this is a lesson in procrastination, i kill myself because i'm so frustrated

everyone has been tired at one time or another, not tired like sleepy. but tired like mentally & emotionally. i'm tired. i'm tired of routine, i'm tired of waiting for things to change, & if your reading this, its not just about you. ( you know who you are ) i just need a change in pace, maybe that will happen when school ends. i live for the day when i get out. i need a break from everything, i'm so sick of school.

i'm also losing hope, but hope can get you in trouble. because if you have hope in someone or for something, & it fails then your disappointed. & then theres false hope, hope that wasn't there to begin with, where you had no chance but you convince yourself that it will come true, or happen. then its just pointless to have hope for anything. the only thing hope gets you is dissapointment & sadness. but, there is the rare occasions where what you hope for prevails. i don't bother with hope from here on out. fuck hope!

faith.......now faith is different, but not really. there is no false faith, cause faith is something you should always have in yourself. faith isn't as dangerous. if you say for example that you have faith in someone to make you proud. thats still not the same as hope. because even if that person doesn't make you proud, thats alright because its not you, you still have yourself, & hopefully you can do what will make yourself proud. because your the only person that knows exactly what you want. & if we are determinted enough then faith in yourself will help you achieve whatever it is.

then sometimes we don't know what we want, & that leads me back to my point. theres so many questions, that can't be answered. some never will be answered, & some can be answered, but answered too late. if you had known what you know now, you never would of done the things you had done, that even at the time you didn't know was a mistake, that you would regret it. that there was a better way to do it, or not do it at all. but we can't read the future. thats life tho i guess, we all have to learn for ourselves, & answer our own questions. some people have help. i don't have help anymore. it's gone. it's been gone since last year. the only person that i would trust enough to even ask for help & end up with the results that i wanted, you know learning the easy way, not the hard way: first hand, is gone. all i think is " what would she do, or tell me to do, or say? " but thats hard, because i wouldn't have to ask if i knew for sure would i?

i wish i could tell the future. even more tho, i wish i could rewind, & do it all over again differently, knowing what i know now. i know things would be different. it's like the butterfly effect, that movie was more than a movie for me, that was an awakening. but what if i ended up like him, when he goes back to make things better, it changes for the worst everytime no matter what he does. the lesson is you can't change the past. whats happened is happened & what is done is done. regrets & mistakes it doesn't matter. things happen for a reason. you have to take the good with the bad. & what i do know is true, & it will never prove me wrong is: everything bad that happens, something good comes out of it. it's proven itself time & again, maybe not always right away, but every choice you make, every movement, every breath of air you breathe leads to what is to come next. its all a design or a pattern what ever you wanna call it, doesn't matter, it is true.

the key, is time. which is taking forever in my case. i wanna give it time, see what happens. but things are taking a long time to change, or look up. i don't like drama, but even drama would be a change. it's just getting old, i've put up with it because i feel like its something i have to do, like if i don't i'll be letting people down. i've been waiting for someone else to change what needs to be changed. but it hasn't occured. it's looking more everyday like i'm gonna be the one who has to make the change, & the choice i make might be drastic, or it might not if i figure out another solution. but like the above said, it will alter everything, & potentially change my entire life.


every stupid melody to every stupid song, & every stupid word that everybodys hanging on. what difference does this difference in age make? i know how it ends, kill me quick.

¿Hey did you get some?