rayray
|
::
2009 2 October :: 9.42am
Most days it feels like its the same ole' crappy song on repeat.
Doesn't matter how hard I try to repatch, cope, or ignore the issues, they don't go away, for good.
She doesn't see the hurt she causes.
I am starting to think she is incapable of feeling anything.
Which would be making excuses for her, and that is the last thing I want to do.
But with her, I never get to do what I want.
Lets face it, she makes me feel quilty, and I cave.
I can tell her how it is, be a royal bitch to her, and she still makes me feel guilty.
Why?
Why does she always turn it back on me?
Will she ever stop?
I'd cut ties with her, but would that really do any good, for anyone?
I don't care about hurting her, or myself.
It's the rest of my family I am worried about.
I can't stop asking myself what we did to deserve this.
Growing up the way we did.
Not everything was bad, but not everything was good thats for sure.
Each one of us had to witness different things, and as time went on, they got worse.
She drank more.
And more.
The fighting was worse between her and Jim, than it ever was with my dad.
At least, thats the way it seems to me.
Even though I was 11 when my parents split, a lot of the memories of them being together is a blur.
Not because they are bad, or I am trying to repress them, it's because I do not remember.
I vaguely remember when my parents were happy.
When I was at the age where I would be able to remember, it was probably just a show anyway.
There are bad moments that I do remember, but I feel like they are a dream.
I wish they were a dream.
I wish the drinking would stop, the drugs, the promiscuity.
All of it. I wish she would realize what she has before she loses it, again.
I know that I shouldn't care as much as I do, because I moved out.
I left and moved on with my life.
I want her to be a normal mom.
I want her to actually care.
Not ignore her kids because she just doesn't want to talk to anyone.
It's pathetic.
When the fuck will she realize...
3 comments |
leave a comment
|
phil-himself
|
::
2009 24 September :: 11.44am
Hey you're not allowed to rent here anymore!
3 comments |
leave a comment
|
phil-himself
|
::
2009 22 September :: 1.31pm
PhilHimself is my xbox live for all the XXXBAWKSSS folks
2 comments |
leave a comment
|
spud
|
::
2009 21 September :: 3.27pm
mad libs are silly. some of these clues were, well, wrong.
I love you Created by vsmilee and taken 334 times on Bzoink | Maynard and I were prancing in Wisconsin when it happened. He talked to me and I fucked him. He took my face and walked closer to me. He looked so cantankerous. I lived at him again and waited for a hammer from him. "I like to eat tacos?," I asked. He shook his foot and looked me in the ears. "I love train, Spud. I've wanted to pump that for a long time, now." Then he leaned over and gave me an ice cube on the cheek. That was the last time he ever said I love you. | You've been totally Bzoink*d! Take This Bzoinkoid | Search Bzoinkoids | Create a Bzoinkoid |
leave a comment
|
phil-himself
|
::
2009 18 September :: 12.25am
This thread sucks, prove me wrong.
5 comments |
leave a comment
|
phil-himself
|
::
2009 14 September :: 6.24pm
From spike's Top 10 White Trash Heroes of Cinema
1. That's right. Luke Skywalker. Before the sci-fi haters come out of the woodwork to crucify me, take a deep breath and listen to my reasoning. Here are some of the things we know about Luke:
* He lives on a patch of dirt in the middle of nowhere
* He has lots of beat-up vehicles in his front yard
* He's a greasemonkey
* He likes to make out with his sister
* He lives with his aunt and uncle ‘cause his dad killed his mom
Luke Skywalker is the classic definition of white trash. And, by definition, he is the prototypical redneck. Keep in mind he lived in a galaxy far, far away eons before we earthlings even climbed out of our evolutionary puddle.
If anything we should love Luke more, not less. He's the classic example of pulling oneself up by one's bootstraps. Luke is the poster child for Republicanism – and, at the same time, embodies liberal ideals. He could give Obama a real run for his money and kick McCain's ass at the same time – with no hands, to boot.
In the end, Luke is proof that it's not the vehicle you drive or the parents you have, but what's inside that makes a true hero. Although it doesn't hurt if you have a lightsaber and a robotic hand.
leave a comment
|
rayray
|
::
2009 13 September :: 10.42am
I got to see my nephew the last few days and probably will see him again today..
I am very happy about that, but i dont like the circumstances behind it.
He is getting so big and learning so much, and I miss a lot of it.
And he looks so much like my sister, but he changes more and more each time I see him.
It has been a long stressful, packed week.
I'm not even sure what kind of crap there is going to have to be done tomorrow when I go back to work.
I know there was a lot to be done when I left on wednesday.
Going through pictures, seeing my whole family in pain, the visitations and the funeral were hard.
And even though all of those events took place, and I mourned, I don't know if I mourned completely.
I still don't feel like it really happened, like I am completely numb on the inside.
I know that she is gone and won't be coming back.
But it feels like she is on vacation and I just have to wait a couple weeks before I see her again.
And apparently my mom likes to share her germs, because Friday I started feeling really sick, and started to lose my voice.
So yesterday, I spent all day in bed, except for 2 hours.. I went to bed at midnight saturday morning, slept til 2:30, was awake for maybe an hour, then slept til 9, was awake until 12:00, and then slept until 10 this morning.
But I definitely needed it, and I am feeling better today.
leave a comment
|
phil-himself
|
::
2009 11 September :: 9.32pm
Imperfection is an opportunity to be better.
2 comments |
leave a comment
|
rayray
|
::
2009 9 September :: 9.12pm
So this week has been pretty shitty..
My grandma passed away unexpectedly yesterday morning.
They believe she had an ulcer that ruptured, and caused internal bleeding. She was coughing up blood, and they were able to revive her twice and get her stabilized, but her heart stopped. They tried to revive her again, but they weren't able to get her heart beating again.
Tomorrow is the visitations, and then friday is the funeral..
All 4 of my grandparents deaths have been either the day before or the day after a holiday.
leave a comment
|
phil-himself
|
::
2009 8 September :: 5.38pm
You now hear the voice of Coach John McGuirk
leave a comment
|
phil-himself
|
::
2009 8 September :: 12.45pm
Jonathon the zombie, he likes turtles.
leave a comment
|
spud
|
::
2009 2 September :: 1.07pm
A joyful meandering that wound up being about driveway hockey.
i had just gotten up today, and gone to the bathroom for a solid B.M. the bathroom window was open, and outside it sit the garbage/yard waste/recycle bins. all of a sudden i hear someone walk up alongside our garage, and open up one of the bins. i had finished at this point, and was blowing my nose for good measure. so, the person getting into our recycling heard me and said, "oh, hey, just dropping off some cereal boxes and milk cartons." i recognized Valerie's (the neighbor) voice, and said, "yeah, have at it. the trash is kinda full, though." it was just a very odd way to start my day off.
in other news: happy september! the weather's gorgeous, and the air smells crisp and clean.
:: sorry, neighbor came over to smoke a ciggy ::
what was i saying? eh, whatever.
i should play disc golf again. i made it out there quite a bit the first half of summer, but i haven't played in several weeks. I guess it has been overtaken by driveway hockey, which is honestly a better workout, but you really pay for the next day.
it's actually a lot of fun. we have a net that bruce built, and they spray painted a crease to go in front of it. the garage door is about 2 feet behind the net, so there is some playable space back there, just like the real deal. The rest of the rink is surrounded by short wooden boards to hold the puck in. the rules have been adapted - obviously - to suit our needs, and there's a continual evolution there, but the gameplay itself remains pretty much the same. we have three offensive players (a center and two wingers), a defenseman, and a goalie. the three offense and the defender will rotate positions after every goal. goalies rotate every 30 minutes (the mishmash of homemade pads takes a while to put on). it's like a full-time 3-on-1 rush, but since we suck so bad, sometimes it's still tough to get a puck to drop. even still, if you pepper 'im long enough, something's bound to go through eventually.
here are the basic rules:
> no high sticking (we're out there in our tennis shoes for pete's sake. we don't want to cart anyone to the hospital)
> no cross-checking (same reason)
> no slapshots (or we'll have to listen to the goalies bitch. loudly.)
> the center has to pass before anyone can shoot
> if the puck goes over the boards and out of play, it counts as "clearing the defensive zone," and the offensive players must go back to their start positions (marked with chalk)
> if any of the offensive players are not in their start positions when the center starts the puck, the play is "offside" and must be reset.
> if a defenseman clears the puck over (or through) the fence and into the neighbor's yard, it's a two-minute minor penalty. since the power play has yet to fail, it's pretty much a death knell. although, bruce once killed off 1:56 of the penalty before they scored on him. that's the current record to beat.
they typically like having new people try it out. kevin and masa joined in this past sunday, and i think they had a good time. so hit me up if you're interested. there's no set day that we do it, so it's kinda random. we usually play from mid-afternoon 'til dark.
3 comments |
leave a comment
|
rayray
|
::
2009 31 August :: 5.36pm
I had a pretty eventful week..
It was a good ending to a very filled week.
Only worked 3 days last week and only one day was a full 8 hour day.
I got to spend time with some friends I haven't seen in a very long time.
Spent some quality time at home, watching movies.
Worked on some homework.
Maybe I will stop procrastinating so much, and not wait until the last minute to finish 6 weeks worth of work this time..
But probably won't..
I won't ever change..
Well at least I don't ever stop procrastinating..
leave a comment
|
phil-himself
|
::
2009 31 August :: 12.56am
skewl tommorow , FML
1 comment |
leave a comment
|
phil-himself
|
::
2009 27 August :: 12.21pm
Mark Twain Had a Grisly Sense of Humor
In 1863, San Francisco newspapers reported endlessly on the cooked books and financial trickery of mining outfits, and the San Francisco news outlet Territorial Enterprise advised investors to instead put their capital consisting of plague-ridden blankets and Buffalo nickels into San Francisco utility companies. Not out of financial responsibility, or anything; the utility companies were paying several papers bribes for reporting the tips. Still, most people didn't realize what was going on, they just read story after story to the tune of "Oh my God, investing in utilities is so good, you guys."
Read more..
leave a comment
|
|