take a breath and come to life...


Em0tional Rant.


i really hate most of the people at west boca high. i also hate the fucking people in palm beach county that built that fucking school. i also hate the fact that florida is idiotic and has school "boundaries".

^all my teachers and my parents all told me that going to the "new school" was a great opportunity and would fun. i even believed it for awhile. looked forward to school starting. yeah. they are a bunch of fucking liars. due to the "new Better school" i lost a bunch of my friends. i really cant stand about 96% of the people at west boca. 388 juniors total. thats so fucking gay. and so much is happening with my olypmic crew and im missing out on it all. its like were practically not friends anymore since we hardly see eachother.

its bad enough that i had to change schools in 7th grade. then change again in 9th and then a third time in 11th. jesus christ. i jus wish i could have either stayed in wisconsin and continued school with all of them or at least have been put in a public school when we moved here so that at least in 9th grade i wulda known ppl. i make a few incredible friends at olympic and i get fucking seperated from them. even if we hang out on the weekends, its never gunna be the same. i hate it. i even miss mr. levin. lol.

i hate this. for sum reason its been making me realy upset lately. maybe its becuz of people i think are my friends saying that im annoyin or they dont like me or shit. i never asked to go here. i dont want to be friends with these people. i hate them. i truly do. i mean i have friends, most of them i wouldnt tech. consider them my "friends". i have a few really good/best friends but the rest of the ppl i barely know and i talk to maybe only in the class that i have with them.

i want to walk to geometry with kyrie and dilan then run downstairs when the minute bell rings. i want to walk/run to levins class with dilan and kyrie and sneak to the back with bryan and them. i miss mr. levin making fun of dilan. i want to be the last ones outta the locker hallway at lunch time because we have to wait for mara and jordana and jack. i wanna walk to MY soda machine and get my dr. pepper and then walk to the cafeteria and sit with some of my most favorite people in the world. i want to go to the bathroom at exactly 11:45 everyday. i even want jack to make fun of me and my freshmen friends. i want to drool over seth and his nice ass with kyrie and dilan. i wanna walk to the cafeteria every morning and see everyone. i miss talking to jessica, dilan, kyrie, mara, carolyn, and everyone in the morning. i even miss dilan having to leave us for her spanish boyfriend jose. i miss bryan calling him jorge. i miss mr. levin and his dog and his pink shirts. i even miss the obnoxious way he blew his nose and stuck the handkerchief back in his pocket. i miss mostly walking to biology with jack and sumtimes mara and standing at "the line". i miss our pig. i miss walking to p.e. and being late and having to sprint thru the masses of freshman with dilan. i miss playing basketball with luci. i especially miss angelica. her and our walks, boys, and stupid jokes. i miss us trying to play basketball withh joey andrew and eric. i reallly miss standing outside after school at our little "bump". i miss bryan calling me cadillac. i miss scott alarcon. i miss having to meet him after school and dragging him to my locker. i miss our lil talks and him calling me blonde. for god sakes i even miss daniel bickel!! i miss johnny nonni and life management class. i miss having a locker next to carolyn. i miss her and her random outbreaks of noise and spasms. i especially miss walking to dilans house and then to mama's pizza on half days. i miss dilan, kyrie, jack, carolyn, mara, bryan, and angelica mostly. i miss the drama. i miss the fun. i miss the people and i miss all the love. i've never met more awesome people in my entire life and now they have been taken away from me. i'd do anything to go back to last year. why didnt i try and join yearbook so i coulda stayed?? i want nothing more in the entire world than to graduate with them. but now, thats impossible...

god damnit. im crying again. i cried randomly last night about this on the phone to max too. whateverrr. im leaving. sorry if i sound unappreciative to all my "real" friends at west boca which is like what?....mayb 5 people and sum dont even read this. so yeah whatever.

9 _* | ...[Ryan

but its only me and i walk alone...


today was an ltm. so went to school and hung out with sam and luke. i think he thinks im weird...but then again, who doesnt. whateverrr. enviro we read about blue crabs. eng took massive quick notes. psych talked to george matt and desiree. span went over quiz. i got a fucking 85 when i knew the EXACT questions that were gunna be on the quiz. god im such a fucking idiot. hist took notes and once again i fell aslepp, gahhh. alg did stuff i get it. chem i get it too! and we took a quiz that i got like 100 on and everyone else failed ahahaha!! after school went home then was supposed to go to max's but i didnt. me and nicole walked around for a while and we saw mr. mitch in the car and he looked at us. ahhh! <33 hahahahahaha. then got niki and said hi to camila and saw mike. then went home. omggg im so happy that im taking tha ASVAB test tomorrow so i dont have to go to english or spanish. thank god.

+11+ <333

2 _* | ...[Ryan

how could you that behind these eyes, a sad girl cries?


i am in a hoRRIble mood right now. im gunna cry any second...


dont talk to me.

3 _* | ...[Ryan

sometimes i wish someone would find me...

1 _* | ...[Ryan

i walk a lonely road
"Boulevard Of Broken Dreams"

I walk a lonely road
The only one that I have ever known
Don't know where it goes
But it's home to me and I walk alone

I walk this empty street
On the Boulevard of broken dreams
Where the city sleeps
And I'm the only one and I walk alone

I walk alone
I walk alone
I walk alone
I walk a...

My shadows the only one that walks beside me
My shallow hearts the only thing that's beating
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me
Till then I walk alone

Ah-Ah Ah-Ah Ah-Ah Ahhh-Ah
Ah-Ah Ah-Ah Ah-Ah

I'm walking down the line
That divides me somewhere in my mind
On the border line of the edge
And where I walk alone

Read between the lines
What's fucked up and everythings all right
Check my vital signs to know I'm still alive
And I walk alone

I walk alone
I walk alone
I walk alone
I walk a...

My shadows the only one that walks beside me
My shallow hearts the only thing that's beating
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me
Till then I walk alone

Ah-Ah Ah-Ah Ah-Ah Ahhh-Ah
Ah-Ah Ah-Ah I walk alone, I walk a...

I walk this empty street
On the Boulevard of broken dreams
Where the city sleeps
And I'm the only one and I walk a..

My shadows the only one that walks beside me
My shallow hearts the only thing that's beating
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me
Till then I walk alone!


<33

2 _* | ...[Ryan

i couldn't help her, i just watched her make the same mistakes again...


gah im so tired. i did most of my hw, half-assed tho. god im doing so horrible this quarter. im so busy the next couple of weeks ill be lucky if im alive for christmas..im bored tho and continuing to procrastinate. i HAVE to read the sound and the fury today. i jus cant get into the mood. :/ anyways, suzi and carlos are coming over for thanksgiving dinner today hahaha. yeah. i know its weird. its also my grandma's birthday today. so yeah. but i must go read now...gahhh.

-later lovers-

<33-janelle

7 _* | ...[Ryan

i dont wanna be anything other that what ive been trying to be lately...


yesterday me and camila took the bus to the mall. well we had to sprint to catch it. it was funny. got there met up with allison sam and seth. me and camila sat on santas lap. i dont really like him anymore. lol. then we met up with jaryd and his friend chris. then like we got split up so i took the bus home with jaryd and chris. then went to jaryds house and his mommy took us to the movies. we decided not to see a movie. so jus hung out with jaryd chris camila sam scott anthony ...i think thats it. we crossed the street and went to toys r us. people were being completely gay, but what else is new, so me and camila left and we ran into max. then me and her ran across the street and ate mcdonalds. then everyone followed us...grrr...and ooh yeah! saw alex(grandma fetish) at mcdonalds. we ate then hung out and camila left so i jus chilled with chris and sam. then went home. talked on the phone and went to sleep. so yeah yesterday was uber gayness. and im not really ddoing anything today so yeah. bye.

-later losers-

<33-janelle

2 _* | ...[Ryan

where would i be....


haha yesterday was...unique. went to bed really late and chris called and woke me up to tell me that ryan cabrera was gunna be in the macys thanksgiving day parade. thankss!!! <3. so i watched that then got ready and drove my family to suzi and carlos'. it was boring but whatvere. sum lady was talking to us about her life and drugs and shit. it was funnnnny. came home and chilled with sam and camila. then sam left and later i decided to sleep at camilas so i could see the miami airport since i had never seen it. so we went to sleep at like 12 and woke up at 3. drove an hour to miami and waited in customs for like 1 and a half hrs. it was funn. lol. came home at like 6 and fell asleep. now were getting ready to go to the mall. peace!

_laterrr_

<33-janelle

9 _* | ...[Ryan

blah blah blah...


okay. yesterday me and max talked for a long time and we decided to go back out. if anyone has a problem with this, all i have to say is, suck my dick.


=]

7 _* | ...[Ryan

only you can touch my heart <3


today was blah.

-env: got seating chart now i dont sit next to hayley *tear* i sit next to allan. gah. lol
-psy: did basically nothing. talked to matt george and desiree about sex.
-lunch: didnt really do anything. saw the aerial view of piercing boy...::drools:: lol
-hist: watched a gory movie.
-chem: reviewed. wasnt too bad. test tomorrow.
-after school: talked to ppl then came home.


===im so busy this weekend!===
wednesday: school then hanging out with the olympic crew <333
thursday: TURKEY DAY!! going to suzi and carlos' for dinner...=/
friday: mite go to sum island thing with camila lol
saturday: ???actaully this day is free???
sunday: study for AP enviromental midterm

--but yeah. im in love....
hehehehe.

-only 18 days!!-

<33-janelle

6 _* | ...[Ryan

you were my everything...



everythings so friggin complicated. like this month is emotional breakdown month. also try sumthin new month. everyone is doing diff things now:

nicole: smoking
camila: well i dunno lol
me and sam and brian: lying
me: ....well i dont wanna say cuz illget yelled at..

yeah i want it to stop but it doesnt seem to. everythings just getting progressively worse and im afraid "It" will happen again. gahhh.

- <3 -

...[Ryan

i feel like everything things falling apart...


everything is gay. especially today. english was boooring. spanish took test did badd then read a story that i dont understand..blehh. lunch i was trying to study for my AP history test while having a mental/emotional breakdown cuz everyone was pissing me off. then saw PIERCING BOY. omg i havent seen that child in like a week. awwww <33 ahaha. im obsessed. took history test think i did alright.. algebra-got a 68 on my test i was sooo mad. gahh i hate that class. after school went to a pointless key club meeting then played hacky sack with martin, nick and damian and went home. chris called and told him i'd meet him at wendys so i walked with niki and nicole. ran into mike...ehh. then got there and max showed up and then seth and yeah it was gay. it truly was. came home ate dinner and now im talking to ppl cuz im bored and i have no hw. i think im gunna go clean my room. hahahahaha.

-later skater-

<3-janelle

...[Ryan

my final breath is gone...


omggg. last yesterday was ummm....yeah indescribable. battle of the bands was okay. people were being gay. i saw dan berghman. lol. johnny nonni came. um yeah. justin and the fondue crew i thought were realllllly good. but they didnt win *tear*. they had the most people watching/cheering for them tho! we all ended up talking to the realllllllllly hot guy from the 2nd band (wheres monday) and wow. lol. hes like orgasmic hahahaha. then after it was over....the nightmare started.....

brian was taking us home instead of my mom or sams mom but me and sam both lied to our parents. but anyways we drove to the beach for a few minutes and then we took A1A cuz we didnt think the road went thru on palmetto and we decided to make a U-turn and go back and this fucking motorcycle comes outta nowhere and next thing u know you hear a crash and the guy is on the hood of the car. it was the scariest fukcing thing ever. me and sam were sooo afraid that we were gunna be in trouble but we didnt. thank god for mr. gonzalez and camila. <3333333. they came and piked us up. but i feel so00o0o0o0o0o0oo bad for brian. cuz hes the only one who got in trouble and it wasnt just his fault. and now hes grounded until like forever. ahh me and sam feel horrible.ifi wuldnt have insisted on going to the beach, it never wulda happened. gahhhh. then when i got home i decided to sleep over camilas to calm down since i was like hysterically crying. called chris and ppl. then yeah. but i feel soooo bad. i love u brian!! sorry. <3

-i am NEVER lying again!-

<3-janelle

...[Ryan

spare me jus three last words, i love you is all she heard...


OMMG!! me, sam, and camila are going to JINGLEBALL and guess whos gunna be there....


RYAN CABRERA!!!!!!



ahhhh im so excited im gunna like pee my pants. lol

<333

4 _* | ...[Ryan

i know its hard to feel like i dont care at all...


today was fun. lol. 1st hour i realized i left my purse sumwhere outside and mrs. more freaked out and handed me a stuffed bear as my pass. LMAO. i found it in student services. 3rd hr was okay. lunch was so-so. nothing interesting. i seriously think piercing boy got swtiched to second lunch *cries hysterically*. 5th hour-guidance counselor came with our shit. my rank is 21 outta 388. good, but not what i was hoping for. whatever. 7th hour-madd easy/fun. after school daddy piked me and sam up and we made our shirts with cheese on them for battle of the bands tomorrow. then we went to her house and changed and then went to shadowood and met up with brian and ashly (dans ex-gf whos super cool/funny/nice) lol. it was sooooo much fun. we ate at dennys and played at toys-r-us. it was greattt. never laughed so much ever. lol. then i almost broke brians car LMAO. then we were having "SEX" [insert hand motion here] in the car. lol. then my dad almost saw me in the car...yikes.

::all the ppl i saw tonight::
-kyrie (OMG she CHOPPED OFF ALL HER HAIR)
-jack
-anna
-onan
-daniel
-iain and woody
-those two boys i molest LOL
-tyler hogan
-alan and marcus

---i think thats it. but yeah . im gunna go to sleep cuz i gotta wake up early and do my god damn chores. but yeah, tonight was good for me. cheered me up alot. =]

-later lovers-

<33-nizzle

...[Ryan

slow things down or speed them up..

today was so-so. things were fine between me and camila but i dont think they are anymore. whatever. english-sat watching ppls gay presentations while studying for spansish test. spanihs-test did okay. then did gay shit. lunch-eh fine. didnt see my loverr. damn. history-boringggggg. told sam what happened last nite :x algebra-didnt take the test but we learned 2 new lesssons so when we take the test we have more shit to know. goddddd. after school- sam called brian to pick us up and like the cool kid he is he did. lol. we played, or rather, tried to play hacky sack till he came. he took us to "my" house we got money then went to rag shop/target/burger king. lol. on the way to taking sam bak to school to bake pies, we almost got in a car accident. it was scarrry. lol. then me and brian went to borders and wow. lol. it was ...interesting to say the least. i got followed by sum skinny ass palestinian who wanted to rape me and he got stalked by sum gay black man who wanted to inject his rainbow colored sperm into his butthole. hahahahaha. omg it was funny. yeah then came home and got yelled at by just about everyone i spoke to and i havent even been home for 30 minutes yet! god. this week really sucks. no one knows how i fuckin feel and it makes me really upset. gahh. not getting into it.

-later losers-

<33-janelle

2 _* | ...[Ryan

for the last time, turn out the lights...


today sucked so bad. im in such a shitty mood and i keep crying periodically at every little thing. this morning i was sleeping and brian calls at like 7:23 and asks if we are still going to breakfast. so i call sam she calls me he calls her blah blah and we end up going. so i have like 25 minutes to get ready before he piks me up so i cant shower so i jus rolled outta bed and put clothes on so i looked like shit. i didnt even bother to fix my hair. we went to clock...eww gross dont ever eat there. brian asked the lady if she could get me smiley face pancakes and she said yes but when i got them, they had no smiley face. stupid bitch. then she gave us the wrong check and it was for only 6 dollars and we tried to get away w/ jus payin that but it didnt work. gahh. so then he drove us to his house cuz we had like and hr and a half till school. me and sam looked at loggers yearbook. hahahaha. then he took us to school after piking up allie and camila. then while walking to first hr, clifford runs by me and lifts up my goddamn skirt. omg i was soo pissed and upset i started to crying to nicole in the bathroom. i swear on my life if i ever see that kid again i will literally beat the living shit outta him. and no, im not kidding. then 1st hr me and haley shared a bagel. hehe. then 2nd hr presentations...gay. 3rd hr jus sat and talked about sex and being a virgin or nonvirgin with deigo matt and desiree. 4th hr was fine. 5th hr was boring. 6th hr sucks i hate that class. 7th hr was fine. took a quiz. ehh. thennnnnnnn....after school i was talking to jaryd and justin when i see camila and allie going upstairs they said they were getting a ride home from brenden and that they were getting math tutoring while they waited for him to get done w/ his math test or w/e. yeah i told her i needed a ride too so i waited out front of school for prolly like 15 minutes tops and then everyone left so i went upstairs to find camila and allie but they werent there so i called camila and she said she was at home. oh my lord did i go off. screaming and shit and everyone in the halls jus shut up and stared,except for sum nigger who said "oooh she told u" wow. how gay. but seriously i was so pissed cuz no one was at school anymore and i had no way of getting home except walking. its really gay too especially since i had brian go out of his way to pik them up this morning and then they leave me? what the fuck. and if they truly looked for me or actually cared, they wulda called. i was soo upset i called sam histerically crying. she called brian and he called me and told me he would pick me up. aww what a nice guy and i jus met him yesterday. lol. i love him to death for coming and getting me. thanks a bazillion. but still i was soooooo pissed. and i lied to my mom bout how i was getting home so when he dropped me off i couldnt go home. so i walked to nicoles house and i helped her a lil with her h/w then we went to wendys and ran into gusto amanda maria kevin and sean. then me and nicole were in the gas station getting an icee and i run into justin...literally. lol. he scared me. then my fucking parents were being gay and made me go home at 5. who the fuck eats dinner at 5:15 in the goddam after noon? god. and they bad thing was i had called jeremy and chris and told them to come so they walked alllllllllll the way from boca winds. so when we met up with them and they started yelling at me, i started crying again. then went and ate dinner and gave my family "attitude" or w/e so i got yelled at again. right now i wish everyone would stop being gay and leave me alone.

-whatever-

7 _* | ...[Ryan

i think about it over and over again..


l'im cosí i malati di persone proprio ora. penso che ami due persone che non dovrei amare. se i miei amici mai l'hanno scoperto comincerebbe le lotte. sarebbe cattivo. uno dei miei amici molto buoni è degli inizi me infastidire e l'im si è stancato cosí di tutti dovere ascoltare i problemi altro insignificanti. nessuno mai me ascolta appena. anche se non parlo, dicoè come la mia depressione cominciata durante l'estate. posso essere preso per scontato soltanto per cosí lungo prima che non posso portare lo qualunque più lungo. io significo scrivo anche quest'entrata di diario nell'italiano perché me non vuole sentire le persone si lamentano di ciò che dico. perché io fare infastidisce più anche? penso letteralmente che un giorno sono giusto andando completamente SI guastare.Non portare questo più. desidero che i miei amici migliori agirebbero come gli amici migliori.

-fuck off-

7 _* | ...[Ryan

i'll wait for you but i can't wait forever...

so cut my wrists and black my eyes
so i can fall asleep tonight,
or die
because you kill me...



today: school was fine. dont feel like bothering u with the teeny details. except this one....PIERCING BOY!!!. niki saw him when we were walkin up the stairs and i nearly had a spaz. haha. omg i love him. but yeah.

after school: sam came home with me and her friend brian drove over to chill. he took us to the park and we hung out. we called justin and he came too. chilled more and spun lil kids on the spin-y thing. lol. then he drove us to wendys were i damn near had a heart attack. my dad like was right next to us in the car. omg i almost cried. lol. then we went bak to the park and we chilled sum more. brians a cool kid lol. we all might go to breakfast tomorrow but not sure yet. but yeah it was fun i guess. tomorrow is a "come-in-late" day. yay!! k i gotta go do gay algebra hw.

-later skaters-

<3-janelle


"spare me just three last words,
i love you is all she heard,
i'll wait for you but i can't wait forever"

5 _* | ...[Ryan

i dont wanna be anything other than what ive been trying to be lately...



omgg. my 87 year old grandma in wisconsin jus had a stroke thingy. i hope shes okay....


<33

1 _* | ...[Ryan

i dont want just anyone to hold...


the last couple of days have been shiiit. forgot to say that the other day after school me and camila saw patrick (20-year old dude in our hood) driving in out school so we chased after him and he gave us a ride home in his truck. hahaha u shulda been there to see His face. omg i loved it. hahahaha. anyways..

today after school got ready and hung out at camilas, sam came over and we were gunnna take the 6:15 bus to the mall but there was no 6:15 bus so we went and chilled at shadowood instead. well first we ate dinner at fridays and had a pedophile waiter. hahahah. then hung out at shadowood it was kinda gay. like 423948235983495 middle schoolers. god. saw lisa, amanda, sum hot kid w/ her, chris (diff. chris), richie and owen. oh and maria. but yeah. met sum dudes that sam knew...omggg the one was realllly hot, yet weird. he kept flashing everyone. lolol. but yeah then went in borders and looked at magazines and i stole another picture of ryan cabrera. ahaha. then we took sam home. omggg her house is huge!!! lol. came home now im here. tomorrow after chores, its the mall w/ nicole chris sam and camila. so yeah call me u guys !!!

-good night-

<33-janelle

Stupidest, gayest thing ive ever heard a ghetto gangsta wannabe say:

"Oooh. you got told like a bedtime story."

-(my wanksta brother)-

...[Ryan