me being lazy
um... a lot's happened since i last wrote on here a billion years ago, but i have nothing to say right now. maybe i'll write again a little sooner next time...


i don't want to go to work tomorrow.

i'm getting a raise! sometime next week we're going to sit and discuss it because i am such a hard work and am great and wonderful and blah blah blah... sometimes it pays being liked.

why do we have to keep going through this?
i feel like giving up. why bother to try to make this work, to try and build a life together when it just turns out to be all lies.
it feels like were going backwards. you say we're getting better but it's just because i havent found out whats been going on behind my back yet.
it feels like i'm in a one sided relationship. i will tell you absolutely everything and you hide everything thats important.
do you not care about us? do you not care about me? is tomorrow as far as you see in the future?
you tell me that you love me... but i dont know... who's to know what real love is anyways...

I hate my life
I can't wait to move out. On sunday I start looking for a place in Etobicoke. I can't be here any longer. I can't stand Bill, I know he's pissed I'm moving because that screws him and my mom over, but I don't care. He thinks he's been deceived from his orginal agreement with my mom, but I was never planning to stay till next summer. I've wanted to move out for a long time now and I can't keep delaying this for other people to be okay. I don't want to deal with their mood swings/freak outs. I need time away from everyone so we can all breathe and recollect ourselves and then see them again. They need to learn not to depend on me. I'll not be here to cook, clean, and buy groceries for them, they'll need to make the time in their ever so "busy" lives. Learn how to work overtime, despite the fact they hate their job, to make the extra money they need. I've done it for the past 5 years, now it's their turn.

I don't think Amy and I will ever be friends like we were a year ago. Not much has actually changed in our situation except the fact that we know we've been ignoring each other. It got better slightly and we actually talked... maybe twice... but that's it. We only talk briefly when forced together in group situations and McDonalds is typically the only thing brought up... nothing actually important in our own lives, just work gossip that I can normally avoid really well except when I see her. Oh well... we'll see if anything changes, but odds are slim.

i feel like crying
i've been so emotional these past two days. i hate getting my period, it does this to me. i miss my boyfriend. i miss my friends. i never talk to them anymore and whenever we get together we have nothing to say to each other. my only friend is my boyfriend now... he's the only one i can talk to. we could see each other everyday and still have stuff to say to each other. while my friends whom i haven't seen for like weeks... there's nothing... always nothing... nothing's happened... nothing's new... nothing to tell... :o( i miss school in a way... only because i miss seeing them everyday and actually being able to talk to them.
the one friend i see everyday, because i work with her, i rarely ever talk to her and vice versa. and when i try and hang out with her outside of work all she ever talks about is work... and well i already know what happened because i was there so i don't need to be retold and nor do i wish to be reminded of that hell hole every time we talk which just makes us drift further apart... or getting drunk which i couldn't care less about because i think it's sad how people only care about the weekend because they plan on getting trashed... what kind of life is that?...
i need some new friends. but i don't really want any others... i like the ones i have, i just wish they would open up a bit more. tell me how things are going with todd (don't keep referring it as "kim's house" when you go over to his house); tell me things about your classes, your teachers, your classmates, the hot guy at your school, the hot guy at your church because i know you still like him, the people at your work, your feelings about your work, not that "it's ok" or "nothing's new" there has to be something! whether it's you noticed a bruise on your arm, you had a fight with your parents/brother, you bought a new shirt, got a hair cut, vaccummed, did the dishes, anything there's gotta be something.
argh i don't know i'm sick of talking to people.

it's been a long time
today i applied at another job... a nursing home... but i'd be working in the kitchen, or something like that, i'm really not quite sure, but i'll be making more money than i do right now. so hopefully that will work out for me, but i'm not keeping my fingers crossed. other than that, my work now sucks except for some of the people... my boyfriend especially. i love working with him. i love being able to see him for 8 hrs everyday and then after work hang out and see him some more. i can't believe it's almost been 8 months since we first went out. i can't believe i almost missed out on getting to know him as well as i do. i can't believe amy and todd are going out. awwwww :o) ...and patrick was in hong kong for 6 months!!! wow... i dont think i'd really wanna go there... but to just go there by yourself and be there for 6 months... wow. anyways billie might be moving in here, thats another wow all in its self. he'd move in in february and be here for like a year and a half to save money while he finishes school and then him and ros plan on buying a house and getting married. wow. but who knows if this will all happen... moving in here that is... bill and ros will happen for sure... but if he moves in then it'd be easier for me to move out maybe... i dunno... the only thing that matters is seeing something corporate in january. i'm soo looking forward to that weekend. ...i miss my teddy bear... :o(

i miss you
today at work that song came on and all i could think of is you and that day... i couldnt stop my eyes from swelling up with tears. i used to tell you everything, now i have no one who i can really talk to like i could with you.
friday night i had a whole bunch of people over and we had a bonfire/party outside. it was the last night that ash, krystal, and katie were here till they left for colorado/california the next day so it was like a farewell party for them and me i guess before i go to bc in a week. i got soooooo trashed. i was tipsy before the majority of the people got there. ... i'm a cheap drunk... my lack of food and just my general size helped me get drunk quicker... but i don't remember much of anything from that night except for throwing up under the tarp and then amy and ash helping me inside. apparently i threw up again inside sometime guess i woke to a mess. i just hear little random bits from different people telling me about how funny i was, about me going on about how huge their joint was, even tho i dont even remember anyone smoking pot, how i kept falling getting up the hill, and what a great party it was. i had fun tho, even the throwing up part. ...i blame the vodka... i still had the vodka bottle stickers that jeremy put on my arm the next morning... it'd still be fun if you came to one of the bonfires even tho it wouldn't end up in us having sex... but i know it'll never happen anymore :( I wish i lived closer, even tho that wouldnt change anything and you still wouldnt want to just hang out and be non casual sex having friends when i'm going out with mike.