brokenmentality
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2005 11 October :: 4.39pm
im done with this.
i had a rotten day, and the one thing i was looking forward to taking comfort in cancelled on me.
i could very easily take comfort in something else.
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anachronism
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2005 9 October :: 7.31am
The dance was cool.
I had fun.
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bleedingsun
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2005 8 October :: 12.44pm
Glint and gleam
Tomorrow might just be the most awkward day of my life. I'm going out to dinner with Amanda, her mom, dad, and grandma, and my mom and Mark. Her grandma wanted to meet my parents, and she also wanted my parents and Amanda's to get to know each other.
At least it's at Pizza Hut.
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2005 7 October :: 6.35am
:: Music: BOB DYLAN
Well, the 40 days of purpose res life group meetings started last night. As you can tell, I have no idea what to call it. Anyway..it went very well. There are 7 groups of couples, Brad and I are the youngest. Not by much though, all of them are in their early 20's. It was nice because I was expecting it to be really dull and everyone to be uber churchy, but they weren't like that at all. We all just talked and laughed the entire time. I guess it's every Monday for the next six weeks. It was supposed to be Thursday, but people had problems with that I guess. So, sorry Erika and especially Keegan. ;) Laguna night must be rescheduled!
Today is black day and I'm having fun with it. Even though my stinky boyfriend is being a shmuck. =) Hehehe..
I'm an emo kid, non-conforming as can be!
You'd be non-conforming too if you look just like me!
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2005 5 October :: 6.34am
:: Music: BOB DYLAN
Things are good in the hood.
Who's all going to Homecoming? I'm just wondering..
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2005 3 October :: 7.20pm
tonights laguna night, im waiting for keegan to get out of work so we can go over to stacys. that kristin... dirty little skank. giggles
im excited for homecoming, especially since i wont be so pale.. thank god for bronzing tanning lotion.
yeah, so algebra 2 is kicking my ass... anyone care to help me out?!
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2005 1 October :: 9.26am
I am in the play. I get to be a Citizen of Oz. I know, I know.. it's a very minor part and I probably have no lines that I say individually, but I'm just excited to be a part of the play. I didn't try hard at auditions and my heart was never really into this play, but I'll put my all into it now.
Red flannel day is today. How exciting. I get to do fucking everything because everyone in yearbook is a lazy ass. No one can just offer to do anything if they don't benefit from it. It drives me crazy how everyone can take that class and yet not want to do anything for it. Whatever.
Hopefully today goes well. I need to shower, later.
Edit>>
I got my Homecoming dress, it's brown. And brown is the best, so I am happy. Erika and Keegan your couple is back!
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bleedingsun
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2005 30 September :: 4.57pm
Search and rescue found the clothing but cannibals found the body first
I'm excited about the play. Practice sounds like it's going to be a lot of fun.
Go flying monkeys!
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2005 30 September :: 6.22am
He made me smile.
I need to just stop caring, worrying, getting so worked up, etc.
Last night was perfect. We argued a little, but it didn't end in us yelling, storming off, or me crying. It ended in him saying, "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hurt you." And that was that.
Then we talked about a lot of things for an hour or so.
And I just want this all to last, because if I had this huge part of my life good and fixed again I don't know what could bring me down.
I love you. And always remember every word you said last night.
You can go.
I trust you.
And you know me saying that is a huge step.
Just don't make me regret these words.
Tony's a good friend.
Continue in the good direction you are going in now.
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bleedingsun
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2005 29 September :: 10.08pm
:: Music: Breaking Benjamin
Advances in technology have given me super powers previously unknown and unthought-of by man
As of right now, I have a four point fucking oh.
4.00.
If only I can keep it up, I might just get accepted to college or something.
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2005 29 September :: 9.43pm
play tryouts, powderfuff practice, tanning *FINALLY* (and yes you STILL owe me 20) and now hopefully a LOT of shut eye. say hello to another crazy busy weekend... SHOOT me.
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2005 29 September :: 4.20pm
I am so pissed right now.
Here I am, sitting alone.. once again.
Every day I either sleep or watch tv. What a fucking life.
Auditions went terrible. If I do get a part I don't even deserve it, even though I know for sure it'll be a small role with no lines, if I get one at all. I'm just not a good actress. Bah.
Anyway, you'd think after we don't talk for a day, and fight the ones before he'd want to spend time with me, but nooo. I'm not someone to miss. I'm just a bitch who's always pissed off. Someone he can't have fun with or be himself around. I just have to accept that I can't make him happy and let him be happy somewhere else.
I don't have a car, all my friends have jobs and lifes!
But do I? Of course not.
My whole family is STUPID. Seriously.. what I am dealing with at home right now is bullshit. Complete bullshit.
I know I've said this a million times and over and over, but..
I. Just. Want. To. Be. Happy.
Is that ever going to happen?
I doubt it.
Not here, not now.
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anachronism
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2005 29 September :: 6.21am
:: Music: Death Cab for Cutie
Perfect fit.
Holding on to your grudge.
Oh, it's so hard to have someone to love,
and keeping quiet is hard
'cause you can't keep a secret
if it never was a secret to start.
We're concentrating on falling apart.
We were contenders, now we're throwing the fights.
I just want to believe...I just want to believe..I just want to believe..in us.
You're holding on to your grudge,
Oh, it hurts to always have to be honest with the one that you love.
Brand New - Okay I Believe You, But My Tommy Gun Don't
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anachronism
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2005 28 September :: 6.42am
Give me one good day before I disappear.
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brokenmentality
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2005 27 September :: 10.23pm
im so tired. we just got back from the mall(s)... it is NOT fun dress shopping.. but ALAS i found one. and its green.. that wonderful las vegas green.. and i've tried it on and all that jazz again since i got home.. and cant find a single thing wrong with it or that i dont like. thats always nice.
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2005 27 September :: 3.55pm
Why do I even fucking bother?
It's always about you.
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brokenmentality
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2005 27 September :: 6.09am
another day.
i think me and keegan are gonna find my homecomming dress after school today. its about time. i really wanna find that perfect dress... its hard cuz i cant see myself falling in love with a dress the way i fell in love with my prom dress. it really did look perfect.
last night was laguna night...... if ONLY brad would have been awake. *kicks him and giggles
i dont wanna go to first hour today. im already behind on my algebra. GREAT. im just sick of having homework every night. and esp. math homework. i guess more than anything im just sick of this stupid routine of waking up, crawling out of bed, and going to school. to bad i cant just sleep the rest of my life.
my mom got me a hundred dollar gift card to this salon in rockford called genisis as an end of red flannel thing. im SO looking forward to getting a massage with it. i think the day of homecomming im gonna go there and get a massage and have my hair and nails done. i deserve to be pampered once in awhile. esp after this last week.
side note: GET TAN ERIKA! im so white right now. i just hate throwing money into such a dangerous thing as tanning. wooooo.. lets go buy cancer. hells yeah!
after we get my dress... its straight back to keegans for a nap.
i just zoned out there for awhile.. i hate when that happens. well i guess i've rambled on long enough about nothing in particular. and i suppose i should get dressed and try and look all wonderfull....
*sighs... our drama project....
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2005 26 September :: 6.18am
:: Music: Death Cab for Cutie
I have the most insane boyfriend in the world..
but, I love him.
I know he's made a lot of mistakes and I hope I can say there will be no more (big ones at least) and actually be right this time.
He has a huge heart and I need it to be mine.
We got our rings. They are nice and simple.
They simply signify we won't do anything to hurt one another in a big way.
Sorry, I'm just rambling about things none of you care to hear.
I hate school.
But, I love hot chocolate. Mmmm.
>>Edit
Oh, and if you're a BOB DYLAN fan like I and have been waiting pathetically the 'No Direction Home' movie is on tonight at 9pm on PBS.
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2005 25 September :: 10.20pm
*sighs
could i BE anymore sad. at least desperate housewives was on tonight to comfort me.
lately... whenever we're apart i get this empty feeling inside. like it almost hurts that you arent with me. and as much as i hate it, i love feeling that way. not empty, but complete when i'm with you. now hows THAT for "is the glass half empty or half full"... 10 months and we're still goin strong.
*sighs again... last night was hard. we are no longer the reigning red flannel girls... but we will ALWAYS be the 2004 girls and the connection we formed with eachother and with Sue is unbreakable.
what a hectic weekend.. im suffering from sleep deprivation... is that a word? ahh well.. close enough.
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2005 24 September :: 10.31am
:: Music: Death Cab for Cutie
Most of you don't need to read this so fuck off.
Oh my God. The new Death Cab for Cutie CD is so amazing.
You were right Matt, it's very close to Transatlanticism. I don't know which is better. Never thought I'd say that..
New layout!
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2005 24 September :: 9.10am
Who is going to the pageant tonight?
I need to shower somewhere, haha. My dad is working on the shower and failed to tell me I can't take one until this morning. Laaaame.
Oh and Mishy..Tomato! Pickle! Apple! Let's play that little crackle!
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bleedingsun
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2005 23 September :: 8.16pm
And every quiz tells the truth
It's finally the weekend. Hopefully this one is great as the last two have been.
I got bored inbetween tastes of ink.
Read more..
I could never look that good in what she's wearing.
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2005 23 September :: 6.25am
I'm sick.
I think I am allergic to school.. no wait ECON!
Burn in hell you bitch.
This sums it up..
So sick, so sick of being tired and oh, so tired of being sick.-TBS
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2005 22 September :: 11.33pm
great.. now my eyes are gonna be all puffy.
im so sick of feeling this way. im so sick of hating myself. lately it seems thats all i've been doing. and with the pageant two days away my hormones are running haywire. i'm one of those stupid girls who cries all the time for no reason. nobody understand how sad i am about giving up red flannel. my whole life its been one of my dreams and now its just over. then what? i feel like i'ts all built up to that.. and now one of the only things that has been keeping me happy is being taken away from me. man... 2 days. its happend way to soon.
it makes me sad that the thing i confide in most is my journal. and at the same time there are so many things that run through my mind that i cant even begin to fathom how to say or write down. i honestly think that im crazy. i dont know why i overreact the way i do. lately i've been a basketcase. im always on edge.. AND i've been overanalyzing everything. i dont think people realize how self concious i am or how low my self esteem is. i take major offence to negative critisism. and thats hard when you're hardest critic is yourself.. and you're telling yourself that you're not worth anything and there are so many people better than you in all things so why even bother. thats pretty hard when you cant even believe the things you're boyfriend tells you to try and make you feel better because you're mind is asking you if you really CAN trust him.
see, i have this trust issue. especially with guys. and this is where most of my viewpoints on love come from. i think that if i open up, then im inviting someone into hurt me. and lately i've felt like that been happening. so what do i do? i start to shut down, and turn away from the one person who tries to help. and at the same time, i dont want help. im also very independent. and i dont like having to depend on other people, esp when it comes to dealing with all my crazy mental problems. and i feel there are many.
i just feel as if i've never quite fit anywhere. i guess thats not such a bad thing. but i mean comon... i'm not of that caliber to ever be voted homecoming queen, i feel completely out of place around all the punkish and goth people because i feel like they're looking at me like "she's such a prep.. blah blah blah" and then with the preps i feel like they're saying (the girls anyways) oh she thinks she's better than everyone, and look at the way she walks, does she ever not wear heels, and so on and so forth. i dont see how people think that about me. ive heard that so many times.... even keegan said thats what he thought of me before he got to know me. do you know how much that hurts? to think that the person i've thought was so cool all these years thought i was "stuck up" and he's not the only one. i mean.. what do i do that gives off that vibe? i try to pretend that im confident.. but im not. does that come off cocky? i try to be involved with as many things as i can so i can at least have some tangable things to be proud of.. does that make me.... i dont even know.. but obviously it makes me something.
life has made me so bitter. and yes i realize that people have it way worse, but how is that supposed to help? right here and right now, im not thinking about hurricanes or famines.... maybe that makes me a terrible person... but for once i'm thinking about myself. i dont do that very often, but when i break down like this..... what else am i supposed to think about? i just want to get to the root of the problem.
i think the greatest thing in the world would be to go through counseling.... even if i wasnt this down on myself. to have somebody weekly help you work out your feelings who actually cares, and who WANTS to listen and WANTS to help you figure out what the problem is..... that'd be the greatest thing ever.
its hard not to think back to my sophomore year where i didnt have a boyfriend because it was the end of kevin and before keegan. my grades were phenominal, my attitude was awesome, and my faith was stronger than its ever been. i've gone so down hill. and dont get me wrong.... i would trade my relationship with keegan for anything, and i dont blame it for my downfall.... but its just hard not to wonder if its one of the MANY reasons i am the way i am. i know i became dependent on spending time with him this summer... so now when i cant spend time with him i get so mad. almost irate. and its so stupid, and not fair for him. i just want him to be happy. and i want to be happy. and i want us to be happy together. im always worrying about what he wants. and if im what he wants or if he wants a girl that writes poetry, or dances, or doesnt make such a big deal out of things.... and he tells me time and time again. " you're exactly what i want" but i wont let myself believe it. ever. it wont happen, as much as i want to. because i pick myself apart, and when i feel like OTHER people are picking me apart it makes everything 5 times worse.
we're happy together. and i know that maybe i make it seem like all we do is fight, and yes, there HAVE been alot of bumps. but i like to tell myself that all relationships have them. it just sucks because i dont want to fight with him. im so sick of fighting that i've stopped caring, and thats not good. im just tired of feeling this way, and not being able to breath through my nose, and having swollen eyes and then waking up and pretending like nothing is wrong. keegans my best friend and i care about him more than i care about myself. and i cant figure out if thats a good thing or a bad thing.... but im guessing most people would say its bad. its just because i feel like i have so little self worth.
many things have made me feel that way. chris and yancy being the main two. all i ever wanted from chris was acceptance... but no matter how hard i tried, i never acheived it. nothng i ever did was good enough. i remember just breaking down one night and screaming "why do you hate me, WHY do you hate me" and you never answered me, and he never said that he didnt. it never got better. and the things he put us through are pure evil. that was the start of my rage. he's the reason i can so easily be filled with so much anger. and then yancy... i didnt know anything about him. and feeling abondened isnt a good thing, no matter who it is. and it doesnt matter if you dont know them.. it still hurts. it makes you wonder what things would have been like if you were never born. because that thought has gone through my head plenty times.
or what would it be like if the doctors were right and i would have died in that car accident when i was a baby. what would my moms life be like now. would it be easier?
or what if in my lowest point my thoughts really did get the best of me like i feared they would.... would my familys life be less hassal?
or what if i just wasnt pyscho..... that'd make everybodys life easier.
but i guess none of that matters, because i AM here, and the emotions i feel ARE real, very real.. and theres nothing i can do but hope everything gets better, despite the voice in my head telling me that they wont.
my faith has been so bad lately. i wouldnt even call it a faith. perhaps god is punishing me for turning my back on him. but sometimes i feel that you cant turn your back on something when their back was turned to you in the first place. last summer got really bad, and i would most definately say it was the worst time of my life so far.... i was busy and working, and barely having enough time to live, and i went outside and just sceamed at the sky.... and it helped. because its almost like the stars absorb all the pain you lay out for them. thats what the mountains do for me. i need to live in the mountains someday.... maybe that'll keep me sane. getting out of cedar and away from everypart of my life that i once i knew will be the best though. i could never leave my mom and shelby behind though, and depending on keegan and if we were still together... i couldnt leave him either. its my mom though.... i cant live without her. if she were die tomorrow..... i would dig my own grave, because living wouldnt be worth it. she's my rock, and truthfully all i need to be happy. i mean yeah.. keegan and my sister are pretty high up there.... but without my mom, i dont think the world would keep spinning in the right direction... .at least mine wouldnt anyway.
i dont know where things are going, and i dont know what direction my life is gonna take.... i just pray its better than this.
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brokenmentality
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2005 22 September :: 10.13pm
stacy... gahhh i need to talk to you and you know what about. laughs* *yells... HITS HIM.
im so frustrated. and what the hell... its 10:15 and i cant get ahold of him. god, it makes me wonder what he's doing. cuz hes NOT at home thats for sure. and he keeps neglecting to answer his phone. funny how that happens. how when after we fight he somehow becomes impossible to get ahold of.
oh.. on a POSITIVE note.. saturday will be 10 months. should i be dancing right now? ohhh wait.. thats already taken care of.
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anachronism
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2005 22 September :: 5.51pm
MISHY:
Are you free tomorrow after school? I'd like to work on drama and glorify Hitler!
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2005 22 September :: 6.43am
I can't go to the pageant. I am very dissapointed about it. I like watching those kind've things. *sigh* Ah well, I hope someone at least records it.
Anyway, things were going good. Keep in mind were.
I don't understand it.
I don't like it.
And I really don't know what to do.
But, whatever. I guess I'm just not perfect enough.
Well, I better finish getting ready. Three weeks in and I all ready want the year to end.
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2005 21 September :: 6.08am
i worked at lazerskate last night for the first time in just about forever.
finally a day off. a whole WEEK off at that. now i can just relax, be sad about the pageant... and perhaps start writing my speech! how sad is that! i have like 2 days to write my farewell speech.. ah well. im sure it'll be wonderful, its just hard for me dealing with the realization that is over.
on a side note..... did ANYONE realize exactly how soon homecomming is?! urghhh!
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bleedingsun
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2005 20 September :: 7.41pm
It seems like just yesterday, we were in Detroit
5 months tomorrow. Should be fun, if gas and dad allows.
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anachronism
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2005 19 September :: 6.16am
Ruined anniversarys.
Either way I lose.
Why can't you ever help me?
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