life is a highway...
i havent written in this thing in the longest time, i guess thats not an unfamiliar concept to our woohu world, though. i keep on waiting until i have something to write about, and finally, i do.
as far as lives go, mines been pretty damn good all these years. as far as lives go lately, i find that statement fits well also. i think this is due to a bunch of things, but mainly because there has been such a turn around in terms of how i treat myself. since the beginning of last july, i had no idea how to respect myself in terms of guys. i went the first fifteen years of my life waiting and expecting my prince charming to come and sweep me off my feet to some far off happily-ever-after. finally i realized that that was never going to happen, at least not any time soon, so i started to just hook up with a bunch of different guys that i liked, yet every time, my heart was broken. i guess deep down inside i was still holding out for my soul mate, and just decided that by handing my heart out to every guy i had a slight attraction to. time after time i would be pushed to the ground, and time after time id stand up and let it happen again. it wasnt that i was naiive to what was happening, it was just that i simply didnt care, to me at the time, the chance of emotional pain was minimal compared to the chance of happiness. i had no respect formyself and didnt even realize this was the case. the turning point was jlew. i let him do it to me too. but unlike all the other boys that i let take advantage of me, somewhere along the line i got fed up with being a doormat. after jlew, i was hesitant to do anything until i figured out exactly what it was that i wanted and needed, and eventually, i did. recently ive harvested the fruits of my experience. i took the things ive learned from my mistakes and realized that all i really need is someone i care about and trust, and the ability to take things at a steady pace without rushing and obsessing. still, more important yet, as soon as i realized this i found it in someone. things with jon have been so awesome lately. ive found that happy medium in him, but more than anything ive found that trust that ive never encountered before in any other guy. i can be myself around him without thinking twice about what im doing and making sure that its considered acceptable or normal, just as long as its "danielle". when the time is right to fully and completely hand my heart over to him, ill have no problem with it at all, i know he'll handle my heart with care and i know hes the one i want to have it.
while ive found such an incredible balance and completeness in my life with jon, ive been struggling with other relationships in my life a lot lately....namely, my mother. we've always had a rough relationship in terms of communication and sometimes treatment of eachother, but lately things have been worse than usual. while on the outside to all of my friends, she seems like the sweetest woman, and she is to them, to me and my dad she feels like she doesnt have to try to be nice around us. shes always struggled with the problem of knowing how to deal with anger, and everything, every little thing she says comes out with an attitude or ends (and starts) in a screaming war. according to my dad, shes always been this way. her mother was this way to her, and now shes the same way as her mother was. time after time we've told her "its not what you say, its how you say it" but nothing ever gets through to her. she doesnt listen to what you have to say, because when her mind is made up, sometimes its best to just give up and forget everything that you wanted when dealing with her.
im sick of doing that, though. im sick of not doing things i want to do because its easier to not argue with her. im sick of watching her run certain aspects of me and my dad's lives because theres no other way to deal with her.
she also claims that shes my friend. as far as im concerned, thats the biggest load of crap ive ever heard. if she was my friend, she wouldnt treat me like she does. if she was my friend, she would be nice to me. if she was my friend, she wouldnt just assume that i have to like her because she has to be in my life so she doesnt have to try to treat me nicely. but shes wrong. she has to try. because to tell you the truth, if i werent her daughter i wouldnt like her. i dont like her a lot of times. i think this partially comes from the fact that i dont understand her. the woman is scared of everything. its what holds her back from the world and what holds me in from a lot of things. on the top of her list is people. the reason she loves animals so much, i think at least, is because of their inability to hurt her emotionally and their need to be cared for. theres nothing to be scared of, they dont have the capacity to hurt people, and they cant tell her shes wrong or go against her. because they need her. she's scared of everything, i dont understand how anyone could go through life fearing everything, always asking "what if..." and always considering the worst case scenario and assuming that its a possibility. what kind of a life is that?
my dad kind of wants to go for counseling, considering shes never going to change. thats so hard for me, because she took after her mother...and i dont want to travel down that road.
with every good, comes some bad, i guess life cant be completely perfect at any time.
5.
4.
3.
2.
1.
"cause everybody knows you've got to breathe..."-dmb
::
2005 1 April :: 5.20pm
:: Music: system of a down~byob
friday afternoon music fest for me..
15 songs that are completely perfect:
The Academy Is~Classifieds
TAI~Slow Down
TAI~Down and Out
Brand New~The Quiet Things That No One Ever Knows
Coheed & Cambria~Favour House Atlantic
Fall Out Boy~Tell that Mick He Just Made My List of Things to do Today
FOB~Nobody Puts Baby in the Corner
MCR~Drowning Lessons
MCR~Hang 'Em High
Taking Back Sunday~Cute Without the E
The Used~Blue & Yellow
The Used~Let it Bleed
The Used~Buried Myself Alive
No Doubt~Spiderwebs
No Doubt~Sunday Morning
holy crap---last time i updated was...a really long time ago.
its not that i havent been doing it because im "too busy" or "i forgot", its actually quite the opposite, ive been wracking my brain for something to write about and i got nothing. i dont know what it is, my life hasnt been painfully boring or anything lately, just that i find theres nothing for me to write about when i sit down to do it, but i guess ill just give it a go, some random stuff thatll make for a bad entry:
-today i finally got the fruit of my hard work--an a- on my euro essay. thank god for small favors, possibly getting a c for the quarter now?
-dont u just love when you come across people who are 100% genuinely good hearted, nice people? and even better, when you realize that you dont have to seek them out, but that theyre already in your world? i love when you find people like that, when you find that genuinely good person in someone you've always had around. and its not even that i didnt know that side existed, because i always did, but for some reason i just find it shining through more lately. sometimes i feel totally blessed by the people around me--its a wondeerful feeling.
as far as im concerned, this weekend could not come any sooner. and we've only been in school for 2 days. and look at that, only 2 more to go....i can do it, right??
maybe one of these days this writers block will relieve itself and ill come up with something better than this crap that i just wrote
xoxoxdml
fun music game!!! FINISHED*****
i listened to my itunes on random shuffle for 20 songs and wrote down my favorite lyric from each song below.
guess the name of the song by the given lyric and i'll write who guessed correctly...
(btw i accidently deleted this post so all the comments are gone but erica had the page open before i deleted it so i got the lyrics back)
;)
GO FOR IT! anyone...comment away!!!
1) She's moving way too fast and all he wanted was to hold her **Sic Transit Gloria...Glory Fades by Brand New, ELIZABETH**
2) Cos my momma taught me better than that! **Survivor by Destiny's Child, HILARY**
3) We're both such magnificent liars so crush me baby i'm all ears **You Know How I Do by Taking Back Sunday, ERICA**
4) Everything just seemed so clear to me, nothing left to know
I'll love you right and I'll love you pure, right now **Cigarette by Yellowcard**
5) this is the hardest thing i've ever had to do, telling you the woman i love, that i'm having a baby with a woman i barely even know **Confessions by Usher, DANIELLE**
6) But your joy ride just came down in flames cos your greed sold me out of shame **Fighter by Christina Aguilera, LAUREN**
7) and will your love keep burning baby, burn a hole right through my eyes, i think i might just just trust you maybe but i'm not sure **Lunacy Fringe by The Used**
8) All of my life, I've longed to discover something as true as this is **I'll Cover You from RENT, HILARY**
9) She's got a life of her own and it shows by the benz she drives at 90 by the barbies and kens **To The End by My Chemical Romance, ELIZABETH**
10) Cos I'm young and I'm black and my hat's real low? Do i look like a mind reader sir, i dun know! **99 Problems by Jay-Z, LIZ**
11) Shine on diamond eyes, separate the space between love and lies,
and as days go by the memories remain, I'll wait for you **The Transition by Hawthorne Heights, LIZ**
12) Why would I want to destroy something I helped build? **Like Toy Soldiers by Eminem, DANIELLE**
13) You'll listen to reason while you're face down in the dirt, you'll stomach the hurt, and break for him here, just how much he's worth **Three Evils by Coheed and Cambria, LIZ**
14) I know what nobody knows, where it comes and where it goes, I know it's everybody's sin, you gotta lose to know how to win **Dream on by Aerosmith, ERICA**
15) And I'm here to remind you of the mess you left when you went away, it's not fair to deny me of the cross i bear that you gave to me **You Oughta Know by Alanis Morisette, ERICA**
16) Everybody do the propaganda, and say hello to the age of paranoia **American Idiot by Green Day, DANIELLE**
17) Tryin to find a pigment of truth beneath my skin **Come Clean by Hilary Duff, HILARY**
18) I wanna hang onto something, that won't break away or fall apart, like the pieces of my heart **Globes and Maps by Something Corporate, LIZ**
19) And the bags are much too heavy in my insecure conditon, my pregnant mind is fat full with envy **Bathwater by No Doubt, LIZ**
20) Believe me when I say that I've got something for his punk ass **Santeria by Sublime, LIZ**
...Didn't think anyone would get 4 or 7 so I just filled em in myself...
nice work though people!
there are times when you get yourself so worked up over something that you say things you don't mean. we all know it happens, and this is not me trying to excuse myself from the things i wrote in the previous entry.
after getting all of those comments, i just went back and reread what i wrote and swear to god that i didnt even remember half the things i said because a lot of it was my rushing emotions talking, not me. i sounded like a pompous asshole. and for that i'm sorry. i didn't mean to pass judgement on anyone, especially people im friends with, and for that, im sorry too. because i dont even believe half of the things i wrote when im thinking straight.
gabi was right on target. i need to work on fixing what could potentially be wrong with me and her and not get so scared that i throw my problems and point fingers to other people. i put the entire weight of my fears on my other friends, and offended them in the process, and did so without even realizing this.
but all of this stems out of where she and i used to be, not even the drinking, but the fact that when we were little, it wasnt her and me, it was her and someone else. and i wanted to badly to be her best friend, to have the best friendship they had with eachother. but they would push me away and make fun of me, and be mean to me. and last year when i lost her this whole not being wanted thing resurfaced. you all have your siblings and other constants in your lives, but shes all i have. you know ur siblings will always be there for you, and thats who she is to me, but for me, i have the chance of losing her. and thats a scary reality.
im sorry to anyone i offended, you're all important to me, just remember that.
