something i've learned today...
two frustrating ppl are never meant to be together...talk later...

packing my life away today
i had a scary dream...joey & lina hired someone to kill me...i woke up very parinoid...*sigh*...this is frustrating me...


***hard to say what caught my attration, fixed & crazy aphid attractionl, carve my name in my face to recognize, such a pheromone cult to terrorize***



...talk later...

damnit stop the pain...why do i feel like this, i should be happy?
it's eating me up alive at this point...i hate to admit it...but damnit it really does hurt...i don't like to be left alone cuz then i think...& it hurts...it really does...i hope i make friends at college cuz i'm afraid to turn suicidal again...& i don't want to scare ppl or make ppl feel sorry for me...ugh...i don't know what i want anymore...i feel sick...talk later...

tonight tonight...
well i got w/ devon tonight...whoopee...& i feel really tired & sick too...not from him...just yeah...*sigh*...talk later...

well then...
ok so it's been a very long time since i've been here...i'm so sorry...i feel like crap now, well only halfways...joey broke up w/ me tonight & i hate it because not only was i halfasleep when he did it but i wasn't paying attention & tried to keep him w/ me...now why? i do not know...i met a guy, his name is devon, & he's 20, which i think is fine, but whatever...i've only known him for bout 4 days & i've wanted to tell him i love him...*oi*...the shit i get myself into...my sister was in jail thrusday night, i found out rene & daniel were caught w/ drugs at school & rene might be sent to like juvie or something like that...i dunno...i can't get my mind off the fact that it really did happen, joey & i aren't together anymore...though i know for a fact i saw it coming...& i can't get devon out of my thoughts...maybe it's too quick, & maybe he's right that it's not quite the right time to get together since i'll be leaving in a week...shit i'm leaving for college in a week...my life is so fucked up...oh well...talk later...

"somehow now you're everybody's fool"

drowning-in-you may explode without warning

M EXPLOSIVE

*urgh*

You Are A Relationship Doormat! Surprise, you ruin relationships. Bet you didn't see that one coming :-) While you're a nice, understanding, and caring girlfriend - you don't put your needs first. And deep down, it's probably because you worry about getting dumped. So speak up for yourself, weed out the losers sooner, and you'll find a guy that *deserves* you. Do You Ruin Relationships? Take This Quiz :-) Find the Love of Your Life (and More Love Quizzes) at Your New Romance.

i'm gonna miss HHS
i've had a bunch of mixed emotions for a while now...i'm going through a rough time i believe because i've only got 3 more days of high school...i'm gonna leave what i've been so close to...i feel like i'm gonna be lost without it...

we went to grad nite thursday...that was kinda coo...it could have been better but i guess it's alrighty...can't change the past...though i know we'd all love to sometime in our lives...but seriously i had fun...i was just way too tired...& i'll never want to listen to the same 5 damn songs that one of dj's were playing...*oi*...

friday i went over to joey's, ran a few errands, found out my truck can go 100mph (believe me, i though the speed governer would kick in at bout 85, so i feel honored), & then went to the band party at the navy base where we bowled...i felt threatened because joey's mom was there & i wasn't sure if she was mad at me for hanging out w/ danny that night...but i'm guessing she wasn't after all...i dunno...so after that the seniors took pictures & we finally realized that that night was our last friday night as high school seniors...that was the first time (in a long time i think) that i saw mark cry...first time i saw jpo emotional...first time i've noticed justin be a true friend & let his feelings out & to know that i'm not the only one who is scared to leave...it was really emotional for everyone...*sigh*...that night joey & i just sat on my truck bed & just kinda talked...it was coo...

saturday i had to go to el cajon to take my placement test for college...it was freaking cold...but then again i'm used to temperatures from 90-110 degrees almost everyday (even in the winter)...i wanted to cry cuz it was so cold...i get cold when it hits 80 sometimes...& trust me it was colder than that...lol...my dad totally thinks i'm weak...lol...oh well...my testing went alrighty, they think i'm a wizz in english & need pre-algebra in math...*oi*...so yeah...i met one of my music professors & he seems like a neat dude...i realized that it's such a small school that they actually have enough time to talk to all of their students...(class size is bout 15 per class)...so yeah it was really neat to know what i'm getting myself into...that's awersome...

sunday was the baccalaureate...it was kinda nerve wrecking but we made it through...afterwards we tried to get all the band seniors to go to dudley's, but of course some people have to be lazy, dumb, & immature bout other things...so it was justin, joey, mark, denisse, mario, jpo, guillermo, and me...we had fun...

today is monday...i graduate thrusday...god it's happening so quickly...i wish i could stay...keep me here...lock me up so i can never have to leave...i just found out that tomorrow is the last day for seniors...shit...you have no idea how much i want to cry right now...i'm gonna miss all my friends...all my enemies...all my teachers...all my surroundings...*sigh*...i don't care what anyone thinks of me right now...i'm losing my comfort space & i want to cry forever about it...i understand that i'll have fun in el cajon & maybe i'll want to stay there, but being in a town like this...i never want to leave...i'm scared...i have no one's hand to hold on this one..."& it's all downhill from here"...sorry i was listening to new found glory today during 4th period...i'm gonna miss everything here...I'M GONNA MISS YOU HOLTVILLE HIGH!!!...

i have seen so many changes here...through ppl, buildings, styles...i've encountered many emotions...i've been through these 4 years here never realizing how good i had it, until now...realizing that i won't have my family & friends to go to when i'm in need...well i can, but not like i can now...i look out the window of my spanish class & realize this is it...THIS IS IT WORLD, I'M GONNA COME TO RULE!!!...but i don't want to be a ruler...i don't want to be a follower...i just want to be the same ol becky alaniz...living in holtville...MY NAME IS BECKY & I LOVE MY TOWN...& I'M NEVER LEAVING...*sigh* i so wish i could stay...i just saw the ag ppl putting out the platforms for graduation...STOP IT!!! PUT THEM DOWN DAMNIT...NO ONE IS LEAVING HERE!!!*whimpers*

i'm gonna miss the many hangouts i had in the school...my band room...my parking space...my classrooms...damn i'm running out of time...god i'm gonna miss everything so much...

i was thinking a few minutes ago that though it may happen, i don't want to leave w/ ppl on bad terms...so to say it right now:

YOU ARE ALL MY EVERYTHING...EVERYONE WHO HAS KNOWN ME, BEEN FRIENDS WITH ME...EVEN JUST NOTICED ME...YOU ALL MEAN SOMETHING TO ME & NEVER FORGET THAT...SURE I CAN GET MAD & SAY I HATE YOU, BUT KNOW THAT YOU'LL ALWAYS BE ON MY MIND IN COLLEGE & I COULD NEVER FORGET ANY ONE OF YOU...

...*silently cries*...

i'm gonna miss HHS...talk later...


"take my hand, LIVE WHILE YOU CAN!" - vanessa carlton's ordinary day

a few things on my mind i guess
well the senior assembly was yesterday & i was in a good mood until ppl had to ruin it for me during 6th period spanish III...it really sucked...& then having to hear things about me...i'm sorry, i know i let it get to me, but i tried for it to not get that far...but you gotta understand, it hurts...especially when you look at it from others' points of views & realize that, "hey, maybe they are right..."...

i heard all the constructive critizism that i could yesterday & i'd love to hear more...yes it'll make things bad for me possibly but i need to know what i did right & wrong...*oi*...

i had a talk w/ someone yesterday & their identity will be hidden...:


(*)says:
dude....becky...you.rocked.my.world....

it never was & never will be
you don't know how you betrayed
me says:
...yeah...i guess..

(*) says:
i.fuckin.didnt.know.you.could..play.
the.fuckin.bass.that.good.but.i.thought.
you.were.great.

it never was & never will be
you don't know how you betrayed
me says:
...yeah...i can't really...but thanks...
i'm just really bummed out cuz i saw
the tape of the show & i felt like shit...
cuz i felt like i was being put down
instead of getting constructive critisism...
so yeah...but thanks really

(*) says:
oh.dude....i.dont.think.i.should.tell.
you.this....but...naw..i.wont..

it never was & never will be
you don't know how you betrayed
me says:
tell me now

(*) says:
naw....its..fucked.up.

it never was & never will be
you don't know how you betrayed
me says:
tell me...i need all i can get

(*)says:
awww.it.could.ruin.a.friend.ship.

it never was & never will be
you don't know how you betrayed
me says:
tell me

(*)says:
alright..alright..well..i.didnt.know.
you.were.playing...so..*sirhc*...the..
suppose..punk.....he.came.in..and.he.
said..you.killed..the.song..and.i.was.
like..what....and.hes.like.the.song.
my.immortal.and.im.like.y.hes.like..
cuz..she.doesnt.sing.it.right...and.
hes.like.she.sings.alright..i.was.like..
ok....but.it.pissed.me.off.i.was.like.
oh.fuck.no.....im.going.to.have.to.
choke.a.bitch.

it never was & never will be
you don't know how you betrayed
me says:
well that's his fucking opinion...&
danny says he can cram it up
his own ass...& his mother's if he
wants to...because becky sings beautifully...yeah that's all danny's
saying by the way on the phone...
i'm not THAT concieted...yet

(*)says:
ya..thats.what.i.thought...i.would.
like.to.see.him.get..his.ass.up.there.
and..sing..haha.i.think.your.a.really.
good.singer........lol.

it never was & never will be
you don't know how you betrayed
me says:
plus he wasn't really my friend in
the first place...& if he was i bet that comment wouldn't have been made

(*) says:
so..ya...hes.a.hoe.

it never was & never will be you
don't know how you betrayed
me says:
lol



you know instead of losing a friend, i think i still have one that i trust alot...thanks (*)...told you i wouldn't reveal your identity... ;) ...

so yeah i'm kinda bummed out bout it & i was gonna write bout it last night, but i figured i needed some time to figure things out...

tonight is grad nite...that's coo...i'm just really tired & i don't think i'll actually care until it comes tonight...

i feel like joey & i are having problems again, & maybe it's just me...i was talking to a friend the other day bout a fight that we had (no this convo wasn't w/ danny by the way)...& he said that in all of my relationships he'd seen me in, he said i put up w/ alot of shit...i've been wondering if that's good or bad...well duh it's bad, but i wonder if me being able to put up with it is good...*hmm*...so yeah i think we're gonna have to talk...not like that i hope...i really hope...


i just want to say...i can't help being sad because i'm leaving all my friends & family behind...i can't help but cry because it's coming soon...i cant' help but think that soon tomorrow will be a day that i will wake up & say, "hey where did everyone go?"...i'm sorry that i've been bummed out but it's a scary thought for me really...to leave all that i've been w/ & been used to...my only excuse i can give is that i can't accept change very well...but that never seemed like a good enough reason...so be it...

cuz if you don't understand it...then how could you possibly understand me?...

talk later...

so yeah
i'm in mac's class...once again, tell me what's new...

last night was the spring concert, the last one for us seniors...*oi*...& I PLAYED MY SOLO CORRECTLY!!!*yeeehaww*...so yeah that was coo...kinda bummed out now that it's gonna be over, but it as good while it lasted...every minute of it...

we (the band seniors) went to millies last night, so that was coo...i had fun...*sigh*...i thought to myself as we were eating last night how that would be one of the few last times we'd all get together like that...*oi*...

joey & i have been having a few fights a bit more than usual, & i accept the fact that most of it is my fault...i wanted to tell him today that i just feel useless & maybe if i'm not going so much along w/ him that maybe he doesn't need me anymore...but i decided how selfish that would sound...i've just been extremely frustrated & stressed...& it's hard for me to get over things & let them flow...*sigh*...i'm not sure how to usually handle that but i'm trying...& i hope joey knows that...i kinda got chewed out by him, which i was fine w/, i needed the lecture...but i just wanted to cry, yet i knew crying would not only not help the problem, but cause him to get frustrated w/ me even more...i just need this week to be over & i should be better, i'm hoping...

i can't help but worry the fact that i'm graduating & i've only got a couple weeks left...i'm getting scared & the closer we get to it, the more alone i feel...*sigh*...

...talk later...



oh...a cute thing joey did say to me last night when we were kinda arguing was "i guess i'm the screw that keeps you together..."...


& he is :)

they think i'm good?!...i still can't believe that...
well yeah i haven't been around much, i got frustrated a bit too much with my period this week, so i figured i needed to rest...we found out that we can't play at the senior assembly because not all of us are seniors, so joey & i are gonna do a song hopefully...that's coo...

the senior picnic is tomorrow so that'll be kickass...*yay*...then the downer is the concert...*oi*...oh well...

i'm kinda tired & need to get an interview done for my govt class right now...talk later...

damn i blushed today from someone i usually don't like to talk to...isn't that crazy?...damn, they think i'm good?!?...um...OK :D...

so i freaked...*oi*
well the day was great...it just kinda went a bit down at the end of the night...

i started my period there at joey's house so that sucked...then i got emotional...& freaked out...

i was so gung-ho bout being w/ him & stuff from prom, but i flipped...i got scared of what could happen...

i explained to him that i'm very afraid of things like for instance marriage...in my family alone, i witnessed bout 3 divorces & known of 2 or 3 others very close to me...it's not cool...i freaked out on that...& also it came back to missing amber...

i'm getting tired, so long story short...joey held me close while i cried at the park & assured me that things will be great for us...& for once, i put my trust in that knowing he is right....

i love you joel...happy one year anniversary sweetie... :D

...talk later...

damn those sesame street kids on pot :D
so yeah my day has been going pretty good today...i'm kinda worried bout spanish cuz i haven't finished my part of the project & we wanted to be done by wednesday or thursday...it's due friday...*oi*...

joey & i are planning on getting dinner and renting a movie tonight since we've seen most everything out right now or we don't want to see some of them...so that's coo...

a lot of ppl are worried bout my ex, but then again, he's my ex...i know i shouldn't really care, but i just don't want him to do something incredably stupid to himself or to anyone else...i'm sorry to say, but it's his fault he's kept a memory that he made fade away...

denisse is playing bullshit w/ some guys in class...& damn she looks so cute ;) ...not trying to hit on you...(it just happens naturally)...

well i'm kinda bored so i'm out...talk later...

*yay*
today is the day, our 1 year anniversary...

i thought about it last night that i didn't think then that it would last this long...but it has...

& i plan to keep it going...

i love you joel!

...talk later...

in mac's class...damnit what's new?
so yeah i got bored here right now since we have a sub...i've been up and down today so i'm not sure what's up with me...i'm hoping it's either cuz my period will start or i'm just extremely nervous & stressed bout prom which is tomorrow night...*oi*...

joey is going to my track meet today *yay*...even though i only have one race, i'll be in a better mood cuz i'll have seen him...

i'm gonna try out my dress & cape today after school...it's gonna rock!

i'm planning on dying megan's hair too today...that'll be neato...my hair isn't gonna get done til tomorrow after i take denisse & lina to calexico...that'll be ok i guess...

i've gotten frustrated today & i'm usually at the point now of crying...*ugh*...

talk later...

damn i need to pee...i wonder... :S

so i'm in mac's class...yes i know, again...
so yeah prom is only 3 days away, & i'm starting to get nervous...not so much for myself, but for like others, you know like they aren't gonna get ready in time...i don't think joey got the corsage & i'm gonna be pist...*oi*...anywho...

the day is gonna come & it's gonna be amazing...

i heard someone a week ago say something very cute...
"i'm gonna marry my crush"
how many people really can say that?...hmm...

i'll be back on later i guess...oh yeah my computer at home is fking up again so maybe i won't be back later...we'll see how it goes...i've got IVLs tonight so it'd be late anyways (that never stopped me though)...

i'm getting my green hair!...ok i'm done freaking out now...

talk later...

i'm gonna be like this for the rest of the year, crying that it's almost over...
well i had the spaghetti dinner last night & the concert there sucked...we ate it so bad, our band deserves to get shot in the arms...lol...i don't think macon was very happy w/ us, but then again lately we haven't been with him so the feelings are mutual...

i went to see mean girls later last night, & damn i guess that's how ppl percieve women...bitches...damn, we're vicious, but that's coo i guess...it works for us :) ...i saw david munoz there w/ his fiance & damn it was good to see him...i was thinking bout him earlier that day cuz denisse, rosa, & i were looking through my 7th grade year book to show rosa who a girl in my class looked like...damn...

i'm not ready to leave yet..."i've got to breath, i can't keep going under..."...so yeah

i'm waiting for my dad to get back from work cuz i need to get all my prom accesories from flames & price center today...i'd rather do it tomorrow now, but better sooner cuz then i'll just whimp out & say "i'm tired i'll do it later" & it'll never get done...lol...story of my life...

my journal is saved bitches...talk later...

an emotional day...
well to make a long post short, i cried bout 7 times at the track meet cuz this was my last real meet before IVLs...*sigh*...

do you think of returning...how's the world treating you?...

like shit...talk later...

i swear if joey calls me tonight i'm gonna kick him in the gouch tomorrow...lol...

i was afraid to sleep lastnight, but it was all good; no freaky-ass dreams today...
my day yesterday was kinda hectic, & i think it's because of that stupid dream from yesterday...i got so freaked out by it that i was shaking when i got to school & started to cry a bit...*oi*...

so i guess i was holding something agains joey which i specifically avioided cuz i don't like getting in fights with him...though some ppl at our table were kinda trying to get us to stop (which i really appriciated really), i just couldn't let him accuse me of doing things that i didn't do & yelling at me for it...so yeah i wasn't a very happy camper the whole day...

i went to applebee's w/ joey, kile, matt (his cousin), lina, ben, and brittney...it was...different...lol...then we went to toys*r*us & played a round of hide-and-seek...i didn't get caught :) ...then i went to joey's then home...

i will admit i was online last night...for bout 20 mins...then i shut everything & got off the phone by 10:30 i believe...joey called me lastnight at @ 11:30 & leaves a message cuz i didn't get the phone in time...then i called him back, & he's all "oh you were asleep, i called cuz i figured you'd be on the computer and i was gonna tell you to get off"...sorry, but ASSHOLE!...

i'm starting to think that he believes that this is worse than when i smoked...*oi*...this won't kill me, just make me tired...but then again i have other things to blame that one on...

*oi* i'm gonna get ready now, i've got a track meet later tonight...talk later...

there were some good tests...then there was a bad dream...
you are extremely attached to him. he seems to be
fond of you too! thats great!


The First Meeting (Lestat series)
brought to you by Quizilla
Lestat loves you and will never leave you. now you
gotta save the world great huh?


Memories (Lestat Series) #2
brought to you by Quizilla


Wow......You really know your're evanescence!I bet
you have the cd and no matter how many times
you listen to it.......You never get tired of
it! Rock On!


Evanessence Lyrics..........Fallen
brought to you by Quizilla
well no shit huh?...lol...

You're totally addicted! By the results of this
quiz, you're probably chalk white, and allergic
to the sun and fresh air!


Are you Addicted to the Internet?
brought to you by Quizilla
actually that sounds like joey's discription, & he's never onine...lol...

woah, he is like so totally the one he undertsands
you loves you for who you are and everyhting
you must feel pretty lucky :)


Is He the One?
brought to you by Quizilla
awww...


hardcore gothdoll


what GothDoll pic r u? (girlz)
brought to you by Quizilla


i had the wierdest dream...(by the way all the tests were done when i last wrote but i fell asleep finally)...

i had a dream that..i was at joey's house, but it was like 3 stories high...(creepy for me cuz i'm afraid of heights)...& i was there w/ my computer i guess & it wouldn't shut off, instead it would just play music videos...then i look at my old cell phone & it's doing the same damn thing...& i'm thinking *damn my dad is gonna kill me cuz i'll waste money on this shit*...so then i figure shut off both the things & we'll be fine...but they wouldn't shut off that was the problem...then the tv did the same thing...& now i'm starting to freak out...& i guess it was round time for rosa's wedding & we're supposed to have like a lunch thing so i'm really stressed out...then nana poured what she thought was diet coke but it was really root beer, so she started to complain that "it's not my damn soda"...so i went to trade her & she tipped it over & spilt it all over rosa's mother-in-law so i got pist & left, then i heard them saying "i'm sorry bout that, & i apoligize for her"...that made me mad...then i felt like there was a meet so i went to the parking lot of big john's to get picked up i guess by the team early in the morning & there was a swingset there so i was there...then i saw the strong's but they didnt' say anything to me bout a meet & just left me there...so i figured i'd get back home & *poof* there was my trucky trucky...so i get in & on my dash board i see music videos just like on my computer & cell phone...so i went to joey's quickly cuz i'm freaking out...then i get there & it seems like he doesn't care so i'm like fuck it i'll just kick it here...& i guess his house was across from the middle school cuz it was there & next door they were working on a new house i guess...well my phone started ringing & annoying me so i was gonna throw it but then i realized that there was a suction cup thingy on it...& then i looked on my computer & realized that the same thing was on my trucky trucky...& i dunno how i figured, but it was a bomb...FK!....so i'm freaking out & telling joey & lorenzo was there all of a sudden & so was chavez...so then they didnt' do anything so i freaked & said fk it, went to school, where i saw the same thing happening to me to everyone else, but it was normal...so i called danny & told him the situation & he said he'd meet me at the band room & before i got there i had a bad feeling that the band room would look different...so i go in his car & as we're pulling up i started to tell him bout the band room thing & right when we park i notice that it looks how i unfortunetly imagined (i dunno why it was bad though)...then i was gonna get a drink of water in the band room & some ppl were around the boys bathroom....so i look & i dunno what i saw or anything but next thing i know i'm in cox's class as a student & he got upset w/ my presence so he sends me out & he was fking red as hell he looked so mad, so i went back to the band room & macon was kinda mad i guess i didn't stay long enough to find out...i had danny take me to joey's & we went up & joey was just *eh* whatever, & all of a sudden joey was asking if i wanted to do it & i was mad cuz i wanted to get to the bottom of this...so he spreads out & starts beating it...but scarey as hell danny does the same thing...but he's kinda laying near him!...so i left & i hear them like they're going at it...& when i was walking out to the hallway i noticed joey's dad walking towards the door...& i wanted to stall him but then i decided that if they weren't helping me, they'd get what they deserve...& when he went in i saw adrian walk out looking ashamed...then danny came out putting his t-shirt back on talking to joey...that's when i found out that the suction cups from earlier were like bombs from the construction workers working next door so i went to save mine off my truck but i ended up walking on the street to find that one of the girls who's pregnant at school was gonna be in labor...then joey made fun of her so i hit him & ran up to his house to get rid of all those bombs...i'm halfways successful then i guess the window was open & the workers saw what i was doing so they had more put in by little robot like things...so i was having tony, darryl, frankie, danny, & joey trying to help me get rid of these things...frankie & darryl wanted to help but somehow died or something...joey & danny...i'm not sure & i don't think i want to know...& tony was just watching me as i was trying to save everyone & when i got one away but not far away enough he kicked it back into the house & locked the window from the outside...as far as i know, i think we all died...

i was so scared i couldn't go back to sleep...shit...

*ugh* i've got the chills now & i'm not gonna be comfortable at school today...talk later...

damn these sneezes of mine...
it's really early in the morning right now...i woke up round 2:45 cuz i wasn't feeling too good, i think it was just really hot here...i'm kinda thinking that my $2 won't get here in time so this might be one of my last posts on here, it saddens me really...i'm gonna send it today & have danny like send it first class or something like that...i told him i was waiting for denisse's money but i'm just gonna give him a $10 cuz i was gonna pay my old one & another friends', so i'll add hers & they can pay me back...i should've done that a long time ago, but i've been so busy...which is why i'm mad at myself for being online right now, but i can't get back to sleep, at least for a while...

track has been ok, no new conflict with elyse, *thank god*...i think we only have 3 more track meets to go...

i found out that there is 25 days left of school... :'( ...i'm not ready to go yet...actually i don't think i will ever be...
when i'd thought bout graduating when i was younger a song always stuck out in my head...& it's very sad, but i would suggest checking out the lyrics to Patty Loveless' "how can i help you to say goodbye"...*sigh*...

joey & i are good, i just realized we have to talk bout what we're doing as far as that little ring on my finger...he said he'd wanted to do an "unlegal" (not ilegal, un-legal) wedding thingy at prom, which would be coo...it would be unlegal cuz we're both underage but we'd get it done after a few years in college, as long as we can keep it going then...i have hope for it though...

damn why did i have to wake up so early?...i'm gonna be so tired at school...*ugh*...i think it's time for me to go...actually all i'll do is just download music & take some tests...lol...

for now g'night...or g'mornin'?...either way, talk later...

oh yeah, happy cinco de mayo...*ay ay ay*...

TRYING TO DO MY DAMN TERM PAPER!

You Should Experiment A Little

Could you be a lesbian? It's pretty difficult to say.

You have a small attraction and interest in women - and that's worth exploring.

Don't fly your pride flag yet, but do find a few cool lesbian or bi girls to hang with.

Over time you'll figure out what - and who - gets your head spinning.



Should You Go Lesbian?

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