::
2023 20 January :: 8.56pm
:: Mood: morose
:: Music: Peter Schilling - Major Tom (Coming Home)
I am divorced, reduced to smoldering rubble, and I want to kill myself. I am beyond consolation, in spite of having a girlfriend who loves me, I feel small and that no one will notice me being dead.
Today, I felt like shit, yet managed to be productive. I am just disciplined enough to crawl out of bed and make ends meet, because if I do not, my wife will be disappointed with me.
Another thing - this journal is now more than 15 years old.
Think about all the asinine shit I've posted and deleted over the years, and live by the example I've set and subsequently covered up - don't do drugs, stay in school if you're pursuing something worth your time, don't start fights, and on occasion, suffer an idiot.
::
2018 4 June :: 12.16pm
:: Mood: determined
:: Music: Cro-mags - Hard Times
Well, I certainly fucked up.
Not exactly doing stellar in tech school, haven't had steady work since the old office booted me (one full year, come the end of the month), and I've been making terrible life decisions and rectifying them in succession since I quit using this old journal. But all in all, it could be worse. Loads of my old friends are in a similar spot, crippled by depression and nagging substance abuse issues (not me, though, who'd have thunk it?), so we're all playing our separate dirges for ourselves as the ship goes down.
However, as of late I've taken a more positive attitude towards the future (fuck off, don't say anything), and with a heaping pile of luck, this will be the conclusion of a decades-long tempering that will end on a cheerful note.
::
2018 20 May :: 2.43am
:: Mood: awake
:: Music: Chelsea Wolfe - Spun
In brief:
I'm in school for HVAC.
I run a smutty art page on Facebook that is slowly gaining in popularity, and gathering a set of new and quirky internet friends from the four corners of the Earth.
I've doubled my dosage of Prozac, and was considering supplementing it with Buspar, but I've since discovered that skullcap (herb) does the same thing, and costs pennies on the dollar.
And, strangely enough, I've integrated my alter ego into my immediate reality, and it has been a boon to my confidence and has had a positive impact on my interactions with strangers. That chap is far more charming than I ever was.
I missed my meds for one day, and it felt as if I had quit smoking (cold turkey) for a week. Or, at the very least, what I feel like when attempting to quit smoking, which is interminable agony and ickiness.
Never again.
My mood is still readjusting to not being morose or pissed off. Now I that I'm aware of how it felt to be me in years past, I don't want to be that person every again.