:: 2005 16 March :: 3.17 pm

Desire. Need. Motivation. Addiction. Control.

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:: 2005 8 February :: 12.39 pm

Long time since I've updated. Didn't go to school today. Just didn't want to get out of bed. I've felt so depressed lately. All I want to do is sleep and dream. At least I can be free in my dreams.

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:: 2005 31 January :: 12.34 pm

A consumer is me.
Kind've funny how we evolve to become a better suited race, yet we're basically evolving to be weak. Since we don't need to hunt for food, we've become lazy, and lost some of our strengths.
Funny the things you ponder when you're stuck in a snow bank. We're such a weak species. So many limitations. We can jump like....2 feet vertically unless we work at it. The average person can only lift like 50% or less of their body weight. We're overcome by illnesses, and ailments, many of them only being in our heads. Most of us even lack willpower now, and surcome to smoking and doing drugs. I smoked, I felt the side effects, and I quit. Simple. Other people claim to need patches and gum. Weak. That's all it is. I'm surpised we're at the top of the food chain.
If lions or some other predator animal simple took a few generation leap forward and acquired the intelligence to even just have problem solving skills and a comprehensive verbal/gestural language, we'd be screwed, because we don't have the natural adaptations like they do. We're all soft and squishy now, and can die if we simply get railed in the head with a piece of wood. Foxes will chew off their leg to live and survive, we'd lose too much blood and die. We aren't adapting at all, we're spreading, like a disease. Pretty soon there's going to be a cure.

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:: 2005 2 January :: 11.56 pm
:: Music: Muse - Time is Running Out

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:: 2005 2 January :: 11.18 pm

Hah, I found an old moleskin journal I lost. It's so outdated, three months...I was a crazy person three months ago...leading back into my manic depression. I'm a much better person now, drinking only on special occasion (whole bottle of Asti to myself on New Years because my girlfriend didn't like it) and I quit smoking...so I needed a new resolution. That is correct a whole month since I stopped smoking.
Sometimes the past still bothers me. Alot. I wish I hadn't met 50% of the people I had met, and that the other 50% still hung out and had fun. Oh well...times are changing, we're growing older.

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:: 2004 28 December :: 3.19 pm

Qoutes for the Fight Club Book
On a large enough time line, the survival rate for everyone will drop to zero. ~Chapter 2


This was freedom. Losing all hope was freedom. ~Chapter 2


This is your life, and it's ending one minute at a time. ~Chapter 3


If I could wake up in a different place, at a different time, could I wake up as a different person? ~Chapter 3


One minute was enough, Tyler said, a person had to work hard for it, but a minute of perfection was worth the effort. A moment was the most you could ever expect from perfection. ~Chapter 3


And I wasn't the only slave to my nesting instinct. The people I know who used to sit in the bathroom with pornography, now they sit in the bathroom with their IKEA furniture catalogue. ~Chapter 5


You buy furniture. You tell yourself, this is the last sofa I will ever need in my life. Buy the sofa, then for a couple years you're satisfied that no matter what goes wrong, at least you've got your sofa issue handled. Then the right set of dishes. Then the perfect bed. The drapes. The rug. Then you're trapped in your lovely nest, and the things you used to own, now they own you. ~Chapter 5


"If you don't know what you want," the doorman said, "you end up with a lot you don't." ~Chapter 5


May I never be complete. May I never be content. May I never be perfect. Deliver me, Tyler, from being perfect and complete. ~Chapter 5


I just don't want to die without a few scars. ~Chapter 6


After a night in fight club, everything in the real world gets the volume turned down. Nothing can piss you off. Your word is law, and if other people break that law or question you, even that doesn't piss you off. ~Chapter 6


It used to be enough that when I came home angry and knowing that my life wasn't toeing my five-year plan, I could clean my condominium or detail my car. Someday I'd be dead without a scar and there would be a really nice condo and car. ~Chapter 6


Maybe self-improvement isn't the answer.... Maybe self-destruction is the answer. ~Chapter 6


The gyms you go to are crowded with guys trying to look like men, as if being a man means looking the way a sculptor or an art director says. ~Chapter 6


You aren't alive anywhere like you're alive at fight club.... Fight club isn't about winning or losing fights. Fight club isn't about words. You see a guy come to fight club for the first time, and his ass is a loaf of white bread. You see this same guy here six months later, and he looks carved out of wood. This guy trusts himself to handle anything. There's grunting and noise at fight club like at the gym, but fight club isn't about looking good. There's hysterical shouting in tongues like at church, and when you wake up Sunday afternoon you feel saved. ~Chapter 6


At the time, my life just seemed too complete, and maybe we have to break everything to make something better out of ourselves. ~Chapter 6


Nothing was solved when the fight was over, but nothing mattered. ~Chapter 6


"It's only after you've lost everything," Tyler says, "that you're free to do anything." ~Chapter 8


By this time next week, each guy on the Assault Committee has to pick a fight where he won't come out a hero. And not in fight club. This is harder than it sounds. A man on the street will do anything not to fight. The idea is to take some Joe on the street who's never been in a fight and recruit him. Let him experience winning for the first time in his life. Get him to explode. Give him permission to beat the crap out of you. You can take it. If you win, you screwed up. "What we have to do, people," Tyler told the committee, "is remind these guys what kind of power they still have." ~Chapter 16


For thousands of years, human beings had screwed up and trashed and crapped on this planet, and now history expected me to clean up after everyone. I have to wash out and flatten my soup cans. And account for every drop of used motor oil. And I have to foot the bill for nuclear waste and buried gasoline tanks and landfilled toxic sludge dumped a generation before I was born. ~Chapter 16


I wanted to burn the Louvre. I'd do the Elgin Marbles with a sledgehammer and wipe my ass with the Mona Lisa. This is my world, now. This is my world, my world, and those ancient people are dead. ~Chapter 16


We wanted to blast the world free of history.... picture yourself planting radishes and seed potatoes on the fifteenth green of a forgotten golf course. You'll hunt elk through the damp canyon forests around the ruins of Rockefeller Center, and dig clams next to the skeleton of the Space Needle leaning at a forty-five degree angle. We'll paint the skyscrapers with huge totem faces and goblin tikis, and every evening what's left of mankind will retreat to empty zoos and lock itself in cages as protection against the bears and big cats and wolves that pace and watch us from outside the cage bars at night. ~Chapter 16


"Recycling and speed limits are bullshit," Tyler said. "They're like someone who quits smoking on his deathbed." ~Chapter 16


"Imagine," Tyler said, "stalking elk past department store windows and stinking racks of beautiful rotting dresses and tuxedos on hangers; you'll wear leather clothes that will last you the rest of your life, and you'll climb the wrist-thick kudzu vines that wrap the Sears Tower. Jack and the beanstalk, you'll climb up through the dripping forest canopy and the air will be so clean you'll see tiny figures pounding corn and laying strips of venison to dry in the empty car pool lane of an abandoned superhighway stretching eight-lanes-wide and August-hot for a thousand miles." ~Chapter 16


You are not a beautiful and unique snowflake. You are the same decaying organic matter as everyone else, and we are all part of the same compost pile. ~Chapter 17


...you're not how much money you've got in the bank. You're not your job. You're not your family, and you're not who you tell yourself.... You're not your name.... You're not your problems.... You're not your age.... You are not your hopes. ~Chapter 18


I see the strongest and the smartest men who have ever lived... and these men are pumping gas and waiting tables. ~Chapter 19


All a gun does is focus an explosion in one direction. You have a class of young strong men and women, and they want to give their lives to something. Advertising has these people chasing cars and clothes they don't need. Generations have been working in jobs they hate, just so they can buy what they don't really need. ~Chapter 19


We don't have a great war in our generation, or a great depression, but we do, we have a great war of the spirit. We have a great revolution against the culture. The great depression is our lives. We have a spiritual depression. ~Chapter 19


We have to show these men and women freedom by enslaving them, and show them courage by frightening them. ~Chapter 19


I am the all-singing, all-dancing crap of this world.... I am the toxic waste by-product of God's creation. ~Chapter 23


...when deep-space exploitation ramps up, it will probably be the megatonic corporations that discover all the new planets and map them. The IBM Stellar Sphere. The Philip Morris Galaxy. Planet Denny's. Every planet will take on the corporate identity of whoever rapes it first. Budweiser World. ~Chapter 23


Only in death are we no longer part of Project Mayhem. ~Chapter 28


I've met God across his long walnut desk with his diplomas hanging on the wall behind him, and God asks me, "Why?" Why did I cause so much pain? Didn't I realize that each of us is a sacred, unique snowflake of special unique specialness? Can't I see how we're all manifestations of love? I look at God behind his desk, taking notes on a pad, but God's got this all wrong. We are not special. We are not crap or trash, either. We just are. We just are, and what happens just happens. And God says, "No, that's not right." Yeah. Well. Whatever. You can't teach God anything. ~Chapter 30

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:: 2004 21 December :: 7.51 pm
:: Music: Twiztid - I'm Alright

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:: 2004 20 December :: 12.11 pm
:: Music: System of a Down - Highway Song

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