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2007 2 June :: 6.23pm
:: Mood: distressed
:: Music: Depeche Mode
GOD. No one tells me ANYTHING.
Okay. So. I'm pissed, because apparently Andrew, our guitarist, whom I kind of have a crush on, and who is close to me and dear to my heart, got a skull fracture (And maybe broke a bone in his ear) doing a stupid stunt just like I always tell those boys not to do. But that's not why I'm pissed, really. I'm pissed because no one told me UNTIL JUST NOW. I don't even know when it happened, exactly, but I know it was before wenesday, because we didn't have practice that day. And the worst part about things on my end? Sean's MOM told my DAD. No one told me. I called Sean to get Andrew's home number and he appologized for keeping me in the dark. I am so mad. And so sad. I can't believe this is happening. What if he's never the same? What if he can't play anymore? What if? What if! All the What if options are BAD. I'm so worried right now. I tried to call Andrew's house...but no answer. I just don't know what to do.
1 disappointment |
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2007 26 May :: 4.26pm
:: Mood: blah
*Insert random keyboard gibberish here*
P:Ikehfj2n/eljkhn;3r2fmcn;2ou3rjkherwnfipo4dnw5! Gwertighy! ASDFJKL!
Yes you heard me.
BUT!
We played at Creekfest today, and I don't think we sucked too badly!
But now I feel all BLEHG Becase I woke up at five this morning. Oh well.
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2007 5 May :: 9.39pm
:: Mood: apathetic
Holy shit and stuff
Wow, I'm actually posting here. It's a friggen miracle. I have no idea what the whole save the turtles thing is about, to be frank. but here I am, once again, a much different persan than I used to be.
My life was ripped apart when I realized Jon (Then my boyfriend of over a year and a half) was a total dipshit who had no notice of my emotions and never could. That hurt. So I broke up with him. We tried to stay friends but it didn't work. Mandi and I have drifted, she goes to college now, I'm not in school anymore. That's right. I dropped out. Because of depression and hallucinations. I went to a hospital day treatment program for a while but I hated it, so I stopped going. I kept having panic attacks and chest contractions and shit, and even though I take two or three adavan regularly the nurse would only give me one for my excruciating chest contractions. If you've never had one, it feels like a heartattack.
I hope someone sees this and reads it. I wonder if my dearest Nee will. Coment if you read this please. It would be nice to see someone happy to see me.
I've fallen into a state of depression. I don't want to do anything. I don't want to smile. I feel like fuckin' shit ALL THE TIME. I hate it. I don't think my meds are working right because I have breif moments of Mania as well, which always sucks.
I've been having urges to cut myself, but have resorted to other measures to cause myself pain; methods that don't leave permanent marks or become addictive. I only do this when I'm seriously freaking out, mind you, but it's deeply disturbing for me, because I always thought I'd never cut or hurt myself. Those were happier times, to say the least. I thought I was depressed then...but I really had no idea what depression was like. Tell me what an awful person I am or whatever, tell me I shouldn't, tell me your stories of how awful SI is. I don't really want to hear it though. I already know. I have numerous friends who cut or used to. I know it's bad. I know it's addictive. I know all that shit. I know about scars, and wanting to hide them. Mandi walks around in short sleeve or sleveless tops all the time, showing her scars to the world. It makes me proud of her. Proud of her courage, and proud that she stopped.
I miss seeing my friends. I miss having a life.
I've joined a band, finally, as the lead singer and sometimes bassist/floutist. Everyone in the band is great, and hott too, which is torturous, because everyone knows you can't date someone in your BAND. It's just not allowed. It fucks things up.
God, I need a boyfriend. Or someone. Anyone to love me and hold me and kiss me and tell me things will be alright.
~Caro
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2005 18 November :: 7.18pm
OMGOMGOMGOMG!!!
OMFG! I WENT TO SEE JETHRO TULL! OMGOMGOMG!!! *dies*
It was amazing! Ian Anderson is a freaking GOD I bow down to him and worship him! OMFG!!! It was soooo cool. They had a violinist with them (she was 22) and at the begining of the second half of the show, Ian said a couple of things about the next song. "This might make your ears hurt." he said with a laugh. So they started in with a synth drone and she started playing. Suddenly it broke into Kashmir (Led Zeplin)! God, she was amazing too. The whole experience was just mindblowing. It really was. It was literally a dream come true. I've dreamed of seeing Tull for years, and I FINALLY SAW THEM! *Squeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!*
And it was weird. We were in Denver until at least 12 am. I was like, "Oh, hell. I'm going to be a zombie at school tomorrow. This morning I woke up feeling more awake than I have in ages. O.o
Today was the most un-school-like schoolday ever. For Second period (I have first off) Mandi was having a breakdown, so we went and talked to Ms. Cole (she's Mandi's caseworker really nice lady person) and didn't come back till a bit more than halfway through class. Then I went to third (science) and then I had to miss fourth and go to Nadyne's room and do math homework and start on a math test, then it was lunch, and Jon and I asked our fifth period teacher if we could miss today and hang out with Ms. Cole and Halaby. So he said yes and we stayed up there with all those guys and played Taboo for an hour. Then I went to math and stayed for the cheking over our homework part, then I went back to Nadyne's room to finish the test. That carried over into learning lab (basically study hall) and then I finished and Jon, Mandi and I hung out there until the bell rang. >.>;
NO SCHOOL FOR A WHOLE WEEK! HELL'S FRIGGIN YEA!
Erm...any way...
Baii!
~caro
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2005 11 November :: 7.22pm
Bwar. There is a real entry (*GASP*) below these quizes
Bwar. Kakashi rocks mah socks.
Yea. Anyways. I'm updating. It's the friggen end of the world.
When I dream, if I get touched, I feel it. I physically feel what's going on in my dreams. This can be a very unpleasant thing. Like two nights ago.
I was lying in bed in my room with my eyes closed trying to fall asleep when something grabbed my elbow and tugged on it, as if trying to pull me under the bed. I woke up with wide eyes and looked over to my arm. Nothing was there. So, I went back to sleep. Once again, something was yanking on my arm. Once again, I woke with wide eyes. This cycle continued for quite a while. I kept thinking, 'Maybe I should go into Mom and Dad's room. Maybe that will help...but they're really tired. I don't want to wake them up."
I regretted that decision.
I lay in bed, trying to go to sleep when I feel the hand on my elbow again, only this time it's followed by another hand placed on my shoulder. Whatever it was pulled itself up. I turned to look at it, eyes wide again. They were even wider when I took in the figure. It was gaunt and thin. Almost skeletal, but not quite. Just very thin with thin arms. It was shadowy and completely black. It didn't have eyes. Instead it had black pits of pure nothingness staring down at me. I wanted to scream. It bent down to kiss me.
I woke up, feeling like I was going to scream. I tried cahnging positions on the bed so that nothing could grab my arm, but I finaly ended up going in my parents' room. I couldn't sleep in mine.
One of the things that made this dream so scary was that I was in my room, sou I couldn't tell if I was awake or asleep. Do you ever get those?
So, I didn't go to school (actually haven't been to school except Monday and we had today off). Actually, I wento to school, got there, had a nervous breakdown, went home.
I was supposed to go to a concert with Jon (who's birthday is the 13th) and his family, so I went to his house after he got home from school. I don't know what happened, but I just started crying and I absolutely could not stop. I was positively wracked with sobs and I couldn't stop. It was horrible. And I felt really bad for putting Jon through seeing me like that. I know it's hard for him. I finally decided that I couldn't come with them and I just had to go home. I mannaged not to be all sobby around his dad and sister, though his mom (Andrea) was really nice to me and helped sort things out. Jon still went to the concert and they all had a great time, so that was cool. It also meant that I got to watch CSI ^_____^
I managed to sleep last night, but had trouble falling asleep. My bed kept shaking underneath me. Yeeeeaaa...So anyway. That's all I can write for now. See y'all XP
2 disappointments |
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2005 1 October :: 10.45am
:: Music: Into the FIre
Buah.
I'm tired, dude. I have to make plans with Mandi-Sama to go see a movie today. She, Jon and I are going to see corpse bride (WOOT). It looks like we may have problems getting Mandi in since she has no money, but I'll probly just pay for her ticket.
Jon and I are coming up on eight months very rapidly. It's really hard to believe we've been together for so long. O.o;
I've become semi-obsessed with Naruto, if you can't tell. I think it's awesome, though I really haven't read all that much of it. I also decided that my favorite anime anything is Totoro (Hells yes!). I haven't had time to update in a long time...I'm sorry. I'll try and be better about it, yah?
Luffles,
~Caro
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2005 1 October :: 10.00am
:: Music: FFX journey's end OC remix
More quizzes
You are Kakashi!
Which Naruto Character Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
Yaaay...
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2005 28 September :: 5.33pm
Kakashi: Cool, you're Kakashi. One of the most
popular characters in the entire series. You're
a pretty happy guy, who doesn't let things get
him down. And when people mess with those that
matter to you, they better back off, or they're
in deep trouble.
.:What character from Naruto are you?:. (20 results with pics)
brought to you by Quizilla
YESSSSS!! XD Kakashi is teh ROCKSORZ
Kakashi- Forgive me if I misspelled that, I'll fix
it later. -_-' Anyway, you're a good teacher,
and don't tolerate slackers of any kind, even
to the point where you threaten the best person
in the class to be sent back to shinobi school.
You're an incredible fighter, and like to read
books (usually while fighting). Oh, yes, your
favorite book is some freakish thing called
"Make Out Paradise" O_o
Which Naruto Character are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
Again!
"Hyperactive, ADD, lack of respect for
authority, demon sealed inside his
belly.", you are reading Naruto's
schoolcard!
Which Naruto character are you? (Images, not that obvious)
brought to you by Quizilla
Loved by many, and seemingly more angsty than you
let on, you are Kakashi!
Which Naruto character are you? (Images, not that obvious)
brought to you by Quizilla
Yaaay...Took the same quiz and got a different answer...0.o?
You are LuLu. Wo0t.
Which Final Fantasy X Character Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
Not much like me...But Lulu is awesome
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2005 11 September :: 6.08pm
My computer is a motherfucker. I am loathing and detesting my precious Oni dear. For some reason, Oni is not liking Gaia, which, since my baka mother thinks all IM programs give computers viruses, is my ONLY source of roleplaying. FAAAAAACKKK!!! *Sob* Yea.
Seven months. Jon and I have been together for seven months. Eight on the sixth of next month. O.o; Gawd. That's a long time, especially for my first real relationship.
It's ca-razy. @.@
I am overly happy, however. He makes me feel happy, and what more can you ask for? I love him. I really do.
You know that you love someone when you write super duper cheezy love poetry all the time.
I have a piano, and that makes me glad. I'm learning to play Hikari and a song from Totoro (YAY! TOTORO!), so that's cool.
Okay, sucky entry, but I gotta go.
Luffles,
~Caro
2 disappointments |
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2005 6 September :: 5.21pm
I'M BACK!
Holly Hell it's been a long time.
My computer had a Trojan when we got back from California, and we just got him up and running again.
Dude, it's been crazy.
Last week or so I got a letter from Tyler. We all remember Tyler, yes? My buddy from HELLcyon who got thrown into a psych ward and was never seen again? Like, two years ago? Yea. I haven't heard from him in a year, and I was thinking, "Wow, I really miss Tyler." NEXT DAY "Dear Caroline..." Holy shitballs, Batman! Weird, huh? Apperantly he's getting out very soon. (Yes, he's still there.)
I LOVE SCHOOL! I can't believe how much fun it is. I even like my math class! I lurve all my teachers and am having a blast. I actually (Perish the thought!) have fun at school. I'm in four out of six classes with the Boy, which is great, and he rides my bus. The downside is, I only have one class with Mandi-sama, but we have lunch together. Jon's friend Max goes to school with us now (he's such a kwewt Freshie!), so that's cool. I really like Max, so I have yet another friend at school. *YESSSSS* I've found myself accidentaly competeing with my friend IIvan (yes, two "I"s) for class clown in World History, and volounteering answers in Algebra! It's GREAT! ^_________________^ *hooray!*
On the down side of things, my love had a small psychotic break on Sunday evening. I have only ever, EVER seen Jon cry once before in the whole time I've know him. I was sitting, enjoying a movie at home when the phone rings. It's Andrea (Jon's mum, who is a pal of mine), and she tells me that something's up with the Boy, and that he won't talk to her. "Will you call him and see what's up?"
"Sure." says I. So, I dial his number thinking, "What the hell is up? This isn't very like him..." -Click-
"Hello..." says a very shakey voice on the onther end of the line.
"Hey, what's up?" I say concernedly. And he just starts sobbing. I am of course like, "Oooooohh shit." He tells me that he has no fucking clue what's going on and that he just suddenly got like this. This is an event that occurs very often in Caro's own life, but it's never happened to him before. I say, in the least severly panic-attack kind of voice I can mannage (Which is pretty good), "Okay, I'm going to try and get over there. After much pleading, Mum said I could go. Jim (Jon's dad) came and got me and brought me to their house.
Andrea hands me a pill and says, "Try and get him to take this." So, I calmly walk down the steps to the basemnt, which is his lair. As I get to the bottom of the stairs, I see him curled up on the couch, in the dark.
"Hey...what's up?" quoth I.
"I dunno." he whispered. A look of concern crossed over my face and I walked over to him. I sat next to him and he leaned on me, crying. After a while I says,"Do me a favor."
"Yea?"
"Take this." and I handed the pill to him. He took it and lay back down on me. He started to quiet down. "You tired?"
"Yea..." he said softly.
"Let's take you upstairs, then." So, we went up the stairs, to his room. As he passed by the family room on the catwalk type thing that leads to Jon and Daniell's (his sister) bedrooms, his parents said goodnight. He didn't speak a word. He was half asleep already when we sat on his bed. I lay down next to him and just let him hold me until his mom came up and said I should be on my way, because we didn't want Mum to be upset. I had to wake up early in the morning (FISHING, YAY!). So I got up, kissed his cheek and followed Andrea to the main floor.
"Do you think he'll be okay?" she questioned.
"I think with a little sleep, and a little time, he'll be fine." said I.
Yesterday, we went fishing up in the mountains. Didn't catch anything whatsoever, but it was still way funn. When we came back, I called Jon and asked if he wanted to see me. He had still sounded pretty down when I talked to him that morning. He, of course, said yes. He seemed much better, but not completely better. So, we chilled for a while, and then I came home. School tomorrow, said the parents.
So, I see him on the bus thismorning and he seemed fine. Still a little shaken, but fine. He was in very good spirits. Later I recaled, OMFG. It's our seven month aniversary! (w00t!) So today went by well for me, and him. I lurve mah boy.
In sadder news, I am getting braces. T_T I do NOT want to get them, but Mum is making me. Oh well. What can you do? Nine to twelve months, they say. Arrrgh...
We bought a piano! WOOOOOOHUUUUU!!! It's a spinnet, so it's very small, but it sounds great. They are dilivering it on the morrow! ^____________^
Another thing going well for me at school is the fact that I have Jon (the math genious) to help me with my algebra. Sp00t.
I have this class called Design Tech. You get to do all sorts of fun shit, like photoshop (squee!) and making 3D projects, too. Jon is continuing to learn Flash, which he began work on last year. He's pretty good.
Mandi finaly bought her own pair of bondage pants. She doesn't have to steal mine anymore. (woot)
Can't think of anything more.
Hey, if any of you guys are on Gaia, PM me: PoisonedPocky
~Caro
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2005 12 July :: 12.46pm
:: Mood: Homesick
:: Music: No Wish, by Akeboshi
Bleargh
Okay, so I've been here for about a month now. Haven't seen Mandi, Dad, Saide (my dog), Kate, or Jon for this whole time.
Jon's at his immersion camp thing where he can't have a cell phone. So I'm goin' along, doing fine and then a couple weeks ago, I wake up, and my phone says to me, "Hey mutha fuka, you's gots a message!" (Okay, it didn't really say that, but that's not the point.) It didn't tell me who called, because it had been turned off. I was like, "Must just be Mandi-sama again." So I listen to my message. "Hey, Caro, it's me..." And guess who it is. Jon. He could have his cell phone back for two days. And so I was, of course, thinking, "YES! I can talk to him!" So I'm sitting by the piano right after I listened to the message and the phone rings. Of course, it's mah boy. So I answer the phone just like I always do, even though I know who's calling due to the wonderful thing known as *air quotes* "Caller ID". "Hello?"
Yea. It was great talking to him, but he said, "I have to go now, but I'll call you tomorrow, okay?" after he hung up, I wished he wouldn't call the next day. Hearing his voice...it made me miss him so much more.
I go home on Saturday, five days from now. I get home on 18th, the day before my boy does. But Mandi is there, and I really need to see her too, so you know. Whazzeva. Well, Mum and I are headed to the beach. I have more to write but don't know when I'll be able to write it. Talk to yall's latah.
~Caro~
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2005 7 July :: 8.26pm
:: Mood: torn
So here I am, still in California. This is the first time I've been online since that last entry. @.@ It sucks, yes, I know.
My boy is at his Japanese Language Camp, and I didn't think I'd be able to talk to him until I got back. I was content with that, I'd gotten used to the idea. And then he calls me on Saturday. I of course am like, "wtf?" I was glad to hear from him. He says he's having a great time and has made friends with the people in his cabin. It was good to talk to him, but...It just made me miss him more. I'm going home a week from this Saturday. *YES* *but NO at the same time*
I miss home. A lot. A LOT. I haven't seen my dad, my dog, my best friend, or my boyfriend in a MONTH, as of today, I believe. I'm ready to go home, I assure you of that. But I'm really gonna miss Kelly and Danny and Joey and Gaby...and Aimee...Mom and I are worried that Aimee's not going to take it very well when we leave. But I'm pretty ready to go home. When I get back, I'm pretty sure my boy will be back...I want to see him the day after we get back. Or even the day we get back! And then I wanna see Mandi-sama. We're planning a sleep-over. ^_^ I wanna give my dad a big hug and kiss mah doggeh.
But I'm also really gonna miss Gary, the guy who lives in the rental house deal on Aim's property. He's been giving me piano lessons and he's the best teacher I could EVER ask for. He's teaching me the Pink Panther song! ^_^; He understands how I work and how I learn and he's really helping me. Because of him I've been figuring out chords instead of just one note to go along with my melodies.
But I also want to sleep in my own bed, in my own room, in my own house. I don't really know what I want to do. You know what I'm saying?
I've started drawing quite a bit. I drew several pictures of Sephiroth, which turned out pretty darned good for my first time really drawing him. I've been working really hard at my creative endeavors whilst staying here. I also don't have a piano at home, so that sucks.
Mom and I went to Stinson Beach today and yesterday. That's been fun. We've beach-combed and found some pretty cool shtuff.
Oh yea. I took a film-making class. It was sooooo hard. Every day was from 9 am to 5 pm, for a week, just making the film. We all thought it was going to be soooo bad, but we edited it and added music and MAN! It was great! I made a buddy named Angelo. He was frikken hillarious. I miss him so much. On the last day we were like, *Hug* Caro: I'll see ya later.
Angelo: Probly not. *Kinda smile*
Caro: Well, if you ever come to Colorado...
Angelo: I'll look you up.
I was like, *TEAR* but I didn't cry.
Dude, I've cried soooo much on this trip it's not even funny. Like, soooo not funny. It's not a happy situation for Caro when this happens. But any-whay, yea.
So I wrote Jon a letter sometime last week. As of a few days ago, he still hadn't gotten it. So I decided it was useless to send him any more letter since he gets home in a week. So I'm writing him letters to give to him when I get back. XD It makes me feel a little bit closer to him when I write, even though I'm so far away. *spreads cheese all over that statement.* ~CHEESY!~
Yea. Our film progressed from being a fifties murder mystery, to a CHEESE-CHEESE-CHEEEEZZZZY highschool romance. XD It's funny. Angelo and I were the only people who could really act...actually, Thomas could too.
Anyway, Gotta fly kiddos!
LUFF LUFF!
~CARO!
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2005 19 June :: 12.00pm
:: Mood: Hyper as muther phuk
HERE I AM!
I never make stupid mistakes. Only very very clever ones. -John Peel
CALIFORNIA, BABY!
Hooha!
Yease, so anyway. I'me here, and I have been for a wee. This is like, the second time I've gotten online the whole time I've been here because my bitchass fuckbrained computer, Oni, won't connect to the friggen network in Aimee's house. Ehyah. So I'm on the Aim-Dawg's computer right now, which I am totaly unused to, so you'll have to pardon any typos.
I'm reading The Lost Years of Merlin and it is totaly fabulous.
OMFG! HAHAHAHAHA!
VICTORY IS MIIIIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNEEEE! *hyperhyperhyperhyper* I'm starting an RPG group! HAHAHA! So, there. I'm having my new found buddy, Kelly, who is totaly a D&D player, help me with the skills and magics list, as well as the races. I've got the basic plot down and I drew a map today. I've got the Character Sheets pretty much done, too.
Jon left for Wisconsin (Or one of those places) today. He'll be gone for a month and won't be able to use a phone or e-mail for that whole time. T____________T We'll be able to write 'n stuff, though. So that'll be good. He's excited about the rpg I'll be starting. I'm sending him the character sheets 'n stuff so he can think out a character (cause it takes him for-EVER XD). It's gonna be funn! I wish my Nee could be here to join us. I wish, actually, that my Nee-chan could rp with me in any way shape or FORM. -____- Grar. Well, anyhouse, this will be my first time Game Mastering (or GMing as we call it), so it should be interesting.
Yease....
~FUGGINHYPERCARO!!!!!
5 disappointments |
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2005 7 June :: 10.04am
You like the ones that understand you.
What kind of guy are you most attracted to? (CUTE anime pics)
brought to you by Quizilla
Your Lightsaber is Blue
Blue is often associated with depth and stability.
It symbolizes trust, loyalty, wisdom,
confidence, and truth.
What Colored Lightsaber Would You Have?
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the sad teen. Everything in life is f*ckin'
miserable. You constantly look over your
shoulder and wonder who is judging you...even
when you are alone. So naturally, you have
become a little paranoid and pessamistic. Your
personality can be one demensional but
confusing. You are constantly bored with life
and wish that something could spice it up. You
have a unique view on life and have identified
the problems with school society (Ex...what
makes popular people, how the student mind
works...) You would rather be alone because you
hate being hurt. You tend to think that no one
understands you, not even your parents /
guardians / friends. But that is just the
opposite! The people who love you want to
help, but they don't know how because they have
a feeling that they will say something wrong
and turn you away. You have to let them know
that you are willing to hear what they have to
say...and it might do some good to listen to
them. Some fields you might consider going
in when you are older...Judge, author,
songwriter, producer, therapist, psychologist,
philosopher, or forensic scientist. You need a
job where you can express yourself and your
views on life. Or you need a field where you
can judge others and predict what is going on
in others life. Either way... you have the
personality to get you a good job that will
support you throughout life.
What type of teenager are you?
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HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!
~Caro
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