dmlxoxo
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2006 12 February :: 2.49pm
:: Mood: angry
NEWSFLASH: i am not a doormat.
i resent the fact that people think i'm weak- because i'm not.
just because i'm an easy target doesnt mean that i'm not strong enough to hold my own. fuck it, i do it all the time, just people don't see it. just because people make fun of me and tease me all the time and i refuse to say stuff back to them doesn't mean im too weak to deal with it. i deal with it inside, i let it weigh me down, and i spin it apart inside me until i can unburden myself.
thats just my nature. i can't talk back and say mean things in my defense that i don't mean. its not me to just say shit to someone's face just to make them mad because they made me mad first. and as stupid as this may seem, no matter how much i take, i just keep on taking, sometimes even without considering ever hurting the person for retaliation.
to tell you the truth though, i'm sick of it. its tiring to go through each day with certain people making sure that you don't say things so you can be safe from the mocking. there are some people that i can't even be myself around anymore, and having to act in front of them makes me upset. i shouldn't have to mask who i really am just to save myself from being beat up on.
there are people who look for things to make fun of in me, and they admit to it too. they've flat out told me that they make fun of me more than they tease other people because i'm the easy target who doesn't fight back. but i know, just as others who know me well know, that one of these days i'm going to be pushed too far. and then, everything that ive been dealing with inside all along will come out. the walls will break down and it'll crash damn hard onto whoever it is that pushes the wrong button. so much has been pent up the whole time, i just don't understand why people feel the need to take advantage of the nice guys. just because i'm an easy target doesn't mean that you have to take advantage of that. i am not a doormat, and i do not want to be walked all over. it may come off as vulnerablility, it may come off as a weakness, but its really not, you all just don't see whats going on underneath the surface, you don't know whats been brewing for years.
and one of these days i'm going to be pushed off the deep end, and the shit's going to hit the fan. its only a matter of time.
1 bought a ticket to |
the end of the rainbow
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goobs827
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2006 25 January :: 8.48pm
One Year...
In contracts, dollars
In funerals, in births
In 525,600 minutes
How do you figure a last year in earth?
Figure in love.
Rest.In.Peace.<3
the end of the rainbow
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goobs827
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2006 9 January :: 7.27pm
"The religion of the future will be a cosmic religion. It should transcend a personal God and avoid dogmas and theology. Covering both the natural and the spiritual, it should be based on a religious sense arising from the experience of all things, natural and spiritual as a meaningful unity. If there is any religion that would cope with modern scientific needs, it would be Buddhism."
~Albert Einstein
Buddhism is the shit
here's to hoping my immune system doesn't kill me!
the end of the rainbow
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dmlxoxo
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2006 9 January :: 5.46pm
:: Mood: crushed
:: Music: #41
just something i wrote, exactly how i feel right now....
i sit at the big round table, staring straight into your eyes,
they absorb me, and i get lost in them quickly;
i can never penetrate that poker face.
stiff and still, i trust it always, without reason-
but hope: hope that this will be the time it's worth the risk.
i can only play the cards that i've been dealt.
please see the beauty in what they are.
and if you should win me over, do with them what you will,
but do remember to handle with care.
so many times i've laid my heart out on the table,
diamonds and spades insignificant in the game of love,
nestle it gently among the rest of your hand,
safe and sound- if only the cards weren't to be shuffled.
keep in mind, this is a game: i try to remember
with the queen of hearts in my hand-
"fold, fold, before you lose out, its all or nothing and both come at a cost..."
but somehow to me it's worth the gamble; 100 losses are worth the chances of a single win.
2 bought a ticket to |
the end of the rainbow
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goobs827
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2005 7 December :: 4.45pm
this is one of the best songs i've ever heard in my life...
Time And Time Again
by Chronic Future
Inspiring, shining, rising
And when you're in my way
I'm not dividing me from you cause we're working together
Perfect in its splendor like the currents of the weather
The splinter in my center hindering all of my pleasure
Is me manifested as you in this endeavor
Once responsibility is taken I can render
Experience to be however I want to remember
Time and time again we fall in to the depths of who we are
But you can't keep running away from what you're trying to find
Put yourself through the scariest of scenarios
Enter experiences you normally wouldn't dare to go
It's all for the character and the arogant afterglow
Of knowing it's appearance according to your patterns of growth
And what your parents handed down to you to handle
Make sure you carry torches when they're puttin out your candles
Prediction can be unkind but unwind them still
Don't erase the part of you that's responsible for your will
Time and time again we fall into the depths of who we are
But you can't keep running away from what you're trying to find
Well I've seen you and those things you do
And the way you hide that shadow can't be good for you
Your dark defines your light
There's some utterly damaged particles to deal with
And if I stutter I'm sorry but it's hard to feel swift
When stuck in my stomach is a cannon ball anchor to life
I've been pushing it down pretending it doesn't exist
Well this is what happens when you're pissed about being pissed
You dig yourself so deep you resist just to resist
And there's no way to get back experiences you missed
So start right now today and risk furiousness for bliss
Time and time again we fall into the depths of who we are
But you can't keep running away from what you're trying to find
the end of the rainbow
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canthandleit
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2005 28 November :: 7.24pm
:: Music: nothing
thats it
i am so sick of everything right now..not to mention how HORRIBLe shit with my mom is..i cannot deal with so many people right now..and you complain when i don't make an effort and then i start making an effort and you talk about me behind my back and don't want me to be there..and surprisingly shit like that hurts me..because maybe you don't like me so much now..im not so sure if you even know me anymore but i don't feel like it's too late until suddenly im there in an awkward situation and i realize that any effort now is just worthless..i hate this so much..i hate to think it's too late..and i hate to feel on the outside so much..at least pretend you still like me..its bad enough that i feel replaced..and maybe its completely my fault but now that i'm trying to make up for it there's just no use..i dunno..im so fed up with everything..i just needed to vent..i wish people were still here for me..theres a small few i can rely on..oh and if you ever need me..ill still be here
cheri
1 bought a ticket to |
the end of the rainbow
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goobs827
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2005 26 November :: 3.50pm
:: Mood: hopeful
i <3 brand new
I've got desperate desires and unadmirable plans
My tongue will taste of gin and malicious intent
Bring you back to the bar
Get you out of the cold
A sober, straight face gets you out of your clothes
And they're scared that we'll know
All the crimes they'll commit
Who they'll kiss before they get home
I will lie awake
Lie for fun and fake the way I hold you
Let you fall for every empty word I say
Barely conscious in the door where you stand
Your eyes are fighting sleep while your mouth makes its demands
You laugh at every word trying hard to be cute
I almost feel sorry for what I'm going to do
And your hair smells of smoke
Who will cast the first stone?
You can sin or spend the night all alone
Brass buttons on your coat hold the cold
In the shape of a heart that they cut out of stone
You're using all your looks that you've thrown from the start
If you let me have my way I swear I'll tear you apart
Cause it's all you can be
You're a drunk and you're scared
It's ladies night, all the girls drink for free
the end of the rainbow
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goobs827
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2005 8 November :: 10.08pm
"Character is like a tree and reputation like its shadow. The shadow is what we think of it; the tree is the real thing...that if at the end, when I come to lay down the reins of power, I have lost every other friend on earth, I shall at least have one friend left, and that friend shall be down inside me."
~Abraham Lincoln~
the end of the rainbow
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canthandleit
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2005 4 November :: 4.24pm
duz everyone feel this alone?
the end of the rainbow
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dmlxoxo
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2005 3 November :: 10.43pm
:: Mood: cranky
so pretty much, i fell off the face of the woohu earth without even realizing it.
i have so much to say and i just have kept putting it off because it keeps piling up and i dont even know where to begin, so for now, ill keep it short and sweet just to bring myself back into the world.
it was just tonight while talking to steph online when i remembered that this was somewhere to express my emotions, a real outlet (not as if i didnt already know that), but she made me reread one of my posts and i started to tear. its amazing how logging emotions and parts of life into this thing can be so strong. i completely forgot about half the stuff i wrote from last year:
POINT PROVEN- i need this, because if reading something from just 6 months ago could affect me so much, i cant imagine what ill do when im 20 and i read this stuff from high school.
its more powerful than we all think.
anyway, im back.
1 bought a ticket to |
the end of the rainbow
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