try me...

try me...

rina	:: 2006 8 February :: 2.57am :: Mood: exhausted ignoring the ache of my head, i have never in my life felt so elated. its 3 in the morning, and i have no one to share this with. 1 stood \| canyoustandonyourhead?

rina	:: 2006 3 February :: 4.58pm :: Mood: energetic :: Music: something to look forward to - spoon some things are best left unsaid i have decided, that late nights spent on useless speeches, essays, projects, etc are entirely over. i'm going to be young and carefree. canyoustandonyourhead?

rina

:: 2006 1 February :: 11.36pm
:: Mood: sleepy
:: Music: let go - frou frou

there's beauty in the breakdown
i need better work ethic,
because it mostly consists of sighs,
backward glances, impossible structures.

this is so difficult,
willing the right words to flow from my fingertips.
i always think that its so much easier speaking in person,
because think of what we're missing?
creeping blushes, fidgeting hands, bright eyes.

we're so defined by our mannerisms.
so much that it makes up, oh, 95 percent of language.

canyoustandonyourhead?

rina

:: 2006 31 January :: 7.54pm
:: Mood: drained
:: Music: iou - metric

subtract my age from the mileage on my speeding heart
i hate hate hate the way i am blamed for things not concerning me.
the day i leave here,
i hope i don't look back.

i do, however, really enjoy a certain boy's company.

canyoustandonyourhead?

rina

:: 2006 29 January :: 7.24pm
:: Mood: apathetic
:: Music: si tu n'etais pas la (frehel)

incapable de rester toute seule
how can i be sure,
that everything you've said to me,
has not been the chaos of mixed signals?

for once,
i'd like to feel that i'm actually in control of something,
and that i might be worth more than a quick fix.

i will not be the sum of all my inadequacies.

canyoustandonyourhead?

rina

:: 2006 27 January :: 3.28pm
:: Mood: relaxed
:: Music: la valse d'amelie (piano)

whats holding up her face, nothing but blue skies
i was locked outside my house today,
for almost two hours,
and i have never been so content in my life.
the sky was a clear, heartaching blue,
and i was listening to comptine d'un autre: l'apres midi,
almost on repeat,
and in that time i've decided that i love the way clouds melt together at the slightest touch,
like a lover's embrace.

sometimes i imagine that if the world were to reverse itself,
inside-out-upside-down,
then the endless abyss of sky would be my home.

canyoustandonyourhead?

rina	:: 2006 25 January :: 8.43pm :: Mood: happy :: Music: hopesfall today was, in all ways possible, perfect. 2 stood \| canyoustandonyourhead?

rina	:: 2006 21 January :: 5.44pm :: Music: monster hospital - metric i fought the war but the war won scanned two sketchbook entries. they are here and here. i can't stand cancellations. the sorry, denied, deleted, just-a-memory. canyoustandonyourhead?

rina

:: 2006 20 January :: 2.36am
:: Mood: cold
:: Music: the calender girl - stars

the stars will kiss your pretty face
this is so terribly frustrating,
never doing work when i should.
i promised myself i'd do better, better, better.
and look where its got me,
i'm a burned-out-brain-dead-no-life-sucker.

c'mon now.
i waste my time doing things i shouldn't,
just to end up getting out of it anyways.
i do not possess any motivation,
and it feels like my heart is dying.

canyoustandonyourhead?

rina

:: 2006 14 January :: 10.42pm
:: Mood: hopeless
:: Music: a lack of color - deathcab

and when i see you, i really see you upside down
i feel like i can't use the word 'depressed.'
it has such negative connotations.

as if, when you're sad about your cat dying, for example, you're just grieving. you're sad.
though if you instead say, i'm so depressed about my cat dying, its like saying that not only did your cat die, but your whole entire family died, and you're hanging on to that one inch of life you have left because of the pills that you pop, as much as you breathe oxygen.

so, examples aside,
i'm very sad at the moment.
i'm in this rut where nothing i say,
or do,
will get me out of it.
oh, i'm hoping you'll understand me when the time comes.

2 stood | canyoustandonyourhead?

rina

:: 2006 4 January :: 12.44am
:: Music: calculation theme - metric

passions have eroded anyway
i wish i had some kind of astounding insight into life that someone else could relate to.
as of now,
my views, perspectives, opinions, are clouded by what i have yet to experience; as if everything i've never done is directly deciding how i see the world around me.

and more than ever, my sketchbook is becoming my journal.
sometimes, when people ask to see it,
i kind of curl up inside of myself, because all the drawings that are in there tie into some emotion or event, and it is very significant for me.
i've transferred myself onto paper.

so maybe,
perhaps if i have the time,
i'll scan some of my sketchbook entires.
because i think that some part of me is restricting my emotions.
like if i don't get over the feelings i already have, they will just fester inside of me and transform into something hideous.
and i wouldn't be able to handle that.

2 stood | canyoustandonyourhead?

rina

:: 2005 31 December :: 9.36pm
:: Mood: distressed
:: Music: dead guys with bombs - chris beck

heart has nothing to do with it
i hate that the only place you'll ever know as home is yourself.
and that your house, your family, your life, can feel like a prison.
the way glass shatters across a tile floor, that's how life is.
each little piece glinting, reflecting images of how you could be or how you were.
each tiny image of yourself distorted and broken against the grout cracks and the cold marble.
some pieces are bigger than the others, obviously,
but the smallest ones are always the most convoluted,
with a twistingly morbid sense of detail.
the prettier the point, the deeper the cut.
its that all-roses-have-thorns-you-know.

i hate this so much, wishing i was anywhere but here, but with no actual place to end up.
if only for the journey, i'd like to never come back.
because having a fixed destination is most definitely, and completely and utterly compromised, because no matter what road you take, you'll just end up where you wanted to go in the first place.
and isn't that just dandy.
i absolutely cannot stand the feeling of having my future decided for me.

if human beings are anything, they for sure aren't obedient.
i guess we live for the revolution.

and as a side note:
shittiest new year's ever.

canyoustandonyourhead?

rina

:: 2005 30 December :: 10.21pm
:: Mood: destructive
:: Music: comptine d'un autre: l'apres midi

start with something you love
pretend everything you've ever known will only be forgotten.
and that this life you're looking for,
[the-spark-the-drive-the-meaning]
will never be found.
think, if you will,
about postcards from future faces, past places, infinite spaces.
and that this link you've searched for,
[these-murmur-whisper-slurs-of-ours]
can't ever be replaced.
imagine that your world, life, universe, doesn't belong to you.
and all that you can remember is gone,
[frenetic-thoughts-memory-loss-no-regrets]
because it was never up to you anyways.
try if you might to create a time when everything you have is everything you aren't.
and believe you have an identity of your own,
[the-symmetry-the-blasphemy-the-hypocrisy]
when really you're just a mirror of another.

now think of us,
[the-past-present-future-us]
and imagine that none of it mattered.

canyoustandonyourhead?

rina

:: 2005 16 December :: 3.12am
:: Mood: insightful
:: Music: mad world - gary jules

the dreams in which im dying are the best i've ever had
adaptation is compromise.

it takes a while to figure out, but once you get it,
life doesnt look so pristine
and school doesnt seem so important.
go ahead, try it.

1 stood | canyoustandonyourhead?

rina

:: 2005 5 December :: 8.20pm
:: Mood: discontent
:: Music: halcyon and on and on - orbital

when words are slurs
tongue-tied, watchful eyes,
a slight of hand could mean
fin
for the both of us

smoking pot, parking lots,
i hoped it wouldn't
end up like this,
i'm tired of our paralysis

waiting room, icu,
i never thought white could look
as barren as it does,
while i wait for the cause

misconceptions, false convictions,
you're failing just like
you normally do,
and the lcd is falling with you

funeral march, heavy heart,
i never wanted for you to
sink this low,
i suppose you'll never know

2 stood | canyoustandonyourhead?

rina

:: 2005 4 December :: 7.25pm
:: Mood: busy
:: Music: summer skin - death cab

how a theoretical physicist finds love (re: when science stops working)
it's in the cracks, the in-betweens, the explained unexplainables.
when freckles go from pigments,
to constellations,
to colliding molecules and supernovas.

it's the amaranthine sky filled with nuclear reactions.
and you know you could just call it rain,
instead of thinking that precipitate,
is just another word for change

and when life becomes less measured in minutes,
but more in breaths, glances, sighs,
you think its time
to stop calculating when the chemistry will be created

because in a room full of whiskey and wishes,
when it ceases to be music and instead becomes
cerulean beats and brick-red rhythms,
thinking clearly doesn't register

what was once gravity and equations
slowly, gradually, evolves into invisible hands and,
light goes from enigma,
to heart beats,
to artery explosions .

canyoustandonyourhead?

rina

:: 2005 4 December :: 2.28am
:: Mood: whatever
:: Music: i will follow you into the dark - death cab for cutie

love of mine, someday you will die
i hate when people look down upon me because i don't harbor the same beliefs as them.
or when they try to save me from the error of my ways.
the error of seeing religions more as guidelines than a cult.
which is harsh, i know.
but i cannot believe a celestial being created the earth in six days, and that humans appeared out of no where.

lately i've been reading about several religions, traditions, mythologies.
i've decided to pick and choose,
and then form my own religion.
a set of beliefs that would fluxuate and change as i realize, discover, experience.

canyoustandonyourhead?

rina

:: 2005 14 November :: 3.26am
:: Mood: blah
:: Music: ruby blue - r�is�n murphy

ready to go, go, go
i suppose this is quite unhealthy.
being awake at 3.30 on a school night and such.

it doesn't faze me though.
it should, but it does not.
the only thing it succeeds in doing is making me tired and rather irritable.

oh, i wish i was nocturnal.
or that everyone else slept the way i do.
maybe it wouldnt be so lonely when you're splitting time with another person.
ah well.

canyoustandonyourhead?

rina

:: 2005 13 November :: 12.53am
:: Mood: thoughtful
:: Music: cosy in the rocket - psapp

nobody knows where we might end up
i miss this.
but the truth is, nothing's all right anymore.
what is?
i'm down down down, drowning in work i can't finish.
my head spins just thinking about it.

so i'm thinking, deciding about what to do next.
what to think next.
i'm pretty sure i need a vacation, and soon.

art has taken a swift turn from the believable to the surreal.
i'm making up things that don't make sense.
and apparently its disconcerting for others.

i'm much too morbid for their taste, maybe.

canyoustandonyourhead?

rina

:: 2005 27 September :: 7.50pm
:: Mood: blah
:: Music: gunboat - vixtrola

space can wait
oh we're cruel
we've got the makings of generals
and we're still arguing about who's top gun
with lives like these
we could live on the sun
but knowing us, we'd like the moon better
and in the time it'd take us to change our minds
we'd've already lost a lifetime

canyoustandonyourhead?

rina

:: 2005 26 September :: 6.38pm
:: Mood: annoyed
:: Music: we looked like giants - death cab for cutie

chemical distraction
she's into chemistry and always has a book under her nose, like she can unlock the secrets of the universe between its pages. because sometimes she thinks its possible.

but other times, most of the time, she's wondering if there's life after equilibrium, or how love is like chemicals, and if all the elements in the world will bring her lover back home.

and when she looks at things it's all disjointed, atoms crashing at each other, and she's hoping that one day everything will get along just fine.

so when the winter comes with its chill, and its news, and its gray gray skies, she thinks she'll never love anything again.
and she can't help deciding that somehow its all her fault, she should've looked for him, and maybe if she did, this horrible thing might not have happened.

she puts all her books away.

now its summer and she's got powerlines in her bloodlines because even if it still hurts, she's not wondering whether love is like a sodium explosion.

her hair is brown and everywhere, and sometimes when she cries the only thing she wishes is for molecules to rearrange and make a person to hold her.

and when he comes to her door after months and days, she's thinking it's most likely a dream.
and when he takes her towards something like potassium bombs of light, she hopes its real, so much so that her brain rejects anything but the moment.

because deep down inside, she knew that life was just a hoax, and even if it did taste bitter, she gulped the cyanide down anyways.

canyoustandonyourhead?

rina	:: 2005 26 September :: 6.24pm :: Mood: aggravated :: Music: agenda suicide - the faint none of you know what the fuck is going on, so please stop pretending that you do. thank you. canyoustandonyourhead?

rina	:: 2005 21 September :: 3.34am :: Mood: tired :: Music: revolution - aimee allen if i could get out, i'd start a revolution still not asleep. which is not good, i don't think. canyoustandonyourhead?

rina

:: 2005 19 September :: 11.05pm
:: Mood: sad
:: Music: j'y suis jamais alle

4am was always our favortie time
we used to talk like this
with twisted words and swirling emotions
the way some talk about houses, cars, jobs
[all that normality, conformity]
we spoke in languages of rebellion
no mention of the past, filled with boyish sighs
jellybean highs
we�re so immature, i think, when we talk about leaving
getting away from it all
when really we�re just separating from each other
late nights of planning, wishing
we�re nearing a breakdown
[nuclear bomb reaction, distraction]
so when you say, lets leave
i say, we need to wait
say, we need a guide during the night
[stars were always my favorite light]
and when you don�t reply i take it as a yes
because you could never disagree with me anyways

canyoustandonyourhead?

rina

:: 2005 12 September :: 8.50pm
:: Mood: crazy
:: Music: comptine d'un autre ete: l'apres midi - am�lie soundtrack

pas si simple
i'm so fucked up.
i mean, i am just so maliciously fucked up i hate to think about myself.

i'm going to die one day, and sometimes i wish it would hurry up. its not like i know what to do with life anyways.

and writing things down doesn't ease my frustration. it just sits there, festering in my brain, reminding me of everything i'm frustrated about. just adding onto whatever shit i was thinking at the time.
the written word is hard for me to use now.
its losing its luster.

i think i might need a psychiatrist. but i don't want to be dramatic.
it'll probably fuck everything up even worse.
i need aspirin.

canyoustandonyourhead?

rina

:: 2005 5 August :: 3.16am
:: Mood: awake
:: Music: Holland, 1945 - Neutral Milk Hotel

i have been trying and trying to update, but work and life and, ultimately, computer malfunctions have made it impossible.

i promise i'll read up on everything i've missed, and try to comment on your latest entry with everything that's been happening in your lives. :)

canyoustandonyourhead?

rina

:: 2005 15 July :: 10.49am
:: Mood: restless
:: Music: two sides/monsieur valentine - spoon

its a celebration of the deceitful
ophelia, her eyes like ebony
she was full of whiskey
in a ragged dress with the color missing

ophelia, she glanced at amber liquid
and wondered how she could fix it
when life became, oh, so wicked

well she counted her way backwards from ten
and pretended not to be so frightened
but ophelia, she was terrified of what could happen

she seemed stretched so languidly
and thought the world was still darkening
and ophelia, she waited for the grand finale

the world's fading, she says
too many deaths and not enough savings
but she didnt care enough to walk towards neon lights

because ophelia, her eyes like ebony
she was full of whiskey
with a tattered dress that seemed to be missing

5 stood | canyoustandonyourhead?

rina

:: 2005 18 June :: 9.44pm
:: Mood: contemplative
:: Music: everything's not lost - coldplay

its a delicate degree
the human being fascinates me.
on the one hand, you have rapists, murderers, thieves, molesters, serial killers.
whats-his-face peterson, the unabomber. jack the ripper.

and what kills me is that you can see the corruption on someone�s face.
the seven deadly sins.
glutton. covetousness. lust. anger. envy. sloth. pride.
but then, in the other hand, you have masterpieces of art, magnificent symphonies, prodigies, theatre, pbs.
aristotle, da vinci, mozart.

i wonder, though, if locke or hobbes was right.
because we are such multi-faceted creatures.
maybe there is some sort of undetectable chemical or hormone that is present in some, and not in others. maybe that�s the cause of violence and insanity.

and although i�d like to believe locke was correct, and that we were all born happy and peaceful and wonderful, its hard; because we have such lush history.
the romans. the vikings. the countless wars.

and you know how everyone says that history repeats itself?
that�s bull.
because, [this is a message for you, mankind] lets say someone makes ONE huge mistake. fine, okay. the world can deal, it was an accident.
but then some time later someone else thinks they can pull off what the other couldn�t, because we�ve advanced technologically. this guy, lets call him bob, totally blows it.
so the world is all �for shame, bob. learn from the past.�

THEN, adding insult to injury, another guy, fred, says bob was retarded, and since its fifty years later, he should try.
can you see the pattern?

and as of the moment my mind is already losing its direction & focus because i have the attention span of a small child on speed.
so im going to try and stop myself from losing the rest of my money to barnesandnoble.com .

1 stood | canyoustandonyourhead?

rina

:: 2005 7 June :: 1.58pm
:: Mood: curious
:: Music: fake palindromes - andrew bird

and that's not all
i hate that my brain is always set on "worst case scenario."
ie: driving on blue ridge parkway.

for the average human being, this should be a wonderful experience; fantastic views and scenery blowing by your car window.

and then there's me.
wondering what it would be like if the car veered sharply off the very, very steep mountain. what would i do to survive?
would the car get caught in tree branches, consequently causing a bough to snap some sort of fuel line that will cause a chain reaction, making the car blow up?

who knows. but i think of things like that all the time.

anyways, north carolina was pretty good. it was a welcome break from the constant heat that is the sunshine state.

which is kind of ironic, really, since it got around 9.5 inches of rain while i was gone. hm.

3 stood | canyoustandonyourhead?

rina	:: 2005 19 May :: 11.12pm :: Mood: content :: Music: i love you - dandy warhols but you, you're the catalyst its my birthday tomorrow. happy birthday, me. 8 stood \| canyoustandonyourhead?