i am the walrus, coo coo cachoo.
i'm pretty sure time stands still, but only when you want it to the least. the absolute least, and you can't do a thing about it. things are strange around here. i feel like the people i've known and consider my friends aren't the same people anymore. i'm growing further away from friends i never thought i could live without and it doesn't make me as sad as it should. i feel like i've grown up a lot this year. which shouldn't be the case at all, because i've made some of the most childish and stupid decisions a person could make in one year. i keep getting angry at stupid little things that i probably wouldn't have ever noticed before. more and more fights and arguments are happening and i really don't like it. no one needs an added dose of hostility, but lately i've been completely willing to dish it out. tommy and i had a bit of a disagreement last night, and it felt so good to yell at him and tell him exactly how i felt. lizz always tells me how i shouldn't hold things in and blah blah. it's just how i like to deal with things, on my own. but lately i just want to scream at the world and tell every person that's ever hurt me how much i resent them.
i've been looking through old journals a lot lately. remembering people i haven't talked to in ages. i found my 7th grade tcs year book and couldn't decide if i wanted to laugh or cry. that year was just...not one i will ever forget, that's for sure. 7th grade, that's so young. i was 12 in the 7th grade and thought i was ready to move out of the house and take the world head on. that year i decided to grow up. i did it much too quickly. i try not to regret things i've done because at one point it's what i wanted. but i do regret NOT doing things. that's for damn sure. i suppose everyone has a year like that. has memories and mistakes they'll never forget. i always dismiss it as just being part of growing up, but i'm pretty sure there's more to it. much more.
i went up to tcs friday. i hate to admit how much i love that place, but it's changing for the absolute worst. i told sarah webster so, and she just nodded. in this horribly sad agreeing manner. i always half expect andrew to come bounding down the hallway, high-fiving everyone in sight and giving out those perfect andrew hugs and smiles. i know he won't be there, but i always wish he would be. i keep walking down the hall and david, travis, ryan and max should be sitting there on the couches being the stupid boys i loved to hate and find myself missing more then i should. i never thought i had problems with getting attached to people. i've moved around too much to have problems with things like that. but things are strange lately, kind of muted and it's been decided that time stands still so i suppose i'm allowed to miss and think about tcs. but only for the time being, being a time dweller is bad news. not something i want to be.
i just re-read what i've written so far and realized how many times i've tried to justify my need to reminisce over "old times". i can't wait until summer gets here. i miss long nights with sarah and lillian. i'm the most comfortable around those two ladies, and i absolutely love them for it. i don't even know how many times we've run up to ted drews at 11 o'clock at night because we HAD to have some ice cream RIGHT THEN. and you have to get the biggest cup and eat it all. how many times we walked to that little park by lil's house and played on the swings or walked around the lake. the hours we'd spend in the loop just not caring about a thing. i miss waking up in the morning, or afternoon as it usually is, and having my only worry be if i have clean clothes to put on. which isn't even a big worry because we never wear our own clothes anyway. why is it that wearing other people's clothes is always so much better then wearing your own?
i miss waking up next to people every day. i miss that a lot. sleeping next to someone just makes me feel so safe. i haven't had that sense of security in too long of a time. i'm hoping to go see sarah at the end of may/beginning of june. i think she's what i miss the most. she is my official summer ray and always will be. last summer was ridiculously lonely without her. last summer just wasn't...right. it wasn't how it should have been. a lot happened tho. things i wish hadn't and things that i'm glad did. kind of how anything else goes i guess. i don't entirely know why things felt so empty, but i do know i'm not going to let it happen again. i'll have a car in two months which will make things much easier. i hate being so young.
i've rambled on for what seems like ever, but i just feel like i have so much more to get out of my system. so many things i've always wanted and needed to say to people but just never could. or more that i was too scared to tell them the truth. i promised myself when i was a little girl that i would never be the girl that let people walk over them. i would never be the girl that would take the bullshit that was fed to her. i made that promise and i had every intention of keeping it. but i broke it. i had cracked it before, but this year was the shattering point. i promised i would never be as weak as my mother was around my father. but i am my mother. just much more sarcastic and less "lady-like". i'm not sure what i think about that. not sure at all.
i told this boy i liked him the other day. thought i'd turn over a new leaf and become brave and allow people to know some of my feelings. what a stupid idea. whoever said that it was good idea to tell a 17 year old boy you like them deserves to be shot. we're still friends and all, he just didn't show any sign of interest. not in me atleast. oh well, other fish in the sea i suppose.

now that i've written a novel for you all i think it's really time for bed. till' then.

"I have an ancient Indian crucifix around my neck
My chest is hard and brown
Lying on stained, wretched sheets with a bleeding virgin
We could plan a murder
Or start a religion."

opening night is thursday...yipes. we're no where near ready. but i know that with most plays you have to go through that scatterednervousdisheveled and completely not prepared stage in order to put on a decent production. we'll all get scared that things will really turn out badly and, hopefully, will work all that much harder in the few precious rehersals we have left. i wish i could blame all the confusion and unprepared-ness on our director seeing as she really is completely clueless. and no, i'm not being the know-it-all drama student who thinks they know everything about the theater...the woman really doesn't have a clue. our old drama teacher was absoultely amazing, but her husband's job forced them to move away...so we have miss hatton. nice person, no doubt about that, but she's only ever done middle school productions. trying to teach and direct for the first time at a highschool is not an easy task, and people are really being horrible to her. everyone just misses mrs. schloss so much, she was truly wonderful. not much we can do about it now, tho complaints have been filed against miss hatton to the school board. needless to say she won't be returning next year. i haven't met her replacement yet, but i hear he's a nice guy. hopefully he won't be torn apart by his students like miss hatton was. hopefully he'll have worked in a highschool before. and hopefully he'll have directed a highschool production before, because this is just bad. not one of the better performances i will have been a part of, but we all have our sour notes. i know my lines, songs and dances. all i can do now is hope everyone else will pull their characters together.

some pretty amazing concerts are coming up in ol' st. lou. i've already bought tickets to three.

april 9-an evening with o.a.r
may 6-ani difranco
may 26-dashboard confessional w/thrice.

not too shabby eh? dave matthews is coming in june along with incubus and warped tour. but, rumor has it incubus and warped are on the same day. this causes some major problems. last years warped was quite dissapointing tho, and incubus has yet to dissapoint me. so far the final vote is leaning towards incubus, but i'm still hoping it's just a rumor and that the two gigs are actually on different days. i've tried checking dates for myself, but always seem to run into some technical difficulties in the process. all i can do is keep checking, i guess.

i dyed my hair today. a deep cherry red. it's gorgeous. i've had different variations of red hair for a while now, but this shade might be my favorite. it's a shame that when the actual dye is on my head it makes me want to itch my skin off. and the rinsing process took a crazy long amount of time, but this color is just too good. i think i'll just have to keep grinnin' and bearin' it.

i think sleep is calling me. a good night's rest would be perfect, lets see what happens. till' next time.

i hate being wrong. especially when i know it should be right. i hate messing up and feeling vulnerable. i hate the i-told-you-so's. but the thing i hate the most is knowing that it's all my fault.

@ 02-16-04 3:00am
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You know, if you would just stop bitching about how bad you have it, you may realize there is more to life than older guys who just want sex with younger girls, and that you have it alot better then most others.... Food for thought

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@ 02-16-04 3:01am
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Can you pity yourslf anymore? I mean goddamn shut the hell up

angry anonymous posts. i love when people think they know everything about a person just from one venting entry. i also love when they don't have enough balls to leave who they are. i'm also pretty sure it's the same person leaving these seeing as they were posted only a minute apart. for post #1, i'm not chasing older guys, and i do understand how good i have it. if you hadn't gotten the memo this IS a journal, the place where you're supposed to write your thoughts and vent. this is mine, this is what i want to write about, your opinions are shit to me...just some food for thought.
as for #2, did you know that you don't have to keep reading something you don't like? no i'm serious, you can actually hit the random journal button again and it will take you to a new place. so can you please stop acting like a hardass, no one cares.

anyway, this weekend turned out much better than expected. the dance wasn't too bad either. i saw once upon a time in mexico friday night. that movie is amazing, watch it if you haven't. hung out with lizz, dan and ben last night. good crowd of people, good things always happen when i'm with them.

well i have to go write my english paper. 'till then.

"you're an exception to the rule."

so lets break this down, shall we?

tommy wants nothing to do with me. yet, i'm still the one that gets angry people bitching about how horrible of a thing that was to do, and how i really need to get some morals and blah blah. not only do i get to hear people rant and rave, i didn't even get the guy.

he of course got the girl...

zach also wants nothing to do with me. that night, that horrible friday night, we were supposed to get together. i thought he was just after some lovin' seeing as that's all he's ever after. no, the guy i've had a little crush on since, oh the beginning of the school year might have actually had feelings for me. and not just the wow, she looks good kind. the actual, wow i could see myself dating her kind. i found this out about 10 minutes ago. i apologized for what went down, and he replied with a, "don't worry about it...it's over." i took this as tommy and i being over..oh no, he meant me and him. i didn't even know we were started. i asked if he would maybe wanna hang out again...i get a "i dunno." and a quick sign off. he might as well have said, "can't you see i hate you? now get away from me you stupid little girl."
things just aren't going to go my way.

valentine's day is coming up...oh joy! another glorious holiday that has been so commercialized by hallmark it's sickening. i will say i probably wouldn't be as bitter if i had that "special someone" to share this day of love with...but seeing as i don't, it's hostile bitch-mode for allie.

he went shopping for her today, to buy her a valentine's present. i hope she doesn't take him back..i hope to god she doesn't. i know she will, but there's still a part of me that hopes she has some sense. i still get death stares from across the biology lab. i'm afraid those stares are going to turn into victory smiles, he's nothing to be too proud of. she should know first hand. i unfortunately do too.

we'll just have to see what tomorrow brings i suppose. the winter dance is this weekend...on valentine's day, of course. i am going stag, lizz, of course has a date. lauren i'm sure will have her boys up there, and i will assume the wallflower position i've grown remarkably good at.

"the best years of my life" are here and now...so why can't i wait until they're over?

doesn't he understand how much he hurts me? he has this power over me, this power i hate. i'm much too vulnerable around him...he knows he could have me, and i thought for sure we were eachothers. so comfortable, like things would all end up okay.

he wants her back. the girl i caused so much heartache, his ex-girl, the girl he left for me. he wants her back. not "officially" the thought has "only crossed his mind". it's a bull shit way of saying i don't want to hurt you again so i'm going to side step around this as best i can. she's a friend of mine, which makes it all the worse. not only had i hurt her, but i ended up hurting myself in the end.

i'll just never be good enough, not for anyone.

every part of me wants him. he wants her, and they're perfect.
no no no...can't he see that IM the perfect one. how many late night phone calls we've had, fun adventures to where ever. i've always been able to tell him what's on my mind, but lately i'm scared. he knows how i feel, he told me he'll always have feelings for me too. so why aren't i the one he holds hands and shares kisses with? why do i want to scream whenever i see them together. it was never this way before.
i should have never kissed him back.

he hurt me so bad. like no one ever has before. why do i still want him? why am i still intimidated when i'm around him? he says he's sorry, he tells me all the time. he says he knows he messed up. i want to believe him, and i think i do. he tells me he loves me, in a joking way...

i am not a pretty girl and it will forever be my demise.

i'm much too anxious these days. it always feels like somethings wrong, but i never figure out what it is. sleep is a foreign thing, but i will say i've created some pretty nice writings and drawing in those early morning hours.

i like a new boy and i don't quite know what to do about it. he's interesting and always listens to me whine about god knows what. his taste in music is beautiful, but he's one of those people that never lets on to what he's really thinking. i want to know him.

"i'd like to see you undone."

merry christmas everyone. i hope santa was good to you this year.