. last night i was at kaceys from 5:30-9:00.. it was fun.. i love being with him.. i have a good playlist playing.. HHHHEEEEEEEEEEEEE... lol.. anyways.. yeah.. blah. blah. blah... im gonna go over to my mothers house real fast.. so uhhh.. bye