Been a while.

I leave in two days for Pittsburgh, and I could not be less ready. I have zero clean clothes and zero energy with which to do laundry. Mind you, I am not complaining by any stretch of the imagination. I am super-psyched for this trip, I just am afraid that I will be up all night tomorrow packing and will be tired Saturday in Pittsburgh. Last time I went up I had stayed up the whole night before, since I had an early flight and didn't start packing until like 10. I was exhausted when I got there, and I'm pretty sure Karen mistook it for lack of excitement to see her. She's really sensitive to my moods and stuff while I'm up there, I have to be really careful. She cares so much about my feelings towards her, and that's the last thing I want her to be insecure about. The simple solution: get off the computer and start packing. And yet I can't seem to make myself do it.

On another note, I am covered in paint. Today we made little boxes for fathers day. 21 5-year-olds with paintbrushes equals mess. Work is fun, but surprisingly exhausting. The kids are constantly going from here to there, always busy. From the classroom to gym to snack to playground to computers to art to devotions to lunch to playground to movie to playtime to dismissal. Somewhere in there I get a 30 minute break. The rest of the day "PUSH ME ON THE SWING MS LAUREN!" "HIGHER" "YOU CAN'T FIND ME!" "Can you tie my shoes?" "Can you open my juice" "Guess what!" "One time..." "My mom/dad/brother/sister said that..." I'm going to fall over. I never thought it was so exhausting just maintaining kids. Forget running around chasing them, playing, etc. It takes an enormous amount of energy just to deal with them regularly. Always talking, swinging on my arms, pulling my shirt, they're insane. But I still love them....most of them. Some of them give me a little 1/4 life crisis, because I've known them since they were tiny babies. The kids from my student assistant class are going into middle school. They used to be four. I have two kids whose brother/sister were in my student assistant class when they were born, and now they're going into kindergarten.

Caroline Cleveland is attending camp.

I just can't get over the fact that I've grown up.

But I really am having a good time, the kids are adorable, though sometimes annoying. Everyone keeps pressuring me to be a teacher. 0.0 *twitch*

I really cannot get past the feeling of being in limbo. I feel so disconnected, and that's the only way I can describe it. It has been so long since I've gone out and done something fun with my high school friends. I say high school friends because Sarah and I did go see Madagascar on Sunday. It's as though everyone's gone already, though they're all right here. I have talked to a few people, and I honestly miss them, which is hard to believe. I really didn't think that I would be sad not seeing everyone every day, but I think it's the feeling that not only am I not going to see them every day, but I'll probably see them once or twice a year. I just feel so in between things. I am done with high school, and that's how it is in my brain. But I don't recognize myself as being in college. I'm just kind of ...there. Or rather, here.

Everything seems so abstract to me. It feels like nothing is actually happening, or going to happen. College is very abstract to me. Even going to Pittsburgh seems intangible. ..I think I just made up a word. Regardless, I think a large part of the reason I can't get myself to pack is because it still hasn't sunk in that I'm actually going. I really don't know how to describe it. I think that I lack something tangible ahead of me, and it's like the future has stopped. I keep thinking that things will become more real as they get closer, but I mean damn, PA is in two days. Alright, I'll wrap this up and go get a shower and do laundry (not at the same time). I need to get to bed early since camp is so freaking draining. Hopefully tomorrow I can pack by 10 and get to bed. I have to wake up Saturday at like 4. Bleh. Oh well, it'll be worth it. ^_^



Sidenote: List of things not to forget while packing:
1. Photo Albums (2)
2. DVD Camcorder and DVDs
3. Clothes
4. UF T-Shirt
5. Turtle (don't ask)
6. ATL pennant
7. Eagle bobblehead
8. Diploma
9. Tassles
10. IB Stole
11. DVDs (Phantom, Incredibles, Finding Neverland, Family Guy)
12. Bracelet, Ring
13. Squishy pillow for the plane
14. Graduation/senior pictures
15. Camera
Hmm...must call Karen to see if I've forgotten anything.

1 glance | Never look back.