Urhg.
Yesterday I got a package from my Grandmother in California. It was a picture I had drawn for my grandfather saying "get well soon" in stenciled letters and said on the side in the handwriting of a small child, "From Caroline, to Winter Tiger" which was my nickname for him because of a game we used to play where I would ride on his back and he would pretend to be a big white tiger. That was shortly before he died.

I cried.
I'm crying now.

Last night Stephanie stayed here. It was loads of fun. Today we went down to the Pearl Street mall (which is an outdoor mall) and we hung around for a little while. We saw her friend and he was like, "At two o' clock you guys should come with me and we can smoke some pot." (Not an exact quote) and Stepanie was like, "Cool. But my friend here is a straight edge, so yea. *Turns to Caro* Are you cool with that?" "Yea." *Not really meaning it.* So we're walking to his car and I'm thinking 'Please don't let anything bad happen, please don't let anything bad happen...' over and over and over in my head. We got to his car and he got in and I started crying and Stephanie was like, "What's wrong?" And I said, "I can't do this..." My mom was supposed to pick us up in like, several hours and was in the closing for our mortgage and I didn't think she'd beable to come get me, but I called her anyway. I was lucky. She could come get me. I made sure I wasn't crying when I talked to her and she said she'd be there in fifteen minutes. I asked Stephanie to stay with me while her friend went to get her other friend, so she did and was like, "I know now not to put you in situations like that. I'm really sorry..." She appologised like, a billion times. Mom still doesn't know why I asked to get picked up.

I'm am feeling so emotionaly unstable I can't beleive it.

Like, on Tuesday I broke down sobbing when my mom was going to go to group because I had a horrible feeling something terrible was going to happen to her. I ended up going with her, clutching my stuffed walrus that ironicaly my grandfather gave me when I was about two years old.

I have a stuffed white tiger. My Grandfather gave that to me as well. He searched everywhere for it. He refused to give up. He finaly found one. It's a Stief, which is pretty much the most expencive stuffed animal you'll ever find. I have no idea ho expencive it must have been, but it was probably about fifty dollars, and it's not all that big. I love it dearly.


Hey, I love all you guys. You're all really supportive of me. You rock.

~Caro

5 disappointments | If you must