:: 2003 13 December :: 6.46 pm

Thank you God
all of a sudden i can really really play guitar.. i play a note or two and then the rest of the song pops in my head and some how now i can actually get it out and play it.. im sooo excited!.. im soo happy. i cant wait until b and practice. i made a brand new song.. (that im actually happy about).. and i almost fixed up our old song in like the ten seconds i tried so lots of it sounds cool and isnt all mainstream.. YAY!

*eyes get watery*, there is a God.

.:: From Behind My Eyes::.

:: 2003 12 December :: 6.44 pm

its the start of vacation.. the bad thing is im not going to get to jam.. but, thats becuase i have to do my senior report..wich is equally important..

today i did something stupid.. i ate at mcdonalds.. i was like "erich, will.. im not going.. i have to stop eating mcdonalds.. or ill get huge".. and their like "dude, your not going to youll be fine..you dont have like ALOT of mcdonalds when you eat there..its probly the same amount of fat as pizza". and soo i went...

last night i made up a wicked sweet guitar riff and tonight i played for like non-stop.. and kept making up good stuff.. i must have "leveled up" my guitar skills.. thats what my old guitar teacher used to say.. he was cool.. amazing guitarist.. soo im wicked happy.. now all i have to do is finish arranging all of the other riffs i made for the song that that oringinal riff goes in and make them blend together...lol.. i know.. thats always the hard part..and thats probly not the best way of doing it... but it will be done :)...

.:: From Behind My Eyes::.

:: 2003 11 December :: 7.42 pm

im not 100% sure there is a god... but i KNOW there is a satan... and its only logical... i dont want to be dead in that darkness anymore.. i dont want to be alone and empty.. im sick of being face down in that pool..

.:: From Behind My Eyes::.

:: 2003 11 December :: 1.36 pm
:: Mood: ok

i feel bad about that last enrty.. it was alittle messed up becuase i was pissed.. i meen, i didnt get out the right message.. its not everyone, and i dont hate anyone.. except Josh S.. i just feel sooo completely and utterly distant from 3/4ths of the people i hang out with.. their still definetly my friends.. im far from being a victim.. no one is.. its just life... i used to hang out with people even if they ignored me becuase i thought they were "wicked cool"..i meen, yeah their great and all, but there is WAY more to life.. theres even more to life then pride.. i dont need it anymore.. why lie about shit becuase you did somethign dumb or change a story around soo you look like the victim.. its sooo much more better to jsut say it the way it is.. then people get to know the real you and your not a lier.. and you dont get..... its jsut all these little things that have to be let go, its all for the better in the end.. for you, for me, for everyone..

today i drove to school... and went to classes.. nothing special..

i think i might turn christian.. it seems like everyday me and josh talk about it.... i jsut have doubts still..

the whole band thing is going ok.. except the singer doesnt sing.. and it doesnt help that im not AMAZING at guitar.. jeremys a great drummer.. and chris is practiceing now.. wich meens hes getting better wich is really all that matters..the snow is making me mad.. me and jeremy finally like connected in a big way and now i cant jam when i want.. if i had it my way.. id by a like small house/ trailer.. and the band would just rough it out there and jam 24/7.. that would be soooo fuckin sweet.. im not sayign we are screwed.. we are getting there.. but its going way to slow..lmao..but on a positive note atleast we are trying...

when i really really think about it.. the band is doing about as good as a band without a singer.. sooo... we are doing ok...

.:: From Behind My Eyes::.

:: 2003 9 December :: 8.24 pm
:: Mood: tired..

the past couple days have been awkward.. it all goes back to that thing about me not haveing any REAL friends.. i have alot of people that if asked "are you todds freind" would say "yeah".. but only like 1 or 2 or maybe none at thsi point that would be like "yeah, todd and me are like great friends".. all i have is a dozen aquantances..and for the past 2 days ive been saying screw it.. why even try.. if i have to stand on the outside of the little group in the morning then i wont stand there.. if there isnt enough room at "their" table and im "not on the list" of who gets to sit there then fuck it... whats the point... which is why i dont hang out with the group in the morning anymore.. and i certainly dont even attempt to sit on the ground at their table.. 100% truthfully, i find being able to sit down in a chair much more enjoyable then trying all lunch to be acknowledged.. i feel really good to be independent like that but at the same time i feel kinda like ive lost something.. even though 100% truthfully what i lost was very very small... like a good example would be that Will was sitting at ther table and i went over and was talkign to him about something before everyone got there and then 2 secs in im interrupted by Jeff and hes like "hey thats my seat!!".. and i was like "im just talking to Will, ill be done in a min".. and he got all pissed off and was like "dude.. you dont sit here.. just get the fuck out of my chair".. and by that time i was pissed and i was like "seriously.. jsut wait a min, this isnt YOUR chair, jsut like this isnt YOUR table.. i dont see your fuckin name anywhere".. and then adam runs over and is like all yelling "hey, WTF is going on here.. we dont have enough room for anymore people, you have to move".. and it sounded nice enough but it wasnt since the only people at the table were me, jeff (yelling behind me), Wll, and then adam.. then adam or josh was like "your not on the list.. go sit over there".. and by then i had enough and was ready to be like "FUCK YOU ALL...".. but i didnt... i jsut hung out at the table i usually sit at... with jess and shae and nicole.. sooo, ive decided im going to not pay as much attention to the aquantences.. if they wont acknowledge me then im goign to do the same to them.. im just pay more attention to my real real friends.. you know who you are :).. i think its a step in the right direction..

i got to drive my dads truck by myslef today. the jeep was at the car shop soo we had to go pick it up.. he drove the jeep home soo i drove his truck.. lol.. it was wicked fun.. i tapped the gas leaving the shop and it peeled out twice.. i was like "oops....hmm, oops again".. i guess my dads selling the crown vic (my crown vic) and the jeep and buying a new mini van.. lol.. im going to feel kinda shitty driving around a mini van but oh well.. if it runs ill be happy.. and if it has a CD player then ill be really happy..

josh and i are going to a youth group friday night.. in tilton i think.. his old band is playing.. that should be fun..

.:: From Behind My Eyes::.

:: 2003 6 December :: 8.01 pm

My weekened has been pretty boring thus far.. its been snowing alot soo im not allowed to go anywhere.. well, atleast ive gotten some time to work on my senior report..

The world is a really FUCKED up place.. on the news last night it said some guy was stabbed 36 times and then thrown into a pool.. that is extreme overkill... and then my dad was telling me about his friend who just got arrested.. and when the female officer was like "you have the right to remain silent, anything you say will be held against you" his friend was like "BOOBS!!".. i laughed my ass off. and then i guess the officer is sueing him for sexual assualt.. which sucks.. kinda a dumb reason to sue someone for.. im not saying that shes dumb for sueing him.. but.. she should be used to it by now.. its bound to happen when you have to jump on male criminals and pin them down and stuff everyday..lol.. their guys.. their goign to say shit like that..

i think im goin gto have to shovel tommorrow.. damn it

.:: From Behind My Eyes::.

:: 2003 5 December :: 3.57 pm
:: Mood: happy its the weekened

yeah.. its the weekened NOW!..lol..i cant go anywhere though becuase my parents dont want me driving in the snow...

In english we went to the library and worked on our senior reports.. and then in CP Chem Mr Keeten still wasnt there.. i wish he would come back soon.. the sub is terrible at giving notes and teaching and i have no idea what she is talking about.. then during third block me, chyanne, and erich went to McDonalds... oh god seriously i HAVE TO STOP eating it...or ill grow a huge ass...and then we went to chyannes.. and then we went to get the new speakers out of chyannes old car which was about to be sent to the scrap yard (she crashed it).. and we needed a socket rench (all we brought was some screwdrivers) and the guy wouldnt lend us one for 2 secs.. sooo we had to drive ALL the way back to chyannes and back to the place where her car was... it was fun getting them out though.. she didnt do it.. me and erich got to rip her doors to shreads.. im sure there probly was some way of unsrewing them, but i like being destructive.. we were suppossed to um do some other stuff during that time *wink wink*, but we didnt.. hehe, oh well :P..

.:: From Behind My Eyes::.

:: 2003 3 December :: 4.11 pm
:: Mood: HYPER

Today i was wicked hyper and happy.. im not 100% sure why or id make sure that it happened everyday..lol... i was like "YAY".. hehe.. yeah..

1st block went by well... for some reason the ONE day that i wasnt all tired and stuff Josh was tired..damn.. then in CP Chem Mr. keetan wasnt there, he was with his family or at his grandmas funeral who died a couple days ago.. very sad.. and then i wasnt in school for lunch A or B.. i ran around with Will, Erich and Shian ( i cant spell her name).. i WICKED want her hat.. its sooo cool.. i luv the colors and stuff. she said she got it at RITE-AID... the gas station.. soo im going to go there and get one.. hehe.. whenever i see her im like "hey, can i wear the hat *drools*".. hehe.. the whole time we were all at McDonalds we were talking really loud about sex related stuff and people were starring.. like some how we got into a convo about elephant penises.. i was like "yeah, i was watching the discovery channel and this elephant was running and i was like 'OMG!!! that elephant has 5 legs, NO WAIT!! thats not a leg.. thats its penis. HOLY SHIT!!!.. its liek dragging on the ground behind it..thats scary'.." yeah, im weird... and then we all went back to school. and hung out during lunch C.. and then lunch D was fun.. hehe.. i was wicked hyper... and tellign people umm "interesting stuff"... like my dream from last night and the late nights with the digital camera.. lmao.. oh god.. and then in 4th block i did some research for my senior report. and Gene told me and erin thiss wicked funny story about him and his friend lining bolders up in the road in both directions on motorcycle weekened.. yeah. then i road the bus home.. and i got my self into a convo about how farm animals are castrated... im glad im not a farm animal... god... ewww..thats gotta suck alot...

i just realized something.. there was alot of talking about animals today.. weird

3 .::Whispers To Me::. | .:: From Behind My Eyes::.

:: 2003 30 November :: 5.25 pm
:: Mood: pissed... violated

hmmm... where do i fuckin start... jesus...i was at jeremys last night and we had an ok band practice.. when chris came we didnt jam becuase i was soo tired but luckfily me and jeremy practiced for and hour or soo that day before he came.. me, chris, and jeremy went to the mall.. fun fun.. hehe.. i wish i had that car... its wicked sweet..

ok.. now where i say why im sooo FUCKIN PISSED... and uncomfy to the extreme... blah.. well, at jeremys i went on his comp and tried getting on instant messanger and it said "account has been suspended". i thought it was jsut AOL being stupid but then i got home.. and oh god.. my mom finally realized ive been fucking with her account and she called up AOL and was like "my 17 year old son hacked into my account and i have noway of stopping him.. do something..plzzzz".. and soo they suspended me..she only noticed becuase i deleted half of her AOL Guardian email notifications (wich was an invasion of my privacy.. thats why i was in her account.. a tooth for a tooth.).. and well.. i missed one.. the only one that was really important.. the one that told her my FTJ account.. and soo she went there and she saw me in the fishnets and... she was like "ive seen things youd never want me to see..".. and then come to find out the night before i was really really tired and left all the hidden folders on my desktop visible.. and she went through all my shit.. and found more bad pics of me.. and then... she found a really really really really bad.. one.. i wanted to barf... and i did... for liek 10 mins in the bathroom... and today i had to re-format our comp.. and shes doing all this fucked up stuff.. i cant be online for more then 2 hours now... we have AOL 9.0 and she gave all the SNs a 2 hour limit... and... well... i kinda want to cry.. some people are cumfy with their parents seeing them half naked or just barely not naked but IM NOT!!!... i dont even want her to even fuckin look at me.. jesus... talk about invasion of privacy.. i feel like shes undressing me with her ees.. and shes my mom.. this is the most uncomfy situation i could ever think of in my entire life..she looked through everything.. she even got on my case becuase of some emails i wrote..like.. seriously, get a fuckin life... and i didnt say anything to her.. becuase she said if i gave her crap shed call the AOL lady and get rid of AOL totally... and if my brother ever need the internet id have to drive him to the library.. and if i didnt have money for gas id have to sell my stuff....THEN of coarse my brother was a prick and started shit with her.. and i made him take it back becuase... im not FUCKIN driving him to the library everyday...

sooo here i am.. i think i have about an hour left for today.. im goign to save it i guess...until like 8 or something.. when more people will be on AIM...

after she got done with all that and was goign to bed.... my dad was like... "todd, dont kill ME in my sleep..k...night"..id NEVER do that...

5 .::Whispers To Me::. | .:: From Behind My Eyes::.

:: 2003 28 November :: 8.58 pm
:: Mood: happy

Today was really really great.. i woke, took a shower.. FUN.. then my family went to Family Buffet.. (where families go to be at a buffet :P ).. then i came home and saw alittle of 28 Days Later.. i wicked want to see the whole movie.. its sooo.. GREAT.. and then i drove to jeremys so we could jam (me and him).. i originally was thinking it was goign to be wicked shitty.. but then me and jeremy connnected and it was great... lol... we were like "WHOA!!!! YAY!! I LUV YOU!!".. and we made up a wicked sweet heavy metal song that sounds kinda like some christmas song i cant figure ou the name for.. hehe.. its wicked sweet.. its just the intro that sounds like it.. but its still fuckin sweet.. and we were like "YAY".. and we got soo into it that jeremy actually wrote down his drum beat.. and im going to write some lyrics tonight, its jsut really easy if i do it.. randy wont know.. he hasnt jammed in like.. 4 weeks..hehe.. yeah..

1 .::Whispers To Me::. | .:: From Behind My Eyes::.

:: 2003 27 November :: 7.13 pm
:: Mood: slept too much

my thanksgiving was ok.. none of my relatives came and i slept till ten..lol.. over all it was ok.. it was a really really boring day though.. after i ate alot of turkey i took a nap and now i feel really "blah".. becuase i slept too much.. i hope everyone else had a good turkey day :P..

2 .::Whispers To Me::. | .:: From Behind My Eyes::.

:: 2003 26 November :: 7.24 pm

I have done absolutely nothing this week thus far... kidna mad about that..lol.. i want to jam.. but i know nothign will get done..im really bored

today was really really boring.. i got up and then i took a shower, fun fun.. then i ate food and talked on AIM... and then ate and talked on AIM... and now im talking on AIM again.. and doing my journal.. pretty fun :/.. hehe.. oh well..

.:: From Behind My Eyes::.