behindmysmile
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2003 28 November :: 2.48pm
:: Mood: content
Wtf is wrong wif me?!
Urgh i really dont know wat to do anymore..Sometimes i can be soo happy..and then the rest of the time..i jus feel like id rather die the most painful death than take another breath..
I dont know wat to do anymore..I hate skool, and everyone there..dat used to be my escape place..that used to be da place where i would go to get away from my house and my fucked up parents..now i go from hell to an even worse hell..and den bak to hell again!!
*I had another crazy episode t day brittany =( ..mhmm this is crazy dude, this one was worse..ill tell u bout it another time if u remind me*
Steve is all mad at me now..Britt dont like him neither..i dont know why..but im sure it has something to do wif how im always leavin to talk wif him..well im not sure..dats jus wat i think..i dont have any idea tho..
Well im gonna go now..gotta go shoppin wif my slut/bitch/cunt/fuckin asshole mother..*gotta get britts present* and duffey and becky dawn n glors..got the rest of ppls presents..but ive still got a bit of pplz left!! =)
well bye now!!
love..me..=/
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behindmysmile
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2003 27 November :: 11.10pm
:: Mood: relaxed
:: Music: My baby~~By::Bow wow
Well lets see here..t day was fuckin awesome!! lol it started out shitty..and den i got to see my baby Steve. I luv him soo much! I cant even begin to explain how i feel fo dis kid..Hes so sweet and sensitive..and *sucha great kisser* My mom likes him kinda..but my step dad loves him lol!! They were talkin upstairs while watchin the game fo like an hour or something lol..Oh gosh and my mom found out dat he was turnin 17 t day..and like kinda freaked out lol..but shes kool wif it now..
Lets see wat else to write bout..Well okay i know..
Okay Chelsie thinks dat like i dont luv her and all of this shit..and same goes fo sidnee n becky n ashley n all of those pplz well ya know wat..i do care bout em..its jus britt means more to me..and dats it..no more needed to tell..ya'll need to jus accept da fact dat your never going to amount up to brittany..ur never gonna mean as much to me as brittany..but i do care bout all of you..jus not as much!! SO JUS ACCEPT IT..MOVE ON..STOP ACTIN LIKE YOUR ALL DEPRESSED OR SOME FUCKIN SHIT!! Ex stacey omfg!! Shes not my best friend..brittany is..no matter wat..and she jus wont accept dat and jus be friends wif me..it drives me fuckin nuts!! *chelsie dont u dare take this da wrong way..i do luv you, alot!! Your a really really great friend..so dont think dat i dont car ebout you*
I dont know..im jus in a really good mood..Steve omfg he makes me feel so comfortable and loved and relaxed *maybe da was da massage tho* lol I dont know..he jus is soo sweet, and fun and funny and caring and oh gosh i dunno..im done..
latah everyone!
love..me!! =)
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behindmysmile
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2003 27 November :: 9.59am
:: Mood: *In A sHiT LoAd oF PaIn*
Looks like everyone around here is really happy..i sold be really happy seeings how its yah thanksgiving t day..but yah dats nothing to really be happy about this year..its more depressin than it is happy!! We've gotta go to my step dads moms which is going to suck cuz everyone there hates me and i hate everyone there. And then we've gotta go to my moms parents which is going to suck cuz i really dont like my grandmother on dat side..and cuz my grandpa is gone and ainnt gonna be there..its gonna be so awkward..and Kirsten or my brother aint going..katie is still i think? Not sure..but im glad Joshie is going..*ill xplain him latah..* But yah also a good thing is Steve is coming over..WOo HOo!! =/ Im kinda glad but kinda not..i dunno..im still in alotta pain, i really cant move my arms or my legs, it hurts to walk, it hurts to even touch something, joshie gave me a hug this morning and i thought dat he was stabbing me in da bak a million times!! But yah im gonna get going..a bubble bath sounds nice bout rite now..*plus ive gotta clean mwaha* and leave soon..but yah ill be bak latah! Bye!!
P.s. *Joshie* is kinda like my brother, ive known him my whole life, he was my moms friends son, and he wa smy and my brothers friend too, and like his mom is a crack addict and his dad is a drunk and leaves him for long times..so like he comes over to our house cuz my mom feels bad fo him kinda ya know? My mom is like his mom really..hes over soo much, and we see him soo often..but yah i luv him!! =)
Latah everyone..
love..me..=/
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behindmysmile
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2003 26 November :: 7.36pm
:: Mood: numb
Its all outta contral..
Omfg t day..has to have been one of the worst days ive had in a raelly long time..nobody likes me at skool anymore..everyone fuckin hates me..my grades r soo fuckin shitty..i hate skool!! And oh gosh then my family..
Well my mom is gone physco cuz of my grandpa n everything..and hey i dont blame her..my step dad is still his dickhead self..kirsten cant even stand up shes soo sick..everyone if fuckin crazy lately!!
My family hates me too..t day i couldnt even sit up straight..my arms my bak my whole friggin body hurts to move..i seroiusly wanted to kill myself it hurt so fuckin bad..And so my mom gave me one of her vicondins and like i went to go lay down and i slept fo a while..and den i came out a couple hours latah and my mom and bro said to jus leave and go bak to bed..*how sweet* and den like i come online..no britt or anyone..i feel so damn alone..steve is surposed to be comin over 2marro but i havent talked to him all day so i unno now..and dude then i go bak to my room and like i said tell me when dinner is done..and i like go in there n stuff and come bak out latah on, and like i come out into the kitchen and everyone is already ate and my mom is puttin everything away..and i said wat bout me and she said well get something dont bitch at me!! WTF?!?! I cant even eat wif my family..see the hate me..they dont wanna be around me..i dont wanna be around them..ive been screamin and crying and kickin and punchin and yellin all day long and nobody even notices..i feel like im jus da lil child they had but have forgotten about..dat they dont care bout..dat they lock up in her room forever..i dont wanna live anymore..im dead serious!! I fuckin hate everything..i jus wanna die!! Plz someone kill me..before i have to..
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behindmysmile
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2003 26 November :: 1.26pm
Everything dat once meant something..
Dnt mean shit anymore..
Everyone that used to care..
Dont give a fuck anymore..
Everything dat once was good..
Is fuckin hell now..
love..me.. =(
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behindmysmile
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2003 26 November :: 6.34am
WOo HOo!! =) Half day t day!! YaY!! I cant wait..lol But dat means i will barely see Steve!! =( mhmm oh well ill get to see him thurs!! On Thanksgiving!! YaY!! =) lol well nuffin else to write..hes really mad dat im not giong to be here fo christmas tho..he said he wanted to send christmas eve wif me.. =( oh well..i get to see da best person in da whole world sometime during break!! =) Wat a wonderful christmas present!! YaY!! lol im jus in a happy mood..
da only thing bad is my grandpa is going into open heart surgery in a few hours, and i cant even go to be wif him..my mom is and wilson is and everyone else is..but if i miss anymore skool i lose my credits fo my classes..*either days* phewie!! neways i hope hes okay..oh gosh..=(
neways latah!!
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behindmysmile
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2003 25 November :: 5.53pm
MWAHAHA DAT ENTRY WASNT BOUT BRITT AT ALL!! WOo HOo!! lol srry jus had to say dat..jus fo chels to read!! =)
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behindmysmile
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2003 25 November :: 5.47pm
:: Mood: frustrated
Urgh i hate being home alone..my mom is god knows where..prolly at da hospital..and wilson is prolly wif her cuz like her lil friends on da bus told me dat she got sick all over da classroom and had to move classes..ICK!! Poor lil shithead..i wonder how my grandpa is doing..i hope hes okay..i dont know wat id do without him..*sigh*
but on a happier note..I was wif Steve all day t day..and we skipped lunch and hung out in bak of da skool da whole time..hehe..and omfg he is like one of da BEST kissers ive ever went out wif or kissed lol!!!!
I really like dis kid..hes soo sweet!! oh well latahs!! =)
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behindmysmile
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2003 25 November :: 6.31am
skool..urgh.. =(
Yippie everyone is all like happy wif eachother again!! YaY!! =) Dats good..me glad!! =)
awwe omfg u sould have heard some of the stuff that steve was tellin me on the phone yesterday..he was sayin stuff about how he wanted to take me up to his cabin durin the summer *its up north* and he was talkin about how he wanted to take me to this certain place where we could lay on the beach and watch the sunset, and he said, exact words *We could lay together all nite and watch the suns beauty from the lakes shore, and nothing could be more perfect..* AWWE!! if u really knew me..youd know how im in luv wif sunsets/stars!! YaY!! He was also tellin me about how he was in luv at first site..and how he wants to know everything about me, and how he wants to be wif me forever, and how he wants to be my baby's daddy *long joke behind dat* And how he wants 2 kids, and how'd he be a stay home dad, and how he wants to be near me all the time..and when hes near me he feels like a king *haha* and how when he has a girl he mite be tough in front of his friends, but when hes wif his gurl, its all bout da gurl and da gurl is da princess!! Awwe =) Im glad i talked to him last nite.. =)
This one is by FAR VERY FAR better than Mikey..mikey was nothing compared to him!! Nobody can ever compare to him!! =)
Oh and i already told him dat he mite be second but nobody will ever be my 1st cept fo britt..and hes kool wif dat SOO BOOO YA!! *sticks tongue out at certain ppl den giggles* Plus he said dat i will always be second but, his younger brother dats *handycapped* will always be his 1st..AWWE!! hehe..his bro is really awesome and sucha friggin sweetheart tho!! =)
neways latah!! =)
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behindmysmile
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2003 24 November :: 9.22pm
:: Mood: confused
I wish i could kill myself rite now..if only i had da fuckin guts..well i guess ive got da guts..jus hmm i unno..
haha they all think im soo happy now cuz im PERKY..haha im soo good its not even kool..rite now i jus wish i would die..and omfg my grandpa could be dead rite now..i wouldnt even fuckin knw..aint dat a bitch..im surposed to be offline in case something does happen so my mommy could call..but i wanna talk to britt so me stayin! =)
latah..
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behindmysmile
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2003 24 November :: 8.09pm
:: Mood: confused
*sTiLL c0nFuZeD*
Ya wanna know wat i figured out..
LIFE FUCKIN SUCKS!! AND EVERYONE CAN JUS FUCKIN GO TO HELL FO ALL I CARE..*cept britt* =)
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behindmysmile
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2003 24 November :: 3.48pm
:: Mood: blank
And the subject of my humilation t day would be..
Wow t day was great fun..me n duffey *sid* arent friends really anymore..i told her dat i heard dat she was talkin shit behind my bak, and yah blah blah..me and Becky Dawn arent talkin cuz i WAS talkin shit behind her bak..dont wrry it was purposly told to ppl da ti knew would tell her..and uhm yah i think dats it..
Omfg guess wat else?! Well yah steve was callin me at 3 10 exactly and like den katie called at like 3 05 and like it sounded important so i let her talk to my mom..and den like they got off and my aunt had to call my mom bak rite then..and then steve called and i had to tel lhim id call him bak..and den like yah my grandpa had a heart attack..hes in ccu..i guess he had one of the worst heart attacks dat yo ucould have.. =( Yah, member me sayin dat i couldnt live without my grandparents? Well yah this is his second one..and like the doctors told my grams cuz she works at da hospital dat he cant member anything..and like he mite not mak eit through da nite..HOLY FUCKIN SHIT..WAKE UP CALL!!! Ive been worried bout stupid shit lately..and den dis comes..HOLY SHIT!!!
oh well i dont care..i dont care bout anything..who cares..nobody..neways bye!! Gotta call steve n tell him whas going on den go to da hospital wif katie..
britt if u get on..im srry ill be bak asap!! But katie needs me rite now..if she didnt i woul dbe here..im srry luv you bye!!
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behindmysmile
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2003 24 November :: 6.36am
:: Mood: lonely
ahh..i got offline last nite..and after all of dat b.s. dat happened or dat i did, i bawled soo hard..and den Steve called *I was hoping it was britt but oh well* Den we talked fo a while and he made me feel so much better, cept he got into a wreck wif his dirtbike thingy..dat wasnt too nice..but den he had to call me bak in 5 and like den britt called!! Yippie doddle dandy!! =) we actually talked bout alotta stuff!! I luv her soo much shes awesome!! And britt im srry bout all of this okay? IM REALLY TRUELY SRRY!!! I LUV YOU!!
And den i wake up and megan is online..mhmm..i dont know anymore..she seemed kool n stuff, n ya know wat da funny thing is..i really cant be mean to ppl like wat my grams always says..I get along wif everyone..so dat was really hard pushin stacey n megan away..*no offence meg* but stacey more cuz she means/meant alot to me ya know? Oh well i dont care anymore, screaw her, screaw meg, screaw court, screaw everyone!! I DONT GIVE A FUCK ANYMORE!!
Megan jus says im confused rite now..maybe shes rite..maybe not..either way..I dont want to be friends wif anyone but britt..I will go to skool, as a loner, forever, never have any friends, jus sit in a table by myself every free time, sit in da furtherest desk away from everyone, dont talk to anyone, *cept dat lil justin kid dat sharpens my pencil when im too lazy to do it myself in lit comp!!* hehe but yah i dont know..forget everyone dats ever meant anything to me!! Im gonna like make a new sn and have only britt know it!! So dat way she knows im not talkin to anyone else.. =(
Q:If i jumped off a bridge would u follow..?
A:NO!!
Q: If you jumped off a bridge would i follow u?
A: I WOULD HAVE ALREADY JUMPED TO BE DA SOFT, WARM SPOT YOU LAND ON!! =(
skool now=EWWIE!! now ive gotta deal wif jess on da bus..cuz she knows something is up..im bout to call james n wake him up to comeget me..i unno latah everyone..i mean latah britt!!
love..me.. =(
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behindmysmile
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2003 23 November :: 5.01pm
Well i made an online journal community thingy fo all of us *Brittany me chelsie Megan and Hellana!!* But rite now theres some kind of error thingy, im gonna write to Andy *the dude in charge of this site* cuz like i really wanna get it to work..but its doing something stupid..but oh well ill get it to work some time..ill try gain 2marro!!
Not too much happened t day! But everyone got journals..YIPPIE SKIPPIE!! lol but neways gotta get offline now, so be bak latah britt if u get online read da entry before this one! I luv u soo much and mis syou! latah babe!
Everyone else, LUV YOU ALL TOO!! =) hehe
love..me!!
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behindmysmile
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2003 22 November :: 9.50pm
:: Mood: good
Wow..i actually feel good..
Well t day, i had like soo much friggin fun!! *Thanks chelsie fo everything t day, i had a friggin blast*
I was surposed to call steve at 9 when i got home..but like uhm yah i didnt cuz i was hopin dat britt would come bak and would wanna talk to me..but nope..i guess ill jus try gain 2marro.. =( even tho shes busy then too..
I jus dont know wat to do anymore..i heard soo much lately..and its jus like wtf? Its stuff dat i would never expect to be true..but i guess if i think bout it..it is..but oh well i dont really care anymre..
BriTt ReAd::
J d shortier 623: u gotta take care of her down there fo me sinc ei cant..:-\
Rockergurl215: if u wanna ask that from time to time dont worry u can talk 2 me "OK I PINKY PROMISE I WILL"
J d shortier 623: thank u soo friggin much emily..dat means alot to me!! U better take care of her;-)
Rockergurl215: ::OF COURSE THATS WAT IM HERE 4 ::
Rockergurl215: and plus ur tha bestest friend any 1 could ever ask 4
Awwe ur best friend is soo sweet! srry dat i was talkin wif her! I luv u lots gotta go cuz im not feeling good..if u wanna talk call me, if not den i hope we can talk 2marro if not den wateva but i luv u and miss u soo friggin much!! Bye!
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