:: 2004 18 November :: 11.13 pm

well well well
Today went exceptionally well. I am not sure why...well actually i am sure why, but do you think I am really going to tell you? ummm...no.

But, it was a good day. I got to hang out after school at sharon's house for a good few hours, jumped on the trampoline a bit, caused a ruckus, and in general plain mayhem.

tomorrow and this weekend should go well i hope. The parade is this saturday...wow the year is going by so fast already...almost kind of scary.

let it

:: 2004 17 November :: 6.06 pm

Today went better than yesterday (at least up until this point)

I am still feeling very lowly, or maybe just depressed, upset, and kind of giddy. I think the giddiness comes from the lack of sleep.

I have two projects to present by the end of the week, one is a speech, the other is a project with two other people. Maybe if I am still in this mood of apathetic giddy at the time of presentation I won't be nervous. Actually that is my plan of attack alot of times. I stay up late for 2 or 3 days before the presentation, so when I get up in front of the class I am only half coherent, but i still talk fine, I just don't care about anything.

go me

let it

:: 2004 16 November :: 10.11 pm
:: Mood: weird

chaos
So today was a fairly good day. I went to school with a positive start. Sharon picked me up for school and I was enjoying it. I got to school, it started well except I got an infamous yellow slip from the office which read "Report to Mr. Vannets office when convient." Which means...I had some explaining to do on account of my attendance record.

Because you see last week on thursday I wasn't in 6th pd even tho my teacher knew i was in the office. It was just a big misunderstanding, and it was quickly solved by my quick thinking, and my ability to create an alibi like nothing else.

So after that I went through the day feeling rather good about myself. At one point i actually started to whistle a little tune and even sing .

In fifth period I was feeling rather high when I stole a ruler. The teacher kept nagging us all "make sure you return the rulers when you are finished because ppl are stealing them" So just to prove him right, I did.

I decorated my locker after school and made it rather beautiful with an array of picture, one of which was some buffalo, my dad with an action figure George W Bush and my brother launching himself from a swing.

I went home on the bus, had a rather joyous time being a miscreant by throwing remnants of the stolen ruler at jerk freshman. I

got home and felt quite fine. I called Trisha to talk about her current situation and how her life was going. Then I called Sharon to tell her that I wanted to go to her play on both Wednesday and Friday. Then I called grandma West to have her be my accomplice in a matter concerning Christmas. Everything was going well.

Then Sharon called.

She was having a costume problem and she needed my aid. I didn't know how my parents were going to react, but they let me run into BG to help her out. I got there, shut my door too quickly and with that slam my world caved in.

I locked the keys in the car with the engine running. At first i didn't notice, until i started to walk towards the school when i heard this humming noise, and then i said, "oh shit."

I ran into the school talked to Sharon, used her phone eventually got ahold of my mom she yelled at me for a considerable amount of time until she finally decided that coming into town to unlock the car was the best idea. (she advised leaving the car run until all the gas was gone. But I advised agaisnt that because i was currently in a teacher's spot that if the car was left there until the next it woud most certainly be towed.)

So my mother decides to drive into town (God forbid) and i am sitting out on my car waiting. Uncle Norm and Alex pull in, because Alex has bball practice at 7. He takes a double take drops off alex and comes back to talk to me. Luckily he sticks around until my mom gets there so I wasn't a victim of her wrath.

I finally get the car turned off, and get ot the play. When i go int there however, who else do I see but the one man that makes my skin feel like it is festered with every parasitic insect imaginable...

I try to ignore him, I even used the "Don't look at him act like you are busy" technique. But evetually he caught me and started yapping. The sap wasn't even at school today that lardass. God I am mad. I have never been so utterly creeped out in my life. Its like I seriously feel violated even though nothing has come close to it. It is just a sickening feeling I get everytime he is near me. It almost like he is Satan. He smiles, he laughs, he thinks he is Mr hotshot. Some people do belong in Hell.

So he is there which doesn't make the situation any better. AT least Sharon's family showed up (and amanda) so I sat with them and was protected from certain people. But he kept looking at me anyways, and I felt that gut wrenching illness that makes me wonder if I want to be a women anymore, because if i attract nastiness then i might as well just give up.

The play went very well, Sharon did a fantastic job and then i went home. Well actually I waited around inside for awhile to make sure that that loathesome scum left before me, but Mrs. Simon also escorted me to my car for safety measures. Ugh, I am so ill at ease now.

And so that was my day. And to make it worse, Trisha informed me that her problems escalated tenfold. Wow. A good day went so wrong.

let it

:: 2004 15 November :: 7.38 pm

It has been awhile since I thought about my will be. I wonder where I will go, what will take me there, where I belong, what I will do. I kiss the promises of misfortune; I shun the opportunities of luck.

For once it would be nice to be on my own. I could skate across the vacant space; grasp the beyond, live without worry or restraint. I wonder in fact when that time will come –the time when I am able to confront my feelings and finally express them thoroughly. Until then I perhaps will wander carelessly within myself.

I could run forever. I could turn corners I had never seen with a keen glance and dismiss them with nothing more than a nod. The distance between the horizon and I would be seamless, permeable and ubiquitous. I would neither be coming nor going. I would be.

I cannot let go of what I need to. Rather, I cannot let go of what is holding me back. This is the root of my problems. I keep returning and I keep giving in. Soon I must do what I need to do.

Would the sunsets contain the happiness I seek? I whisper yes, but I internalize no.

let it

:: 2004 15 November :: 7.23 pm

I am not sure how many times I have had people say to me “I am a nonconformist.” Many times I just nod and continue on with life. Others I laugh and give a little shrug and I walk away. But there are those that I can’t help but feel sorry for because they are so clueless they make me, of all people, look clever.

I myself haven’t ever really been classified as anything. At the end of 8th grade I was hanging out with future cheerleaders, but that ended rather awkwardly because I for one was not the type to go around flaunting my mad acrobatic skills.

As a freshman and Sophomore I was grouped with the “Band Nerds” but that died out when I quit at the end of tenth grade. For a while after that I was then an “Anti-Band” because everyone loathed me for leaving them stuck with two lunatic band teachers. I think they are just jealous.
Now, as a Senior I am still wandering in No Man’s Land. I am in between enemy lines and for some reason I am on no ones side. I actually have decided that being unlabeled isn’t such a bad thing. For the most part I get along with everyone, or rather I am not the object of someone’s hate. That happens a lot. If you are popular the unpopular people hate you. If you are a sport’s freak the clumsy people despise you.
T
hat is why it is so nice to be a No Grouper. Well I guess I do have a group, the No Group.

So far my No Group consists of me, my friends Sharon, Lorelei, MariJane Tripp and a few others that I talk to at school. But for the most part my group is Sharon and I. After all a group is a gathering of more than one person therefore two is perfect.

let it