Hmm...condoms...hmmm tasteful...hmmm feathers....
well well well

i just thought a lot today about a lot of things...well we all live to die....i know obvious...but i mean why live now...whats the point if living when we are all going to die and then go somwhere where we dont know...do we remember what happens in our life...i doubt it...we all go through hell and happiness and moments and few loves and blah blah...wahts the point of all taht...hmm die...hehe i just think life is pointless...why bother living...its not like im going to kill myself...i got to see what happens i guess...see whats the point of life...whats the point of everything...i just dont want to die right now i guess...i do but then i dont...i need answers really bad...like why are we here...what are we all doing...does our actions really count...where do we go after we die...do we remember...do we get recarnated...just a bunch of shit...bunch of questions...and bunch of bullshit i guess...thats what we live for bullshit...bullshit that solves nothing...life is nothing...hmm...

new topic...im scared to live...i dont think ill ever get married and have kids....i dont trust anyone at all...just the fact of love and what it means...i dont get it...another useless thing...love gets you no where...you can love somone so much but it doesnt work..whats the point of loving them then..i just dont want to hurt anyone i guess...thats going to be life story...the women who doest take chances because she is too scared...so im the crazy lonely lady that lives on the corner with lots of cats...i mean a lot of people have told me that im going to live with a lot of cats...i dont know why...im going to end up with nothing in life but myself and a career...because i wont find someone...thats me for sure...i just dont like risks and chances and i dont trust things...hmm means im fucked doesnt it...plus ill end up hurting someone...dont want that on my chest...i just dont know...i cant get close to anyone ethier...when i do i run and hide in a corner...the idea of being close and actually caring for someone scares the fuck out of me...i dont know...i noticed i say that a lot...i guess i know nothing...hmm im used to that...

on to another topic...i talked to alex a lot today...hmm we have been close again...yea me and him have lots of history and stuff during 8th grade and freshman year...now he comes over like every other day and we just chill...he is a great guy...my mom thinks he is in love with me...cause he keeps tryin to hit on me and stuff...and trys to kiss up to my rents...and my mom told me that he has some look for me like i love her or something...im like aww...yea he tells me im beautiful all the time...i mean im just sitting there looking like a mess and he just tells me that...im like awww...he is a sweetheart...i just didnt expect me and him back to be being friends and stuff...cause we drifted for a bit then i saw him at the fair and the next day he shows up on my doorsteps and then the next day breaks up with his girlfriend...he asked me last night what i think about him and i just couldnt answer...im a scardy cat...i dont know we are getting too close and stuff...it worries me like crazy.;..thaimi thinks i should dump marcos for alex but i cant do that...i dont know.l..like i said before i didnt expect this stuff to happen...and like right now i miss him for dumb reason...i just dont get it...i dont get him...i mean i speak to him on the phone and he just knows when im smiling and he tells me things and its like aww...i dont know how you can tell when a person is smiling on the phone...its odd...well i guess im going to go...lots to read...lots of thinking here...so bye bye...hopefully ill write again...i really dont knw anymore...lets see where life takes us...hehe bye

quick update...thaimi made comment about lobster...hehe look..its soo cute...referring to alex btw...i just dont know anything...yup thats me...
EmoAndAlone16: my lobster?
babaloo181: well lemme tell u
babaloo181: pheobe was talkin bout ross and rachel
babaloo181: and she was like they have to be together cuz hes her lobster......and she said that lobsters only have one mate for the rest of their life....they have other ones.....and then they meet one.....and that one lobster is the one they r meant to be with....that one lobster is the lobster that understands them and loves them....and cares for them......and she said that lobsters all grow old wit the same mate..
EmoAndAlone16: man i think alex is my lobster...thats the sad thing
babaloo181: no that's a great thing....and the thing is....no matter whether u break up wit marcos now or not....he's always gonna be rite there....cuz if he truly is ur lobster...it'll just work itself out

now look waht jerrica tells me:
Venubian424: there is a certain type of penguin who go their whole lives waiting for that other penguin so that they can make love and once they see eachother they just know and stay todgether their whole lives