And Just Like That, In A Flash, The World Changed Forever
Wow, reader, where did this week go?
Every day feels like an ageless infinity - like it will never end - like night can't come soon enough. I think it's been a month now that I've simply toiled my way until the moon rose in the sky. Yet, for the entire month, I've also stayed up endless hours of the night, sometimes even til the sun came up. Maybe it's my knowledge of summer; the knowledge that I have the ability to forgo all responsibility in favour of doing nothing for weeks on end. It's a relaxing feeling - it has been an amazing feeling, relaxing for a month, though it's been a tumultuous month indeed.
I can't even vividly remember what has happened. There were many conversations with Sarah. There was also that random conversation with Jacky for the first time in forever. We have still yet to meet. There was playing WoW with Leslie... that happened. There was the late library book, and the movie night with Amie; movie night was probably the most memorable.
Then there was tonight, where I went to the movies with Leslie, Matt, and April. We saw The Happening. It wasn't good; I expected much better from M. Night Shyamalan. Afterwards, we went to hang out at a playground briefly. Too brief, in my opinion, but it's always a joy to see my friends. So I can't complain, right?
Sarah is now on her summer break. She also has her job, and just received her car. Soon, very soon, I will be planning my trip to South Carolina in more detail. I'd like to go before or after peoples birthday. Since Amie will be in London on her birthday, that would be most convenient. I still don't know what it going on for second semester summer of school, but I'll have that figured out soon. My cousin's wedding is in two weeks. I suppose I'm ready to go; my mom is going through too much trouble to impress (as usual). I still need something to use as a rope for my key-necklace. I have been writing a little more lately. I've remained fairly consistent on Voilà! I recruited a new writer too, though her first article is a little bit off key from what I was hoping for.
I got a message from one of the guys from Via Audio. They are going to be in Dallas tomorrow, with a show in the evening. They also are having a live in-store performance at Good Records, and invited me. I don't know if I want to go, or if I can, but I'm certainly intrigued. I suppose I'll figure out tomorrow. On Sunday, Rilo Kiley comes to town with Thao Nguyen. I have been wanting to go for several months now, but didn't want to go alone. I invited Jean, because she likes Rilo Kiley, and she hasn't been to a show. Seeing a band she wouldn't mind seeing would be a great way to spend a first show; I remember how poor my first show went (there is irony in what I just said, though only one person might catch it). I don't know if Jean wants to go, and I haven't heard a thing from her since I asked her. But we'll see, I suppose; it depends on what she's doing of Sunday, and I haven't forgotten what her parents are like. I won't be going to the show if she doesn't come along - I don't want to go alone this time.
Reader, where has the time been flying? Is it flying north for the summer? The days are so long, yet in retrospect were far too short. It doesn't make sense. But maybe it's not supposed to? That was rhetorical, reader. All I can do is live on from day to day, and hope for the best. I'm certainly hoping.
::
2008 8 June :: 8.36pm
:: Music: Paper Planes - M.I.A.
Rudolph and The Two Runs, or, Moving On When Moving On Is Never An Option, or, As Told By Ginger From Florence
Reader, reader, reader.
What would I do without you?
I would still be writing.
I'd be talking to the ceiling; I would be scribbling away, page by page, or fervently typing away endless letters, vowels, phrases, sentences, paragraphs, until there is nothing more to be written. But for some reason, you return, and you read. That brings me a little solace.
I've been talking to Sarah a lot more recently. Though, I suppose it would help if I told you more about her. Sarah is one of Rachel's old friends, whom I met (via internet) sometime last year. She seemed like an interesting person, and I wanted to get to know her better. We talked back and forth for quite some time through Myspace. At some point, we fell out of talking for no readily apparent reason.
Three weeks or so ago, I was trying to talk to more people. And she happened to be around. Raelizing I hadn't talked to her in forever, I started conversation with her. It hasn't died out, so I suppose that's a good thing.
I guess I'll tell you, reader, my plans for summer. I haven't told this to anyone yet, really, but I think it's time for me to put the message out there. Sarah lives in Florence, South Carolina. We were talking about travel, and I was telling her about how I haven't really traveled anywhere interesting. This got me to thinking, not only about how little I have traveled, but how many of my friends have traveled. Amie is going to leave to London, Ethan is going to Germany, Taylor is coming from Montana to Texas, Christina is going to San Antonio... Everyone is leaving somewhere, and for the past three years, I haven't done anything interesting with my summer.
With that in mind, I decided that I would like to visit Sarah in South Carolina. I really wanted this to be a roadtrip, but my mom convinced me otherwise due to gas prices. There are no definite plans, but the idea is that I will fly into Florence from DFW sometime within the next month. I'm really excited to go; I want to get out of this town and have a real adventure like my friends. Things still need to get sorted out, as far as plans, and buying plane tickets, and finding a place to stay while in Florence are concerned. But as I plan with Sarah, I'm anxious to leave. I'm ready.
Cullen left a bulletin on Myspace yesterday about suggestions for rap songs to remix. He's been remixing a lot recently, which is cool. I suggested a lot. Then I randomly developed a crazy obsession with rap. I started listening to tonnes like crazy out of nowhere. So much so that I decided to make a playlist and post it on Voilà!. I'll include the playlist at the bottom of this entry.
I've been playing WoW a lot more. I realize this is a defense mechanism for me; it's not the first time that I've tried to drown out my reality in fiction. But at this point, I find my possible options dwindling. I applied to a library and Plato's Closet for a summer job. I was accepted at neither - a saddening truth. I will be applying at other shops that I have a mild interest in working at, but the fact remains that I don't have much to do with my time. I busy myself with mundane entertainments day in, day out, trying to soothe my confused soul. It's working like a drug, but it's doing what I want, which is distracting me, so I can't complain too much.
I've also been a little inspired. Leslie plays WoW a lot more than I thought she did. She has multiple level 70s, as well as other high level characters. I only have one level 70 character, and a few others which are fairly low. Now that I know she's online frequently, I'm more intrigued in playing to catch up to Leslie's character, as well as her boyfriend Matt's character. I've played with her a couple times now. She's such a joy - it's cool that we share an interest like this, especially since it's so nerdy! And it's fun to spend time with her, even if it is on the internet.
I had a funny dream last night. Leslie, Matt, and I playing WoW before I went to bed. We had a conversation about different characters, where Leslie mentioned that she didn't like the Tauren (cow-like characters). We joked about her dislike of them for a little while after that,since Matt and I both have tauren. I digress: last night, I had a funny dream. I don't remember many of the details, but it had something to do with me trying to keep a cow from dying. There is so much more to it, but I am almost positive that this dream was because of the aforementioned conversation. Hahaha, so strange, so strange.
Oh reader, oh reader. I would not thrive without this. I vent to you because I have nobody else to vent to. I don't even really know who reads, reader. I don't know if anyone can interpret a word I say. But I write away...
::
2008 6 June :: 4.29am
:: Mood: thirsty
:: Music: Last Dinosaur - The Pillows
The Equation
Rats, and rats, and rats...
Yeah, I know, you're thinking about The Blood Brothers now. Well, at least if you're savvy on your music knowledge. If not, then I was just being ironic anyway. No, I have nothing to say about Blood Brothers songs... I have things to say about rodents. Rats, I tell you! Apparently my mom saw a huge one snacking out of the cat bowl this evening. I didn't really believe her, but she set up a puny mouse trap for it. The rat fell for it, but the trap only snapped on it's skin. It probably got hurt, but it made it's get away effortlessly. I set up an intricate trap for it (involving a wooden salad fork and some tasty Chinese food). I'll catch the devilish bugger yet!
The week has passed by slowly. But if I try to recall the week, you would be sorely disappointed, reader. A slur of words and a blur of days have passed by. They were all eventful, yet all eventless. So much took place, and yet nothing at all. But for the sake of something interesting to read, I'll try my best to recount what I remember.
Wednesday I hung out with Amie for the first time in two weeks, I believe. I'm thankful that we still have opportunities to chill with each other, especially since her schedule is somewhat busy. We went to Pei Wei and ate messily together. Two people she knew said hello to her. We returned to my house as the sun set, and lolled about on the couches in the living room, watching Donnie Darko. Like several of my friends, Amie has missed out on (in my opinion, anyway) some pretty great movies. Something like two years ago, we planned on making up a list of movies that we would watch together. But it never happened for whatever reason. Well now this mythical list is tangible, and includes fascinating movies such as Repo Man, Dead Like Me, Noriko's Dinner Table, and more to be added soon. Donnie Darko has a line scratched through it.
I've watched a movie called Noriko's Dinner Table several times. It's a fascinating Japanese film that I'm now addicted to. I really want a copy for myself, since the copy I saw is from Netflix. If you like Japanese culture, this is a must see, though the storyline is TWISTED.
I know what's happening. And I know what's happening while that's happening. And I honestly don't know what to do about anything that is happening. But regardless, it's happening. I don't know if it's a good thing that either thing is happening. Both have their goods and bads. Both are beneficial and detrimental. I don't know if I should act on either. I suppose I'll go with the flow. That was the equation; everything worked out the first time. I didn't enjoy it the first time, but I'm finding that I have literal choice given the current circumstance.
Speaking of all this happening business, The Happening is going to be opening in theatres on Friday the 13th! I've always been a fan of Shyamalan's movies, despite the critiscism they've recieved. The Village was kind of a let down... I thought it would be a lot scarier. Signs was wonderful. That last movie he did - the modern day fairy tale thing - was quite lame though. But the big difference is that this is his first R rated movie. The Village was apparently almost R-rated. But this time Shyamalan isn't letting anything holding back his movies since he's allowing it to get labeled with this rating. I'm intrigued; I'd like to see it with Leslie and April!
Tonight was the graduation of the 2008 class. It's the first graduation I've been to since my own. I couldn't help getting a little sentimental; there were so many people I knew in this class. So many people's I've held at least a little respect for - that I've spent time with - that I've gotten to know. It's just a weird experience. I never had that experience with my graduation, because I didn't really have many friends in my year, nor did I care for many of the obnoxious people who I once called my peers. This year was much different. Ethan graduated, Maggie graduated, Mia graduated. And Leslie... oh, my Leslie. That's the one that almost brought a tear to my eye, but I held them back since I was in public. I will admit, last year I was worried for her. She was struggling with her schoolwork. She was concentrating like she should. She was busy falling in love with Matt.
Matt has proved to be an excellent boyfriend. More than anything I ever expected. They've had their issues... major issues... mature issues that nobody our age should have to deal with. But they made it through; they did things right. Leslie showed how mature she was by handling these situations like an adult. She has changed a lot in the way she conducts herself. Her life has changed a lot, but her personality hasn't changed at all, and I love that about her. In any case, she was busy falling in love, and was letting her schoolwork slack. I was worried something bad might happen, like failing high school. But she made a complete turn-around. She fixed everything. She took trash, and turned it to gold. She took her (honestly) worthless failing grades, and turned them into unbelievably passing grades. She got accepted to TCU. All while supporting a relationship. All while building bonds with her family. All while maintaining a social life. She did it all like a pro. I could blabber on for hours about her accomplishments, but the simple fact is, nothing I can possibly articulate can utter how infinitely proud I am of her. How I love her so. Crying is worthless on people I don't care for, that's why I save it for those who really matter. I don't cry for people I don't love.
After the graduation ceremony, I decided to congratulate Leslie down by the bottom of the stadium. I luckily caught her; her smile was memorable (and by the way, I'll never forget that nervous smile of hers that she wore as she sat awaiting to walk across the stage). I went around to the other side of the stadium to say hi to all the band kids. I eventually sneaked down onto the floor, pretending to be with the band, to walk and talk with the BHC folks. I also so Julia, whom I hadn't seen in forever. I even saw Sadie for the first time in person. I almost didn't recognize her at first, and probably looked like an idiot, but I realized later (and probably looked like an idiot again). Even Cullen said hi to me (I didn't expect that at all). The BHC - Amie + Julia + Sadie + Travis + Daniel + Brad + others all went on a big adventure after the ceremony, and I joined in. They were supposed to go to Chili's... which turned to going to IHOP... which turned into going to Whataburger. Somehow we all spent at least an hour (if not longer). It was fun; I wish I knew some of these people better. They're my type of friends.
Oh how strange my life is, reader. I don't even know what to say anymore. Maybe I don't need to say anything? Maybe I need to drift off with the current. Maybe I should start going to bed earlier. Maybe I should just give it up. Maybe I should meet more people. Maybe, maybe, maybe, reader. So many maybe's - nothing set in stone.
Maybe I'll write something later. Maybe, reader, maybe.
::
2008 2 June :: 1.52pm
:: Music: In The Cinema Alone - Memphis
My Sister, My Love
So exhausted.
I hardly slept last night.
Let's see... let's start from the beginning.
Friday was sporadic. Moped most of the day, busying myself with nothing in particular. Late in the day, I learn that Leslie and April are going to see Indiana Jones. Of course, I would rarely miss a chance to hang out with our little trio, so I accepted and whisked myself to Starplex. We met there in the parking lot, somewhat by accident; Matt, Leslie's boy, was there, but he was watching The Strangers with his sister - just a strange coincidence. We chit chatted briefly before going inside. This is why I love my sister - this is why I love hanging out with these two - every situation we seem to put ourselves in turns out completely random. There's always a story, and we take nothing seriously together. We sat around, making our own commentary as the obscenely... strange movie had Indiana Jones chasing alien skulls made of crystal. The movie was a joke, so we treated it as such; I'm sure we bothered the older couple behind us.
After the movie, instead of parting ways, we somehow hung around April's car talking about nothing in particular for something like half an hour. I wouldn't have had it any other way. Before we left, April wanted to borrow Leslie's year book. We then were elected to be driven back to the other side of the small parking lot by Leslie for no reason... hahaha. Good times.
Saturday was a family day. I lingered on the computer for I'm not sure how long before 5 o'clock rolled around. Then I made my way to my grandma's house where a gourmet dinner of hamburgers was had, only after I mowed the lawn though. My grandma gave me $20 for it... it bothers me to accept money from her, for some reason, but I took it anyway. My mother, my grandma, and myself then watched The Golden Compass. TERRIBLE MOVIE. Do not ever watch it, ever. It veers completely off the plot of the book; the movie and book are nothing similar. It was a travesty.
Sunday was Leslie's graduation party. I didn't know what to expect; it sounded like it would be a bustling fête at Leslie's house with the majority of her family. When I arrived, indeed, there were quite a few of her family members, but not near as much as I expected. The event was much more chilled than I thought it would be. Leslie's family is very nice, though a bit eccentric. But April, myself, Leslie, Matt, and Derrek (Leslie's real little brother) kept to ourselves in Leslie's room. We played Battleship, Pokemon Stadium 2, and Super Smash Brothers on Leslie's N64. We completely lost track of time, for after what seemed like a mere hour, it was already 11. We parted ways.
When I returned home, I decided not to sleep at midnight, even though I was tired. I was not ready for sleep. I stayed up til two watching The Bourne Supremacy. Then I debated Harry Potter with a friends via the interblag for nearly an hour, and wrote today's article in Voila! for nearly another hour. All in all, it was somewhere around 4:30 before I even climbed into bed. I was (possibly) supposed to be awake to help my boss move things up at Richard Wilson Elementary School, meaning I had to wake up by 8. I didn't fall asleep until 6, and though it turns out I didn't have to help, I still woke up at 8. Luckily I was able to get more sleep, and slept til 12:30. Six hours is still SO FAR from healthy... alas.
I love my sister - I love Leslie - I sincerely do. Leslie is my pacemaker. She lifts my heart up higher than any of my friends. Her personality is very carefree, which is beyond comfort. So many people out there judge me, and murmur to themselves about my oddities. I say, it sincerely lowers my confidence. But Leslie... she never did that. It's as if we were best friends already, that day I met her at Panther City, during the last week of high school in 2006. She treated me as an equal before she even knew my name; she never judged me. She earned my trust instantly. Leslie is silly, and she makes her mistakes, but everyone makes their mistakes. Regardless, she is a beautiful, kind, happy girl. I have never had a sour note - not one moment where I felt sad, downtrodden, angry, or upset, when I was around Leslie. She lifts my heart and my mind higher than I can express. She helps me forget what I dislike in this world. Leslie shows me how to live a little better, and when she can't, we spend some time together. And our time together is irreplaceable, because the time I spend together with her is always perfect. I can honestly say that I have not felt as happy as I did last night in the past three weeks. I owe that girl so much...
She maturely glorifies immaturity, and immaturely toys with mature situations; she is the bridge between a child and an adult, and it's a beautiful thing to witness. She has a truly unique personality that I know I will never meet in all my days. She is one of my best friends. She is my sister. I love Leslie.
::
2008 24 May :: 1.12pm
:: Mood: lethargic
:: Music: Vampires In Blue Dresses - Margot & The Nuclear So & So's
Don't Throw It Away, O Calico Queen
Unique, reader. Unique oddities. Strange, unusual, weird happenings all around me. Is this normal? Is this how everyone else acts on a regular basis? Is this the world I have distanced myself from for so long? Or was this wild and coincidental? Was this just a queer chain of events that formed itself around me and led me into an adventure? Who knows, but I'll tell you the story.
Yesterday, I woke up with a yawn and a text message. The message was from Kat Fay, who I hadn't seen since a random "party" [slash] gaming "event" at her brother Corey's house. We were talking the night prior due to issues that are her business, which she can reveal to you on her own Xanga. We talked for a few hours (via text message) as I languored about the house. After a couple hours, and a strange movie I was watching about a guy who basically invented the tabloid and paparazzi, Kat and I organized to meet up at her apartment. I met her there with a guy named Tucker, who I vaguely remember from Paschal. Kat said her apartment was lame, but I thought it was glorious, despite the ventless vents. We three watched Stranger Than Fiction. Afterwards, we left, ironically, heading straight for Paschal.
We were heading to the showing of the drama-folk from Paschal's latest show, That's Absurd, a collection of... well, absurd plays. They were really well acted and put together, though the last play went WAY over my head.
Kat and Tucker had theorized about heading to Tucker's house and having a few people over for a festive time. Alcohol would be involved. I must freely admit, I wasn't too keen on the idea. But my car was back at Kat's apartment complex, and I was feeling quite lonely, regardless of my fellow company. I needed to be social, because the bleak loneliness I knew that awaited me at home, lost in my own head, spinning myself in circles silly, was not somewhere I wanted to be.
We got to Tucker's place, which was nice and comfortable. There's nothing special about it - a house is a house - but if you were told to view the inside of a house, and then describe it in the most illuminating way possible using a single object, I would have compared it to a big, old, comfortable couch. It looked like somewhere nice to be comfortable. I soon realized that this little trio of ours was going to grow exponentially. I still wasn't sure if I wanted to be there, but seeing as I couldn't go home, I didn't worry myself.
After we remained dalliant for a short while, they proceeded to look for the alcohol in the house. Both were particularly excited in a bottle of sake that Tucker had. They heated it up while we watched somewhat unenthusiastic summer movie previews. Once it was heated, they offered me a shot. I took it, never having had sake before. It tasted warm and very smooth. I had another shot, knowing that there wasn't much left to drink anyway.
The rest of the company arrived later. I hardly remember anyone, because the introductions were so short, and I suck at remembering people like that; I know that Matt Slayter, who I've only heard so much about from my friends, was there - he's a good, cool guy - and Claire Parker, who I sort of (though not really) knew in high school. Eight of us in all. The miniature fête went dead-set to remove their sobriety. Now, normally I'm not the drinking type - you would compare my tendencies to a drought. But this time reader, I felt like having some. I wanted to see what this was all cracked up to be. I knew these sort of get-togethers happened on a daily basis, but because of the friends I'm friends with, I've never been involved in one (not that this is necessarily a bad thing). I wanted the experience; I wanted to know if it was as fun as I've been told. I grabbed a mini-bottle of champagne and returned to the movie we were watching.
And it was really simple, really. We hung out, talked, watched the movie, and drank. I didn't have much, honestly; the small bottle, a few gulps of wine which was good and I savoured, and those two shots of sake. Most of the others had much more, but I didn't want any more, and that was that. There was no pressure to drink, there was no anger when I didn't want any; none of that jargon you hear from angry parents. Declining alcohol was like declining a cup of lemonade.
Nevertheless, it was getting around mid-night, and as the other's inebriation was beginning to grip heavy on them, I wanted to leave. I didn't want to be bumbling through a window or something at home around five in the morning; I wasn't THAT eager to be social. Tucker, who drove us to his house, though he seemed fine, knew he was gone, and couldn't drive for another five hours or so. Kat didn't have her car, and she was going to her house anyway, so that didn't help me. Thankfully, two girls, whom I don't remember the names of, were willing to give me a ride to Kat's apartment to my car. We left after the movie was over; they were sweeties when they asked if they could smoke, worried about offending me, hahaha. They got me back to my car and I went home perfectly fine.
Reader, it wasn't that bad. I learned I can have fun in a quote-unquote "mature" setting without feeling bad or however people tell me you're supposed to feel at these sort of get-togethers. And though I'm still a little confused about things right now, I met some people and had some fun. I don't want that to be a regular happening - I still don't like drinking - but last night, it was alright. I think I made someone mad in doing this... but there's nothing I can do about that.
But here is the part, reader, where I get confused. I have a lot more to say, but I don't want to say them until they're absolutely confirmed. Maybe I have a fear of these plans of mine going bottom up due to being jinxed. Maybe I just want the confirmation before I start spouting off about it in general. Let's just say that I hope the next couple weeks prove as they do in my head. Until next time, reader.
::
2008 22 May :: 10.27pm
:: Mood: irate
:: Music: 101 - Albert Hammond Jr.
Anger Consumes
MY GOOOOOOOOOD, I should not have to deal with this impudent, ignorant garbage!
Let me run this down for you:
I did this photography deal where I tied some disposable cameras to some benches the other day. It was very fun. I loved it. Not the point.
I went to CVS to develop my film, since they're literally right across the highway from me. They've always done a fair job at developing my film.
I got in there the day after the photo experiment. Talk to a nice lady who runs the photo-machines. No biggie. She says pick them up at five, and that's perfect for me. Off I go to work.
Get there at 6. New people are working, but that shouldn't bother me. It's just me grabbing my photos and jetting. I get them - they turned out excellent - love them. I pay a lot for them, but it was worth it. I'm out the door. Hop in the car. Gave them one quick look as I was about to pull out of the parking lot. Then I realized, shit, the CD I asked for isn't there. GREATTTT.
Turned around and walked back in. Told this girl who looked a couple years older than me about the situation. She acted like I was an idiot, saying, "Well, you probably didn't ask for CDs." Fuck that, I TOLD the photography lady I wanted CDs, to her face, and she said she'd write the information down. The girl was still oblivious to life and acted like she was on pot as she tried to figure out what to do. She finally said, "Well, leave the negatives here. We'll put them all on a CD for you."
"When will they be done?" I queried.
"Tomorrow, at five." Does that sound unreasonable? Just to transfer some film? I somehow think so. But I breathed deep, agreed, and handed over my negatives, keeping my prints.
Today arrives. Went there about an hour ago.
A guy who didn't even realize I was there for two minutes finally noticed me. Asked for my name; gave me my CD. "Now go over there, and I'll have you pay for that."
"Wait, I already paid for the film," I said, "And I was supposed to get this CD yesterday anyway."
"The CDs for film cost extra." I was peeved. I'm not about to pay for something I should've gotten in the first place. I explained the situation, he said it was fine to just leave, so I left.
I get home and upload the film to the compy. Everything seems normal until I discover the startling truth: Only half of my pictures are on the CD. HALF! I developed two rolls of film for $15+ dollars, have gotten ignorance spoon fed to me the entire time, and now only HALF of my film is here? FUCK THAT. What's more, only one roll of my negatives came with the CD. Where the other roll went is only known by God.
Is this unreasonable? I sincerely think so. I'm going to fucking break some faces in tomorrow. With words. Fucking shit!
::
2008 19 May :: 8.55am
:: Music: C Is The Heavenly Option - Los Campesinos!
But That's Something I'll Never Do
A slew of things to say.
I've kept busy, I guess you could say.
Today was certainly busy.
But the present after the past.
First and foremost, as I've been told some of you have been told already, yes, Jean and I have broken up. It was her decision, but I understand her reasoning and respect it. I'm still frazzled about it, but I suppose that's to be expected. We are still good friends - she being one of my best and most trusted - and I intend to keep it that way.
My great-uncle, my grandma's brother, died the other day. There wasn't much anyone could have done about it; he was ready to go. I can't say I knew, honestly, anything about him, so it hasn't been too bad for me. The rosary was today, and the funeral is tomorrow. I was requested to be the pallbearer, but due to other matters, they found someone else instead. Though I'm not really affected by this, it still adds a lot of stress to my shoulders.
Things are fishy with my job at the FWISD. They aren't sure if they want to re-hire me for next year. Most of the animosity comes from a certain people I will not mention who are a bit too cranky and selfish to take the time and understand others. The decision will be made sometime in the upcoming week. I don't know which way the decision will go - either is possible. I'll let everyone know what happens though.
In other news, I went applying for a new job. Not necessarily to replace the After-School job. The program I'm working with right now ends as of this coming Thursday, and to keep a flow of money in my bank account, I decided it'd be keen to snag myself a summer job. I applied at the Benbrook Library (thanks Amie), and at Plato's Closet. Shockingly, Plato's gave me an interview on the spot! I'm due in for the interview tomorrow before work.
I took pictures for International Take Pictures Of Your Day Day today. I may post them later this week.
I realize I've told five different things to five people, but as I continue to indulge in Death Cab's new album, Narrow Stairs, I'm continuing to find it more amazing than the last listen. It has a different sort of groove and attitude from Transatlanticism and Plans (completely different from earlier albums), but is still good in an odd, novel sort of way. I posted an documentary on Death Cab and the new album on my music blog. You should check that out. http://voilamusic.blogspot.com/2008/05/open-windows-death-cab-documentary.html
I'm still looking for potential writers for my music blog. If you like to blab about music, do so publicly! It's fun, I promise. Don't get me wrong, the site has quite a number of visitors that seems to read it, and we have a few writers. But the more the merrier! So if you're interested, message me, and I'll tell you more.
Today I tied some disposable cameras around town. One was on a table in between Starbucks and Bed Bath and Bodyworks in the shopping centre on Hulen, near DSW and Marble Slab. The other was in the Tanglewood Playground in Overton Park, across from the elementary school, on a bench by the basketball court. Both cameras were used entirely. I'm really excited to develop them!
I realized that though I may want to take a first semester summer course, I may not be able to. My grandma is going to be having surgery for her eyes (cataracts), and will need help to live and stuff when my mom can't. This will mean I'll be waking up at like, 8:00 in the morning (in my summer, mind you) to go to her house, keep her company, and help her out. Wahhh.
Besides all that, folks, I'm quite STRESSED at the moment. Four and three days ago, I lived by keeping myself busy doing absolutely nothing productive, which I hate to do. The last two days have been lived on a strict schedule and time frame, which I hate to be constricted by even more than doing nothing. There's just a lot going on, and a lot going on in my head. I'm not sure what to think about things, but they seem to be making me drift with the current. So since I feel lost at sea, I suppose I'll let this ocean of business sweep me away to some tropical island off the map - castaway - and see where this sailing adventure has in store for me.
::
2008 14 May :: 7.48pm
:: Mood: morose
:: Music: Red Streetcar - Quruli
The Forecast
I let a spider die today.
I didn't mean to, honestly. I hate killing things, even if they're bugs. I hate hurting things. Because I can only imagine how much it would hurt if I were in the same situation. I was getting into the shower, and our shower's faucet had been leaking for nearly a week. We were saving the water in the tub for plants and stuff, because I felt bad to watch all that water pass senselessly down the drain. When I was ready to step in, I saw a spider drowning. I was angry at the time, and didn't want to help. But I couldn't let it drown in the water next to me. I took a cup, got the spider and water in it, and set it aside, thinking that I would let him out later. He didn't make it - he drowned in the cup, and I feel horrible about it. I don't like spiders, and if I had seen the same spider walking toward me in my room, I would have probably killed it. But I didn't want it to drown... oh well.
One of my family members died today. I don't know his relation to me - I believe he's my grandma's brother. In any event, he has been on dialysis for a while now. His wife recently passed away, and he hasn't been the same since; his condition has only declined. Finally, yesterday, the doctors said that there really wasn't any point to keep him on dialysis, and they took him off. I didn't know him, so it doesn't hurt so much for me. But I never like death. I never have liked funerals, or wills, or last wishes, or anything of the sort. I hate to see things end.
Yesterday, Jean broke up with me. The decision was hers. Basically, and I am condensing this as much as possible (for who knows what reason), Jean felt that she was too busy with her schoolwork - too dedicated to being successful in her schoolwork - and too committed with her future career to be committed to a boy. She knew that I liked and cared about her a lot, and she felt that she wasn't putting enough of herself as she should have been into our relationship. There are other reasons behind the break-up that I won't get into.
This is the part where I whine and moan about things. But I'm not going to whine or moan. Why? Because I respect Jean. When I gave her my trust, I told Jean that I trusted her completely. With my trust, comes my respect. She earned my trust; thus, she earned my respect. I stand by her decision because I respect her decision. Do I like her decision? No, not really. In fact, I can't stand it; it's hard to comprehend that we are nothing more than friends. But in our relationship, I put her before myself. I put her thoughts, feelings, ideals, and decisions before myself. Her decision was that she wanted to separate, and though I cried, though I questioned, though I begged for an alternative, the decision was hers. I respect her decision. I am single once more.
I do not like Jean's decision, but I'm sure that's obvious by now. I respect her decision. I respect her. We are still friends, and again, I find myself trying to hold on to a good situation. Even if it hurts - even if we can't be more than just friends - being friends with her is better than not being friends at all. And it's worked before. It worked with my current best friend. Let's just do it again. This tired song has played once before, but I'd rather listen to this than something else. Listen away.
I am hurt. I am very emotional. I am a little angry. I'll probably be snippy during conversations. I may not be able to hold a proper conversation for awhile. I may seem to lack a lot of inspiration. I'm more than likely to seem sullen and downtrodden. I may not look good physically, either, for awhile. But I assure you, all of this, and the stuff I'm not mentioning, is normal. Just help me along when you can tell I'm not feeling well. That's all I ask. Don't start a fuss. Don't stop talking to me just cause I seem depressed or angsty. And for those of you who know Jean, don't you dare say one cruel thing to her. She is one of the three people I care for most right now, not counting my grandma. If I hear that anyone has said something mean to her, even slightly, I'll make them regret it. I can't emphasize that enough.
I slept (or tried) for twelve hours today. I didn't want to wake up. I just wanted to sleep for as long as I possibly could. I wanted to avoid my life, and avoid my thoughts, as long as I possibly could. But I had to wake up. I have commitments. I just lack one previous commitment as the sun rose this morning. It was cloudy today. That's how I feel, but that's how life is, I guess. Life is partly cloudy. But I miss the sun already.
::
2008 13 May :: 1.32pm
:: Mood: thoughtful
:: Music: Head Against The Sky - Eisley
Tell Me Honest, Dear
Things change oh so fast in this life I call a life, reader.
They're quite tumultuous. They're quite confusing.
All in all, I haven't the faintest idea how I should deal with these situations that keep popping out of every angle - every aspect - around me, but I think I know how to deal. We'll see, I suppose.
I'll be honest now. I've been with the after-school program at my mom's school for about four months or so now. I love the program. I feel like I'm actually contributing to society somehow. Like I'm more than just a nameless face serving the masses; I'm a face with a name, and my job is important. Someone needs to fill my position; someone needs to take care of kids, and I'm taking care of them.
But I was informed that I was not apparently doing well in my position (in other people's opinions) at work.
Subject: Official Warning
Over the past 3 months, I and the other teacher have given you several guidelines on how to interact with the students. These are the areas that you still need improvement in.
*Having the students listen to you and respect your authority.
*Professional behaviour with students.
*Following the after school rules for discipline.
*Helping the staff and students without being prompted.
*Getting lessons done in a timely manner.
...If in the next three weeks, I do not see an acceptable amount of improvement in these areas, you will not be rehired for the 2008-2009 school year.
That's what the letter to me said. Now, I think I'm doing a great job, and as sad as it is to say, the people observing me have caught me at bad times. Now, I won't go into detail about all of these "faults" I have at my work. I will express that it seems a bit over-perfectionist to me, and reminds me of when I once almost was fired from Marble Slab. But that's a different story.
I'm trying to work on these "faults" of mine, reader, because I really want this job. Will I be heartbroken if I do get fired? No, not really. As much as I like the job, and as much as I'd like to keep the job (and the pay), I know that I have done an excellent job. I know that when these observers aren't looking, I'm doing an excellent job. If they expect perfection from me in a specific area within four days, and have given me minimal training in said area prior to the onset of responsibility, then I am doing a bang-up job, and they can't hold grudges like this against me. I'm doing everything in my power to keep my job, but I won't cry a river if I lose it. Hope for me, though.
I had a very emotional day yesterday. This weekend has been one of those, how do they say, reader? An emotional rollercoaster. I am very emotional. That's just how I roll, and that's something I'll never change. Maybe I read into details too much. Or maybe I'm too emotional sometimes. But that's just how I operate. In any case, a series of unusual events has brought me today, where I am thoroughly introspective over different aspects of my current situation. It's all quite stressful, but I know if I have a heart-to-heart with a certain heart, I may be able to get things settled out.
I know I am happy now, though sometimes you won't see me smiling. I know I am glad to be where I am, even though I'm not the most enthusiastic all the time. I know how I want this situation to be resolved, but I didn't plan fate out. I know how I'm going to try and settle all of this. Hopefully that will work. Hopefully. And if things don't follow in my favour - if things don't work out in the way I pray, I pray, I pray they do - if the way I am now - yesterday, today, and tomorrow - is shattered before your eyes and you gaze upon me as I pick up the pieces, well that's okay.
Things are changing in my life, reader. They're tumultuous. They're quite confusing. But I'm not going to hide from them - I'll take them head on. And hope for the best. I really really hope for the best now. But isn't that the same for all of us? We hope for the best in passing all our classes at school. We hope for the best when we drive in our cars, that we won't get into a wreck. We hope for the best, when call someone on the phone, our heart racing as we wait for them to answer. I hope for the best when the time comes. I really do. Til next time, reader, wish me well. I need well wishes.
::
2008 11 May :: 3.01pm
:: Mood: grateful
:: Music: Give Me A Place to Stand and I Will Move The Earth
The Year In Review
Last Friday, I was finally able to see Jean again. It was amazing, though far too short. Meeting her was also quite the adventure, because I am not exactly the type to travel around the metroplex. The plan was that after she got out of classes (at her school in Dallas), we would meet at Northpark Mall, which is literally down the street from her school. I had never been to Northpark, and have only briefly been to Dallas, so I didn't really know where I was going. To make matters worse, my printer decided not to work, so I couldn't print myself directions, either to or from the mall. I wrote some random directions on paper and hoped for the best.
The actual traveling wasn't as bad as I thought it would be, only made difficult by my nervousness. Jean soon after arrived and we spent time wandering the mall. I really liked her outfit. We ended up wandering in a short circle, not even exploring half of the mall together, before we decided to leave (I still want to see this duck pond though!). We went to Buffalo Exchange and perused for awhile. Sadly, Jean had to head home. Since I didn't have directions, we agreed that I would follow her to Euless, where I would find my own way back to Fort Worth. SO THANKFUL. All in all, it was a great day, especially since I hadn't seen her for over a week and a half. How I can't wait until the next time we meet. <3
Grades finally came in:
English - B
French - A
Biology - C
Government - B
They didn't end up the way I thought they would around midterms, but I'm definitely not complaining that I passed entirely. I'm especially proud of the A in French, because I didn't think I would score that high. I lament the B, because I know I could have done much better. Par for the course, it was the teacher's fault that I earned a B. I know I botched the entire final, because I didn't study near as much as I should have, but if he was as intelligent as he proclaimed (loudly) he was, he wouldn't have graded so harshly on my final essay.
I think he was angry at the rest in my class, and I can't say I blame him. I needed to make some last minute corrections to my paper because I realized I didn't write my bibliography. I did it properly and whatnot, but while I was in the computer lab, with my 95% finished paper, trying to spit out the last minuscule part, there were two others in my class who were only HALF WAY DONE with their papers. That's pathetic! I can only imagine how poor quality to the papers were. My professor had every right to be angry. I don't think he should've let that anger seep into my paper, as well as the other good writers in my class, but alas.
I need to sign up for classes soon. I remain undecided on what classes to take. I know I need a lot of math courses, though I may be able to test out of a hefty amount of them. I also don't know how many summer courses to take. Usually, I would take the first semester of summer off so I could hang with friends. But this year has been quite different; everyone has jobs, and are much more busy, especially now that their SAT grades need to be taken into account. Then who knows who will be leaving for vacation, or just busy in general. Finally, Jean's school, and her workload, is really intense. She will be done with school very soon, and the diligence she puts into her work is kind of inspiring me to work harder. I will be checking the list of classes to register for soon, and base my decision on how many classes are full or not, and whether I need the classes with space still in them. We'll see, I suppose.
Jayne will be publishing my short story soon. Y'know, I mentioned it before, I think. Your Ex-Lover Is Dead is my transcription of the same song by Stars. I think I did the song justice; the ending of my short story is a bit fickle, but I rounded it out. Whenever the story actually gets published on Jayne's site, I'll let you know, reader. Until something interesting happens though, reader, know that I'm busy writing and daydreaming my days away. Ahoy, mini-summer vacation! I welcome you with open arms!
::
2008 6 May :: 9.56pm
:: Mood: stressed
:: Music: Picture of Success - Rilo Kiley
Worries On My Chest
Haste!
-I really, truly miss Jean. I haven't seen her in well over a week, and I miss her deeply.
-I am stressed to the bone from finals.
-I am worried I may not be able to work with the FWISD next year. The decision is still up in the air... but I don't like that decision being made at all.
-I am worried for my grade in biology. I did poorly in bio lab, and I know that will reflect upon my grade. As long as I pass, I'm more than content... oh, please, as long as I pass.
-I feel people aren't judging me like they should - unjustly - improperly. They are only viewing me at the most inopportune times, and it makes me appear a ne'er do-well.
-Tomorrow is the last day of finals for me.
-My English teacher took out his anger on his paper. He is a good man, but knows nothing about good writing.
-I need sleep.
-I need comfort.
-I don't need food.
-I really, REALLY miss Jean. You have no idea.
::
2008 3 May :: 1.14pm
:: Mood: chipper
:: Music: Cath - Death Cab for Cutie
Baby, I Love You
If you want my lovin',
If you really do,
Well don't be afraid, no baby.
Just ask me; you know
I'm going to give it to you.
Oh, I do declare! I do!
I want to see you with me.
Well stretch out your arms little boy,
You're going to get it,
Cause I love you.
Baby, baby, baby! I love you!
There ain't no doubt about it,
Baby, I love you!
Oh baby, I love you, I love you, I love you...
I love you, baby, I do.
If you feel you want to kiss me,
Go right ahead, cause I don't mind.
And all you've got to do
Is snap your fingers and
I'll come runnin' - I ain't blind.
Oh, little boy, what do you want?
Y'know you got it.
I'll deny myself before I see you without it.
Cause I love you.
Baby, baby, baby! I love you!
There ain't no doubt about it,
Baby, I love you!
Oh baby, I love you, I love you, I love you...
I love you, baby, I do.
One day you might want to run away,
And leave me standing here, crying.
But if it's all the same to you, baby,
I'm going to stop you from saying goodbye.
Cause I love you.
Baby! I love you! Baby, I love you.
And I want you! Baby, I want you.
And I need you! Baby, I need you.
::
2008 27 April :: 3.54am
:: Mood: happy
:: Music: Moya - Godspeed You! Black Emperor
Very: An Adverb
The week became better.
Note to self: ask Jean how to make the journal entries shorter...
Thursday... let's see.
Yes, reader, I remember my Thursday.
Thursday, I intended to wake up early for school. Thursdays, for this semester, are my late days. I only have one class, and it starts at 11:00 in the day (I would say afternoon, but that's not afternoon), so normally I don't necessarily have to wake up early. But due to this deficiency of lab hours for French class, it would only be common sense to wake up and knock out as many hours as I could. I wanted to wake up at 7:30. I missed my goal by two hours. I went into the lab as soon as I arrived, and most of the time was spent talking to Jean online. I didn't want to go into class, but we were going to be receiving our projects (remember those terrible biology projects, reader?), so it would only be wise for me to go. I was very stressed about getting a decent grade. As aforementioned, my grade was hanging unsteadily between bad and good, and this project was a very do-or-die sort of grade. I RECEIVED A 98%!!!! Unbelievable! Especially since I was ready to get a C or F. This was a huge relief; the professor takes a few projects he receives every year to present to the class, and mine was one of those accepted for presentation. It's all a bit shocking really.
Friday... let's see.
Yes, reader, I remember my Friday.
Because I skipped on Wednesday (bad move on my part) and since I didn't get on campus until too late Thursday (not my fault), I had not been able to get my essay (for English) copy-edited by the professor. I know I'm a great writer, but I know I make plenty of mistakes. I'm not obsessive about all the little grammar rules, so disobeying them comes quite easy for me. I had to get it checked, so I went to his office promptly. The paper was generally error free, but since (I think) he expects very high quality from me, I decided I'd gussy it up and make my corrections. I went to the French lab (to get some minutes while correcting) and simultaneously convinced Miki and Miara to wait up for me, because they apparently like my company. I finished editing, and conversed with them for a short while until Government class, which was quite boring. French was next, but I see no point in the classes anymore, so I skipped and went to the French lab (which will ironically aid in my passing of the class I was skipping).
After an hour or so in the lab, it was English time. Typical class, really. We turned in our papers without much talk, and before the professor started lecturing, he noticed my newest novel, Adverbs (which I will talk more about later). He didn't like it because he thought it was about English, and when I tried to explain, he didn't seem interested or caring. Pff, oh well. Straightaway to the lab again (third time... sigh). I talked with Jean for awhile; she didn't have classes at the Arts Institute, and was just there to get next weeks homework done (I'm quite proud of her commitment to working). But when she wanted to leave, I followed; we talked on the phone for thirty minutes before she had to go. I literally spent the rest of the day taking pictures for this new website I'm obsessive over, Stylemob (which I'll talk more about later). I raided my closet and mix and matched every single outfit I wear, which amounts to 19 or so. Not so bad! It made me realize how much style I have - not that I'm conceited - I just feel I have a unique and cool fashion sense. Anyway, after literally hours of taking pictures with a tripod, I called Jean back and we talked all the livelong night. I forgot to play WoW with Travis, but whatever; talking with Jean is way more fun and interesting. [I think Travis may be getting a girlfriend soon - this is just a hunch.]
Saturday... oh, Saturday.
I definitely remember Saturday, reader!
I woke up at noon and ambled about the house. Jean and I were scheduled to hang out for the day, but due to parental issues on her side, it was still only a possibility, so I was awaiting a call from her for confirmation. Between the hours of 12:00 and 1:00 I wasted what felt like five hours before making myself productive (bathing, outfit-picking, planning, cleaning room, etc.). Jean finally called - she felt ehhh, like a cold - but we decided we'd be layabouts at my house, which she was content with. I picked her up, drove back here, and we watched Devil Wears Prada. I'm glad she liked it, as well as Fall Of Troy and Godspeed You! Black Emperor, which I have gotten her into over this week. Her outfit was amazing - her fashion sense is unparalleled. And I honestly don't know what all she wears, but she always smells amazing: perfume, body spray, whatever, I love it, and her smell is all over my sheet, pillow, and shirt. It's nice and relaxing, cause it reminds me of her, and makes me smile. I wish we could have spent more time together, but the day was perfect. I can't wait for the next time - hopefully Tuesday, because I've been craving some good coffee, and Buon Giorno's is having an open mic night which Jean likes. Fingers crossed, promise.
Sunday... yes, Sunday.
Well, it only started three hours ago!
Reader, don't be silly. Let's not get into a day that barely began.
I made promises throughout this entry, and I follow through here. Adverbs. Adverbs is a novel by Daniel Handler, AKA Lemony Snicket for those who aren't up-to-snuff on their authors. I heard about it when I went to see Colin Meloy in Dallas a couple weeks ago; in his stage banter, he mentioned Adverbs off-hand for some reason - I don't remember what the context was - he may have been talking about "On The Bus Mall," the song about male prostitutes - and I was instantly intrigued - by the book, not male prostitution - because I trust a high-intellectual like Colin for good reading material. The theory is this: Adverbs is a novel about love. It is written in a short story style. The narrator is switching for every chapter, and there are many different situations, but all focused around love. Some characters intersect between short stories, some are only temporary. Each chapter is symbolically named, signifying the type of love the characters in that particular episode are involved in. For instance, there is Immediately, where someone falls in love at first site; Obviously, where the main character is totally crushing over this one girl, and it's very easy to tell; I'm sure you get the idea. The writing style is very novel (for a novel (bad joke)), and I really like it. Handler's own style is sweet too, because he loves run-on sentences, and I envy his ability a lot. I love people who are willing to break the rules, and breaking the rules of writing novels (especially since I consider myself a novelist) is pretty awesome in my opinion. I'm only on chapter four, because I've been busy with the end-of-semester business, but I'm in no rush.
Then Stylemob. Stylemob is basically a website like Myspace, but directed toward fashion-inclined people. Not necessarily high fashion either: street fashion, experimental fashion, crappy fashion, whatever - it's all acceptable. Basically, you post photos of you or friends rockin' some nice outfits, and the other members vote on the styles. It's shockingly addicting, more than I'd like to admit. I have many photos posted up from Friday. You can go check it out right over here. If you want one, you should tell me, so I can invite you. I'll get some stylepoints for you accepting. I won't discuss stylepoints unless you want to join - they're not important unless you're on the website.
Besides all that nonsense, reader, I'm quite good. Quite tired, though I'm not sure why, nor why I am still awake. Today was very very very very very very very very good. I hope your day was equally enjoyable reader. Thanks, once again, for reading through my randomness.
::
2008 23 April :: 12.38pm
:: Music: One More Day Goes By - Some By Sea
The Words I Wished I Said In Scheming
Last night was sobering.
And things are different now.
I'll be frank, reader, my mind is a tumultuous mess. I'm the type who prefers to keep my cool at all times. But I'm never cool. I'm always out of order, and when things are getting good, something always goes wrong. And it's almost always my fault. And I hate it. I hate my ignorance and the way that I don't always watch what I say. It's gotten me into trouble more than once, and it has hurt me every time. It hurt last night too. But I fought for everything I hold dear last night.
The rocks turned to dirt as I slid down the side of the sheer-faced cliff, grabbing feebly onto the side with everything I had. But here I felt so safe - so secure - so well settled. But because I wasn't careful, I turned this picturesque cliff into an unstable place to be. It's my fault, but I don't want to leave. I want to stay with this cliff - I want to see the ocean water far below change it and mold it with fate's grand design. And when the cliff is threatened with violent quakes and severe storms, I need to be there to keep things together. Because I want to keep things together. And when I am threatened with falling again, I need to stable myself; I need to take care and be patient. I had poor planning before coming to live here, and I regret that I didn't see things more clearly. But I will work hard for what I want. I want to be nowhere else, so I'll prove that I'm worthy to stay. I'll justify my being here - I'll do whatever it takes.
It scares me to know that I've dangled once again. I thought those were the days of the past. I could have fallen last night, and I almost did fall. I'd hate to think what would have happened to me I didn't do my part to fix the situation. If I fell, my life would change forever. That's the simple fact.
I don't know what to think anymore, reader. Except that I care beyond rhyme and reason.
Reader, I know you don't understand, but wish me well.
::
2008 21 April :: 12.00pm
:: Mood: stressed
:: Music: Haunted Rooms - The Jim Yoshii Pile-Up
Ashes, Ashes, We All...
My confidence at the moment is dropping like a stone in the ocean. Down, down, down, unabated. It's difficult to explain how I can feel so stressed from my studies and my job, yet at the same time feel as if I'm hardly working at all.
I'm worried, honestly, about how this semester will turn out. Biology is going poorly, primarily on account of the teacher. I can't think with him - he makes it far too complicated. I haven't been to biology either, cause I've been stuck in this useless language lab, trying to waste hour upon hour in here so I can pass the damn French class. I see no point in "lab hours." The rule is you have to spend 30 hours in the lab studying language. That's a huge commitment! I'm fine with huge commitments, but this feels too grand for me. I don't feel that I should have to spend a day (over the course of several days, mind you) wasted in this horrid, ignorant room wasting time and doing nothing for hour on end. Even if I studied French the entire time, I could just as easily study at home without this extended, senseless effort.
Anyway, tangent; biology is really worrying me. I'm concerned I may not pass. I have been getting strictly average grades throughout, and I haven't learned how that project went a week or so ago. If I got a good grade on a project, that would definitely support my dull but passing grades much better, and I will almost surely pass for the semester. If I didn't do so well... well, I'd rather not think about that.
Biology lab is a completely different class with the same story. The biology lab counts as a huge portion of the overall biology grade. I have had "alright" grades, but they're strictly alright, and it'll take a lot of luck to pass. I need a good grade... oh, do I ever.
French is going alright, I suppose. I believe I'm passing, but not with any sort of astounding grade. I haven't begun to prepare for my oral exam or final, but I still have a fair amount of time. These lab hours are the main concern, as I only have about a week to log in about 13 hours. I'll hopefully knock out three of those today. I think I can finish entirely by the end of this week, but it'll take a huge commitment.
English is shockingly astounding though. My first paper recieved an A, and my second quickly earned me another. I only recieved a B on my first exam, though I didn't expect to do terribly well. I have to turn in another exam at the end of this week, but I feel that this essay is the best out of the three I have written this semester, so I believe I'll do well. I know I'll pass English, which is a relief that allows me to pay mind to my other classes which require more concern.
It's just a big, scary mess right now. I know I don't study much, which is a problem, granted. But that's not what has been causing my grades to drop. I can't pinpoint why exactly this has happened... it really doesn't make sense, especially in biology. I have studied like crazy and put a great deal of effort into that class, yet my grades do not reflect it. I feel I'm doing well, but something apparently is going wrong. Ugh, the STRESS! I am very ready for this semester to end... so very ready. I can't take much more. I need to breathe easy, just for a moment, to regain myself and my senses.
In other news, I went to a party on Saturday. I haven't been able to see my friends for quite some time, mostly because of their increasingly busy schedules. They all have jobs now, meaning they have less free time. I'm all for their working and earning money, but I do certainly miss them. The party was for Christina's birthday. She had a bouncehouse, and later we played Wii. It was lax, but fun. I also got to see Audrey, who I haven't seen in almost a year. I like her personality because I feel like I can relate well. She's what I'd like to be: athletic, quirky, but still unique and interesting. I'm envious, quite envious.
I'm just so stressed at the moment. It's hard to think anymore. I am very ready for the semester to end, even though I plan on taking at least one, if not two, summer courses. I know I'm taking this whole college thing at a slow pace, and due to recent circumstances, I feel like I should speed up. I am just very thankful that I have things to help me retain my sanity and to focus on: my music, my writing, and my relationship. But sometimes even these seem to fall short.
Well, okay, maybe not my music. I always enjoy my music - it can never let me down. But sometimes I feel like I'm listening to too much music. Some days I feel so saturated with sound, to the point where everything sounds bad and makes me moody (in a kind of annoyed way). My writing is excellent for escaping reality for awhile, so I don't have to think about life. But frankly, writing takes time, and due to the ever-busy schedule I feel like I have, finding time to sit down and concentrate on writing seems to be growing few and far between. My relationship with Jean is excellent right now; I can not possibly be happier with her, and things are going more than perfect. But I see the same couples here at school every day - arm in arm - smiling - walking together to wherever; a grace that Jean and I cannot afford due to the distance between us. What I'm trying to say is that I really miss her, because I'm never unhappy when we're together. I feel like that so rarely. I care for her a lot, and it's tough to care about someone so deeply and sit at home, bored, when I know I could be doing someone with that beautiful girl who's only twenty miles away. We won't be meeting together until next Saturday, which needless to say, is TOUGH. But for her, I'd wait longer.
My romantic attitude, mind you, doesn't make the experience any more pleasant, ahahaha. But I just miss her. And I know that this is the hard part of our relationship. If I can get through missing her, and waiting to see her, then we'll be sailing smoothly. Thankfully, we talk together on the phone (for literally hours) every night, and hearing her voice makes things a little more comforting. Oh great, I'm blabbing about relationship business again. Don't I have a life?
Reader, reader, how strange you are. How can you stomach my inane babble? Maybe you don't read at all. Who knows? I know, reader, that you should surely try to have a good day/week/month. Until next time.