i'm in so much pain right now...
so the track meet was coo...i enjoyed the hanging out time more than the meet itself...

we went to wings&things in el cajon & some lady thought that me & danny were bf & gf...it was wierd to hear...after such a long time at least...we both laughed though so that was coo...no hard feelings...

my back hurts today...& i'm hungry & tired...*oi*...so yeah i'll talk later...

so i'm off to the dance..&...
i'm so alone again...

so today, eh?
so i'm in mac's class right now...with like 5 mins left so i'ma try to make this one quick...

ewwwie...that sounded so wrong...

:D but so right ;)


anywho, i'm going to the dance tonight...my "dates" will be danny & denisse...we're even gonna match, all 3 of us!...isn't that fking exciting?!...

yeah i didn't think so...lol...but it's something to do on a friday night...

i don't think i have anything planned for the weekend...i have no clue if i'm going to the track meet tomorrow because of the lack of transportational needs from the district...bastards...

other than that i think i'm coo...denisse call me & let me know if you're feeling better...a few ppl were worried bout ya...including me...

that should be it for now...i'll be out & about today so if anyone really needs me call me on my cell...talk later...

in short...
we're not so sure yet bout being possibly kicked off our show yet...

don't know if i'm going to escondido for track cuz of the lack of room...

................................................

joey isn't going to the dance cuz he's gotta go to sd tomorrow...*sigh*...

i did a MAJOR curb check @ jack-in-the-box...lol...

i still don't want to go to college...

someone dear is gonna tie the knot in early july...not sure if i should say who yet...but it's coo, i'm happy...

watching storyboards from the crow, is really really increadably funny...when there is no sound... :D ...

& my dad thinks brandon lee is hot...so do i of course...damn the competition...lol...

well i think that's all...denisse, if i forgot anything please comment...love ya'll...talk later...

& so i have to say before i go that i just want you to know...
damn that is such a neat song...anywho...

track was ok...i'm really trying hard to keep myself to stay in...i'm running with a bunch of hypocrites & what kinda sucks is when i thought i would be surounded by friends, i only have danny to talk to... :( ...& my senior year too...damn...

i flipped out cuz ppl made me mad...i'm never gonna be so sure who's talking shit bout me...*sigh*...i cried on the way home...so did danny...but this is my journal & i'm gonna be selfish & care bout me today...

just stuff i cried bout...mostly college...*sigh*...i'm not ready...

well i better get going...talk later...

crappy night...& what was up with that truck last night joey?
well track was ok yesterday...i got really lightheaded cuz i guess i'm not breathing right or something...*oi*...

danny bailed on us lastmin. ...which sorry danny, i expected it to happen...so anyone round town who is 18, please call, we will need you...

actually it scares me, i'm not so sure we're having a show in a month...we had to train some beeyatches...whatever...i don't know & don't care for them...but i just kinda felt out of place yesterday & very uncomfortable...damn you carlos...lol...they say they're gonna work on tuesdays from 6-8...wait...I WORK ON TUESDAYS FROM 6-8!!!...WTF?!...*oi*...

we went to big lots to get headphones & we saw allie...damn i can't remember her last name anymore...it was different to have seen her...hmm...see...i'm still in the valley but i miss out on old friends...which is exactly why i don't want to go off to college...*ugh*...

"i have to say before i go...that i just want you to know...i found a reason for me...to change who i used to be...a reason to start over new...& the reason is you..."

i've got a track meet today...wish me luck...talk later...

*YAY* i ditched 6th!... :D
so yeah like the subject says...

band sucked ass, but the french horn dude was HOTT!!!...his name was matthew :D ...too bad i didn't ask for a #!...so anywho...

lina danny & michelle are over right now listening to some tunes...come to think of it, i've never really ever used that expression..."tunes"...whatever...so yeah we're here haging out in my room...thats' coo...better than having to listen to fucking massey...whatever...

i'm kinda having a bad feeling bout tonight...the radio show...*oi*...i just hope i don't put ppl in bad situations...this is a bad situation already though...lol...

"it never was & never will be you don't know how you betrayed me, & somehow you've got everybody fooled..."

yeah i'm listening to that again today...

"i know the truth now, i know who you are, & i don't love you anymore..."

those are the harshest words amy lee has sang so far...

but for my life, it's the truth ain't it?!...talk later...

i need to keep up in this thing...
well things are going ok at school...just still kinda freaking out bout college...but i have no choice at this point, so i'm trying really hard to get over it...

i'm going to brawley during school with the band so we can watch the marine band..."the president's own"...ok mr. macon, calm the fk down...lol...so that'll keep me somewhat entertained all day...

well nothing has really happened...i'm gonna have to get ready for school...talk later...

so i'm back again, to check up w/ ya'll...
well i just wanted to let ppl know i'm fine...i didn't "do anything stupid" as most ppl have asked...joey & i are better...

so nothing really new happened today...went to hot topic in sd & hung out w/ joey & his family...so that was awersome...

i got to see jake, my ex...i was disapointed truely...i hate the way he is...& maybe he stayed the same & now i'm realizing what a mistake that one was...*oi*...i'm so glad that is over...& will never resurect...

thank you joey for droping me off tonight... :D ...

i love you honey...talk later...


EVERYONE, I'M OK!

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My fairy name is Honeysuckle Sneaky Berry.
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heh heh...
silly rabbit, scissors are for psychos...

lookie me i'm loony!!!

take my life away from me & never return it

Loss Of Pain

let the wind carry my tears away
for i have sinned again today
i want it dead & far away
& for the memory to leave

i sat in the cold wishing to die
another dumb act, another selfish lie
all just to leave me here to cry
& regret being who i am today

not one apology to erase this from me
not one gift to offer in bribery
not one wish, dream, or fantasy
could change my life like it did today

but i am sorry for changing my mind
i'm stupid enought to still be blind
to know what i would leave behind
for a moment of stupidity

so kill me, stone me, hang me while i'm here
tell him i truley loved him dear
as i hold this gun beside my ear
& let the wind carry my tears away

kill me, seriously
i just want to say that i had a feeling last night would turn out the way it did...

*ugh*

i feel stupid...wrong...blonde (no offense to those, just the stereotypical ones)...just a fucking loser...

i've been alone since last night after he left...yes ppl were with me while i was hurting myself & crying & coughing...ppl were there yes...but...

"i've been alone all along"...(evanescence - my immortal)

i really knew i'd needed him there, & he left when i needed him the most...but it's my fault anyways...

i'll be lucky if i see him today, i bet he's so mad @ me right now & i have a bad feeling that there's nothing i can do, but as always suggestions are open...

i'm gonna put myself in my personal hell until someone cares & checks up on me...which i have a feeling i'll be here til monday & even then...

tears, blood, pain, grief...that's my hell for today..."these wounds won't seem to heal, this pain is just too real, there's just too much that time cannot erase..."...

yeah these wounds aren't going to heal...the pain IS pretty real...time can't erase what a fucked up on lastnight...

i'm sorry joey, i'm so fucking sorry... :'(
& if you can't believe me maybe physical proof should be available after i spend the day alone with myself...

so today was a day right?
well today was kinda emotional for me...i started my period...

need i say more?...lol...

so anywho, i was really, & still have been actually, frustrated with because of a certain road they are taking...*sigh* :( ...

off the subject, i guess today was an ok day...i've been very helpful to ppl all of a sudden...i hung out with justin & jorge after school...(that rocked by the way)...& i gave them a ride home...i dunno i just feel important again...was i to begin with?...hmm...

danny called earlier when i was on my way home to tell me he got into UCDavis...*yay*...yeah it's in sacramento... :S ...so...

denisse is still waiting for hers...i'm really hoping she gets it now... :D ...

i'm kinda looking forward to tony's party, but i have a feeling all of a sudden i shouldn't go...he told me NO FIGHTS...*oi*...if it's not danny, it'll be joy, or if not, for some strange reason it'll be joey...*oi oi oi*...we'll see what happens...

well wish me luck...damnit it's fking hot...oh well...talk later...

...*ugh*...
i have been just really frustrated today in school, & even outside...i'm thinking of going into calexico tonight, why i do not know...i guess ec is just a bit boring to me now, & brawley doesn't have much for me to do...maybe if the price center is open i'll get those shoes...or i can just experience mexican life...i dunno...i'm thinking of taking denisse...i wanted to take danny, but my parents are gonna be out too, so i don't want to have to deal with that one...maybe i'll take mark too, but i dunno...i'm not even sure i should be going out...i'm just frustrated...

what am i gonna do when i get there?...lol...i just need to get out i know that much...*oi*...i can't think right now talk later...

today will be great, i say!!!
well i'm back again, hopefully i'll be around more to write in...i feel bad not doing so...anywho...

HAPPY ST. PATRICK'S DAY!!!...the day of the wee little ppl...lol...*yay for me*...

track is going ok i guess...now my knee has been hurting but i'll get over it...not much fights, though i am slightly holding grudges over those ppl...*OI*...

school is ok...my spanish teacher thinks i'm suicidal...*yay*...just because for my "utopia" i want the world to be the same as it is right now...so she thinks i'm loony & need help...oh well...i'm still not going to do the assignment...i should've gotten out of the class...

work...it's a good thing...lol...

HAPPY 10 MONTHS TO ME & JOEL...I LOVE YOU HONEY!!!...*yay*...

oh that reminds me...i was told prom was May 15...that's kickass considering joey & i got together on the 17th of May...neato...mark already has figured out how i want my dress...damn, i should start now...trial & error...

well i better get going, so i'm not late & my dad doesn't yell at me...*ugh*...talk later...

again, neglected...
well i've been out again for a while...sorry bout that...not much has happened this time around...

i've been sick for a while...since thrusday i believe...i'm getting a bit better though...i hope...

the track meet on sat. went ok...not that mad, kinda had fun...it was normal i guess...

went to tony's get together after the track meet...that could've been 20 times better...i hate it when i have issues w/ other ppl...i can't stand joy much more cuz she hates it when i talk to danny...& i hate to go on danny's side for once but he doesn't like her...much as i really don't want him to like me anymore, i can't stop him from that...*ugh*...

well other than that, i think things are okiedokie...i'm gonna be late so i'll talk later....

ok the real reason i've neglected you...
well the track meet was ok i guess...i'm just gonna pull through it & hope to goodness it ends soon, cuz last night was hell & i'm not sure that i can stand some of my teammates much longer...& it sux to be like that...but you know that it sux when after you ran a good race you cry cuz you think your team hates you... :S ...yeah that was me...

i've been very stressed lately & that's why i've been neglecting to keep everyone updated on my life right now...i don't have time to sleep, do my homework, clean my room, do my laundry...barely enough time to eat (not much though) & take a shower for school...(shit i need to do that soon or i'll be late...lol...)...so i guess that's why i broke down last night...

i've been really frustrated w/ joey lately, & i want to get over it so bad...i've been debating whether or not i should write down what happened...but damnit, it's my journal...i do what i want...lol...

i dunno i just didn't feel like i enjoyed myself tuesday...& i was really hungry & i told him i wanted to go home, & we didn't...but i can understand now that maybe he didn't hear me when i said it...then yeah...then he dropped me off to band & well...didn't quite pick me up...so yeah & then i had to try to save his butt from getting into trouble w/ his dad (which unfortunetly he didn't avoid)...so now because of a few lies to his dad & the rest of the night coming down he's in trouble...we can't go & hang out anymore...no more radio station for him...(damn i'm gonna need a ride :( ...)...so yeah that really sux...& with what i went through yesterday i sure could've needed him there...

the track meet was fine until i started to take offense to things that i need to get over...i knew that "jossy" has had the longest crush on "jason" & it's been bugging me...i can't stand the fact that everyone thinks i'm trying to hit on jason & shit...i know that we had a history, but jeez...
i was really pist because of that whole thing...& for some reason, i had a friendly case of jealousy...but w/ friends, i just don't want to see them get hurt...although sometimes i think he should...lol jk...anywho...well also while we were stretching, my teammate said that my henna tats were really ugly, esp the one joey made...& she had no remorse of saying it...so that made me a little ticked...then i was mad cuz someone had told jason to fucking get over me & that i'm doing this to him purposely...

you know what i just realized, why am i using code names if i know for a fact that most of you who know my problems know who i'm talking bout?...*oi*...whatever...

so yeah after my race i cried cuz i hate ppl who think that i'm trying to hurt him...WE'RE JUST FRIENDS...it sux...& i can't take much of it anymore...i think i'm gonna blow up in front of that girl though...that's why i'm afraid of talking to her...*ugh*...what can i do now?...

damn hoochies...

well i need to get going...i'm sorry if i've worried anyone since i haven't written in here...talk later..

good morning to you, i guess...
well i was starting to write in lastnight but i was really extremely upset...& the thing wouldn't work for a while so i said fuck it...*ugh*...i just kinda had a bad night & wish not to discuss it right now...

well today is the track meet...vs. calexico & i think vincent or i can't remember...i'm kinda excited...i think i'm gonna suck though cuz i've missed like 3 practices already... :( ...oh well...

i've been getting kinda sick i've noticed...i think joey gave it to me... :@ ...

i'm kinda liking this song from usher: yeah!...i dunno why though, i think it's the beat or something...lol...whatever...

i've been falling behind in my school work...couldn't do anything bout that last night though :( ...

well i'm out of things to say right now...i'ma go take a shower & listen to evanescence or whatever tickles my fancy @ this point...lol...talk later...& wish me luck...

festival...
well i'm gonna be late for practice but i don't care much right now...just really tired (as usual)...i was waiting for some songs to download but it's too long so fk it...anywho...festival is this friday, & to be honest i'm not sure what to expect...i just have a feeling we're gonna let mr. macon down & think we did well... :S ...*oi*...so yeah i'm not so confident i guess you could say...it'll be over soon...

gonna have to go...talk later...

fuck this shit...
i'm frustrated w/ her...she makes it seem like it's my fault we have friendship...she makes me want to hit her honestly, & i won't do it...i know that's what everyone else wants...but it doesn't matter...i'll lose nothing & i'll gain nothing if that happened...it doesn't mean anything to me...i just wish she'd leave me alone...stop giving me those damn dirty looks...i wish she'd focus on her "goal" & get the fk out of my life saying that i'm taking things away from her...what is she thinking anyways?...she was the one saying that she'd never like him...that he wasn't good for me, but still supported the relationship...WHAT THE FUCK IS UP W/ THAT BITCH?!...i just can't stand to be in this shit...& i wish she never told me...i swear if anything happens & she hurts him i'll fuck her up...& vice versa...GOD!...i just can't stand it anymore...

*grr*...talk later...

ps...shhh...no one say anything bout this...you know who you are...cuz i'll hurt you too...i'm serious... :@

every feeling that i get, but i haven't missed you yet...
well yeah i've been in love w/ that song this week..."i hate everything about you" by three days grace...*yay*...

so i changed myself some...i'm pretty goth now...it's coo...whatever...

i've been going to the fair everyday now that it's starting to make me sick...*oi*...ni modo...

i found out i have to pretty much stop hanging out w/ someone cuz it's bothering other ppl...whatever...i hang w/ who i want...but then again, i don't care anymore i guess...

"i hate everything about you, why do i love you?"...

i wonder why?...talk later...

i've been gone a bit huh?
just want to let ppl know i'm ok...just don't feel like writing here...i've been tired...from track to fair, from home to work...*oi*...i need sleep...

so yeah i'll do that in school...lol...talk later...