and in the still of the night, all is certainly not ok..
well i haven't written in here since december.. and honestly i didnt think i would ever use this stupid thing ever again. but i needed somewhere to vent because there's so much going on with me rite now and not a single person that i can tell it all to. for the sake of saving myself even more drama.. some things i will choose to leave out because i doubt if anyone reads this piece of shit anyway but better safe than sorry.

We're done. officially and for good. im not quite sure when everything just started heading downhill but it did. he was one of the best things that ever happened to me. i loved him, wholeheartedly and honestly. but if nothing else this relationship has taught me that even when i say i forgive, i can't help but never forget. that one instance, minute as it may seem now, changed me. i dont give a fuck who i hurt now. i dont care about cheating, i dont trust anyone, not even myself. i am changed. i can lie straight through my teeth now without a single worry and i hate that this is the person i have become.

i hope that someday in the future we may cross paths again and be able to greet each other with nothing more than a smile. and laugh .. and reminisce about how we were young idiots in love. true innocent love. and i dont know what's wrong with me but just writing this down is bringing me to tears.

i worry far too much. i check up on him .. i know i shouldn't. i know i have no business doing so but i do. i wish he hadn't returned to that lifestyle. by his own account, this month he has smoked cigarettes, weed, and drunk more alcohol than he knows wat to do with. he continues to assert, however, that he is indeed happy. im so hurt by this. i thought he had truly changed but wat the fuck was i thinking. how dare i think that i could have such an impact on someone's life. im fucking selfish and i know it. i wanna contact him. ask him wat the fuck he's doing with his life.. ask him if he's doing this purposely to make me feel the way i'm feeling now. but i know i won't. he asked me to let him be. and i will. i dont want a relationship with him. i know i don't. i spent too many months crying over him, wishing he would stop being so reckless. we were together through so many things. eventhough we're not together, a part of me thought that he would not return to those things because, in some strange way i thought he would think about me and decide not to. what the fuck was i thinking? why should he? ... he has no reason to do so. i mean nothing to him. and as such is true, he should mean nothing to me.

i digress.

i'm scared shitless. i am moving across the country where there will be not a single soul that i recognize. my parents, my friends, everyone.. will be hundreds of miles away. i will have no mode of transportation. i have no idea how i am going to pay for college. the flights back home. i've never even visited the campus. wat if i hate it? wat if i feel so uncomfortable? .. wat if the classes aren't challenging? what happens then? i am genuinely afraid. i just hope everything works out the way it should.

im so angry and frustrated and afraid. i dont know who the fuck to talk to. i dont know wat the fuck to do. i dont know whether or not i should give a fuck about people. i just want to leave. go away. start over. and forget everyone. goodbye.

tonite's song: heroes die by ronnie day

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