:: 2004 11 February :: 10.00 pm
:: Mood: almost whipped

I'm not sure why i even try to negotiate anymore with certain people. It is their way or no way. It's not like i will ever have this opportunity again until i am out of college and on my own, but by then i will most likely get married and children will be on the way and who has time for anything when you are a mother? Kids go off to school to sit in the classroom like well trained zombies, the parents go to work and stress themselves out day after day so the children can have better lifes and go to school and be bored. Then the children go to college so they can get a job so they can get married so they can have children so they can go to school and be bored.

and so on and so forth, everafter and beyond. blah blah blah blah.

I do not want my life to be like that no way. I want to have a family (at least i think so) but i don't want it to be some habitual neverending cycle of boredom. gag. I might as well just die now if that is what it is going to be like for the rest of my breathing days. Some people just don't want there progeny to experience something that perhaps they will never get to. Or maybe it is that they don't want this person to escape from the rituals of daily life. If i knew then i guess i wouldn't be so flummoxed over this.

ugh, retired.

let it

:: 2004 7 February :: 2.49 pm

i've been kind of zoned out lately. not sure exactly what it is...ugh, i think it may be for the fact that i have not gotten enough sleep at all and haven't had an appetite for anything because my sinuses are acting up and all food tastes like nothing at all...i just chew it and swallow...

fundraiser dinner at st. al's went well. I didn't eat much but i guess it was pretty good (by what my dad said) Met some of Sharon's friend's there and walked around bg for awhile. I was felt pretty goofy (tired and such) so i walked back to the school and chilled out i guess. After her friends left me and her took a walk to dairy queen for some ice cream. Haven't had ice cream in such a long time (too bad it didn't taste like much except gloppy stuff)

plus i am so out of it that i can't tell the difference between hot and cold..yah i know that is weird. But last night when i was walking around bg all i had on was a thin long sleeve t and a zippered hoody. And i ended up talking off the hoody. I didn't realize it was so cold until i saw the temperature flashing on the bank clock 28 degrees.

after people were done cleaning up after the dinner there was this little bball gfame that was started by sharon's brother. I was not going to play so i just stood at the sidelines and watched sharon make a fool of herself. Well Sharon's dad joined and he wanted me to play so i did...it would have been so bad except jeans aren't good for running around in when they are too tight to begin with.

Got home to sharon's, took a shower, then had a kind of "clean up sharon's room" time. Boy o boy i about went insane trying to clean that room. ugh. At least i got some clothes out of it. A few tshirts and this funky skirt that i will probably never wear.

And today I went to goodwill and got myself some nice baggy cordoroys. yes, they are amazing. I'm actually wearing them right now, and i feel better than ever.

Except for the fact that i can't tell how cold or hot i am, and i can't taste anything i eat. wow, what a beautiful mess i am in. At least i have the Day of Rest to catch up on. I plan on taking a very long nap once i get back from church. yes, i cannot wait.

let it

:: 2004 5 February :: 10.29 pm

run
away to
save yourself
left behind
on your own
wish for
this
wanting a little
more
waiting for that
star
to shine down
on you

let it

:: 2004 4 February :: 10.56 pm

i wanted it all
wrapped neatly
with a silver bow
and streamers
with a label
for Emily
and a card attached
and once the paper was shed
i knew it was for me
no one else but
me

let it

:: 2004 3 February :: 6.10 pm

haven't written
for a while, its kind of weird not doing this daily, the creative juices aren't flowing at this moment.

Kind of a weird concept for me not wanting to write. Maybe it is this mood i am in. A I-don't-care mood, or a school-is-stupid mood. Who knows, but all i look forward to now is the weekend, and those can never last long enough.

ugh.

Summer needs to hurry its butt up...even tho it means certain things in my life will be changing drastically...the changes will have to happen sometime, and i need change, i want change...I want to get out high school forever.

but forever is never soon enough.

1 blow | let it