:: 2007 8 March :: 9.15 am

amazing. this is the only thing i can log into besides email.
i am so happy i love it out here.
so far i have dont pikes place and pioneer square. the underground tour the emp and the space needle.
today annie and i are doing the are museums and tonight is zinzanni.
its freezing. i am cold even inside the house.
tomorrow we go to broadway and shop. saturday i was thinking of going to renton so annie could see jimi hendrix's grave.
ahh well. breakfast.

canyoustandonyourhead?

:: 2006 6 October :: 1.41 am

my best memory of us.
when i spent the night at your house last time, and you had to get up to do something, but didnt want me to get up too.
you tried to get me to go back to sleep, by stroking my hair.
that is my favorite feeling in the world. you did it until you thought i was asleep and then went out. i go out of bed five minutes later. even though we hadnt got that much sleep the night before.

i loved it when we were out doing something and you would randomly whisper in my ear that you loved me.

i am not whole anymore, i am in little pieces.
everyone just takes parts of me and abuses them. what about me gives someone the ok to do that. it is like there is a sign over me, that says take one.

i cant breathe anymore. congratulations, you have fucked me up more than i ever thought possible.

canyoustandonyourhead?

:: 2006 17 September :: 10.59 pm

this is what i am reduced to.
i am so pathetic, why do i think i need you to be happy and ok?
i guess i am just lonely. i have friends and all, but like i have said before friends don't have that obligation to talk to you every day.
i used to go to bed every night with you on my mind, and i would wake up excited to hear your voice again.
i miss hearing someone tell me they love me everyday, and being able to understand that they did.
i wonder if i had stayed in fort myers would we still be together?
it kills me. either answer hurts.
i wish we could still talk. its my fault we dont, but i dont care. you did what was best for you, now i have to do what is best for me.

canyoustandonyourhead?

:: 2006 11 September :: 3.13 pm

i wish i could hate you.
it would make not talking to you a lot easier.
Instead i just think of how stupid this is. how ridiculously lost i feel. how i hate this whole sacrifice bullshit. even though its all true it is still terrible.
it really is surprising how little faith you have.
i am going to ending making myself sick. i cant be that way again.

canyoustandonyourhead?

:: 2006 4 May :: 4.57 pm

im sorry i hurt you.
cheating on you was one of the biggest mistakes of my life.
i love you so much. i hate that i hurt you like this.
i dont think there is any convincing you to come back, that breaks my heart.
i hate smiling and trying to be funny and happy when i just want to lie in bed and cry because i am such a terrible person.
i want you here with me. i dont want us to hurt anymore.
i want you to trust me, because you can. i never lied when i told you how much i loved you, or that i would stay with you through college. you are the only one i want.
right now it feels like i can't live without you. an over dramatization, yes. but, i can't breathe when i think that you wont be calling me just to say good morning or goodnight anymore.
ill forget the way you smell and the way it feels to hold your hand, the freckles you have on your back.
i miss the way it feels when you smile at me. or when i hug and kiss you.
i cant do this. i dont want to.

canyoustandonyourhead?

:: 2006 26 April :: 4.25 pm

here is the moment where i am so scared of the future.
it hurt to kiss you today. that feeling has never been amplified like this for me.
we both knew it was coming, that this had to happen. the aspect of our future being brought up.
and now im upset because you couldnt reassure me.
but i am glad you didnt. you didnt make promises you cant keep. you said you were scared too. it made the situation real and i am glad for it.
8 hours is a long drive
summer is the test and i hope we pass.

canyoustandonyourhead?

:: 2006 12 February :: 9.31 pm

The damaged kind, who always just wants to please but never, ever will.

canyoustandonyourhead?

:: 2006 6 February :: 6.15 pm

Je ne t'aime plus, mon amour.
I can not wait to graduate. I mean really I can't i want to go to college and learn to be self reliant and all that.

What i am not ready to do is lose a lot of people. You know those people you hang out with once in awhile, the ones you talk to just in school, or the ones you just got to know. All of these people are just going to go away. You dont know their phone number because if you called them you wouldnt have much to say. But you love being with them, even though it is for like 45 minutes a day.
We are growing up and we are going away from eachother. It is the people who matter you come back to.

canyoustandonyourhead?

:: 2006 22 January :: 1.19 am

no one lives but us.
today i havent said a single word out loud. i have typed and read and thought all day.
so, it doesnt feel like i have been quiet. even though im itching to speak.

canyoustandonyourhead?

:: 2006 3 January :: 7.04 pm

I am applying to college. I called my Aunt and Uncle and asked them for thier info. They are going to call me later with the rest of it.

So now I am sitting here doing chem homework and listening to Rilo Kiley.

I am all jittery and I feel like I am going to throw up. I am scared.
Every part of my body feels light and numb, like I just smoked a cigarette quickly.

The fact that I am applying just emphasizes the fact that I have no idea what I want to do with the rest of my life. I have had the better part of 17 years to decide this and I want to choose something that will not make me miserable like my grandparents are.

The thing about that is, I can't even do things I love everyday. How I am I supposed to find something that would make me want to get up and go to work every day when I am so finicky?

Ok, I feel better now.

canyoustandonyourhead?

:: 2006 1 January :: 6.42 pm

It is 2006.

I can't remember the image i had of myself a senior. I still wonder if I am anything similar to how I thought I would be.

I don't know about you, but the fog last night seemed, to me, to be a bad omen. Nights like that should happen on Easter, not New Years. It makes me nervous now, since this year is going to be very important.

Though it is just fog.

1 stood | canyoustandonyourhead?

:: 2005 30 December :: 9.15 pm

p.s. go watch the movies before sunrise and before sunset.

be prepared though, they have the capability to make you feel intensely lonely.

canyoustandonyourhead?

:: 2005 30 December :: 9.01 pm
:: Music: bob dylan <3

2 stood | canyoustandonyourhead?

:: 2005 8 December :: 7.15 pm

your love is gonna drown.
this new death cab cd is like a drug. i love it.

man oh man. i am add odds over what to do with myself. i feel so useless right now.

i have this feeling that i want to do something, i just dont know what inparticular.

canyoustandonyourhead?

:: 2005 5 December :: 10.01 pm

listen

maybe i am this way because i want attention. if i looked the way i got attention i would be skin and bones. it would be disgusting.

i get attention but it is not what i want.

canyoustandonyourhead?

:: 2005 4 December :: 3.01 pm

honestly, i feel like one of the most awful people on the planet.

not outwardly, in a im going to commit mass genocide kind of way.

inside.

canyoustandonyourhead?

:: 2005 29 November :: 11.40 pm

i made a really lame analogy about myself in my head earlier.

my life is like the movie the never ending story, and my brain is like the nothing.

i love that movie though.

i should be writing an essay on the theme of animal farm.
that book scared the crap out of me. it disgusts me to think there are societies like this today.

i should do my chem tests that i seemed to do well in school but as soon as i tried to do it at home my brain made this horrible wuuurrr noise and shut of.

i wish i had a bathtub.

off to essaynessage.

canyoustandonyourhead?

:: 2005 16 November :: 7.34 pm

i think i want to drop out of the center.

I was thinking about ti all day today, and i thought that that place successfully helped me squash most of my love of art right out of me.

I admit that my skin isnt think enough to be an artist.

1 stood | canyoustandonyourhead?

:: 2005 26 September :: 9.00 pm

ok so i talked to my mother today, i havent talked to her since august.

She called friday but i wasnt home, and she told my granmother she was leaving floyd, and how she has another boyfriend. and this guy had a daughter who is apparently close to my or zacks age.
My mom is looking for an apartment with 3 bedrooms so the girl and i have a room to ourselves when we're there.

the fact that there is another girl made me want to explode. it is bad enough that i stayed here because i wanted to, or felt obligated to. But now there is another girl who gets to spend time with my mother. My mother.

I should not be jealous of this girl either because she has her own mother, and on to of that, she probably doesnt like her very much anyway. most children of divorced parents harbor some sort of hatred for the person thier parent is with.

I love her so much but i have this great hatred for her. this is going to stay with me forever, i know it. I hope it is worse for her, i really do. I suppose it must be, having a daughter you were never really a mother to. I will never get over why she did not come here. Never. I loathe florida with every fiber of my being, and i realize how agitating our family can be espically to her, espically.

But the fact that her children, her son and her daughter were here should have made even the shittiest of places seem like a palace.

All the time i think of things i am really missing out on. and now its even worse, so much worse. Why? Because i am not a child anymore, I am raised, there is no more after this. I am graduating in a matter of months, then what? College. I am an adult but i dont feel like one.

Will she be here to help me move my things to college? and cry when she has to leave me at my dorm. Will she send me care packages filled with food she knows i love? Leave me silly messages on my cell phone to make my day?

i dont know. i am jealous of everyone with parents right now.
I am so angry. I hate myself for staying here sometimes. I know why did though.

when i grow up and have my own family i will never do this. i dont want my children to have to worry about things i have to, or things my peers have to worry about.

canyoustandonyourhead?

:: 2005 9 May :: 9.23 pm

i havent been sleeping right lately.

saturday night was the only good night i had in awhile. im tired and i go to bed but it takes forever to fall asleep and i have kind of a restless sleep.

temporary insomnia. it will probably go away when stress wears off.

everything seems wrong or skewed. the strange thing though is i am making progress and getting better, i am a lot happier than i was this time last year.

3 stood | canyoustandonyourhead?

:: 2005 2 March :: 9.02 pm

holler for my new layout.

i like this icon, it has a lot of colors so i could change my layour around and keep the same icon.

versatility is awesome.

i looove you.

5 stood | canyoustandonyourhead?

:: 2004 29 December :: 5.14 pm

i cant believe it is already wendesday.

gag, i cant remember half of this vacation. honestly. which honestly doesnt matter because i havent done anything really.

and even though i have taken my allergy medication i have been completely miserable.

i am the unluckiest allergy girl, i am just glad i dont have the out of the ordinary allergies, like food allergies.

i used to know of someone allergic to wheat. wouldnt that suck? to be allergic to wheat.

i am in a weird funk, i cant even read books i have been excited to read for ages. all i do is sit and watch tv. blah.

2 stood | canyoustandonyourhead?

:: 2004 19 December :: 8.03 pm
:: Mood: :|

now would be a good time to decide what you really want in life
honestly. go and watch the dangerous lives of altar boys.

i ant to be with someone who i can watch a movie with and be all close with.


hrm

2 stood | canyoustandonyourhead?

:: 2004 17 December :: 8.43 pm

WHAT NOW MOTHER FUCKER

christmas vacation is onnnnn.

and my grandma is only speaking to me in short clipped sentences.

going to benecias sister's party tomorrow. where supposedly i will be able to have a rum and coke? which is random, and i highly doubt will happen.

sunday is lemony snicket with mary and jenna.
then dinner at applebees because we soooo lame.

i am content right now, and i am so happy. really truly. these symbols cannot convey the feeling i have right now.

:D i feel like being around someone and being my happy self.

oh god i have to write this so i can remember.
in math annie, favi, tyler, and i had this back massaging line going. and then i was streched out on the ground and tyler sat on my butt and started rubbing my back, and i tickled him with my feet and he ticked me and i kicked him in the back!!!!! i felt soo bad! ack, but it was funny.

i had so much candy today! i feel soo nasty.

1 stood | canyoustandonyourhead?

:: 2004 15 December :: 7.24 pm

well well well.

Chem wasnt oh so bad. it was actually ok.

kristie drops the AP history, and i am so going to miss her, i never ge to see her, and i have to change my 5th period for next semester.

maybe if i get my permit over break, i can take driver ed.

holler.

canyoustandonyourhead?

:: 2004 11 December :: 5.48 pm
:: Mood: :]

hey wow.

woohu look soo noice!

1 stood | canyoustandonyourhead?

:: 2004 24 October :: 1.00 pm
:: Music: a lullaby

canyoustandonyourhead?

:: 2004 26 May :: 3.02 pm

DOODE!

summser doesnt feel like its here.

1 more day guys.

then i have to clean my house. go shopping for france clothes, take a math test, and register for my D/E class.

oh you know my summer will be oh so fun.

guess what, if i do take my math class i have to miss the 2nd day of school for the exam.

maybe the first too, im not 100% on that.

blarghkfg

3 stood | canyoustandonyourhead?

:: 2004 10 May :: 9.51 pm
:: Music: billy idol - rebel yell

canyoustandonyourhead?

:: 2004 2 May :: 3.19 pm

this weekend sucks.

i was talking to my mom yesterday, and she told me how my uncle ronnie sent her an email in all CAPS saying that memere needs me here in florida and instead of wasteing their money on plane tickets for me to visit them, they should send me money so i can have independence from memere.

i am completely take aback that my uncle would have the fucking nerve to EVER send anything like that to my mother. HIS LITTLE SISTER. what a fucker.

i told my grandmother about it, and she was stunned. or as stunned as you can be for her. all she said was i cant wait until you graduate.

she didnt mean that in a mean way. we suffer them together. because once i leave for college, shes moving. either to bonita with my other aunt and uncle, or to georgia near my...other aunt and uncle.

i dont know what is wrong with them lately, they are crazy. i mean. really, its seems that they are tacking all the bad shit they THOUGHT about my brother is sort of being pinned on me now.

my aunt called and freaked out and my grandmother because i didnt say thanks to her mother for something she got me.

i was planning on sending a card. they think i am some spoiled brat. well i have news for them: don not concentrate your parenting skills on ME, you have a spoiled rotten little BRAT for a daughter, focus on her.
i was raised right, i am almost an adult, while being 6 estefanie is not. i would watch out for her.

i am going to laugh so FUCKING hard when stef is 16 and they do not know what to do with her.

i feel like i am going to spontaineously combust. i am so upset and hot.

i need to go and paint, or i will be screwed.

canyoustandonyourhead?