catatonicsean
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2014 9 January :: 1.55pm
:: Mood: busy
:: Music: Bad Brains - Attitude
After another prolonged bout of self-pity and utter disgust for existence, I've decided that "fate" (as they call it) is out of my hands, and there is nothing I can do to change it.
If I really have to continue on as the lowest common denominator, then so be it.
I just wish there was a way to live that didn't involve being a servile worm that wastes his time whenever he wants to change something about his environment that he finds utterly repulsive, and frankly, retrogressive and base. Of course, you can't make up people's minds for them, and showing them alternatives usually results in sneers and jibs. I hope they like going about their day having no value whatsoever, and being part of a creative scene that accomplishes nothing, and is made fun of by outlying cities.
Fuck it.
Who Judged.
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catatonicsean
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2014 6 January :: 4.22pm
:: Mood: morose
:: Music: Darkthrone - Graven Tĺkeheimens Saler
I give up.
I will always suck, and my existence has been a waste.
Who Judged.
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catatonicsean
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2014 3 January :: 2.33pm
:: Mood: recumbent
:: Music: Tangerine Dream - Ashes to Ashes
I feel tired and old.
I also feel as if I've wasted my existence with all the juvenile nihilism and utter contempt and loathing for anything resembling convention. Makes me wonder what life would have been like had I been a good boy, instead of an arrogant little snot with no regard for anything...
...I imagine the same, only I'd have more friends, my relationships with girls would not be measured in weeks, and I'd be in better physical shape.
Oh, well. Too late. Who cares. Life isn't that bad as it is.
No longer the pessimist, I suppose, but certainly not on the path to being some ditzy pollyanna.
Addendum: My New Year's Resolution for this year is to finish something I start. What, precisely, remains to be seen.
Who Judged.
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catatonicsean
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2013 28 December :: 4.11pm
:: Mood: content
:: Music: Gallhammer - Aloof and Proud Silence
And now I wait as Amazon ships me new records to listen to.
I haven't replenished my collection in many moons, and it will be nice to have new sounds by different groups I haven't included into the repertoire (I'm using that word incorrectly, but I don't care).
Life is good.
Who Judged.
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catatonicsean
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2013 26 December :: 4.13pm
:: Music: Ghost B.C. - Ghuleh/Zombie Queen
It's over. It's finally over.
2 Of Those |
Who Judged.
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catatonicsean
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2013 24 December :: 1.27pm
:: Mood: content
:: Music: Blind Guardian - The Bard's Song
Merry Xmas, or whatever it is that people celebrate.
Happy birthday, Solar Deity that somehow went from Horus to Jesus, and the myriad permutations that came in between, and after, and so on.
Who Judged.
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catatonicsean
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2013 21 December :: 5.24pm
:: Mood: accomplished
:: Music: Bad Brains - Big Takeover
Been sober as a judge for what seems like forever, but it's probably something like two weeks.
No smoking weed, no drinking, and the only remaining vice is smoking cigarettes - for which I still catch flack, but fuck it.
I could be wrong, but I believe this new self-imposed lifestyle is responsible for all the unsual behavior I've been exhibiting lately, but chances are I'm dead wrong, and I'm really a stone freak in reality, and substance abuse assisted in keeping me in line.
Who knows.
Who Judged.
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catatonicsean
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2013 17 December :: 2.08pm
:: Mood: busy
:: Music: Boris - My Neighbor Satan
Hoping to get a job at Home Depot, because I'm finished with occupations that require getting dirty, and going home smelling something fetid.
Home Depot is, as I've heard, a "cushy gig."
Makes little difference...I need to accumulate capitol to enroll in college next year (have never attended, in case you couldn't already tell), and begin the long journey towards becoming a professional recording engineer - I'd like to get paid for my efforts, and I've received quite an education from all my musician friends, with their handing down of equipment and knowledge these past few years.
But have yet to make dime one. Well, no longer shall I be recording anything gratis, only for pay, proper whore that I am.
Who Judged.
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catatonicsean
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2013 16 December :: 3.04pm
:: Mood: apathetic
:: Music: J.S. Bach - Passacaglia and Fugue in C Minor
All's well that ends well.
Who Judged.
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catatonicsean
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2013 14 December :: 4.30pm
:: Mood: pissed off
:: Music: Tangerine Dream - Hyperborea
It's Winter, and the temperature hovers around eighty (fahrenheit).
I want to move to a place that is bleak and cold and sparsely populated, and whoever dwells there is either capable of tolerating my presence, or prepared for a feud that ends when someone dies.
I've run out of cigarettes, and who-so-ever makes eye contact with me will wish they hadn't.
2 Of Those |
Who Judged.
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catatonicsean
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2013 10 December :: 6.47pm
:: Mood: aggravated
:: Music: Black Flag - Damaged II
I hear voices, but not in the hackneyed "I'm fucking batty, and God told me to do it!" sense. More or less, I hear layers of inner monologue screaming and consuling and blathering inanities all at the same time.
This has gone on for years, and most have assumed my lack of attention span is due to some juvenile issue like ADD, or some such nonsense, but it's just a thousand shrieking thoughts fighting for priority. And they can all fuck off, let me tell you.
Things are difficult at this juncture (no shit moron, get on with it), and with external noise compounded with the internal ranting, I'm so damned flustered and ineffective as a person, I figure the proper solution is a bullet in the brain pan, but I don't own a gun, and no one I know would let me borrow one.
I am at a loss.
Shrinks are useless unless you're a total sucker, medication is fine as long as it's cheap and no you don't rely on a prescription (proactivity beats a doctor's opinion any day), and talking about it is somewhat cathartic, but not a solution, either.
Who knows?
Not I.
Who Judged.
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catatonicsean
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2013 9 December :: 3.48pm
:: Mood: busy
:: Music: Sunn O))) - Big Church [Megszentségteleníthetetlenségeskedéseitekért]
Keeping with tradition, after a prolonged period of irresponsibility, I have moved in with my mom.
All my relatives do the same before the age of 30 at least once with their respective parents, because we tend to lead miserable lives built around getting loaded when the chips are down, and forget to make rent payments, or pay bills, etc.
The exception being the females, who occasionally get pregnant and, thusly, are fired from their occupations by dinosaur employers.
In the end, it all amounts to months (or years, in some cases) of cohabitating with people who kicked you out as a teenager for misconduct and tomfoolery, and generally leads to either a conitinued loathing of a parental figure, or the healing of old wounds.
In my particular case, it's really neither. My mom kicked me out when I was 17 (a full decade, and the circle is complete) for being a dopefiend (as in drugs, not weed) and a loon (a natural result of drug use). Now we get on as if nothing had ever happened, but she finds fault with some of the peculiarities I picked up in the real world (not bathing regularly, chainsmoking, foul language that includes racial epithets and a variety of perjoratives), and the fact that I won't return to school until the next fall semester - which has been put off for who-the-hell-knows how long, seeing as I say that I'll go every year since I was 20.
Other than that, every thing is, frankly, "peachy."
Some have said "Where will you take girls?"
Simple: I don't "get" girls, and haven't for quite some time. Originally, I only wanted to get laid as a means of validation, but since then, I have found other ways of placating my egotistical nature.
The only detraction of living at home again is that her house is small and cramped, and there's nowhere to go to be alone. Having a quiet thought is extraordinarily difficult, and masturbation is out of the question. Too many dogs, you see.
But, everything aside, it's good to be back...for now.
Who Judged.
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catatonicsean
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2013 5 December :: 6.12pm
:: Mood: bored
:: Music: Adolescents - Word Attack
There is nothing to do today. The only thing I find intolerable is boredom, and considering how wide the world is, and the wonderous variety of experiences that await those who walk out of their front door, the idea of boredom should be unthinkable.
But this is the real world, and the older you get, one finds that he/she/it has less enthusiasm than necessary to get off their ass and do something.
And let's get one thing straight: Television is weak. They created thousands of channels, and they all happen to suck. Modern culture is retarded, and caters to people who don't mind repetition. Movies suck as well, and virtually everything else that is socially acceptable that occupies free time has lost it's savor.
Not to mention I'm babysitting my mom's dogs tonight (how do I get roped into this shit?), and tearing apart the city brick by brick wouldn't have been an option anyhow. That makes going out all the more enticing...sad how that works, eh? Quoth Joey Ramone, "I just wanna have something to do...besides watch five dogs, plus my own rotten beast." Obviously, Joey Ramone never dog-sat for my mother, but I'm sure his rotting corpse shares my sentiment.
Even the Last Resort, known as Porno, has seen its allure fade like mist before the dawn sunlight.
One of these days, I'll look back on this period and say "Gosh, I had it good. What was my problem?" But that time lies in the distant future, and with luck, I'll have died well before then. Appreciation resides in hindsight, which is unfortunate, because it'd be a hellava lot more useful in the present.
Who Judged.
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catatonicsean
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2013 4 December :: 11.16am
:: Mood: Hung Over
Fuck the sun.
I am hungover.
Who Judged.
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catatonicsean
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2013 3 December :: 7.01pm
:: Mood: cheerful
:: Music: Some arsehole down the road blaring hxc weakness (fuck that prick)
I am absolutely fucking wasted, and it is my birthday, so it's the one time people let it slide.
Beautiful.
I love you all, inhabitants of the planet Earth, Third Stone from the Sun as old Hendrix put it. Unless I've said otherwise to your face, or via e-mail like a scared little wag, you are alright in my book (yes, there is a book, and once published, it will sell ten copies, all purchased by myself).
Enjoy your evening.
Mahalo.
7 Of Those |
Who Judged.
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