FUCK! it sucks to be me!
in sadies related sentiments, two words come to mind: passionate and exciting.

oh wait. no. nevermind! ;-D

the two words are: denial and boy scouting. well, i suppose i've been doing both for a very long time. well, 'doing' one, 'experiencing' the other. well, now that one of the two is realized, i think i can fully devote myself to the other. or can i?

i know what i want. and i know quite a bit about my options. i can think of 5 guys right now who would easily fulfill the desire that is currently lacking in my life. (aka, a little romance, more physical contact, and a fun date who's actually willing to dance with me and touch me a little.) yes, 5. all of them close enough friends (well, make that 4) that i wouldn't feel uncomfortable with them, and trust them enough to let myself go a little.

but gosh. i'm already such a bitch in the sense that i lead guys on...wouldn't that be the same thing? i wrote a poem last night, but it's not like i needed that to tell me that i'm not willing to let go. i say it almost every day: i have my priorities! and i know where they lie. but i think i'm ready to break through the security of knowing that i'll never be touched unless i start it.

i honestly desire a little physical affection. NOT MUCH, mind you, and we all know what happens when guys take it too far with me, but DAMN, i need SOMETHING! i've always been kind of a physical person. i've had my limitations, of course, but i like hugs. i don't have a hard time showing my affection in physical manners. i like being close in the mental sense as well as in the physical. i find great comfort in snuggling into someone's arms. i don't mean to be needy, but doesn't everyone need some physical affection sometimes?

well, onto my poem. i wrote this after i got home last night.

Purity

A cup of water, filled to the brim
Full of life, experiences
Openly proclaiming choices of old
A dash of dirt for taking a chance
A bit of sand for losing himself in her eyes
Though unmistakably pure.

Another glass,
So full it spills over with life and fulfillment
Cloudy with decisions yet to be made
A thin line of silt rests at the bottom
For risking her family's trust
Going on a whim, passion replacing reason.
Less bland to the taste, willing to share her flavor
But deep inside, she wants to be pure.

She wants her life to mix, new ideas,
different water to replace some of the weakness within her own cup
She's seen the effects of mixing with a cup full of mud,
of decisions negative and a troubled past
She'll only mix with the purist she can find,
The who she secretly wishes to be,
At least to live up to the high standers of his accomplishments

As she tries to get closer, her impurities begin to spill out
She regrets her 'spur of the moment' nature
And longs to be reminded of how it is one ought to be
His clear, crystalline water slowly pours into her soul
She's renewed with puritanical visions she can't quite grasp
And curses inwardly as the water slowly trickles away,
knowing that she is unable to wash away the dirt from her past.

A thin film resides on her water, cautious of failure and bad influence
But easily broken with the slightest touch
A heavy filter surrounds the second
Allowing no one to see in, pushing away the ones who want to enter,
Changing them before their world blends with his
A hopeful stream against a dam of boulders.

Forever hopeful, she tries again
To break past the sheild
She wonders what he'd think if he saw her every move
Allowing him to analyze her life
In hopes of one day being able to pass through the filter with ease

Sweaty hands push them together, one film breaks,
one grows stronger.
As one pushes for more, the other avoids its touch
Though breaking a while, in between attempts to love,
The ever hopeful impurity struggles onward.

Finally it becomes too much.
Too many hands, dirty and curious
Trying in vain to mix the two
Who should "obviously be together"
The filters close, and push the other glass away
Telling her that he's not worth her time,
Let him be! Go on without him.

She wants him still
Admiring him from a distance.
Longing for just one more sip of his crystaline purity
More dust collects at the bottom of her glass
She tires again, draws him closer, but her thirst is not quenched
She can't stop trying. She wants it too much.
The desire to be pure. All she wants is to be pure.



interesting, no?

well, with advice from my wonderful friends greg and francesco, i've made a very unstable decision. i think i'm going to pursue other friendships with the potentential of becoming closer. i'm going to make it clear that these relationships are friends-only, in hope that they won't think of me as something more.

well, want to hear about the party? of course you do!

so we all had a little get-together at they hayman's at 6:30. the turnout included, me, jeff, ross, dmitry, dmitry's date, (who is SUPER COOL!) sarah, charlie, shannon, henry, eleanor, alex, ali, lisa, lisa's date, (funny guy!) christiana, and terrance. did i forget anybody? *thinks* i'm not sure.

we had a fun time playing the piano, me thinking that piano players are sexy (wait, i do that EVERY time i'm at jeff's house!) played some pool, talked a lot, flirted with christiana and lisa (yes, you read it correctly) was possessive of jeff, smelled terrance, slapped some asses, and had a merry little time! oh, and we ate yummy food, thanks to brenda and becky!! <3 you! oh! mackenzie was there too!

inside jokes: do you have gel? i'm being WATCHED! NO! THAT'S TOO SEXUAL! omg! they're not attached! lots of singing. you're my bitch! what kind of animal is this? SHUT UP AND EAT! i just wanted to see how long it'd take you to be quiet. fair enough. perhaps.

and uhh...yeah!! that's sadies!

4 *time been annoyed* | *annoy me here*