When We Live

:: 2004 3 August :: 11.01pm
:: Mood: euphoric
:: Music: fair stuff

dim light in a vast darkness
This was an overall good day, and I'm happy. Yay happy!

This morning I went through my wardrobe to get rid of old/small/junky clothes. I feel so much better now, knowing that I have only clothes that I prefer. No more crap taking up space in my room... YAY!
Later, though, I had to go to the dentist, which is not a bad thing, dentists are good for life and it was an anual check up. However, the lady I had today must have been feeling a bit sadistic; when she did my flossing, she was pushing far beyond the end of my gums. I have quite a few cuts in my mouth now... But at least it's a clean mouth (?)

Then I ended up going to the fair tonight. Oh, it was so much fun. I went with our church group (which is hardly a churchy group... three of us are huge RHPS fans, two of us are bi/gay, one is acting as such, and we're all generally loud, raunchy, and very teenagerish), and had a blast. Besides our group, we met up with Sarah L. and her crew, and had a huge group there. Rock 'n Ride was fun, but this was a fuckin party. I don't think they appreciated us at kiddie land, though....
Sarah W. and I had the craziest ride on the Zipper. Seriously, it's the wildest time I've ever been on it. Insane, I tell you. Jon was freaking out on the Ring of Fire because he's pretty short and almost fell out of the restraints. And it was all fun.

4 truthsooth sayers | lie

:: 2004 31 July :: 10.52am
:: Mood: bubbly
:: Music: "Colour My World" - James Pankow

cycles
My moods have gone through many cycles in the past few days.
Brief but true statement...

So, I enjoyed the fair, I enjoyed the people (those I was with and those I was looking at), I enjoyed the food (though I should really be at the gym because of it), and I enjoyed... well... I have no way of wrapping that up... but the fair was nice. And I didn't hit my head in the glass maze. How proud can I be??

Oh, as I forgot to say before, I'm done with my archiving of poetry (though there are still a few things I need to type up), so I can update my journal again. That was a long, painful process...

Today, I woke up late (oops!), and stayed around the house for a while. Then I read (I'm getting responsible!!). Then the sister, the mother, and I went to the mall. I got some jeans, a Morrocan-ish button-down, an orange plaid (sounds horrible, but looks really good) camp shirt, and a brown lightweight knit. Yeah... shopping is difficult. I'm too short for most of the clothes that I wear, but I have wide shoulders and, generally, my waist/shoulder measurements are sizes that would normally be used for a taller person. I just have a wide bone structure... difficult, but I can live on.

We went to Footloose tonight. Fun... but definitely community theater. The choreography was great, but the blocking was horrible. But it was fun... Not to mention Jarred Van-Heel was in a very revealing mesh shirt for his character. And I read in his bio section that he's been Rocky for RHS... Oh, I'm strangely retching right now, but it's out of an overload of lust.... I'm a dirty little Christian boy...

My voice has slowly recovered from last night... for the majority of the day, though, I was talking in precise monotone. It's a good thing that I don't sing for money because all the yelling I do for social events really has ruined some opertunities... Which reminds me that Ashley said I should join choir this year. They want to know how I sing... Well, I know I've got more talent than some people in choir, and I probably will try out for The Fantasticks this year... but no... for one, I don't have a period open, and I just don't want to be involved...

I should probably go to bed. I need to start getting up earlier so I'm ready for soccer tryouts (agh... another reason to get to the Peak...)

1 truth | lie

:: 2004 31 July :: 1.37pm
:: Mood: emo
:: Music: little girl whining

my computer seems to be crashing
I am a lyric whore. SO FUCK ME.

On a string I was held. The way that I move, can you tell?
My actions are orchestrated from above. So I swing and I sway.
Wave my hand. Kick my leg. And it is always right with the music.
"Until all that swinging starts to make you sick"
For a song I was bought. Now I lie when I talk with a careful eye on the cue card.
Onto a stage, I was pushed with my sorrow well rehearsed.
So give me all your pity and your money. Now. All of it.
"We used to think that sound was something pure"
If I could act like this was my real life and not some cage where I've been placed,
then, I could tell you the truth like I used to and not be afraid of sounding fake.
Now all that anyone is listening for are the mistakes.
In a house, by myself, I hear the ice start to melt and watch rooftops weep for the sunlight.
And I know what must change. Fuck my face. Fuck my name.
They are brief and false advertisements for a soul I don't have.
Something true I have lacked and spent my whole life trying to make up for.
But I found in a song and in the people I love. They will lift me up out of darkness.
Now my door stands open. I am inviting everyone in. We will drink.
We will laugh until the morning comes. That is what we are going to do.
(Bright Eyes)

I don't think lj-cuts work here. Deal with it.

I have about 5 inches of space right now because my mom shampooed the carpet, thus pushing everything up against the computer. But, she did not use shampoo like normal people. No. She used VINEGAR. So, I am squished, about to suffocate due to smell, and very, very hot.

Fair was interesting. Gwen and I had fun by ourselves, since that is how we usually were. I was about to shoot the sexist pig working at the Thunderbolt. I was also about to shoot other people as well. Ring of Fire is so much more fun at the very top then second to top, as Gwen and I found out. Today I shall go again. I wish someone else was going, besides my family, but oh well. I am going to go visit Ashley and her bunnies. Highlight of last night: these hot dudes. Pathetic, but *drool*...one had on a pink shirt and long hair pulled back. He sat across from me on the Pharoh's Fury. I just sat and stared....*pathetic*...and then in line for the Ring of Fire, there was this dude with blonde poofish hair, a labret piercing, and hot emo glasses. HOT!!! He took off his glasses and lacked the hottness, but was still nonetheless.

I DON'T WANT SOME WEIRD FUCKING CHURCH LADY WATCHING MY HOUSE! I DON'T EVEN KNOW THIS STUPID PERSON, BUT MY MOM IS BEING A FUCKING BITCH ABOUT IT!! SHE DOES NOT EVEN KNOW HER LAST NAME! IT IS JUST THE "DONNA THAT HAD A STROKE"..

Next entry may be from Eureka.

Fuck you........

2 truthsooth sayers | lie

:: 2004 30 July :: 3.11pm

emo guy
You're emo music! You like to hang out with friends
and listen to sappy love songs, broken-hearted
losers and talk shit about everyone else.
Loosen up a little bit.

What kind of music are you?
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That isn't very friendly = (...I don't talk crap about people and am sometimes very loosened up..

:: 2004 30 July :: 2.52pm
:: Mood: angry
:: Music: ac

Stupidity at its greatest
My mom gave 300 hundred fucking bucks to her CHURCH!!!! I can't fucking believe that! HOW DUMB! WE DON'T HAVE 3 HUNDRED BUCKS FOR A FUCKING CHURCH

And Nick doesn't love me = (

:: 2004 26 July :: 4.35pm
:: Mood: fidgity
:: Music: Brahms Cappricio in F# min.; Op. 76, No. 1

Just another manic monday...
I had full intention to go running this morning, but didn't. I meant to shave today, but haven't. I've yet to brush my teeth. And I've read nothing out of Once and Future King today. That's four negative points.
----
I've had a wonderful piano rehearsal all day, I got my trumpet back from the repair shop, someone told me they appreciate my poetic writing, which has led me on my excavation of old works to start The Morgue, and I'm looking forward to soccer. Five for the positive.
+++++
So today has so far been positive, it seems. Also, negative points tend to be separated by periods, while positive points get commas... slightly strange.
Without realizing it, I've pretty much told y'all my day. Lovely. Short and to the point. Disturbingly so.

Oh, wait. Our computer has been having internet connection problems lately, so we may get the modem replaced on Wednesday... I wonder how much of that has to do with me always erasing history and such on the internet... I'm assuming that could be a good reason... oh well.

2 truthsooth sayers | lie

:: 2004 25 July :: 7.56pm
:: Mood: alive and breathing
:: Music: "Ammunition" - Switchfoot

sirens and flashing lights
I feel as though I'm in limbo at the moment. Time's certainly seemed to have slowed down, and nothing is happening here. Plus, my stomach is screwed up right now, and I can feel everything moving through my digestive system... interesting, but disgusting and somewhat painful.

But ignoring the state of the moment, things are looking... about like the state of the moment. I'm having a very melancholy time right now. We went down to Bozeman to visit my grandma. She's doing well, though she's smoking even more than usual. Not good for any of us who were there. My aunt Diane was there too, and she made for some good conversation. Dad and the dog stayed home because both were sick, and the sister was at camp, so *we* is really the mother and me. I intended to get new soccer shoes, but just about everyone is out of stock, so I'll have to order from Eurosport... We went to the soccer shop in Bozeman... sad sad efforts. Then we were driving back along main street and came upon the Crazy Days sales. Ended up stopping at a shoe store where I bought a new pair of street shoes, though they sadly weren't on sale. Then on Saturday, Mom, Diane, and I went garage sale hopping. Diane got a variety of things, my mom got a pressure cooker, and I got an oversized book of literature. 1000-some pages for 25�... not too bad of a deal, I'd say.
But, despite our fun times, I've been feeling stripped away inside. I did a lot of window shopping for guys... Not the greatest morale booster. I'm feeling more and more shitty about my situation because 1. I'm being horribly dishonest with many people including my family and 2. I'm desparately wanting a relationship with someone... It's a big leap to try to fix either of those issues, and I don't have the will right now to do it.

We have one chance, one chance to get everything right. We have one chance, one chance, and if we're lucky we might. My friends, my habits, my family, they mean so much to me. I just don't think that it's right. I've seen so many ships sail in, just to head back out again and go off sinking... ~Modest Mouse "One Chance"

I'm wanting to fix it all now, and I know that trying to do that is going to make things worse. I have so many low-confidence issues right now. Each thing, one at a time. I live for a tomorrow and hope that I can accomplish one task in that day. One thing at a time, a slow evolution, a slower enjoyment... Life can be a painful process at times, and this is certainly a time.

I need a creative release.

3 truthsooth sayers | lie

:: 2004 22 July :: 7.16pm
:: Mood: bouncy
:: Music: nick bouncing and gwen saying

Delirously happy by Gwen (& Nick)
I found out that Jwessika's cousins are really mean and that they don't like books. That's so wrong and I feel really happy because I didn't hit her ceiling when I jumped on the trampaline and Nick likes the puppies and they gave him a present and did you know that life is really great and this is a run on sentence, but Jessika thinks that punctuation is my friend but I consider it evil because then it disruped your thought process with a dot. Dot. Dot. Anyways.... I think that Nick is jumping around too much and that i shoul itch my nose and LIFE IS AN AWESOME RIDE KIDS LETS GO GET COFFEE and that Jessika should not step on the poor puppy because it is a puppy and smaller than Jessika and that is really nice. Nick wants to say something...
I'm wasting my life away on an exercise trampoline... although Gwen is wasting her life away there now, while talking about bouncing body parts... Isn't our live amusing. Acutally It's disturbinly uneventful and sad to watch. We are a waste of space. So, it's nice to know we make good use of that waste. Long live stupidity!!!
.....
I'm done now...
Positive sheild, positive shield. I am rubber you are glue everything you say bounces off me and sticks to you. Negative thoughts are bad especially when Nick falls off the trampoline without even jumping on it and it's okay to waste your life on the trampoline as long as you have fun doing it. Jessika tried to cut my head off with the fann....QAAAAAS
I've just had a near death experience (I being Nick, of course)... I just reached the edge of the trampoline, and almost went over. It was close, but my great reflexes saved me. What else is of interest right now....
well...
negative space:

positive space:
++++
++++
++++

Gwen is sneezing in the bathroom. Other than that, it's extremely quiet in here. But Gwen feels much better now.
One might be amazed at how amusing a trampoline can be when one has wasted one's afternoon at Jessika's house. But since none of us go by "one," none of us care. Enter Gwen:
Hi there all you lovely people! did you know that you can create tons of hilarious and new words by misspelling words? It's great fun. Nick is attempting to make the puppies actually nice and all he is accomplishing is mangled fingers. Still this is a great way to learn how not to put limbs in any type of gnashing sharp teethed mouth. Jaws is one example and it inspired me to watch Shark Week which is extreamly intertaining but makes me not want to be a marine biologist... stop playing with the pig Nick..enter your wise words here: I'd like to confuse the spell check. *ahem* AWERPPOSIERLKDJSOEORIDIDEEGHL:IBSAWE!!!!!!
And that was wonderful.
and now for a chicago moment:
And all that jazz!
*end moment*
We've become more like Jimmy... how strange of us.
Oklahoma moment:
Oh what a beautiful mornin'!
Chorus Line moment:
One singular sensation, every little step she takes!
Shakespeare moment:
I'll look to like if looking liking please.
*end nick's time*
Wait! I can explain!!
no I can't....
*real end of nick's time*

Haaahaaahaahaaa! Evil laughs are always a joy!I feel a Norman Bates moment coming on... he's from psyco the movie. Jessika found a spoon stuck to a plate by jello salad!! Aaaaaa! Anyways Nick is attempting to jump on the trampoline I refrain from using the nickname tramp and he fell off the tramp and hit the chair! A sad funny moment and now I think we have written enough,hopefully we have entertained you and enough and Nick is now killing the chair! he killed it! It's broken! More positive space+++++++++++++ ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ ++++++++++++++ +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++! I've got rythum, i've got music... you finish the sentence spider man!

X-POSTED!!!!

5 truthsooth sayers | lie

:: 2004 22 July :: 11.10am
:: Mood: peaceful
:: Music: Brahms Intermezzo in A; Op. 118, No. 2

HASH(0x89400a0)
Your soul is OPEN-MINDED. Although you do have
strong opinions and make decisions, you never
make them without thinking first of not only
everything that is, but those that may not be
as well. People trust that you'll willingly
hear them out and understand when they tell you
something, and you are well-liked for it. You
are often the mediator in disputes and your
desire to do what is right overcomes all else.
You are an understanding and admirable soul.

What Is Your Soul's Trait?
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6 truthsooth sayers | lie

:: 2004 21 July :: 8.19pm
:: Mood: content
:: Music: Eve 6 - Inside Out

I absolutely love this song. I have since I first heard it in like 4th grade. This and Harvey Danger's Flagpole Sitta have been forever feel good music for me. Both the awesome beats and the lyrics...

Would swallow my pride,
I would choke on the rhines,
but the lack thereof
would leave me empty inside.
I would swallow my doubt,
turn it inside out,
find nothing but faith
in nothing.
I want to put my tender
heart in a blender,
watch it spin around
to a beautiful oblivion.
Rendezvous
then I'm through with you.

AAANNNNNDDD....

Been around the world and found
that only stupid people are breeding,
the cretins cloning and feeding
and I don't even own a tv

Paranoia, paranoia!
Everybody's coming to get me.
Just say you never met me.
I'm running underground with the moles, diggin holes.
Hear the voices in my head,
I swear to god it sounds like they're snoring....
But if you're bored then you're boring,
the agony and the irony, they're killing me.
I'm not sick but I'm not well
and I'm so hot cause I'm in hell.

Hahaaaa....geez these songs rock so insanely hardcore it's not even funny. And..I am also becoming a lyric whore. :-x

:: 2004 21 July :: 12.26am
:: Mood: emo
:: Music: Bright Eyes - Haligh, Haligh, a lie, Haligh

I like the eyes. Can I have them?
"There is no beginning to the story. A bookshelf sinks into the sand and a language learned and forgot, in turn, is studied once again.
It's a shocking bit of footage viewed from a shitty TV screen.
You can squint through snowy static to make out the meaning.
Just keep on stretching the antennae, hoping that it will come clear.
We need some reception, a higher message, just tell us what to fear.
Because I don't know what tomorrow brings. It is alive with such possibilities...
We need a record of our failures. We must document our love.
I have sat too long in my silence. I have grown too old in my pain.
To shed this skin, be born again, it starts with an ending.
So thank you friends for the time we shared. My love stays with you like sunlight and air.
Oh how I truly wish I could keep hanging around here but my joy is covering me.
Soon, I will disappear.
It's not a movie, no private screening. This method acting, well, I call that living.
It's like a fountain, a door has been opened. We have a problem with no solution
but to love and to be loved.
So, I've made peace with the falling leaves. I see their same fate in my own body.
But I won't be afraid when I am awoken from this dream and returned to that
which gave birth to me. And the story goes on and on and on and on..."

That is for my "friend(s) with problems" (It is indeed mutual)....My interpretations are usually wrong, but it works swell for the emssage I am trying to get across if you happen to think like me.
Today I went to the museum. I was very happy when Spencer showed up. He's a nice kid. But, I was about to hate him because he was late and I thought he was a no-show. I could not take 28 kids at once. My group was younger than his. They were bored and bratty and clingy and I was reminded why I hate little kids.

Everyone should listen to Pretty Girls Make Graves sometime. Especially if you like the Yeah Yeah Yeahs.

I BEAT ALICE!!!! ALL OF MY OBSSESSION TIME PAID OFF!!! I BEAT IT!!!

My computer is messing up. I hope I can post this.

1 truth | lie

:: 2004 20 July :: 7.12pm
:: Mood: tired
:: Music: "Black Cadillacs" - Modest Mouse

cleanup from a pseudo-vacation

Disorder Rating
Paranoid: High
Schizoid: Low
Schizotypal: Low
Antisocial: Moderate
Borderline: Low
Histrionic: Moderate
Narcissistic: Moderate
Avoidant: Moderate
Dependent: Low
Obsessive-Compulsive: Moderate

-- Personality Disorder Test - Take It! --

Well, as I've stated in the not too far past, my problems have shifted from schyzotypal to paranoid. How lucky.

Moving on. We took my trumpet in to get serviced today. What a great thing, considering the main tuning slide has been oxidized for.... about 4 years. I've needed this... It will help for symphonic band. Also, I've realized I prefer my piano over my instructor's, which is interesting in that she's got a great grand piano, while I have an old upright. Usually the grand wins, but right now I like mine more. I don't know why. Maybe her's is out of tune... it sounded so.
I'm realizing that I'm craving a relationship more than I used to. I think I'm finally getting over my inhibitions to get close to people (by the way, I saw Schylar at Blockbuster last night. She's got two lip piercings now.). And now, I want a relationship... or a really close friend.... which I have many, but most of them are away for the moment.
And I think I should go to one of the BMX races. I haven't been out to the tracks in... forever, so I think it would be a good outing.

4 truthsooth sayers | lie

:: 2004 18 July :: 11.17pm
:: Mood: disillusioned
:: Music: The Rasmus

another cruel realization
The people I hang out with have lots of problems. I have a lot of problems. We tend to make good friends, until we get mad about our problems, which seems to be happening with many people right now.

On a brighter side to that was camp. We had a drama session, in which we had improv games, seguing into a story theater about a girl who was raped in childhood who is reading a book (school assignment) about a girl who was raped (slightly redundant premise). Well, after the reading, one of my good friends was absolutely bawling. I was aware that something had gone on with her, in that she's often violent toward any forward males. Well, she was raped by her cousin in her childhood. So, we spent the next half hour or so talking about problems, she about dealing with her life, then me saying that it sucks to know about problems of your friends, simply because you want to share yours as well, but fear that sharing will only make their life harder, which ends up making your burden heavier. It's unfair to keep all the problems inside, it's unfair to only listen and not explain. Then Melinda and I cried together, just because the majority of our lives have been spent putting up these fucking intricate facades to keep the public unaware. Then, Cary shared about caring for her little sister who is autistic, a rather touching story, which explains her a bit more. However, I will still not go out with that girl (not that any of you know/care to know about her). Then Melinda and I did a bit more of tag team encouraging everyone in camp to just be real for the rest of the week. I can't say that it was completely effective, though I noticed some change in people. Really, what I'm looking for in life is not complete harmony, just the acceptance. I know that not everyone is in agreeance on issues, but I'd like to know that they accept that things happen. Somewhat of a nonchalant standpoint to not put any more care in than that, but it's all I'm really asking for, while I don't ask at all. Anyway, this camp has opened a good awareness to me of some of my beliefs/ beliefs of the young church. I'm quite happy with the camp, and it's extremely hard to explain the experience. It was fucking awesome, but not the easiest thing to share without first-person location and such....

So, we're a bunch of dropouts in many different aspects. It's good that we cling to each other, 'cause each one carries something different. A body is not complete without every part. The spirit is only filled by communion.

3 truthsooth sayers | lie

:: 2004 18 July :: 8.02pm

You are Magenta... (Patricia Quinn) damn you're cool
You are Magenta. The lip gloss that sank the
titanic.

Which Rocky Horror character are you?
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I still need to think of a new username........ x_X